Recent Blog Posts

Kobe and Vanessa Bryant Not Kissing and Making Up

Donald Schweitzer — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 12:55:00 GMT

Family attorneys in Pasadena thought the divorce of Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant and estranged wife Vanessa was pretty much a done deal. After years of rumors of affairs, it appeared that Vanessa finally had enough. But new photos surfaced of the couple sharing a Valentine's kiss near the Lakers locker room, leaving fans wondering if Kobe and Vanessa called off what many counted on being the year's nastiest divorce.

Celebrity gossip blogs were positively buzzing last week when photos and video of Kobe and Vanessa Bryant kissing after a Lakers game showed up online. The pair was set to embark on an expensive and brutal divorce, but perhaps they changed their mind?

Not so much. According to the Los Angeles Times, the Bryant divorce is alive and well. The couple has already divided their vast assets in court. Records from an Orange County court show that Vanessa is set to receive $18.8 million in property from her NBA ex. Kobe is said to be worth $150 million and since the couple did not sign a prenuptial agreement, Vanessa could potentially walk away from the relationship with $75 million.

In the meantime, experts say it isn't uncommon for couples to have a "financial divorce" while trying to repair a relationship.

"A married couple can decide to split their specific assets and continue their marriage," Chris Melcher, a family law attorney, told the Times.

A financial divorce can sometimes improve a relationship, he says.

"There is more of a balance of power in the relationship," Melcher said.

Yet other sources are reporting Vanessa Bryant is done with Kobe and currently shopping for property in New York City.

Vanessa Bryant filed for divorce in December, citing "irreconcilable differences." The couple was married on April 18, 2001; they have two daughters.

Children and Divorce

Donald Schweitzer — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:42:00 GMT

The Effect of Children's Age
Telling the kids that "mom and dad are separating" may be the most difficult and anxiety-riddled aspect of your entire divorce. But help is at hand. In this article, you'll find age-group specific insights and advice on how to break the news to your children and support them through the process - so that it's less painful and healthier for everyone involved.
By Anne Cantelo

You think you can, like many do, live in marriage that bores you without showing any symptoms to your children. You can continue to be good,supportive parents together while no longer having interest in each other. If that's you then you need to think seriously about whether you're really prepared to make that sacrifice and how long for: forever or until they reach a certain age? What age will it affect them least?

The most surprising thing I learned in researching this book "It's No Big Deal Really" is that it's better not to make the sacrifice at all unless you can make it forever. The older the "children' are, the worse it seems to affect them and when saying that I'm including adults in their 20's and 30's.

Babies

If your children are under two years old then you can assume that they'll not remember this time in their lives and they're likely to quickly settle into new routines. On the downside it means that they will never experience having both their parents together and will grow up with the uncertainty of how they fit into whatever new family is created. These children also suffer most from never growing up in an intact household.

Even if they're unaware of what's happening babies will pick up on tension in the house so may be much more restless than normal. Their progression may seem to halt a little; e.g., refusing solid food after they're weaned. They'll therefore need lots of cuddles and reassurance and, like you would with older children, try not to let them hear you fight.

Toddlers

As a toddler's vocabulary develops they will understand the fights between you. They will also have some concept what a fight is and what anger is. They will be very familiar with how angry they are during a tantrum and the fact it passes. Speak to them and reassure them in a language they understand. "You get really mad with Mummy sometimes but you don't always feel like that, do you? Mummy and daddy feel like that sometimes with each other; but that doesn't make it something that you need to be scared of, does it?' Like babies, they will probably show that they're unsettled by becoming more irritable, tantrums may increase and they could revert to more baby-like behavior.

The separation will affect them more than the divorce, as they won't understand the finality of divorce; what will matter to them is if one of their beloved parents is not at home any more. However, like babies, they will soon settle into new routine.

Young schoolchildren

At this age they will need reassurance that they will have the love and protection they need whatever happens, and that they're not going to lose one of you. A few days in a very young child's life is a long time so unless there is a danger that they will hear something try to delay telling them about the separation until the practical arrangements are being made. However if one child is older it would be unfair to expect him or her to keep the secret from younger siblings.

