July

Posted By Divorce Lawyer

Readers searching for divorce advice in Pasadena also are likely to be searching for help with other legal issues, just like the family of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. According to new information released this week, just three days before his wife, Mary Kennedy, was arrested for drunk driving, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. filed for divorce. The son of slain presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy filed divorce papers May 12 in the Westchester County Clerk's Office.

Mary Kennedy herself called 911 two days before the papers were filed. Responding officers stated that Mary Kennedy was "visibly intoxicated" and had "great difficulty collecting her thoughts and articulating her reasons for calling." She reportedly told officers that her husband was verbally and physically abusive to her and their children. The recent visit from police was one of several over the past few years, and they were summoned yet again to the home on May 13 where they filed a domestic incident report.

Two days later, Mary was arrested for slamming into a curb near St. Patrick's School on Greenwich road not far from the family's home. Police reported that she had a .11 blood alcohol level, three points above the legal .08. She was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated. Mary Kennedy has been ordered to undergo evaluation for alcohol abuse and is due in court on July 22.

Details of the potential divorce settlement and the filing grounds have thus far been kept from the press. New York State currently does not have no-fault divorce law, but will when a new law goes into effect in September.

The couple has four children. This will be Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s second divorce. He previously was married to Emily Ruth Black, whom he divorced in 1994 only a month before he married his current wife. Kennedy is a respected environmentalist at Pace University School of Law in White Plains, New York.

Continue reading "The Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Divorce and Drunk Driving Debacle" »

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Posted By Divorce Attorney

Throughout singer Melissa Etheridge's very public battle with cancer in 2004, actress and wife Tammy Lynn Michaels was seen as a pillar of support during an extremely difficult time. In fact, the pair, married in Malibu, Calif., in 2003, seemed built to last -- overcoming not only cancer but career highs and lows as well as the busy personal life of raising twin daughters. This makes their recent split all the more surprising. According to her blog, Tammy Lynn Michaels herself was shocked by the divorce. Here's one woman who will undoubtedly be seeking divorce advice in Pasadena.

Tammy expressed in her blog last week that she was taken aback when she was served with divorce papers from lawyers for the 49-year-old singer and songwriter. Etheridge, according to Michaels, promised that the couple would not file for divorce until she returned from a nationwide tour that commences this fall. In her prose-like blog, Michaels writes, "Gentle waves/no noise for awhile/or maybe gentle voice/and SMACK!!! FILE FOR DIVORCE!!/even though we both promised, agreed, handshook, pinkyswore/until after tour ends/in the fall." The actress, who starred in shows like Popular and The L Word, goes on to say that this is but one of many "broken promises" made by Etheridge.

Making matters worse, when Etheridge filed to dissolve the couple's domestic partnership last week, she requested that Michaels be given no financial support. Michaels claims she turned away work to be a full-time mother to the couple's twins as well as Etheridge's children from an earlier relationship with Julie Cypher, and that since the break-up she has been struggling financially. She goes on to describe borrowing money to help feed her children and put gas in her car. She elaborates, saying the whole ordeal has given her a "stomach full of ulcers." The usually-outspoken Etheridge, on the other hand, has remained silent since the separation.

Continue reading "Melissa Etheridge's Ex Shocked By Divorce" »

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Posted By Justine Purcell

Reinventing Relationships

Your marital relationship is over, but what about your relationship with your in-laws, their relationship with your children, or even your relationship with your ex-spouse's new Significant Other? What is healthy and appropriate? Since no one has written the new rules and codes of social conduct for relationships engendered by divorce, we asked some experts to share their insights with us.

By Justine Purcell

Everyone knows at least one divorce horror story, but we seldom hear about people who have established friendly post-divorce associations with each other. "Did you hear that Hugh and Liz are getting along well these days?" just isn't news. Armed with their version of divorce hell, the skeptics tell us it's impossible for a divorced couple to make peace and become friends. They outtalk the quiet and peaceful believers -- perhaps because people who are doing just fine don't feel the need to vent. "If every divorce were a 'War of the Roses', there would be blood on the streets!" points out Barbara Quick, author of Still Friends: Living Happily Ever After...Even if your Marriage Falls Apart .

Luckily, it's never too late to make peace. With determination and good intentions, you can overcome the anger, grief, and sadness of losing a marriage and eventually -- believe it or not -- achieve friendship. Whether or not you want to be "friends" with your ex is a decision in itself, but if you have children together, finding a way to be amicable with your co-parent makes life a lot easier. Your former in-laws don't have to disappear with the marriage either, especially if you've always enjoyed a good relationship with them. Unfortunately there's no rule book for cultivating civility with your ex-spouse, your former in-laws, or even your ex's new spouse -- so we asked several experts -- including people who have managed to create friendly post-divorce relationships -- for some guidance. Here's what they had to say.

Ex-spouse, New Friend?

When the divorce process has pitted you and your spouse against each other, training you to view each other as enemies, any form of future alliance can seem impossible. But if you have children, your ex-spouse is still your co-parent. "It's difficult for separated partners to remain productive co-parents when the legal process is making them enemies," says Lillian Messinger, a Toronto marriage counselor who specializes in post-divorce relationships. It takes a lot of maturity to make amends with the person who has torn apart your life, or who has been a monster in court. But just as it takes two to determine the marriage dynamic, it takes two to make a good -- or bad -- divorce. Quick emphasizes that "every couple has their own relationship dance. All you have to do is change your part in the dance." If you change your behavior, your relationship will change, too.

More information on relationships after divorce:
	It's a date. Getting ready to re-enter the dating scene? Reconcilable Differences: No More Secrets Vengeance and Retribution

Mark and Sara (not their real names) were married for 12 years, and have now been divorced for three. "The first couple years of our marriage was pretty good, but it went downhill rapidly," says Sara. "For the last six years, we communicated in snarls, or through our son, Peter. A friend encouraged us to try mediation, and during the process we started to really talk for the first time in years. The mediator encouraged us to remember what we used to like about each other as we established our co-parenting relationship, and how to listen and 'mine for the gold' in what we said to each other." Both Sara and Mark report that their relationship is better post-divorce than it ever was when they were married. "We are much better as friends than as a couple," says Mark. "Some of the things that really bug you in a spouse just don't matter in a friend. For Peter's sake, we were committed to working on our co-parenting relationship, and the happy side-effect is that we really like each other these days -- which wasn't the case during our marriage."

However well or poorly you knew your former spouse, this will be an exercise in re-acquaintance. Forming a relationship with your ex is entirely separate from the process of ending a marriage; if you work through the process to achieve your "emotional divorce," you can cultivate something entirely new. Your old relationship is over; take the steps to heal so that you can invest your energy elsewhere.

Grieving the death of a marriage is like mourning any other loss: it hurts a lot, and you get through it minute by minute. The trick is to stay on the path to recovery, not stopping at the first challenge. In her research for Still Friends, Quick found that a pattern emerged among those who had successfully recovered from divorce. The process that begins with anger and grieving eventually leads to healing, forgiveness, and insight. "Acknowledge the stage you're at, and allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Most people get stuck in anger and grieving," says Quick, adding that "Everyone has a unique healing process. Some people go through it on their hands and knees, spending months at every stage, others go through it at high speed."

