Recent Blog Posts in April 2010 |
| April 14, 2010 |
| Top 10 Actions to Take In Preparing For Divorce |
| Posted By Lynette Musgrave Noll |
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By
Lynette Musgrave Noll, CDFA
You are thinking of getting a divorce but don't know where to start. You are not alone. Nearly 2.8 million men and women go through the trauma of divorce every year, and most are not prepared for the emotional and financial costs. There are several action steps you can take now to minimize the toll of divorce on your psychological and financial well being.
- Stash your cash. Divorce is expensive. Legal fees, therapist bills, court costs, new household expenses and a need for an occasional break from it all adds up to a significant amount of money. Before you file for the divorce, examine the costs and begin to gather the funds necessary to get through this without going into debt or tapping into other savings accounts.
- Collect records. Document, document, document. Gather copies of all financial records before you begin the divorce process. It is much easier to get this information when you have access to it than after you have moved out. Though there are laws that require full disclosure of all financial information, you will save time and money if you begin the divorce process with verification of the claims you are making.
- Strategically plan. Do not just pack your bags and leave. There are several important time frames to consider. Have you been married just under ten years and waiting a few months or a year would qualify you for a portion of your ex's Social Security benefits? Are you in a long-term marriage where spousal support might be affected? Is your spouse due to get a bonus that could be considered community property if you wait a few more months? Consult with legal and financial professionals before you make a move that will have long-term financial impact.
- Form your support team. You will need help in getting through this process. Chose your attorney or mediator. If you do not already have one, find a therapist for the emotional support you will need. Talk with your professional financial advisor. Inform your closest friends of what you are going through so that they can be available to help.
- Assess your strengths. What are your financial assets? Be clear about all that you have. Don't overlook anything. Safe deposit box, your spouse's hobby income, retirement plans, insurance policies...all must be disclosed and most are subject to negotiation in the division of assets.
- Micromanage the process. This is a time when you do not want to overlook anything. Ask questions until you are confident of the answers. When in doubt, keep asking. Listen to the answers your professionals give but take charge of the process.
- Keep your eye on the goal. When considering the division of property and determining support amounts, consider your short-term and long-term financial goals and needs. Should you keep the house? Would it be better to hold on to a part of the retirement accounts? What are the tax consequences of your decisions? Financial professionals can project short and long-term outcomes to settlement proposals and make suggested changes that may better suit your needs.
- Protect yourself. Close joint credit card accounts as soon as possible. Be clear about your health insurance plan. If receiving support, does your spouse have adequate disability insurance to cover support payments? If domestic violence has been an issue, know the laws and how to protect yourself.
- Be prepared. Divorce is a difficult process for all parties involved. Have plans in place for the unexpected challenging times. Who will help the children get through the emotional challenges? What will you do if the divorce lasts for several years? What will you do if you or one of the children gets sick? It would be nice if all other areas of life went smoothly while going through divorce but that is rarely the case. Discuss preparedness plans for times of crises.
- Move toward the future. Examine your career or start one. Will it accommodate your goals and dreams? Write out your dreams. Explore and develop your hobbies. Exercise to get or stay in shape. Reconnect with old friends. There is life after divorce. Prepare yourself for a fulfilling and joyful future.
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| April 06, 2010 |
| How Do Property Disputes First Go Wrong? |
| Posted By Joseph Warren Kniskern |
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by Joseph Warren Kniskern
Think back briefly to the beginning of your marriage. In preparing for a property settlement, reflect upon how property ownership issues affected you even before your wedding.
Management of Finances
Did you and your spouse consistently deal with your finances and property in a particular way? Did you combine all of your earnings and then pay bills, or was there a mutual agreement as to who paid certain bills? Was it understood that certain investments were personal to one spouse?
Some spouses do not have much experience in handling finances. In counseling many church couples on financial matters, I found that joint checking accounts and the use of one checkbook by both spouses were often arguments waiting to happen. Inevitably, one spouse would have the checkbook when the other needed it. The other spouse would write a check and forget to record it in the register, so the account would be overdrawn. This can be trouble enough during a marriage, but add the complications of divorce, and it becomes quite difficult to trace funds.
Other spouses use independent checking accounts. In this way, if one spouse is negligent in handling money, it does not put the family finances in jeopardy. Records that indicate who paid for certain expenses are very useful when both parties can account for personal and marital funds.
Title to Property
How is your real and personal property titled? Who held the title at the time you married? Was the title changed during your marriage?
There are many reasons spouses change title ownership to major real and personal property investments. Aside from the obvious desire to show solidarity among mates, there can be significant tax and personal liability considerations in having the title owned by one or both spouses.
Titles to automobiles and boats should seldom be in the name of both spouses for liability reasons. Any entry of a judgment against both spouses subjects any jointly held property to confiscation (if the property is not otherwise exempt by law, such as a family homestead). Title to these assets is persuasive in deciding what the parties receive in a property settlement. But many spouses believe that liability issues are a higher priority. They put different assets into individual names and view each asset as separately owned property.
Premarital Agreement
A premarital agreement between spouses outlines how property is to be divided, spouse support, and other matters in the event of any future divorce. When spouses are not equal financially, such agreements can protect the wealthier spouse from any exploitation.
There are obviously several drawbacks to using a premarital agreement. To a young couple in love, the entire issue can communicate "I don't trust you." The underlying message is that you are planning for a marriage that may not last "until death do we part." For Christians, premarital agreements can send an even stronger negative message. Christians can and should view their marriage as lasting for life. If an agreement can be sensitively discussed by a couple before marriage, it is useful if needed or conveniently forgotten if not. However, if the agreement only fosters bitterness and emotional turmoil just before a marriage, it is probably best to forget it.