It's worth letting your children's teacher know about the problems at home. It's not uncommon for children to restrain themselves at home (for fear of redirecting the anger they sense to them) and to release that emotion at school in behavior such as bullying. If the teachers are aware they can ensure that they keep alert to possible problems and deal particularly sensitively to minor infringements of rules, e.g., if you've just told your child that you're separating and they forget their homework the next day a punishment is unfair.

Even at this age you're unlikely to be the first parents to separate. If possible see if you can arrange play dates with children whose parents seem to have split amicably. As adults we tend to seek support from others who've experienced the same problems. Children will also find comfort in being able to express their worries to someone who's been through it and come out the other side without the world ending.

Teenagers

It's now been established that, due to the brain's efforts to change a child into an adult, teenagers are much less able to empathize with people during puberty than either younger children or adults. They will consequently make your life tough even if you have a loving, supportive partner; if you have struggles of your own, your house could quickly turn into a war zone.

Teenagers tend to think that they are the center of the world so they assume, even more than younger children that the problem their parents have are about them in some way. They may have the attitude that parents don't have "right' to separate and try to make you feel very guilty about how selfish you are. They may even suggest that you're doing it just to upset them (seriously!). Teenagers like to think that they have the monopoly on being upset and bad-tempered so they probably don't have a lot of sympathy to spare for you. The only way to deal with problems in your marriage when you have teenagers is to keep as united up front as possible or, very quickly, teenagers will play one of you off against each other, which will make your life hell.

Despite the "cool' or aggressive appearance, teenagers can be as scared and upset as younger children. Try to give them a lot of attention, however much you think they don't want it, and sit down as often as you can to talk to them seriously about what's happening. As you come to decisions, involve them and let them have some say. Teenagers think they're adults so the one thing guaranteed to make them mad is if you decide things for them.

I've found that teenagers need much more affection, attention and demonstration that they're loved than toddlers. They'll say they don't want it, and don't need you, but they are the most isolated age group in many ways. As a child we get all the time from our parents, as adults we have our partner to hug, but teenagers are too cool to admit to needing affection. So try lots of hugs in private (when no one else, not even a sibling, is around). If they really don't accept a hug give them affection in other ways. Praise (honest and not over the top) and lots of attention will go a long way to helping them cope.

Teenagers can surprise you: some will not be bothered by your separation, they've seen it all before, and they don't really think it will affect them. Double-check that they really do feel like this, then be grateful and don't try to force them to be unhappy about it.

This article has been edited and excerpted from the book It's No Big Deal Really , permission by Anne Cantelo. Copyright © 2007. It's No Big Deal Really is a parent's guide to making divorce easy for children, and is recommended by the NSPCC.

Recovering from the Divorce Process

Donald Schweitzer — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:36:00 GMT

Divorce Isn't Easy, But It's Doable
By Susan Pease Gadoua

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass.
~ Mary Kay Blakely

Getting a divorce is terrifying for the average person under average circumstances. Unlike other aspects of life, it does not necessarily get easier once youstart the process . In fact, as you learn more about the legalities and finances, and as you get deeper into tasks such as dividing assets and debts, negotiating child custody, and addressing home, money, and job issues, it usually gets more difficult.

Just as you turn your life over to a surgeon when undergoing an operation, in a divorce you are asked to turn your well-being over to a number of different professionals, such as accountants, attorneys, and counselors. Having to trust these people with your financial and emotional welfare can certainly feel as though your life depends on their performance.

However, as daunting as it is, thousands of people divorce every day. The key to having a better divorce is to make sure you get all the support you need. For many people, this support is a divorce team that addresses their legal, financial, and emotional needs.

Although the process is not a linear one (meaning that it doesn't necessarily get better or easier with time), keep in mind that this ordeal will end, life will return to "normal" again, and you will regain your strength.

Just as we physically recover from surgery, our minds, hearts, and spirits recuperate from marital dissolution. It's a difficult process, even under the best of circumstances, but you will survive, and there is a new life awaiting you on the other side.

AFFIRMATION

I will survive this ordeal.