Healing and moving on can take years, but communication with your ex may have to continue both during and after your divorce. If you have children, you will have to discuss the details of their lives. Whether weekly or monthly, these chats are going to develop a personality. They might be draining, dreadful, stressful, infuriating, and frustrating -- or they could be just fine.

Rick Tivers, the co-director of the Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago, advises his clients to create a vision of how the new family will work. "The boundaries have changed, but the parents must still work together in the best interests of their children," says Tivers. "Effective parenting often involves putting yourself second." Developing a conscious relationship with your ex demands the triumph of logic over emotion -- which is practically the opposite of falling in love. In the early stages of divorce, you must not act on your feelings. "You can honor your feelings without acting them out," Tivers points out.

You are no longer in a position to seek answers or resolution from your former spouse. Instead, cultivate the habit of self-examination. Before you act, ask yourself: "Will what I'm about to say or do further my goal of creating a healthy relationship?" If the answer is no, don't do it. Period. New York therapist Debra Burrell -- who was chosen and trained by Dr. John Gray of the Mars/Venus books to lead workshops and offer counseling -- says that residual negative emotions are very often related to lack of closure. You may want nothing more than a final thank-you or some acknowledgment of the good in your marriage, but discovering the source of your wound is the first step in healing it on your own.

What are the options for you and your ex? Really, the whole spectrum -- from bitter enemies to good friends. The relationship you choose will affect your children, friends, and family, so make a conscious decision about where you want to end up. Where there is a history of emotional or physical abuse, no contact is probably the best decision for your family's recovery. Regardless of how much contact there is between you, your goal is to leave bitterness and anger behind. As enemies, you continue to damage yourselves and your children as well as each other. The general rules of polite conduct apply to all post-divorce parents, regardless of the degree of friendship or animosity.

Friend-ly, okay, but friends?

Opinions vary on the viability of post-marriage friendship. Tivers believes that as long as the relationship is based on honor and respect, you can't go wrong. Many divorcing couples don't have friendship in mind after dividing the assets, but there are exceptions. Sometimes friendships between former spouses spring naturally from the freedom of being out of the marital bond. Some couples even maintain a physical relationship, continuing to sleep with each other after they split up.

Dr. Constance Ahrons, author of The Good Divorce , notes that some couples don't even begin their marriage as friends, and therefore have no friendship to return to. "Sometimes friendships develop over time," Ahrons says, "but it's not the goal of the post-divorce relationship. How would you act toward a colleague you don't see very often?" You can be friendly and courteous without actually being friends.

If there's one unwavering constant about divorce arrangements, it's that children of divorce always suffer from animosity. Even if friendship isn't in the cards, avoid turning your child into the go-between, the peacekeeper, or from having to take sides with you or your ex.

Tips for Making Peace with your Ex

Never express negative sentiments about your ex in front of your children: venting and name-calling is damaging to their identity. Even if there's no contact between the two of you, speak positively or not at all. Your children will eventually form their own opinions.
Give up blame. In order to communicate effectively with your co-parent, you must take full responsibility for how you feel and how you act. "Don't blame each other, and don't talk about what you should have done," says Marcella Sabo, author of Whose Kid is it Anyway? and a licensed psychotherapist practicing in New York and New Jersey. Blaming your ex -- whether you voice your opinion or keep it to yourself -- will only hold you back; verbal blaming does damage to you, your ex, and everyone else who is privy to your outburst. Walk away from screaming matches.
Go at the pace of the person most hurt. Generally, the person who was "left" is in a more vulnerable state. A person who is still very hurt and angry will probably not take kindly to friendly overtures. If you or your ex is still grieving, wait: rushing anything can be detrimental to the healing process.
Be polite. Minding your P's and Q's is never out of line. The rules of polite conduct were invented to make awkward situations manageable. There are other outlets for personal conversations; this is business -- particularly in the first year.
Be tolerant. The things that bothered you about your ex shouldn't be as grating now that you no longer live together. Their bad habits and little annoyances will be largely irrelevant to your life. "Hot buttons just won't bother you anymore," says Quick. "When the other person stops having power over your life, tolerance just flows naturally."
Don't ask your children to keep secrets from their other parent. Teaching your kids to keep secrets is teaching them to lie. Instead, learn to edit what you do and say so that your kids won't have to cover for you.
Take the high road. Choose what you know in your heart to be the most positive and productive behavior, no matter how challenging. This is taking the high road -- and you must consciously choose to take it again and again.
Respect your ex. Quick emphatically suggests creating "divorce vows" in which you promise to treat each other with respect, goodwill, compassion, and tolerance.

Old Spouse/New Spouse

Forming a positive relationship with your ex-spouse's new love may be the last thing on your mind. But regardless of your desires, if there are children or a business involved, this person is now officially a part of your life. So what sort of relationship will it be? As with your ex, the main options are no contact, simple civility, or being friends. The optimal situation is one that forwards the best interests of your family, which may be uncomfortable for you at first. To promote tension-free interactions, be unfailingly polite. For both you and your children, a lot of good manners and a little good-will can make a world of difference.

Pangs of jealousy and primal urges for competition are natural, and powerful at times, but they cannot be a part of your relationship. One of you will be moving on before the other -- inevitably. "If the relationship stimulates old feelings," says Dr. Ahrons, "get support from friends for any unresolved grief. It will lessen over time.

" Good-will has a ripple effect, and so does ill-will -- both inspire responsive consequences. Burrell emphasizes that there is a beneficial element to forging a positive association with your ex: taking steps toward harmony today can spare you a lot of grief in the future. So work strategically for good results! The likelihood of emotional flare-ups resulting in greater cooperation is slim to none.

You'll need a set of ground rules and some common goals to make the relationship work. For instance, your common goal could be: "We want the children to grow up happy, self-confident, and well-adjusted." The ground rules could include: "We will not fight in front of the children. We will strive for consensus on all major issues -- health, education, religion, etc. -- and will support each other's right to have different household rules on minor issues -- such as bedtime, chores, etc." Of course, it would be easier if the rules were the same in both houses, but this is not necessary for a positive working relationship. Children can easily accommodate two sets of rules as long as they are clear and consistently enforced.

There are cases in which an ex-spouse and a new spouse become very good friends. This shouldn't be surprising: after all, you both chose to marry the same person, and you may find that you have a lot in common. When friendship develops between an old spouse and a new spouse, they might be tempted to discuss the person they have in common. Don't do it: trading stories about your ex with his/her new spouse is a very bad idea.

The idea of being friends with this individual may sound ludicrous to you, but if you and your ex share custody of your kids, it's in everyone's best interest for you to be at least congenial with his/her new love. This person will inevitably have some responsibility for raising your kids, and will tend to do a better job and be more cooperative if he/she likes you as well as your children.