Perceived mistrust can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If a spouse perceives mistrust, he or she may act accordingly. To spouses who are business-oriented, an agreement may be good. Although not pleasant to think about, planning is prudent -- like making a will or buying life insurance. For inexperienced mates, though, it can be emotionally devastating.
But guidelines in premarital agreements can resolve issues in advance -- before emotions are running high and property division is a hotly contested issue. Think about it. Why not decide these matters at the start of a marriage when each party is lovingly cooperative? Partners begin with a partnership agreement. If spouses resolved property matters in advance, divorces would be over in a short time. Many believe it is desirable for a couple to discuss these matters early in a serious dating relationship. This is especially true in states where the laws are not fair to both spouses.
If you are facing a divorce now, find out if any existing premarital (or antenuptial) agreement governs your property rights. Did you ever sign such an agreement? If so, have your attorney review it immediately and advise you as to your rights and responsibilities. If it is not fair and reasonable to you, the courts may be able to intervene and provide you with relief.
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| April 06, 2010 |
| Dating and the single parent |
| Posted By Sabrina Toucinho |
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Re-entering the dating world can be stressful and complicated -- especially when you have children. Here are a few tips to make dating easier on you and your kids.
By Sabrina Toucinho
Now that you're separated or divorced, everything is different. Take dating for instance: before your marriage, you wondered when to introduce your boyfriend to your parents; now, it's your children you have to worry about.
Many single parents avoid the whole question of dating by devoting all their time outside of work to their children. At first glance, this seems like the "right thing to do"-- and it's probably what your children would say they wanted if you were to ask their opinion. But this approach can backfire. "Becoming socially active again is important because it helps free a parent from becoming obsessive about his or her parenting role," writes Vicki Lansky in her Divorce Book for Parent. "Letting your adult life revolve around your child's is actually very hard on your child."
Adult one-on-one interaction is an important ingredient to successful parenting. It allows you time to be a person as well as a parent, to rejuvenate, and to find help and friendship. Adult interaction is also vital to avoid the pitfall of relying too heavily on children to fill the gap left by an adult. As a single parent, you have adult needs for intimacy, understanding, companionship, reassurance, encouragement and romance that can only be fulfilled by another adult. "The children will end up feeling the burden and the responsibility of making their parent happy," says John Gray, Ph.D., author of Mars and Venus Starting Over and the founder of the Mars and Venus seminars and workshops. "All a child wants is for their parents to be happy, but an adult has other needs that a child cannot meet."
In the short term, you run the risk of burn-out if you don't take some time to care for and enjoy yourself. In the long-run, your lack of social life could make you emotionally dependent on your children, which is unhealthy and stressful for everyone concerned.
On the flip side, don't feel you have to run out and find a new mate to provide another parent for your kids. Your kids are probably better off with you alone than with your rebound-romance interest.
Where to start
Before embarking on a new relationship, you should think about what you're looking for in a companion. What specific qualities do you find attractive? What specific qualities will complement you, your children, and your lifestyle? What type of companionship are you seeking: do you need a friend, a date, or are you hoping to remarry? Are you willing to date a single parent (scheduling can be a real problem, but another single parent should have true empathy for you and your situation)?
Getting back into the dating scene again can be frightening. The best places to meet new people are in places where you are most comfortable – at your place of worship, a volunteer organization, or you might even want to spread your flirting wings by testing them safely on an online dating site.
Socializing with your kids along can be a good way to ease back into the social scene. A group called Parents Without Partners offers discussion groups, workshops, children's programs, and social events (check your local phonebook for the number in your area). You could also start your own family-oriented social group by inviting all your single-parent friends and their children to some event, such as a picnic or a day at the zoo. If you don't know any other single parents, a divorce support group is an excellent place to meet some. You could also ask your friends to invite their single-parent friends or acquaintances to enlarge the social circle.
If you regularly set aside time for outings with friends, support groups, or dates, you and your kids will reap the benefits: you'll be calmer and happier, which will make you a better parent. Once a week is a good goal for getting out with another adult. Whether you see a movie, spend a day window-shopping, take a walk, attend a support group, or grab lunch or a coffee, try to make a resolution to give yourself adult interaction on a regular basis.
Kids' reactions
When most divorced parents start dating, their children's reaction is usually negative. Your children may see your dates as competition for your love and attention, and it will damage or destroy their fantasies that you and you ex will get back together. Your dating can also reawaken the fears of abandonment they felt when you split up with their other parent.
Often children are more accepting of Dad's dating than of Mom's dating. It's difficult to determine whether it's a sexist reaction or just that Mom is usually the caretaking parent and is expected to maintain the status quo.
Experts advise asking yourself these questions when deciding whether you should let your kids know you're thinking of (or have already started) dating again:
- Has your child had the time and outlets to deal with his or her emotions over the divorce? Making sure kids have successfully dealt with their emotions can decrease anger and negative behavior directed towards you and your new partner.
- You may be ready to try again, but are your children ready? Children may be more traumatized over the divorce than either of the parents.
- Do you have good communications with your child? Would your child come to you if he/she were feeling threatened, unsure, or concerned? Reassure your child that he or she will always come first and that you're always willing to listen.
By being aware of your children's emotional needs, and keeping them part of the equation, you're helping them to be happier. And a happy, secure child will be more accepting of your new partner.
Consider your children's needs carefully before you expose them to a potential partner. You are better equipped emotionally to handle a series of up and down dating relationships than your children. Also, give your children whatever amount of time they need to adjust to your new lifestyle. Talk to them openly about your need for adult companionship. Lovingly reassure them that no relationship will come between you and them.