Divorce Settlement/Preparation

Donald Schweitzer — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:08:00 GMT

Divorce Planning - Figuring Net Worth
Take the necessary steps now, so that you may have a fair and equitable divorce settlement.
By Dee Lee

A divorce can be devastating emotionally and financially. It tears a family apart and can make friends and family members feel forced to choose sides. What may have been a loving relationship sometimes turns into an acrimonious one at best. If your marriage is rocky or you have already begun to discuss the big "D" word, there are some things you can do to be better prepared if you decide to go forward with a divorce. In this situation, money is very powerful and can be used as weapon.

And who gets what of the property you have accumulated together? Understanding your rights is important and they could be different depending on where you live. You may need to enlist the help of professionals to help you and your spouse sort things out.

Net Worth

Thenet worth statement is going to be very important for you. Be sure it is up-to-date and has all the family assets listed. If a divorce has been looming in the background for a while, you may need to play detective here to be sure your spouse has not begun hiding assets or income. You may be able to play detective on your own, but a new field called forensic accounting has popped up because spouses try to hides assets. Your lawyer or accountant can help you find a forensic specialist who will be able to search for hidden assets.

Know what your spouse owns in their name and what you have in your name. What assets did you bring to the marriage? What assets did he? What assets accumulated during your marriage? How much is in the retirement accounts? You may be eligible for some of the retirement account if you have very little or none in your own name. If you have the larger retirement account your spouse may be entitled to part of that. Who owns the house? Stock options are often overlooked because a spouse may not be able to exercise them for several years, but they are still an asset and need to be included.

Is there afamily business involved? This is always tricky because it may be the largest family asset. You want to obtain an accurate evaluation. If you plan to divorce and have been active in the business, how will this affect the business? Does he buy you out? Do you buy him out? Is there cash available to do that?

If you have a joint brokerage account, you may wish to notify the broker in writing that you and your spouse have separated and that all transactions need two signatures. Check with your lawyer on this one as well.

What are your liabilities? Car loans, 401(k) loans, a mortgage, credit cards? Do you have more debt than you have assets? Do you live in a community-property state, or have you ever lived in a community-property state while married? These states use the concept of community property, and each spouse has a 50 percent interest in assets acquired during a marriage.

Next on your to-do list is to evaluate the cash flow. What is coming in for income each month? Where does your money go each paycheck? How much income will you need to stay in your present home? What can be cut back or eliminated if you and the kids will only have your income for a while? Is there enough of an emergency fund to see you through some bumpy times? Do you know how much your spouse earns? Does he get bonuses? Stock options? What's in their benefits package?

If you are not working right now, what will you use for living expenses if he's not as generous as you believe he should be? Can you start to look for a job and find childcare if necessary? If you currently have only a joint checking account, open one in your own name as well. You may need the joint account for household bills and so on, so don't close it just yet, but don't put any more money into it either.

Record the essential household expenses; you will need these numbers to negotiate for child support and alimony. Don't forget things like healthcare expenses or added insurance costs once you are divorced. Accuracy counts; neatness does not!

Make copies of everything. With tax returns, go back three years or more (five is better). If your spouse is hiding assets, the tax returns may provide a paper trail. You not only want a copy of the list, you want to get your hands on everything on the list and make copies of the most recent statements for all of your financial accounts. Make copies of pay stubs, benefits statements, and pension and retirement accounts. Make sure you have easy access to these documents during this crisis period.

Credit and Debt

If you and your spouse will be negotiating debt, you need to document whose debt it was. Take a look at what debt you are carrying that you can eliminate so your cash flow is manageable. If he/she gets the car, then he/she gets the car loan that goes with it!

You want to review your credit history, so send out requests to the credit-rating services for copies of your credit history. You'll want to see what the major credit agencies have on file for you. What happens to the mortgage if it is currently in both your names but only one of you will live there and make the payments? What's the liability involved? You will want to have a credit card in your own name. Get that established as soon as possible. Then you'll want to cancel the joint credit card accounts you have with your spouse. As a word of caution, creditors won't cancel an account until the balance is paid off, but they will close off the ability to post additional charges to the account.