The village approach to child-rearing focuses less on the relationship between caregivers and more on their common goal: everyone, including parents, step-parents, and extended family wants the children to be happy and healthy. These "friendly" situations work because they are based on honor and respect -- for each other and for common goals.

Even if you don't like your ex's new spouse, you can still do your best to be polite and likeable. A friendly, working relationship requires conscious cultivation, meaning that every conversation, every hello, every meeting to discuss an issue is executed with care. Marcella Sabo recommends being gracious to each other above all else. Even if you're having a disagreement, you can be courteous while remaining firm about your absolute bottom line.

Observing the Golden Rule -- "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" -- is a good place to start. Also, remember that people like to be thanked for their efforts and to be asked politely for favors. "I make it a practice to personally thank my ex's new wife whenever she does something nice," says Eva, a divorced mother of two preteens. "Sometimes I call, and sometimes I send a card. Because Mary feels acknowledged, she's more willing to listen to my point of view and accommodate my requests." For instance, Eva recently had an emergency at work that required her to stay at the office until after midnight. "My ex was out of town on business, so I asked Mary if she could pick up the kids after school and keep them overnight," says Eva. "I think she agreed because I have cultivated a good relationship with her -- partly by letting her know how much I appreciate her efforts."

Former In-Laws

If the relationship was positive before, it can be positive after divorce. Despite the abundance of in-law horror stories, there are many examples of people "keeping" their former in-laws by choice. "When we go to Montreal to visit our son Alan, his new wife Sara, and our grandchildren, we always make a point of getting together with Alan's ex-wife, Francine," says Beth. "She's like a daughter to us, and although I love Sara dearly, I don't want to give up my relationship with Francine just because of the divorce." Francine and Alan are the cooperative co-parents of two daughters, and they both understand that their children can only benefit from Francine's friendly association with Alan's parents.

The end of a marriage need not mean the end of all communication and friendship with them. If communication is too hard for you right now, it's fine to take some time before resuming the contact. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water: every connection you maintain provides a wider web of security and love for your children -- and you can use all friends you can gather at this time. Grandparents or aunts and uncles can also be a safe haven for children during the storm of divorce, so allow them that valuable resource when they need it most.

Since these people are your ex's family, be respectful about his or her feelings about the relationship. If your best friend or confidante is also your former in-law, avoid sensitive subjects pertaining to your ex or the divorce. Setting boundaries for yourself, by knowing what you will and won't discuss, can help to alleviate any tension.

Don't rush in

After the initial fallout, a lot needs to be put back together; sometimes you need to put yourself back together before reconnecting with your ex or your in-laws. You may feel broken right now, but the path to wholeness exists if you want to take it. Follow it, and you'll eventually learn how to keep the good in your life, be it a great sister-in-law or just some positive memories about your ex.

Be aware that this process can be very uncomfortable and confronting at times, and it will require a strong commitment to your goals -- whether that be making friends or just making peace with your ex. Personal growth is always uncomfortable, and sometimes downright painful, so don't assume that your discomfort is a sign that something's wrong.

The road to recovery starts with forgiveness. Forgive your ex, and yourself, for the parts you played in contributing to the end of the relationship (especially if your ex left you, you need to identify and "own" your part in the breakup), and give up blame and hatred. Hate can be just as binding as love -- even more so sometimes -- and if you want to be free to move on with your life, you cannot remain bound to the past. So forgive, and begin creating a new life with relationships that will nourish and excite you.

For more articles on relationships, visit http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Relationships

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Posted By Jeffrey Cottrill

Successful Sepfamilies

How to create a happy, functional stepfamily.

By Jeffrey Cottrill

Perhaps you're getting married to someone with children from a previous relationship, or else you have children and are getting remarried. Are you (or your new partner) ready for an instant stepfamily? To make it work, you need to let go of any preconceived notions you may have about the situation -- and make room for adjustment and compromise.

It's not uncommon for at least one of the spouses to have children from a previous marriage, and this can create awkwardness and even upset. Children are often the most affected by a divorce. It's traumatic enough to see their parents break up, but how do they feel about you (or your new partner) suddenly appearing in their lives as a "replacement"?

If you're marrying somebody with kids, it's vital that you understand that the children are a major factor in his or her life -- which makes them one in yours, too. Similarly, if you're a parent marrying a non-parent, keep in mind that your partner is jumping straight from having no children to being a stepmom or stepdad -- an awkward transition at best. And if both of you are parents, you need to find a way to "blend" your respective families.

"The first couple of years are usually chaotic, because the family is reassigning everyone to new roles," says Margorie Engel, MBA, Ph.D., the president of the Stepfamily Association of America. "Everybody's jockeying for position in a new family. The order changes: the baby may no longer be the baby, or the eldest child may no longer be so. Everybody has to figure out where he/she fits." The challenge of a stepfamily is to make order out of chaos: all family members need to learn their respective roles, and to work/play together as a team, if not a family.

Are you ready?

Creating a stepfamily is a huge decision -- much bigger than getting married without dependent kids from earlier relationships -- because of the obvious baggage. It's not enough just to love somebody. You have to make sure your love is strong enough to share your partner's family life -- and even if you're sure, you can't just jump into it without preparation.

More information on children and divorce:
	Helping children cope with divorce A family-friendly approach to resolving child access How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?

Dr. Peter Marshall -- a child psychologist practicing in Barrie, ON and the author of Cinderella Revisited: How to Survive your Stepfamily without a Fairy Godmother -- points out that the relationship with potential stepchildren will be a vital factor in whether your marriage will last. "If you don't want to get involved in parenting, or your partner doesn't, it won't work," he says. "If you want to live with a person, you need to think about whether you want to take responsibility for his or her children. It's very stressful: life gets extremely complicated, and it's not just temporary. Some people are just not ready for it."

Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D., CSW, the president and founder of The Stepfamily Foundation, stresses the necessity of careful consideration. "Keep in mind that two out of three remarriages fail," she says. "Would you take the children on a plane to San Francisco if there was only a 1/3 chance that the plane would work? Prepare very carefully. Marriage takes a lot of work to survive nowadays; stepfamilies take even more." Dr. Lofas suggests premarital counseling to make sure you and your partner really know what you're getting into; a counselor will help you to work out a family plan, or at least to start creating a plan. "Learn how a stepfamily functions," she advises. "The couple has to work out a system for agreement; otherwise there'll be a lot of conflict. Make sure that you agree on the plan, and that the agreement is clear to everybody."

Lillian Messinger, the author of Remarriage: A Family Affair and a pioneer in family counseling in Toronto, has seen problems arise with couples who hadn't taken the children from their previous relationships into consideration before they married. "Too frequently, a remarrying couple hasn't stopped to consider that it's not a honeymoon period -- it's a new type of family," she explains. She suggests that having children and stepparents get to know each other early on, on a gradual basis, will help ease tensions. "The new relationship has to involve the children as it develops -- they should be part of the courtship, and if the kids have any problems, they shouldn't keep them secret. An advance relationship before the marriage is extremely important."