Dr. Gray also reminds single parents not to feel guilty about dating. "When a single parent wants to go out on a date, often they'll feel guilty that they should spend more time with their children. But what parents don't know is that even if they were still married, their children would want more. It's a child's job to want more, and a parent's job to set reasonable limits." Reasonable limits means that you don't sacrifice all your needs for the sake of your children.
Introductions
When you decide that your children are ready to meet your date, try a movie or dinner. Don't start with him or her spending the night. After the children get to know and establish a relationship with this new person, then and only then can you expect your kids to be able to handle waking up to a new person in the house.
"For the first three months, Hal and I only dated when his kids were at their mother's place," says Sara. "Hal shares joint custody of eight-year-old twins, Tim and Sam, with his ex-wife: they spend alternate weeks with each parent. "When our relationship became serious, we decided that I should meet the kids on neutral ground. So we all went to the zoo -- Hal introduced me as a friend,' and we saved our kissing and cuddling for when we were alone later. We had a great time," she remembers.
You may consider introducing your kids to your new love interest only when you feel that the relationship is a significant one. Don't introduce them while you're in the throws of new romance. You need to know that the relationship is serious and committed on both parts.
If you were having an affair before your marriage ended, you may have known your lover for a long time, but this doesn't mean your kids are ready to meet him or her. Margaret made the mistake of introducing her "new" man -- who she had actually been seeing for more than a year -- one week after her husband moved out. "It was awful," she recalls. "My kids just hated Alex, and they were furious with him because they thought he broke up my marriage." Margaret has three children aged 9-15. "Alex was a symptom, not the cause of the split, but that didn't matter to them. It's been a year since they met Alex, and they still hate him. I don't know if they'll ever accept him, and it puts a huge strain on our relationship."
In reaction to a new partner, a child may throw fits and tantrums. The way a parent can deal with this is by listening patiently and understanding their pain. "A wise parent is able to recognize that the expression of these feelings is a necessary adjustment and that they will pass," says Dr. Gray.
Your children may attempt to sabotage your dates by being rude and obnoxious, or by "forgetting" to pass along phone messages. Let your child know that you understand that he or she is feeling angry and upset, but make it clear that this type of behavior is unacceptable.
Remember not to take it personally if your child doesn't immediately fall in love with the new person in your life. He or she is probably still angry that mom and dad are divorced, and that anger is often directed at your new partner. Until a child's hurt, anger, and fear are healed, he or she may not like anyone you pick, so instead of trying to convince a child that your new love is wonderful, you should focus on helping a child feel and express his or her loss.
Making time for your kids
When you're caught up in the excitement of a new romance, you run the risk of inadvertently neglecting your children emotionally: your new couple relationship can threaten your parent-child relationship.
You must make spending time alone with your children a priority when a new relationship is taking shape. If you're a non-custodial parent, or if your children are with you for short periods of time (e.g., alternate weekends), make sure to have lots of one-on-one time when your kids are visiting. For instance, your date could come over for dinner one night, and then spend the evening with you after you've put the kids to bed (if the kids ask, your date could help you put them to bed, too).
Overnight Guests
This is a very hard issue for both parents and kids. And there isn't a "one size fits all" answer.
Listen to your instincts. If you aren't ready to field questions about having your new love interest stay over and feel uneasy about the situation, don't issue the invitation.
Many single parents avoid having an overnight guest until they've been with the person for several months, when their children are comfortable with him or her, and when they expect the relationship to be long term. "Instead of confusing children, opt to having your overnight somewhere else," says Brook Noel, the co-author of the Single Parent Resource. "Consider a weekend getaway, or staying at your partner's residence on a night the children will be with their other parent. It's okay to have your partner over and stay late, just try to avoid your children wondering 'Who's in the shower?' or 'Who is sleeping in your bed?'"
No matter how well everyone is prepared, there'll be some uneasy feelings the first time you expose your kids to your love life. They may ask you some surprising questions. Depending on their age, your kids may want to know whether you and your ex slept together before you were married, whether you were monogamous in your past marriage, or how many partners you have had. Be honest, but also be appropriate: base your answers on your child's age and level of maturity. Teens, especially, may be looking for reasons to say "no" to peer pressure, so make the answers to their questions constructive for them. But also remember that while children should know the basics of your social life' they do not need graphic information about your sex life.
Time is on your side
One of the greatest challenges of single parenting is to nurture your own adult needs and your children at the same time.
By minimizing how many potential partners your child is exposed to, you'll minimize conflicts, objections, and angry outbursts from your child. Whether you choose to continue to sail solo or embark on a new relationship, be patient and take your time. Move forward slowly with a new partner, and get to know him or her really well before embarking on remarriage or living together -- for your own sake as well as your children's.
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| April 06, 2010 |
| A Divorce Attorney Who's a Perfect Fit |
| Posted By Diana Shepherd |
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How to find a family lawyer tailor-made to suit your divorce's unique needs.
By Diana Shepherd
"So far, Jane's divorce has cost us about $120,000. It'll probably be closer to $150,000 by the time the dust settles." Micheal, a Chicago-based architect, is speaking about his fiancee's extremely bitter split with her ex-husband. "We hired the best divorce lawyer money could buy, and it was worth every penny," he asserts forcefully.
On the other side of the coin is Susan, an assistant editor at a Toronto newspaper. "We each entered the marriage with nothing, and we left with nothing," says Susan. "No kids, no money, no investments, no assets. Since we managed to remain on good terms throughout our separation, we opted for a do-it-yourself divorce. Our divorce agreement basically consisted of us saying, 'You take the microwave, I'll take the TV set'," she adds.