This article has been excerpted with permission from the book Everywoman's Money, Financial Freedom, published by Apha Books . Copyright © 2001 by Dee Lee. Dee Lee is a Certified Financial Planner, a Registered Investment Advisor, and the author of several financial books. Her weekly column appears in the Boston Herald, and she is often consulted as a financial expert for TV and radio stations across the U.S. A regular contributor to CNBC's Power Lunch, she has been featured in The Sunday New York Times and quoted in many national publications.

Parental Alienation Syndrome Article

Donald Schweitzer — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 18:10:00 GMT

Parental Alienation - A Corrosive Legacy
By Judge Michele Lowrance

I have been a judge on the divorce bench for 16 years, and have watched the wreckage of the corrosive legacy of parental alienation and visitation interference play out over decades. We have no statistics for measuring this group, because the victims are too vast. But the concentric circles include the children, their children and the extended family as well. The declaration of war by one parent on another creates radioactive fallout, which contaminates for generations.

The alienating parent treats the target parent like a disease in the child that must be removed. They make the child's survival contingent upon such removal. So the child must extricate the parent without the privilege of grieving the loss. These are crippling circumstances.

I have witnessed impassioned declarations of love for a child by an alienating parent to masquerade the venom he/she feels for the other parent. Parents who do this are not interested in mere control. Their stakes are higher: total annihilation of the target parent's bond with the child. Little by little, alienation in a divorce case starts to take root. And when it fully takes root, I see the child's boundaries collapse before my eyes. Soon the child forgets how to protect him or herself, and must align with the alienating parent as if life depends on it -- because it does.

Perhaps curing this degenerating influence may, in the future, be addressed by therapy. But for now, we can and must do better. I want to tell you how to be proactive in court, and how to fight against the inclination to give up like so many hurt, alienated parents -- who are, frankly, not always welcomed in the courts.

Why Cases Involving Parent Alienation are so Difficult

Here are some reasons these cases are so difficult, and why judges often have no love for them:

Combative parents present conflicting stories of "he said / she said," and make it very difficult to determine who is telling the truth. Often an alienating parent comes to believe what he or she is saying, and their presentation seems authentic.
When targeted parents present their side of the case, they are often angry and frustrated -- and as a result, they don't present very well in court. Judges often consider attitude as influential as content.
The children often support the alienating parent by telling the judge, their attorney and mental health professionals how they have been treated badly, and of their dislike, for the target parent. The reasoning skills of alienated children are often compromised, as is their ability to choose freely.
Alienated children often won't cooperate with therapeutic intervention, and courts have difficulty enforcing these orders.
Judges like to believe that what they do works and it is the right decision. When their decisions don't work, they often get exasperated with both parties.

What You can Do in Courts

Despite these difficulties there is plenty that you can do. Here are some suggestions for handling parental alienation in the courts:

Parenting plan orders should be entered as soon as possible.
Create an alienation map or chart for the judge, which shows him or her in five minutes what couldn't be said in five hours. This map should include all missed visits, and a list of all the denigrating phrases made by alienating spouse to the children, including the friends and/or extended family of the hated parent (if they are admissible in evidence). If you know how to make a graph, you can show the increase in missed visits in a very compelling and impactful way.
Most judges aren't warm to the phrase Parent Alienation Syndrome. Instead, ask the judge to please keep an eye open for visitation interference, as the case progresses, and describe for him or her the maligning behavior.
Get a court order for parenting therapy as soon as possible.
If orders are violated, go to court on a Rule To Show Cause for violation of the order as soon as possible. If you can't afford an attorney, then do this yourself. Write petition for rule, for visitation violation, for family therapy, or for makeup visitation.

You may be among the many alienated parents I have known, who have grown weary due to the repetitive stress fracture on your heart. Each time your visitation is interfered with, it has a cumulative affect. This can make you hyper sensitive, which easily magnifies your emotional response.

Because your emotions are flooding your ability to reason, writing and rewriting a petition with your attorney is a rational thing to do and gives your thoughts "breathing time." If you immediately act upon your anger, you are just going to make things worse -- and perhaps run the risk that the other parent will get an order of protection against you. Reflect upon the past consequences of your amped up anger. Did you write nasty emails, make hostile phone calls, yell at your child, become overly aggressive, or decide to retreat and do nothing?