Dr. Engel adds that doing homework on your own might be necessary. "You should look at your own knowledge base for relationships with children," she advises. "Read a good child-development book in order to understand how children develop. Talk to other people in stepfamilies as well." Learning about stepfamilies second-hand is no substitute for experience, but it will help you find your way. "Parenting is a hard job. There's lots of chaos and you're bound to become the 'bad guy' sometimes."

Above all, don't expect it to be easy, or that you and your partner's children will love each other immediately. (Sometimes, in fact, love never arises between stepparents and children -- but mutual respect and liking will take you a long way.) The more prepared you and your partner are, the better you'll be at withstanding the bumps along the way.

An instant family

The most frequent mistake that people make when marrying into stepfamilies is believing that they're like "normal" or nuclear families. Although stepfamilies have become much more common and accepted in recent years, people still fall into the trap of expecting them to run on automatic.

"Most people think that love will instantly appear," notes Dr. Lofas. "They think that a stepfamily will function like a biological family, and they say, 'I'm going to be the new father/mother.' But the kids don't want somebody new; they already have a mother or father. So stepparents need to know what their new roles entail. It's important to know the dynamics absolutely: the parent always feels conflicted in love between the new spouse and the children, and you have to work out how to manage that."

Dr. Engel also debunks the notion that a stepfamily is like a first family. "A stepparent is a support system for the parent," she explains. "Some new stepparents mistake their roles: maybe the woman wants to be the rescuing fairy godmother, or the man wants to make the kids shape up their behavior. But that's not your role -- you're just an assistant. Nevertheless, you're deputized. The other extreme are the stepparents who do nothing because they think they're not in charge. But you have to be the responsible adult when the biological parent isn't there."

Dr. Marshall, who himself lives happily in a stepfamily, believes that the key to surviving the situation is to be realistic. "You have to get rid of any preconceived notions about what a family ought to be," he explains. "Instead, say, 'what kind of family are we going to be?' You must be very flexible and willing to adapt. You never know how close a relationship might become -- you and the stepchildren might just stay polite strangers, for all you know. Don't try to force things into a particular mold. Lots of people live in families in which they don't necessarily 'love' each other, but they make it work."

This doesn't mean your stepchildren won't eventually grow to love you, or that your children won't learn to love your new spouse. But remember that a stepfamily is composed of two different families from separate backgrounds. "A frequent problem is when people want the stepfamily to blend straight away," observes Dr. Marshall. "You have to respect the old family, because the relationships between the natural parent and his or her children are very close. They need time to be the old family as well as the new."

And Messinger points out, "Often, the partners are at different stages of their lives, and have different attitudes towards child-rearing. Too many couples believe in the myth of the 'instant family,' or 'instant love.' It will take time for them to feel like a family. It requires a lot of planning in advance to avoid disappointment."

So don't expect to become the Brady Bunch. "Families don't blend," says Dr. Engel. "They combine, they expand, but they don't blend." So you should figure out what your (or your new partner's) role is, rather than making assumptions.

Set ground rules

So how is your clan going to function? Well, since conventional "family rules" are out, you'll have to make some new ones. Experts say that clear, all-inclusive plans are necessary to make a stepfamily work. Who spends time with whom, and when? What rules apply to everybody; what rules don't? What is everybody's role in the family? What are the budgeting/disciplinary/recreational systems?

"The couple needs to establish ground rules, like a business plan, and both partners have to agree on those rules and schedules," says Dr. Lofas. "A common error is when the couple has no rules at all. But every one of us has internal rules, and if a situation doesn't function as you want, you get uncomfortable. Time should be allotted for the parent and children, and for the couple."

"Communication is so important," stresses Dr. Engel. "It's essential that the couple talk together on how the household will operate. The natural parent should provide the information to his or her own children on house rules, so that it doesn't look like the 'bad stepparent' taking over." You may experience initial -- if not continual -- hostility from your stepchildren if they feel you're trying to replace one of their natural parents. "It's important for your stepchildren to understand that you're not a replacement for the lost parent, but an addition," she says.

Dr. Lofas points out that children may be less than thrilled about their parent marrying someone new. "They've experienced the losses of their original family and one biological parent," she explains. "Stepparents need to know that some of the things kids say are normal. They see themselves as rivals for love: 'who comes first, daddy, the new wife, or me?'"

Some anger, sadness, or acting out is perfectly normal for children of divorce. As a stepparent, you need to stay calm, kind, and adult in the face of outbursts -- and to avoid getting "hooked" by the hurtful things your stepchildren say or do to you. They have a right to their feelings -- but they do not have a right to be verbally or physically abusive to you. "Be very kind to your stepchildren, and validate any feelings they may be having about their parents' divorce, but do not be a doormat," recommends Diana Shepherd, editor of this magazine and stepmother of three. "Make it crystal-clear that you expect to be treated with the same courtesy you extend to them. This is definitely a two-way street: if you're rude to them, you can expect rudeness in return. So establish ground-rules early on about what is -- and what is not -- acceptable behavior."

Shepherd also recommends taking parenting counseling with your partner. "It's really important that you're on the same page in terms of your expectations. Talking to a parent about his/her children can be a delicate matter, and arguments about the kids can cause a rift in your relationship. A parenting counselor can give you objective advice based on years of training and experience. The counselor isn't on your side or your spouse's side: he/she is looking at what's best for the children." This objective advice tends to turn down the heat in discussions about hot-button issues such as discipline.

The biological parent should always be the head disciplinarian, so don't expect to immediately become an authority figure to your partner's children. According to Dr. Marshall, "you can't get too involved with discipline too soon, because that's almost inviting children to say, 'you're not my father/mother! You can't tell me what to do!' You do need to have a measure of authority as an adult, but you have to ease into parenting, developing your role slowly. Children accept their biological parents first because they have met the kids' needs and taken care of them. When the natural parents exercise discipline, it's based on an emotional attachment, an established relationship."

Stepfamily dynamics

"It's important not to diminish the biological, non-residential parent in any way," Messinger says. "The children have a right to that parent's love." Ex-spouses will still be linked to each other via their children -- as will uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents. "You must develop a family plan for a second marriage: think of all the ties the kids have," advises Messinger.

According to Engel, the children might feel like they're being replaced by a stepparent. "Teens may have become more mature in a single-parent family, and had more responsibility looking after things," she says, "but the stepparent may make them feel demoted. When the adult steps in, they might feel as if they've lost power. So the child will strike out, and the circumstance, not the adult, is to blame.

"Understand that the hostility may not be personal," she continues. "The children may feel that they're losing their parent. It's very important to make time for parents to be alone with their own children, to show that they're not abandoned; meanwhile, stepparents should build a history of common interests and create some one-on-one time, too." A common mistake is to assume the family must do everything together, she adds. "Kids need time with friends and their natural relatives. There's no problem with the father going away with his own children on a trip, for example. Everybody can get along by combining and compromising interests."