If you're like most separated North Americans, your situation is probably somewhere between Jane's and Susan's: you've acquired some assets -- or children -- during your marriage, and you and your ex are relatively civil to one another most of the time. You've also probably never had occasion to retain a divorce lawyer before, and may have no idea how to go about finding the divorce lawyer who's right for you.
The search begins
"Unfortunately, many people spend less time searching for a family lawyer to handle their divorce than they do shopping for a new car, home, or apartment," says Lester Wallman, a partner in the New York family-law firm Wallman, Greenberg, Gasman, & McKnight and the author of Cupid, Couples & Contracts: A Guide to Living Together, Prenuptial Agreements, and Divorce (Mastermedia). "It's shocking when you consider that their future, money, property, and the custody and support of their children may be forever affected by the quality of the divorce lawyer they choose."
Finding the right divorce lawyer is critical for your divorce and you can begin your search by talking to those you know: ask for recommendations from a close friend or family member (your friends and your family -- not your spouse's) who have been through divorce themselves. If you can't get any personal recommendations, there are professional organizations that offer family-lawyer referral services, such as The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (312-263-6477, www.aaml.org), The American Bar Association -- Family Law Section (800-454-8432 or 312-263-6477, www.abanet.org), and The Law Society of Upper Canada (800-268-8326 or 416-947-3330, www.lsuc.on.ca). Ask for two or three names of local lawyers who devote their practice to family law. Also, check your phonebook for the number of your local Bar Association.
Visit a library and take a look at the "Martindale-Hubbell" -- a seven-volume compendium of lawyers categorized by state and ability. Read the biographies, and make sure the attorneys you select specialize in matrimonial or family law. You could also visit a courthouse in order to see lawyers in action; call the clerk's office to obtain dates and locations of cases and hearings.
"How much" lawyer do you actually need? The best (and most expensive) litigator money can buy, or someone who can handle the whole thing quickly and inexpensively? Is it important to find a lawyer who's "compatible" with you: one who understands and respects your thoughts and feelings about your divorce? Or can -- and more importantly, should -- you handle your divorce yourself?
Your answers to these questions will be determined by your own unique circumstances. Here are some basic guidelines to help put you on the right track.
Finding a divorce lawyer
Choosing which divorce lawyer will represent you may be the most important decision you'll make during your divorce proceedings. As in any profession, there are good divorce lawyers and bad divorce lawyers. It's up to you to do your homework -- and to ask the right questions -- to determine which group your family attorney falls into.
"The ideal family lawyer lets you participate in a discussion about your situation and is not afraid to tell you at the outset advice and information you may not want to hear," states Michael Cochrane, a Toronto-based family lawyer and divorce mediator with Ricketts Harris, and the author of Surviving Your Divorce: A Guide to Canadian Family Law (John Wiley Canada, 1999). "After spending 30 minutes with this divorce lawyer, you can answer three questions: Do I feel comfortable with this person? Do I respect his or her opinion? Does this person respect mine?"
Look for someone who:
- Practices matrimonial or family law. A divorce lawyer who specializes in taxation, even if he or she's your best friend, isn't going to be much help to you.
- Can work with other professionals. As a family-law attorney, he or she must be able to work with accountants, appraisers, and other expert witnesses to track down and evaluate assets.
- Has a lot of experience. If your divorce lawyer is fresh out of law school, make sure he or she has an experienced mentor at the firm -- one with an excellent knowledge of relevant divorce law -- to go over his/her cases.
- Is a skilled negotiator. If your case can be settled without a protracted court battle, you'll probably save a great deal of time, trouble, and money.
- Is firm. If you do end up going to court, you don't want your divorce lawyer to crumble at the first obstacle.
- Is reasonable. You want someone who'll advise you to settle if the offer is fair, and not to have the case drag on and on to satisfy your need for revenge.
- Is compatible with you. You don't have to become best friends, but you must be comfortable enough with your lawyer to be able to tell him or her some of your deepest, darkest secrets. If you can't bring yourself to disclose information relevant to the case, you'll be putting your lawyer at an extreme disadvantage. "It's important to find a family lawyer you can work with -- one who's on your wavelength," confirms James C. MacDonald, a partner in the family law practice of MacDonald & Partners in Toronto and founding chairman of the national family law section of the Canadian Bar Association. Your family lawyer isn't your therapist or confessor, but he or she does need to be aware of all pertinent facts in order to do a good job for you.
- Is totally candid. Your lawyer should be up-front about what he or she thinks your divorce will cost, if there are holes or any problems with your case, and whether or not you have any aces up your sleeve.
- Is not in conflict with your best interests. Don't share a divorce lawyer with your spouse; don't hire your spouse's best friend (even if he's a friend of yours, too), business partner, or any member of your spouse's family to represent you -- even if you're on good terms with them. Aside from the obvious conflict of interest involved, you'll have created enemies -- and probably a whole new family feud -- before your divorce settles.
- Is more than a pretty face. This may seem painfully obvious, but given our frail human nature, it bears noting here: don't choose a lawyer based on physical attractiveness. You're looking for competence -- not for a date on Saturday night.
Choose a Specialist
In each divorce, different issues come up that require special attention; so it is best to find a divorce lawyer who concentrates on the specific issues that may arise in your divorce. Here are some examples:
- Men's/Fathers' Rights. "To find a good fathers'-rights lawyer, my first piece of advice would be to pick up the Yellow Pages," says Henry James Koehler, a leading Beverly Hills fathers'-rights lawyer. "Call every lawyer listed under 'divorce' and ask them if they win custody for fathers. If they say 'yes', ask them for a consultation." Koehler also suggests asking them for phone numbers of their clients so you can call them to share ideas and problems and to learn the technique of this particular lawyer. "Ask questions like: 'Does he settle? Does he fight? Does he build a team out of himself and the client?'" Koehler advises. Some lawyers, however won't provide clients referrals in order to protect their clients' privacy.