The way to tell if your anger serves you is to always ask yourself the following four questions:

Does this anger further my constructive goals?
Does this anger further degenerate my relationship with my children?
In what ways does this anger help me?
In what ways does this anger help my spouse?

If your reactions are based upon what has been done to you, you can only respond with hatred. When you do this, you give the alienating parent the "upper hand," because he or she has provoked you to become the hateful person who they are portraying you to be to the children. Don't let someone else provoke, influence, and therefore control how you behave. You run the risk of actually becoming as miserable and dysfunctional of a person as they're trying to portray you to your children. When you react with hatred, you not only play into their hands, you're letting them steer your ship, letting them determine your present and future.

When Your Children Come Home, Who do You Want Them to Come Home to?

As you read this, you may be on the edge of giving up. You may be starting to feel that nothing can work against your former spouse's devotion to destroy your relationship with your children. Even though you may be physically invisible to your children, you will always be visible to them through stories, gossip and second hand reporting from all sources. When we lose a loved one, we often decide to live the way that the departed person would have wanted us to. In the same spirit, when you lose a child to alienation, you need to live as if he or she is watching you. Your long term goal is to become the person your child wants to come home to.

Michele F. Lowrance has been a domestic-relations judge in the Circuit Court of Illinois since 1995. A child of divorce who was raised by her grandparents, Judge Lowrance has been divorced and has devoted her professional life to helping those similarly situated.

Telling Family and Friends About Your Divorce

Donald Schweitzer — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 12:15:00 GMT

Once a divorce lawyer in Pasadena helps settle your case, it's up to you to tell your family and friends the news. This isn't an easy conversation to have, but it's better that they hear the news from you directly instead of being surprised by secondhand gossip.

Getting a divorce qualifies as a significant life change, so it's a good idea to tell people in person whenever possible. If you can't tell them in person, pick up the phone. A text or an email can easily be misinterpreted, since there is no body language to help the recipient determine the context of your remarks.

When you tell people you are getting a divorce, keep the juicy personal details to a minimum. Although your emotions are running high at the moment, you want to avoid saying anything that you might be embarrassed by in the future. If you have children, you should refrain from negative comments about your spouse as a sign of respect for the children's relationship with him or her.

Older relatives or those with especially strong religious beliefs often view divorce as a sin. They may blame you for the breakup of your marriage, regardless of the actual circumstances. If you tell them before your divorce is finalized, they may try to convince you to change your mind. Dealing with this behavior can be frustrating. Be polite, but firm. Explain that while you respect their personal feelings about divorce, you are confident you've made the best decision for you.

When telling mutual friends about your divorce, they are likely to feel as if they need to choose sides in the matter. To keep conflict to a minimum, avoid venting excessively about your marital troubles and refrain from asking questions about when they've last spoken to your spouse.

An experienced California divorce attorney can help you with the legal aspects of ending your marriage, but finding the emotional support you need is a bit trickier. If your family and friends react poorly to your announcement, consider joining a divorce support group so you have a place to discuss your feelings with others who are going through similar experiences.

Is Divorcing Young Bad for Your Health?

Donald Schweitzer — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:55:00 GMT

A new study from Michigan State University released last month warns that if you're young and divorcing in Pasadena, you might end up with more health issues than your older divorcing counterparts, as well as more issues than couples who stayed married.

According to the Huffington Post, self-reported health information from 1,282 participants from the last 15 years was analyzed by Michigan State Researcher Hui "Cathy" Liu. Liu specifically looked at the "difference in well-being between those who stayed married and those who divorced."

Among the couples who divorced, Liu found that it was younger divorced folks who reported more health issues. This research surprised her.

"I would have expected divorce to carry less stress for the younger generation, since divorce is more prevalent for them," Liu said in a statement released by Michigan State University.

She believes that the findings confirm younger couples need more emotional support and education when it comes to relationships and marriage.