Don't let either your devotion to your own children or getting to know your spouse's let you forget that you have a new spouse, too. Some stepfamilies sacrifice their marriages for the kids' sake. "There's an old joke that stepparents don't have their honeymoon until the end of the marriage -- when the kids have grown," says Dr. Engel. "You have to nurture the marriage as well. Take a walk after dinner or go to a movie. Or have the children spend time with their non-residential parents on the same weekend, so you have a child-free weekend together." If the marriage is shaky, effective stepparenting will become impossible.

Because there are so many different types of stepfamilies, what works for others won't necessarily work for you. "There simply isn't one model that works in every situation," Dr. Marshall admits. "You can't teach a course in it, like with first-time parenting, because the issues aren't as predictable. There's a world of difference between a stepfamily with one three-year-old and one with four teens from different families." It's your and your spouse's responsibility to write a script for your own situation. If you can't, enlist the help of a counselor -- preferably one who has experience with stepfamilies.

Getting in step

According to Dr. Engel, "Adults all want the same thing: they all want supportive relationships, and they want to rear happy, healthy children. Stepfamilies aren't as big a risk as the media make them out to be. People are trying harder now to work together, much more and much earlier. Typically, it takes a number of years, but they do it."

It takes a great deal of time, adaptability, understanding, patience, and open-mindedness to have a happy stepfamily. Along the way, accept that there are going to be problems and awkwardness. Make a commitment to nurturing your marriage, and to raising happy, well-adjusted kids, and don't be afraid to ask for help -- from your spouse, family, friends, or a professional counselor if necessary. Your goals (a happy marriage and happy kids) are too important to forfeit by suffering in silence.

For more information and advice on being part of a stepfamily, visit the Stepfamily Foundation website at www.stepfamily.org; the Foundation offers worldwide telephone counseling. The Stepfamily Association of America's site -- www.saafamilies.org -- is also very helpful.

For more articles on infidelity and divorce, visit http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Children_and_Divorce

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Posted By Jane Nahirny

Full esteem ahead
Reclaiming your self-esteem after divorce is a critical part of the healing process. Here are some suggestions to help you on your way.
By Jane Nahirny

Marlene was 36 years old and a successful real-estate agent when her spouse of seven years told her he wanted a divorce. An attractive woman who seemed to exude confidence, Marlene had many friends and a fulfilling career; she was well respected in her community and secure (or so she thought) in her marriage. All that changed with her separation and divorce: "It was like the ground had shifted under my feet... I couldn't get my bearings," she remembers. "My self-esteem dipped to an all-time low. I questioned every decision I made, and found it difficult to find happiness in my life. It took time and a lot of hard work to get back to my old self."

Few people even think about their self-esteem until it's threatened by a traumatic life event. Here, divorce takes top marks. Marriage is, for many of us, our single most important commitment; when it ends in divorce, it's hard not to feel that we've failed. During this difficult time, your self-esteem may falter, depending on how much you relied on your spouse -- or the institution of marriage -- for your self-esteem, says M. Chet Mirman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and co-founder of The Center for Divorce Recovery, a Chicago-area psychotherapy center specializing in divorce-related issues. "Everyone goes through a period of pain and sadness during divorce, maybe even depression, when they have that kind of loss," he says. "Some are able to bounce back in less time because they're able to find themselves more quickly."

Low self-esteem is often assumed to be closely associated with poor body image -- but there's more to it than that. "When you ask people about their self-esteem, many will immediately refer to how they feel about their body," says Jeffrey Rossman, Ph.D., a psychologist and the director of the Behavioral Health Department at Canyon Ranch in the Berkshires. "Our bodies are just one part of who we are... Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself -- the positive and the negative. It's complex, because it comprises how you feel about several different facets of yourself: how you feel about your role as a spouse or ex-spouse, a father or mother, a son or daughter, a sibling, a member of the community, a colleague, a friend..."

A healthy sense of self-esteem is having not just a "good" self-opinion, but rather one that is realistic, affirming, and accepting, stresses Dr. Mirman. "It's a little like having a good parent inside your head: someone who can see you for who you are, and who doesn't require you to be the best at everything in order to love you and accept you."

Dr. Rossman agrees: "Simply put, having a healthy sense of self-esteem allows you to feel good about yourself and who you are: to be happy with yourself, to accept yourself. I'm not suggesting, however, being complacent or putting the blame on others in order to be happy with yourself," he adds.

The silver lining

Despite the obvious sense of pain and loss, Dr. Rossman believes that the divorce process can be a "very fertile opportunity" for learning, self-examination, and growth. "When you're married, you see yourself reflected back through the eyes of your partner," he says. "If you have a marriage that ended in divorce, that reflection may not have always been positive." The healing that needs to take place, he says, is to "see yourself as clearly as possible, in a way, to cleanse yourself of whatever distortion may have been coming back to you in that reflection from your ex-spouse."

The difficulty many individuals face is that, while society offers rituals to support grieving when there is a loss through death -- such as visitations, shivas, funerals, wakes, etc. -- there's just not the same sort of social support during divorce. "Rather than let you grieve, friends and family may say things like, 'You're better off without him' -- comments that support your defenses against moving forward," says Dr. Mirman. It's important to recognize that you are entitled to your grief during divorce, he insists. "Know that this is a loss, so when you're feeling badly, you can access that internal parental voice that says, 'It's okay to feel sad now; it'll be alright.'"

Rebuilding self-esteem

Granted -- rebuilding your self-esteem after divorce can be hard work. But possessing a positive sense of self-esteem is critical in life: it frees us from our own inhibitions and self-doubts so we can take action with confidence, live fully and consciously, and grow dimensionally away the pain of divorce. Here are a few suggestions to help you begin the process towards a newer, more confident you.

Recognize that what you're going through is normal. "It's an emotional process," says Dr. Mirman. "The one thing that helps when someone's going through a divorce, when they're feeling really badly about themselves, is if they remind themselves that this is a normal part of the process -- that this too will pass."
Go on living your life as fully as possible while grieving the loss of your marriage, advises Dr. Rossman. "By that, I mean going out to lunch with friends, exercising, getting involved in recreational activities, being really fully engaged with work. Know that the grieving can take place right alongside full engagement with life," he adds. "And try to 'live well': That's a wonderful way to boost your self-esteem. If you treat yourself well, that helps you feel good about yourself."
Calm, subdue, and wrestle those self-punishing thoughts to the ground. In their book, Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D., Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., and Joyce Catlett, M.A. note that: "The critical inner voice is the language of the defended, negative side of your personality; the side that is opposed to your ongoing personal development. The voice is made up of a series of negative thoughts that oppose your best interests and diminish your self-esteem." The authors recommend a course of practical exercises to help you silence your critical inner voice, once and for all -- such as "Exercise 1.1: Visualizing the Real You" and "1.4: A Plan for Action." More specific exercises target particular life areas, including those that establish a link between self-defeating behavior in the workplace and the critical inner voice. With the latter exercises, the authors provide ways for you to improve your work habits and express yourself more positively on the job.