- Women's/Mothers' Rights. As a woman, you may have the right to a share of the assets (including your husband's pension), the family business, or property attained during the the marriage, whether you worked outside the home or not. "A women's-rights attorney can help women get past the gender stereotypes to ensure they receive their fair share," says Arlene Coleman-Schwimmer of the Beverly Hills law firm Coleman-Schwimmer & Warren. "A women's right lawyer knows the language and the issues and has the experience to get past the barriers that women face in divorce."
- Custody. If you believe custody of your children will become a major battle, then going to a lawyer who concentrates on custody issues is very important. "Finding a lawyer that has an expertise in child custody will help achieve the most favorable outcome," says Susan Cartier, a partner in the Connecticut firm Cartier and De Matteo. "You want someone who has the experience and a good working knowledge of the law surrounding custody. Without this knowledge of the specific legal process the children involved could be negatively impacted."
- Small Business. If one or both of you owns a small business, you should "seek a lawyer or a firm that has knowledge of businesses and corporations as well as family law," says Gemma Allen, a partner in the Chicago law firm Ladden & Allen. "Having the knowledge will guarantee that you get your fair share. Your lawyer will have to look at the worth of the business, cash flow versus debt, and evaluate corporate partnerships, real estate, and your liability."
- International. If your divorce deals with out of state/country property, or if there is a threat of having your child removed from the country, hiring a family lawyer who knows international divorce law and policies is essential. "Not every lawyer can handle cases such as these," says Lawrence Bloom, a New York divorce lawyer who regularly handles international cases. "You need someone who has the experience and the knowledge of other countries' divorce laws and views on custody and property."
- Bankruptcy. If one or both of you is facing bankruptcy, hiring a divorce lawyer who understands bankruptcy law can save you lots of time and money. "When bankruptcy occurs within a divorce, it can complicate things," says David Neale, of the Los Angeles family-law firm Levene, Neale, Bender and Rankin. "You will want someone who has the know-how to serve your best interests -- and that includes knowing the law around bankruptcy to ensure that your case isn't put on hold due to the federal matters."
Little firm, big firm
You also need to decide whether you'd like to be represented by a sole practitioner or a full-service family-law firm. Your choice will be partially dictated by your spouse's choice: if the divorce is relatively easy and friendly, you can probably agree on what kind of representation you need. If the divorce is very bitter; if there are children, money, or large assets at stake; or if your spouse is just plain "out to get you", consider hiring a "top gun" -- whether that be a well-respected individual or a team of lawyers at a prestigious firm.
The main advantage to hiring a sole practitioner is that you know exactly who will be working on your case; in bigger firms, the lawyer you speak to initially may not be the one who does the bulk of the work on your case. You will get to know your sole practitioner well, which should make office visits or phone conversations a little more comfortable.
"Many people prefer to have this kind of one-on-one relationship with their lawyer," says Lois Brenner, a Manhattan divorce lawyer and co-author of Getting Your Fair Share (Crown Publishers). "Divorce is a very personal and psychological thing. Having a closer connection with a family lawyer allows a client to feel comfortable and offers him or her the chance to give input." A sole practitioner will usually be less expensive than a big family-law firm, although some top practitioners can be quite pricey.
If you're looking for a divorce law firm to represent you, remember that they come in all types and sizes. A firm can be three lawyers and a few paralegals, or 100 lawyers and more than 20 paralegals. You can hire a general practice firm that deals with various areas of the law and has a smaller department that handles divorce and family law, or a matrimonial firm that handles only matrimonial matters. "In this world of specialization, it can be essential to have an attorney or firm that deals with family-law cases on a regular basis," says Bernard Rinella, a Fellow of the AAML and a partner in Rinella and Rinella, one of the oldest matrimonial law firms in Illinois. "A general practitioner wouldn't know the everyday workings of divorce law that a matrimonial attorney would deal with daily."
Donald Schiller of Schiller, DuCanto and Fleck, the largest family-law firm in the US, agrees. "In a divorce, there's a lot at stake and a lot of issues. Having a family-law firm allows a client to have a huge fund of knowledge and several divorce lawyers to back them up on every aspect of divorce law."
A full-service firm can give you access to specialists in other fields if your case requires it. "You can get everything done in-house," says Malcolm Kronby, a Certified Specialist in Family Law practicing at Epstein Cole and the author of Canadian Family Law (Stoddart Publishing, 1997). A full-service firm can handle complications such as shareholders' agreements, business organization or reorganization, tax-driven settlements (including asset transfers), establishment of family trusts, real-estate transfers, or estate planning. There may be a number of people handling your case at a big firm, which has its own set of pros and cons. One advantage is that you get the experience of a senior lawyer while lower-priced associates, paralegals, and legal secretaries handle some of the standard elements of your case, saving you money.
But most importantly, Cartier stresses the importance of looking at your individual divorce lawyer's ability handle your case. "Size doesn't always matter," she says. "If your particular lawyer listens to your wants and needs and does all he can to achieve them, it doesn't matter if he is with a law firm of two or of fifty."
The initial interview
The outcome of your divorce proceedings will change the course of your life forever, so invest the time and money to find the lawyer who will do the best job for you. "When looking for a lawyer, you should interview two or three prospective professionals before deciding who'll represent you," advises Phyllis Soloman, a New York City lawyer and the former president of the National Conference of the Women's Bar Association. Remember: it's your responsibility to retain a lawyer who's not only good at his or her job, but one whose personality and outlook are compatible with yours.