"It's clear to me that we need more social and family support for the younger divorced groups. This could include divorce counseling to help people handle the stress, or offering marital therapy or prevention programs to maintain marital satisfaction," said Liu.

Published in January's Social Science & Medicine as part of a continuous national survey, her findings she says indicated that perhaps older people going through divorce are better emotionally equipped to handle the stresses of divorce than younger people. Liu also believes that older people are among the most unhappily married due to pressure to stay together so when they finally do get divorced, they experience more relief than younger divorcees.

"This suggests it is not the status of being married or divorced, per se, that affects health, but instead is the process of transitioning from marriage to divorce that is stressful and hurts health," Liu said.

The Huffington Post points out that Liu also lead a study that examined the connection between health and divorce in 2008 which found "self-reported health of divorced, separated and widowed people had worsened from 1972 to 2003."

How Long Can I Receive Alimony?

Donald Schweitzer — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 12:05:00 GMT

If you're considering aPasadena divorce, you may be wondering if there is a minimum length of time you must be married in order to receive alimony. While the length of your marriage doesn't determine if you can receive alimony, it is often a factor in how long the payments are made.

Alimony, sometimes called spousal support or maintenance, is a payment made by one spouse to the other in the event of a divorce. Alimony is for the financial support of the adult receiving the payments. Child support is for the needs of the children from the marriage and is determined separately.

In California, a marriage lasting 10 years or more is considered of long duration and thus eligible for extended alimony benefits. If a couple is married for less than 10 years, generally alimony eligibility is determined to be half the length of the marriage. For example, a couple married for six years would have three years of alimony eligibility. This is just a starting point for alimony awards, however. Many other factors are also considered.

Some of the factors that determine alimony awards are the health, age, and future earning prospects of the divorcing couple. For example, a 50 year old woman who has not held a job outside the home in 25 years would be much more likely to receive alimony than a 25 year old with an MBA. Contrary to popular belief, gender is not a factor in determining alimony awards. Alimony is concerned with earning potential alone.

There are four types of alimony awards:

Temporary alimony is alimony awarded pending the divorce proceeding;
Rehabilitative alimony is alimony given to allow the lesser earning spouse time to become self sufficient;
Permanent alimony is paid until the death of one of the spouses or the remarriage of the recipient; and
Reimbursement alimony is payment for expenses the spouse incurred during the marriage - such as paying for a graduate degree for the higher earning spouse.

A Pasadena matrimonial lawyer can provide advice regarding which type of alimony is most appropriate for your case.

Assault Charges Dropped for Divorcing Country Star Rodney Atkins

Donald Schweitzer — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 13:00:00 GMT

Divorce attorneys in Pasadena have seen too many couples end their marriages because of other legal issues like bankruptcy, fraud and domestic abuse. Country music singer Rodney Atkins says it was his estranged wife's accusations of domestic violence that drove the couple to divorce. Recently, a Tennessee judge dismissed those charges.

Last November, Atkins was arrested at his home in Brentwood after his wife Tammy Jo told police he tried to suffocate her after a night of drinking. Tammy Jo Atkins told police that the couple had been arguing all night and that her husband was intoxicated. After he allegedly tried to smother her with a pillow, the next morning she said Atkins grabbed her face and shoved her. She says the alleged assault happened in front of their young son. He says the altercation was exaggerated. Now a judge has ruled Atkins will not be prosecuted on a misdemeanor domestic assault charge if he continues to meet court-ordered conditions.

On Wednesday, a Tennessee judge agreed to "retire the charge." This means it will be removed from Atkins' record provided he completes 30 hours of community service and stays out of trouble for the next 11 months and 29 days. Atkins, according to Attorney Rose Palermo, passed court-ordered anger management, drug and alcohol evaluations. Atkins has not admitted guilt as part of this deal.

Atkins, who exploded on the country music scene with platinum-selling No. 1 hits like "If You're Going Through Hell (Before the Devil Even Knows)" and "Take a Back Road," and his wife are divorcing. In a statement from December, Atkins said it was his wife's allegations that led the couple to divorce. Palmero says the pair currently shares custody of their son Elijah and are working on a custody arrangement and divorce settlement.