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Posted By Olivia Mellan

Your Money Personality
Do you have a realistic sense of the money attitudes and behaviors you exhibit in your daily life? This article will help you increase your self-awareness as you gain an overview of your present relationship to money (its strengths as well as its weaknesses) and of your money personality in general.

By Olivia Mellan

Most of us have powerful feelings about money. These feelings can make it hard for us to arrive at rational decisions about our money and to keep our relationships harmonious when dealing with money. Some people feel guilty about having too much money; some feel ashamed of not having enough or not making enough. Others are afraid to deal with money at all fearing that it will corrupt them in some way or make them feel inadequate. Still others worry constantly about money, and this worrying affects the quality of their lives -- whether they have enough money or not. And some feel a kind of free-floating anxiety about money but have no idea where it's coming from. It's common for people to harbor a variety of feelings about money at the same time, and even to switch from one set of feelings to another (e.g., worrying and obsessing about money one day and then completely avoiding the issue of money the next day).

Take the
" Money Personality Quiz "
to learn which of the five major money personality types best describes your tendencies.

Just as our feelings about money can vary, so, too, can our behaviors. Some people hoard money; others spend it freely. Some are responsible about attending to daily financial tasks, while others avoid these tasks as much as possible. Certain individuals don't invest their money at all; others invest conservatively; still others take great financial risks. And finally, some people don't fit neatly into these categories and exhibit money behaviors that are contradictory (e.g., acting responsibly for several months and then undermining this behavior by going on an out-of-control spending spree).

Can you articulate your own personal feelings about money? Do you have a realistic sense of the money attitudes and behaviors you exhibit in your daily life? This article will help you increase your self-awareness as you gain an overview of your present relationship to money (its strengths as well as its weaknesses) and of your money personality in general. Doing the work in this article represents an important first step in the journey towards money harmony.

Assessing your strengths and weaknesses

Let's begin by coming up with two lists, one positive and the other negative. On the first list, note two or three areas of your "moneylife" that are a source of pride or pleasure. Here are some typical responses:

I make enough money to live on.
I balance my checkbook regularly.
I'm a generous gift giver.
I have more than $15,000 in savings.

Now identify two or three aspects of your moneylife that cause you discomfort or even shame. Some typical responses might be:

I go on shopping binges periodically.
I procrastinate about paying bills.
I bounce checks from time to time.
I'm in debt.
I have trouble spending money on gifts for myself or loved ones.

I recommend that you keep a record of your responses to these questions -- either in writing or on tape. If you'd rather not write down or tape your responses, at least take the time to think about them.

After you've finished both lists, ask yourself which list was harder for you to produce. Was it the positive list or the negative one? Your answer will determine where you need to concentrate your attention. For example, if you tend to focus on all your negative traits connected with money -- and feel bad about this -- more growth and healing will come from acknowledging your positive qualities for a change. And if you tend to deny your negative traits about money (everyone has them I believe, to some degree), you'll profit from focusing on your negative list.

Money personalities

Aaron, the self-flagellating hoarder.
Many years ago, I gave a workshop in Washington, D.C. One of the participants learned firsthand about the therapeutic value of switching to a new perspective. Aaron was a freelance writer in his sixties who felt incredibly ashamed of being, as he described it, "A stingy, worrywart tightwad" whose wife and two daughters constantly criticized him for these qualities. His negative feelings were so intense that it was impossible for him to make any changes in his relationship to money. But in having to come up with his positive list, he was amazed to find that his hoarding tendency had enabled him to own a house and send both daughters to college on a paltry freelance writer's salary (his wife didn't work outside the home). Seeing his tendency to save money in a new light gave him enough self-esteem to focus on the aspects of his hoarding that were not serving him or his family well.

People can't change when they feel too bad about themselves. Only by validating themselves for their strengths do they have a springboard from which to confront their weaknesses.

Mildred, the spender in denial.
Mildred tended to praise herself for her generosity and to ignore the fact that she was overspending and running up huge credit-card balances. Doing this exercise and focusing on her weaknesses made her uncomfortable initially but gave her an important insight: she realized how out of control her spending had become in the years when she was experiencing marital stress with her husband. She was, for the first time, free to make some changes in her angry, reactive spending habits.

Taking the money personality quiz

Now that you have your baseline -- a general assessment of your current relationship to money -- and you know where you need to do your beginning work, you can move on to the "Money Personality Quiz". By taking this quiz, you will learn which of five major money personality types best describes your tendencies.

Bear in mind that each type has both good qualities and shortcomings, and that most people are in fact a combination of types. There's no need to worry about the outcome. Instead, try having fun with this quiz.

Record the answers on a separate sheet of paper. For each statement, choose the answer that strikes you first as being closest to your tendencies. There is no right answer. Just be as honest with yourself as you can.

1. If $20,000 came to me unexpectedly, my first impulse would be:
A. To spend it on things I really want, including gifts for others.
B. To put it in my savings account.
C. To feel so overwhelmed that I'd put off making decisions about it for quite a while.
D. To invest it in order to make the biggest profits possible.
E. To give most of it away and use it to make the world a better place.

2. When it comes to dealing with my money:
A. I make sure that it never influences my life choices.
B. I enjoy spending it on gifts for myself and others, and on whatever will give me immediate pleasure.
C. I worry about it a lot and strategize how to make more and more of it.
D. I hold on to it and enjoy thinking about the security it provides.
E. I try not to think about it and hope it will take care of itself.

3. My goals about my money are:
A. To save enough of it now so that I never have to worry about my old age.
B. Unclear to me.
C. To have enough of it to ensure that I can buy whatever I want.
D. To have enough to satisfy my basic needs and then give the rest away.
E. To make as much of it as possible, as quickly as possible.

4. When it comes to following a budget:
A. I rework my budget often to figure out ways to have more money to spend and save.
B. I enjoy following mine closely.
C. I take pride in living so simply that I've never needed a budget.
D. I hate the word budget. I prefer spending plan!
E. I don't have a budget and never want one. My money will take care of itself.

5. When it comes to spending money:
A. I hope I'll have enough money to take care of unexpected expenses.
B. I enjoy spending money, as long as I keep accumulating it at the same time.
C. I'd rather save my money than spend it. Spending money makes me nervous.
D. I don't follow where my money goes, and I don't want to. I focus on more important aspects of my life.
E. I love spending money, and I tend to spend more than I earn.

6. I deal with financial record keeping as follows:
A. I keep reworking my records, to figure out ways to make more money or to make my money work better for me.
B. I'm not even sure which records I should be keeping.
C. I enjoy keeping careful records.
D. I keep some records but have trouble organizing them and finding them.
E. I don't keep records. I hate to spend my time this way.

7. When it comes to saving money:
A. I know I ought to be saving money, but I never seem to get around to it.
B. I enjoy saving large amounts of money and spend a lot of time and energy thinking about how to save more.
C. I have trouble saving money, and this bothers me sometimes.
D. I save only for absolute necessities.
E. Saving comes naturally to me. I am regular and consistent about it.