Here are the questions you should ask during your initial interview:
- Do you practice family law exclusively? If not, what percentage of your practice is family law?
- How long have you been practicing?
- What is your retainer (the initial fee paid -- or, sometimes, the actual contract you sign -- to officially hire a divorce attorney)? Is this fee refundable? What is your hourly fee?
- What is your billing technique? You should know what you're paying for, how often you will be billed, and at what rates.
- Approximately how much will my divorce cost? The divorce attorney will only be able to provide an estimate based on the information you provide -- and your realistic estimation of how amicable you and you spouse are. If you think your case is extremely simple, but your spouse's divorce lawyer buries your family attorney in paperwork, you can expect your costs to increase.
- What do you think the outcome will be? Remember, you're looking for truthfulness here -- not to be told a pretty story.
- If your spouse has retained a lawyer, ask your prospective lawyer whether he or she knows this lawyer. If so, ask:"Have you worked with him or her before? Do you think the divorce lawyer will work to settle the case? And is there anything that would prevent you from working against this lawyer?"
- What percentage of your cases go to trial? You actually want to choose a family-law attorney with a low percentage here -- a good negotiator who can settle your case without a long, expensive court battle.
- Are you willing and able to go to court if this case can't be settled any other way?
- How long will this process take? (Again, the answer will be an approximation.)
- What are my rights, and what are my obligations during this process?
- At a full-service firm, ask who will be handling the case: the lawyer you're interviewing, an associate, or a combination of senior and junior lawyers and paralegals?
- Should I consider mediation? Ask if your case -- at least in the initial stages -- might be a good one for mediation. If there has been violence in the relationship, or one spouse is seriously intimidated by the other, this may not be a viable alternative.
- Should I consider Collaborative Law? "In a collaborative practice, the clients themselves conduct settlement negotiations with their lawyers acting as advisors to the clients instead of taking charge of the process," explains MacDonald, who is the founder and current president of the Toronto Collaborative Family Law Group. "Each party has to find a collaborative lawyer to represent him or her." MacDonald recommends Collaborative Law for most divorce cases -- except when violence or vengeance is involved.
- What happens now? Do I need to do anything? And when will I hear from you? Finally, if there's something you really need to know, or if you don't understand something the lawyer said, don't be afraid to ask for clarification. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," says Susan Cartier. "If there is something you want to know, ask. It's your life on the line." Bring a list of questions with you to the initial interview; that way, you'll know if all of your concerns have been handled.
Sometimes, despite their best efforts, people end up choosing the wrong lawyers. "Normally, a client will gravitate to the lawyer who will fulfill his or her needs -- whether that be for a tough litigator or low-key negotiator," observes David Wildstein, who heads the matrimonial practice at Wilentz, Goldman & Spitzer in NJ. If it's clear that you've chosen the wrong lawyer, he says, don't compound the problem by sticking with them to the bitter end. "You'll either prolong the process unnecessarily, or end up with an unacceptable settlement," says Wildstein.
What your divorce lawyer needs to know
You'll also need to provide information to your prospective lawyer during your initial interview. The better prepared you are for this meeting, the more you'll get out of it. Just as you're searching for the ideal divorce lawyer, the lawyer is hoping you'll be the ideal client: calm, businesslike, competent, and well prepared. "Ideal clients are organized; are willing to work together with me to attain their goals; and are willing to listen to my advice, pay their bills on time, and settle if possible, instead of tapping into their children's college fund," says Soloman.
Of course every case is unique, but the following checklist will give you an idea of what information your lawyer is looking for during your first meeting. You need to disclose:
- Why you are seeking a divorce. What caused your breakup? Are you sure you want to end the marriage, or is the visit to a lawyer meant to be a wake-up call to your spouse? "You need to be sure that you actually want a divorce," says Wildstein. "If you're secretly hoping for a reconciliation, then you and your lawyer are working towards different goals."
- Personal data. Bring as much personal data about you, your spouse, and your children (if any) as you can gather. Write down your names (maiden name too, if applicable); your home and work addresses and telephone numbers; your ages and places of birth; your Social Security Numbers; your states of health -- both mental and physical; your Green Card(s) and immigration papers (if applicable).
- Facts about your marriage. When and where did you get married? Did you sign a prenuptial agreement? If so, bring a copy of the agreement with you. Have either of you been married before? Bring the details of your previous divorce(s) with you.
- If there was there any abuse in the marriage. Your lawyer will need to know if you were ever a victim or a perpetrator of abuse. Despite the fear you may have revealing this kind of information, your silence will prevent your lawyer from doing his or her job in representing you. Knowing about the abuse also allows your lawyer to acquire orders of protection for you and your children.
- Whether there will be custody or access issues. Do you have children, and are there issues that will involve them -- such as custody, joint custody, and access? "If so, be prepared to discuss these issues in some detail on your first visit to your lawyer," says Philip Epstein, senior partner at Epstein Cole in Toronto. "This is more important than financial information, because until you know what's happening with regard to the children, you can't plan anything with respect to your settlement." Kronby agrees, but notes that "some couples are able to defer custody issues and get the financial issues out of the way first."
- Financial information. What assets and debts did each of you bring into the marriage? What are your incomes and what are your expenses -- jointly and individually? What are the names and addresses of your employers? How much money do both of you have invested: in the bank, the stock market, etc.? Has either of you invested in insurance or a pension plan? What property do you own (a house, car, boat, income property, etc.)? Was the property purchased before or after the marriage? Do you have a mortgage, and how much is still owed? Prior to your appointment, create a budget detailing how much you spend every month on items such as housing, food, clothing, personal grooming, gifts, vacations, etc. If you have children, and expect to be their primary caretaker, make sure you factor their costs into your budget.