8. This is my attitude toward borrowing money:
A. I try not to borrow money, but when I have, I find it hard to keep track of my progress in paying it back.
B. I try never to borrow money from others.
C. I'm willing to borrow large amounts if it will help me make more, but I worry about amassing debt if the profits don't show up quickly.
D. I've borrowed money quite often, and I'm pretty casual about paying it back.
E. I borrow only for absolute necessities.

9. When it comes to lending money:
A. I'm pretty generous and don't worry too much about when I'll get it back.
B. People tend not to ask me for money. That suits me fine.
C. I wouldn't mind lending money, but people hardly ever ask me.
D. I try never to lend money, but if I do, I expect to be paid back promptly.
E. I don't mind lending money, if I get a good interest rate. I also worry about getting it back on time.

10. As far as credit cards are concerned:
A. I prefer not to have credit cards at all. If I have one, I use it as little as possible.
B. I tend to use credit cards often and make the minimum payment.
C. I don't mind running up large charges, as long as I can pay them off quickly. I think about my credit card bills a lot.
D. I don't take much notice of the status of my credit cards. I often forget to pay even the monthly minimum until I get a warning notice.
E. I have always tended to avoid using credit. I prefer paying by cash or check.

11. When it comes to providing for emergencies:
A. I don't have enough saved to provide for emergencies. I just hope for the best!
B. I have no money set aside for emergencies, and I almost never think about what I would do if something bad were to happen.
C. I keep thinking that I'll have enough to start saving for emergencies soon, but I'm still not quite there!
D. I've put aside a sizable amount for emergencies, but I still worry about them!
E. I try to save regularly for an emergency fund.

12. When it comes to paying my taxes:
A. I scramble to get together some minimal records, just to get the taxes done. I'm always surprised at how much money I owe every year.
B. I save regularly for taxes, and most years I complete my tax return well in advance of the deadline.
C. I hate focusing on taxes and try to get them done with as little fuss as possible.
D. I have trouble saving for taxes and doing my tax return, and I feel strapped every year before the deadline. E. I take pride in having more assets and paying lower taxes every year, if I can.

13. To feel totaly satisfied with my income, this is what I'd need:
A. A few thousand more than I'm making now would be largely sufficient.
B. Increasing my earnings by a large amount every year is what satisfies me -- $50,000 a year more would be nice!
C. I suppose I could always use more money, but I have no idea how much more.
D. I feel pretty satisfied with what I make right now. A big increase would make me feel uncomfortable.
E. At least $10,000 to $20,000 more than I'm making now.

14. When it comes to investing in the stock market:
A. I enjoy investing in the stock market, and I like to diversify to maximize my profits.
B. I don't think about investing very often, but if I did invest, I'd want someone else to make those decisions for me.
C. I choose "safe" and conservative investments.
D. I'm not an expert at investing, but I think it would be fun to invest in more speculative stocks that might offer a high rate of return.
E. I don't think about investing, but if I made any investments, I'd prefer those that were socially responsible.

15. When I want a certain item but it's not within my budget:
A. Either I'll decide I don't really want it, or I'll buy it and figure out how to pay for it later.
B. If I want it, I will buy it. I can always figure out a way to pay for it.
C. I will buy it, whether I can afford it or not.
D. Most of the things I want are not expensive luxury items, so I can afford them. If I do want something outrageous, I may buy it, but the purchase will make me feel very uncomfortable.
E. If the item is important enough to me, I'll figure out how to adjust my budget to afford it. If it isn't that important, I'll forget about it.

16. When I'm feeling down in the dumps, spending money:
A. Is the last thing I would do, putting some more money in savings might lift my spirits.
B. Always cheers me up.
C. Just makes me feel worse. Spending money has nothing to do with happiness.
D. Is not what I think about to cheer myself up.
E. In large amounts, and hatching plans to make more money, makes me feel better.

17. I would take (or have taken) a bank loan under these circumstances:
A. To pay off debts, to go on vacations, or to buy something I really wanted.
B. To finance my education -- maybe. (I've never borrowed money, and I never want to.)
C. To set up or expand a business, or to make an investment that would yield a high return.
D. To make essential repairs or to increase my future security.
E. To deal with medical emergencies or other unforeseen circumstances but not for anything else.

18. I worry about money:
A. Never. I worry about important things!
B. A little bit all the time. But I do all I can to manage it well.
C. Constantly. It's the main thing I worry about!
D. Only when financial crises strike.
E. Not very much. I just enjoy spending it!

19. When I think about providing for my future security:
A. I am quite concerned that I won't have enough money in my future, since it's been so hard for me to save. B. I have such a difficult time thinking about money that all I can do is hope that the future will take care of itself!
C. Since I make sure I have a lot of money at my disposal, the future will probably be fine.
D. Considering how systematic I've been about saving for the future, I feel reasonably confident about it.
E. I don't think about the future in financial terms. I have more important concerns, such as my quality of life in the future.

20. If I won a million dollars in the lottery, my first reaction would be:
A. To feel guilty, thinking about the starving masses who have nothing.
B. To feel shocked, a little overwhelmed, and very relieved that my future was now secure.
C. To be totally overwhelmed -- I would have no idea how to handle it.
D. To be very happy and pleased, and to immediately start thinking about how I could simultaneously make my money grow and use it for my own enjoyment.
E. To be wildly excited, realizing that from now on I could buy anything I wanted!

Now that you've completed the quiz, here's the key to determine which combination of money personality types you tend to be:

H = Hoarder
S = Spender
M = Money Monk
V = Avoider
A = Amasser

Refer to the following list as you score your answers, keeping count of how many H's, S's, M's, V's, and A's you've chosen.

1.	A. = S	B. = H	C. = V	D. = A	E. = M
2.	A. = M	B. = S	C. = A	D. = H	E. = V
3.	A. = H	B. = V	C. = S	D. = M	E. = A
4.	A. = A	B. = H	C. = M	D. = S	E. = V
5.	A. = V	B. = A	C. = H	D. = M	E. = S
6.	A. = A	B. = V	C. = H	D. = S	E. = M
7.	A. = V	B. = A	C. = S	D. = M	E. = H
8.	A. = V	B. = H	C. = A	D. = S	E. = M
9.	A. = S	B. = M	C. = V	D. = H	E. = A
10.	A. = M	B. = S	C. = A	D. = V	E. = H
11.	A. = V	B. = M	C. = S	D. = A	E. = H
12.	A. = V	B. = H	C. = M	D. = S	E. = A
13.	A. = H	B. = A	C. = V	D. = M	E. = S
14.	A. = A	B. = V	C. = H	D. = S	E. = M
15.	A. = V	B. = A	C. = S	D. = M	E. = H
16.	A. = H	B. = S	C. = M	D. = V	E. = A
17.	A. = S	B. = M	C. = A	D. = H	E. = V
18.	A. = M	B. = A	C. = H	D. = V	E. = S
19.	A. = S	B. = V	C. = A	D. = H	E. = M
20.	A. = M	B. = H	C. = V	D. = A	E. = S

Whichever letter (or letters) turns up most frequently in your answers is the one that represents your predominant money personality type (or types).