- Legal documents. Bring copies of prior or pending lawsuits, bankruptcy suits, judgments, and garnishments.
- What you want to get out of your divorce. Be very specific about your goals in terms of division of property and other assets, custody and visitation, and support payments. Telling your lawyer that "I just want my fair share," or "I want to take that cheating louse to the cleaners!" will not help him or her to assess your case.
Should I handle my own divorce?
People are attracted to do-it-yourself (also known as Pro Se, which is a Latin phrase meaning "for yourself") divorces because they are supposed to save both time and money. Unfortunately, most divorces are relatively complicated -- involving complex property transfers and their tax implications; plus the issues of support, custody, and access if children or an unemployed spouse are involved. You'll also have to be able to prove grounds for your own divorce.
If you want to try the pro se route, there are some resources available to help you. Check with your local community college, adult education center, or community center to see if they offer classes on divorce. There are some low-cost legal clinics that will fill out your forms and review your separation agreement to make sure the paperwork is complete before it's filed with the court.
"Lay people can get themselves into more trouble when they try to handle their own divorce because they don't know the procedural ropes, where to file, etc.," cautions Connolly Oyler, a family lawyer and past-president of the Santa Monica Bar Association in California. "They also don't know substantively what they're entitled to. There are a hundred and one pitfalls."
If you do create your separation agreement yourselves, both you and your spouse should each retain an independent lawyer to check all papers before signing -- even if the divorce is "friendly" and you think your agreement is very straightforward.
A quality do-it-yourself kit or book will provide a good introduction to the divorce process. If your divorce is very simple and completely uncontested, a kit may be all you need. But if things turn nasty, or you suspect your spouse is trying to trick you into agreeing to a settlement that really isn't in your best interests, you'll need to consult a lawyer -- who may have to charge you even more money to undo what you did prior to retaining him/her.
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| April 06, 2010 |
| Reaching Renewal |
| Posted By Jane Nahirny |
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Scripting your post-divorce life can be exhilarating, rewarding -- and a little overwhelming. Here are some suggestions to help you along your way.
By Jane Nahirny
Divorce is surely one of life's most elaborate productions, a play with many acts, each of which must be played out in succession. "First, there's the grieving period, with its blame or regret, then we go on to the next stage -- acceptance," explains Debbie Ford, author of Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life and founder of the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching. After acceptance, many people eventually come to see divorce as a renewing factor in their lives, an event that can help them grow and evolve. Sometimes, the transition into this life stage occurs naturally; other times, it must be induced, says Ford. "But once we get into renewal, we can start to see the gift of it, the greater good of it, and the possibility for our future," she explains.
It's a great opportunity for people to recreate themselves, agrees David Simon, M.D., author and medical director/co-founder of The Chopra Center. "It's not uncommon for people to get married at a stage in their lives when they're still in formulation," he says. "When that relationship undergoes a transformation that leads to divorce, it gives people an opportunity to consciously start to create a future that will bring them more well-being, passion, enthusiasm, power, or whatever they felt was lacking in their marriage." In other words, divorce can offer a chance for you to ask yourself, all over again, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" It's a second chance at life, and it's yours for the taking. Here are some suggestions to consider before you journey into your own personal renewal.
Be sure you're ready for renewal
If you're going through a divorce, you're probably looking forward to experiencing a more positive stage in the process: you know, when it stops hurting. But experts warn that it's important to be ready for renewal before you move on with your life. Taking time to indulge in the powerful emotions associated with divorce is critical, says Dr. Simon. "If you short-circuit that emotional healing by pretending everything is okay too quickly, it will definitely show up in the next relationship."
Most people who experience divorce regard it as a failure, a loss of a dream, explains Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Keeping the Love you Find and co-founder of Imago Relationships International. "It's very important that people grieve that loss," he says. "A past that has not been grieved will interfere with the planning of a future, and it can be a true impediment to moving on." It's also important to realize that divorce is co-created, he says. "You need to forgive yourself -- and your partner."
You'll know you're ready to move towards renewal when less of your mind and body are consumed with digesting the experience of divorce, says Dr. Simon. "Like any wound or trauma, it can take a brief moment for the wound to be created, but it may take weeks or months or even years for it to be healed." Give yourself the time you need to grieve and heal this primal wound.
There's nothing to fear but fear itself
During the recovery process, you may find yourself feeling afraid and anxious. Recognize that these are perfectly healthy and normal emotions in a time of change or transition. Divorce challenges our self-image, and the uncertainty it causes creates fear and anxiety about our future. "Anxiety, though, is really an impulse to consciously make choices that will help redefine who we want to be in the world," insists Dr. Simon. "If you're not feeling some anxiety, you're not really embracing the opportunity to learn what's available in divorce." The growing pains of transition from divorce are not unlike those we feel when we're exercising, he adds. "It may not feel good at the time, but you know that the end result is that you're going to be healthier and more fit."
Courage is always there, says Ford, but sometimes we choose to be fearful and afraid instead of being courageous and strong. "Ask yourself, 'Is this choice an act of faith or an act of fear?' Choose to acknowledge fear and stand in faith. Faith is having trust in the universeÉ trust in something bigger than yourself. Faith gives you courage," she says.
Share your journey with a supporting cast
Perhaps the most difficult part of renewal is getting over the sense of inertia and lack of control you felt during your divorce process.
Now is the time to enlist the help of a therapist, life coach, personal trainer, weight loss or other support group, friends, family members, your minister, priest, or rabbi -- whomever you can count on to support you at this critical juncture in your life. "Knowing that your vital energy is really important right now, back away from negative people," stresses Ford. "Make sure you have people around you who are for you, who are cheerleaders for you." Identify which friends you can talk to about which issues, urges Jeffrey Rossman, Ph.D., director, Behavioral Health at Canyon Ranch in the Berkshires, Lenox, MA. "It really does help to have at least one person you can share this with, and sometimes through the sharing of it, you gain some greater understanding of your process."
Be careful though not to burn out friends, however, most of whom will get tired of hearing about your divorce long before you tire of talking about it. Don't be surprised if you lose some friends during the process: some people will feel threatened by your divorce (almost as though splitting up were a contagious disease they could "catch" from you), and some will feel compelled to side with you or your ex. If you are sharing with a close friend, try to choose someone who won't merely "merge" with your pain, adds Hendrix. "You'll want someone who can be your mirror and your wall."
Imagine a new vision for your life
The process of renewal truly begins when we close the door on the past and open new doors to our future, says Ford. Start by creating a vision that is inspiring: "Vision is the antidote for pain and suffering," she says. "Being in action on a vision moves people into new realms of consciousness." One exercise Ford recommends: Visit a local newsstand and choose any magazine that is attractive to you; then let that subject matter guide you in creating a new vision. "You could even cut out magazine pictures and words that affect you in a positive way and make yourself a little vision map," she says. Another way to develop a vision is to take a close look at someone who inspires you, says Ford. "For instance, you may be inspired by Oprah -- but what about her inspires you? This is using the outer world to learn about the inner world."
Another way to get in touch with your true self is to identify your core values, says Rossman. "Then you can begin to craft a life that is based on those values, on what is really most important to you," he says. The key is to start small with a short-term goal. "It's got to be about you, and it's got to be something you have control over," says Ford. See this time as an opportunity to get back into shape, take up painting, learn a foreign language, join a club, plant a garden, or even just re-organize your closet. "If you're feeling overwhelmed, small projects can really give you a wonderful feeling of empowerment," adds Dr. Rossman. "Once you string together a number of small successes, your confidence can really build."
Take care of yourself
Rome wasn't built in a day; your new life plan will also take time and patience to develop. In the meantime, invest in your success by taking care of your mind, body, and spirit. If one of your goals is weight loss, for instance, the key is nourishment. When you've gone through a difficult situation like divorce, you need to be very kind to you. Keep in mind that you're nourishing yourself, and that it's not just about the food. The combination of healthy eating and living gives people going through divorce back that extra little bit of confidence. When you reach small goal, whether it's weight loss or exercise, you start to feel as though you are accomplishing things. Exercise is great for people going through divorce because it strengthens you while providing you with a healthy outlet for anger. It also relieves stress while increasing fitness, says Dr. Simon. "You feel better about yourself, and you generate natural anti-anxiety and natural anti-depressant chemicals," he says. "We also recommend that people learn and practice a meditation technique. This enables you to begin to access that quiet inner voice of your soul. That inner voice only wants four things for us: it wants us to be happy, healthy, to have love and be loving, and to find meaning and purpose in our lives." Of course, you should consult your doctor before starting a new exercise regimen - particularly if you have been a couch potato for some time.
Make your home a sanctuary
Our homes reflect our spirit in so many ways. Now is the time to clear clutter from your path and make your home equally receptive to renewal. When life is good and a long-term relationship is going well, one's home can be the only place you want to be. But if the relationship ends, home needs to be redefined. Tune into the colors and textures that give you pleasure - check out decor magazines, films, nature, fashion - and introduce them into your new home. If you're moving to a new address, try to paint before you move in so that the space welcomes you and your new life. If you're staying put, the act of changing wall colors and furnishings that you never really liked can be rather satisfying.
When Ford was going through her own divorce, she changed out framed photos in her house of her and her former husband with photos of spiritual leaders she admired; she also found great comfort in music. "Is there anything in your environment that is bringing up feelings of loss or sadness or loneliness?" she asks. "If there is - can you - just for now, let them go?" It can also help to create a sacred place in your home, says Dr. Rossman. "For some people, that would be the place where they meditate; for others, it's the place they read.
An online community called Freecycle can help you get rid of stuff you're sure you no longer need or want -- and feel good about it because you're helping others while you purge. www.Freecycle.org allows you to connect with people who actually want your cast-offs: you simply post the items you no longer want, other members "bid" on them, and you decide who gets to come and cart away your old couch/toaster/piano/fax machine. As the name suggests, everything must be given away for free. Of course, if you lost most of your household items in the divorce, you can also post "Wanted" listings to help you replace some of those items for free.
Let the outside in again
When we are going through divorce, it's as if the outside world almost ceases to exist. We become thoroughly and utterly self-absorbed, necessarily, as we transition through the healing process. "When you're self-absorbed, your life energy circles 'round and 'round inside you," says Hendrix. "To get over self-absorption, you need to move your energy out, and one of the best ways to do that is to find something to do that means you give something of yourself away -- whether it's doing something philanthropic, teaching a class, working in a soup kitchen, or planting a garden."
With self-renewal comes an interest once again in people, activities, and issues that fall outside our own inner world. Push yourself to seize these opportunities when they arise. "Reach out also to your closest friends," advises Dr. Rossman. "Sometimes, when people have gone through divorce, they might be feeling needy. One way to really reach out in a friendship is to give back to your friends."
Regardless of how you choose to extend yourself to the outer world, make a commitment to include more f-u-n in your life. "Most of us think we're too busy to have fun," says Ford. "But fun lightens our heart, and that is so renewing."
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