Brief description of major money types

Hoarder . You enjoy holding on to your money. It may be difficult for you to spend money on luxury items or immediate pleasures for yourself and your loved ones.
Spender . You probably love to use your money to buy whatever will bring you pleasure. You may have a hard time saving, budgeting, and delaying gratification for long-term goals.
Money Monk . You may try to avoid having too much money. You'd feel guilty if a large amount of money came your way unexpectedly.
Avoider . You tend to avoid performing various tasks of everyday money management. You may feel anxious or incompetent about dealing with money.
Amasser . You're likely to be overly concerned with keeping large amounts of money at your disposal to spend, save, and invest. This preoccupation may be having a negative effect on your ability to enjoy your life in the moment.

Assessing your money personality

For now, you need only be concerned with answering the following questions:

Which money type or types are you?
Does your money personality cause you any difficulty in life, either as an individual or in dealing with your partner?
What are one or two things about your relationship to money that you think you might like to change or modify in some way? (When answering this question, note that the changes don't have to be actions or behaviors, they can be feelings or attitudes about money as well.)

Here are some common responses:

I'd like to stop going on shopping binges.
I'd like to start saving for my future.
I'd like to stop worrying about money so much.
I'd like to stop feeling guilty when I buy myself something.
I'd like to stop feeling bad that I don't make more money.
I'd like to stop feeling ashamed/guilty about making too much money.
I'd like to figure out how I sabotage my own attempts to make more money, so I can provide better for myself and my family.
I'd like to stop procrastinating about paying bills and doing my taxes.
I'd like to be more conscious of where I spend my money.

After answering these simple questions about sources of shame guilt, fear, and pride about money, and looking at the tendencies toward imbalance reflected in your money personality, you are ready to begin thinking about actions you can take or attitudes you can adopt to move toward more harmony in your moneylife.

Your first assignment

At least once a week, choose to do one thing that will increase your self-esteem about how you deal with your money. The more concrete your action is, the better. I'll give you some examples of weekly assignments.

For hoarders:
- I will spend $25 or so on some frivolous gift for myself or a friend.
- I will refrain from reworking my budget to see how I can save more money -- in fact, I won't look at my budget once all week, and I'll see how that feels.
For spenders:
- I will put $20 into my savings account.
- I will refrain from going on shopping binges.
For money monks:
- I will buy myself something I've wanted for a while and notice how I feel about that act of "selfish pleasure."
- I will make a list of ways to use money that include giving to others and giving to myself.
For avoiders:
- I will keep track of where I spend my money.
- I will sit down for one two-hour session in which I pay all the bills that are due and balance my checkbook.
For amassers:
- I will spend less than 15 minutes a day checking my investments.
- I will engage in activities that don't involve money at all, such as going to a museum or packing a lunch and eating it in the park.

If you choose to do one of these assignments, remember to reward yourself for this new behavior, and monitor your reactions to it. Give yourself credit for taking your first step on the road to money harmony.

Your next challenge will be to explore your history with money. When you can see how the past impinges on the present, you'll be in a much better position to make improvements for the future.

This article has been edited and excerpted from Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships by Olivia Mellan. A psychotherapist and consultant in the field of money conflict resolution, Mellan shows you how your hidden, intense thoughts and feelings about money may be preventing you from dealing with it effectively -- and causing major stress in your life and relationships. This excellent book offers innovative exercises, dialogues, and other communication techniques to help you make positive changes in how you think about and deal with money, and to communicate more productively with your ex about money matters.

For more articles on financial planning during and after your divorce, visit http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Financial_Planning.

Continue reading "Your Money Personality" »

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Posted By Divorce Lawyer

Working with Your Attorney to Get the Best Results Possible

by John Ventura and Mary Reed

Providing Your Attorney with Essential Information

In order to represent you well in your divorce and to get at all the facts involved, your attorney needs a lot of information, including basic information about your family, marriage, finances, reason(s) for divorce, and so on. Although you probably shared some of this information with your attorney during your initial get-acquainted meeting, when you're actually working together, he or she will need much more.

You provide your attorney with much of the necessary information through one-on-one interviews, by filling out forms, and by providing your attorney with as much backup documentation as you can -- tax returns, credit-card statements, titles to property, insurance policies, lease agreements, phone bills, loan applications, business profit-and-loss statements and balance sheets, records of investments, household budgets, and so on.

Warning: Don't second-guess whether or not your attorney really needs the information that he or she requests. Try to provide everything your attorney asks for, and don't withhold anything because you think the information is unimportant or irrelevant. You can derail your attorney's negotiating strategy or complicate your divorce in other ways by failing to share that information. For example, if you withhold information from your attorney and your spouse's attorney introduces it into evidence during a hearing related to your divorce, you may damage your case. Also, your attorney probably won’t be very happy with you.

If you're not familiar with the details of your family's finances and don't know where your family's legal and financial information is kept -- maybe because pulling it together and reviewing it sounded oh-so-tedious and time-consuming (which it is), you have a lot of work ahead of you. That information is essential to negotiating the terms of your divorce and, if you're unable to provide it to your attorney, he or she will have to use the discovery process to get it, which means that your divorce will cost more.

The following sections provide a rundown of some of the things that your attorney needs to know.

Personal stuff
To help develop a strategy for ending your marriage and to determine what you may be entitled to in your divorce, your attorney needs information on your personal history, your marriage, and your minor children. For those reasons, among others, expect your attorney to question you about

Why you're getting a divorce

Whether you and your spouse are separated

The history of your marriage, including the number of years you've been married, whether any violence occurred in your marriage, and so on

Biographical information about you and your spouse

Your individual health histories, including whether either of you has a history of serious medical or emotional problems

Your minor children, including their ages, where they're living, whether they have special needs (educational, physical, emotional), whether they attend public or private school, and so on

Legal and financial stuff
Your attorney will also spend time studying the details of your finances and reviewing any legal agreements that you and your spouse may have entered into during your marriage. Your attorney will want to know

Whether you have a separation agreement. If you have one, your attorney will want to read the agreement.

Whether you and your spouse own any real estate, including homes, buildings, or land. Be prepared to provide your attorney with the deeds of record to this property and any loan documents related to the property if you owe money on any of it.

Whether you signed a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement.

Whether you or your spouse have done any estate planning, such as writing wills, buying life insurance, or setting up living trusts.

Whether you and your spouse own a closely held business together, have other shared business interests, or own separate businesses.

What assets and debts you and your spouse have from your marriage as well as where you got the money to pay for any of the real property you may own. Real property includes your home and any other homes, buildings, or land that you own.

How much each of you earns annually from all income sources, including salaries, commissions, bonuses, and other employment-related income as well as from trusts, annuities, royalties, rents, and so on.

Whether either of you made any special contributions to one another's career or business. For example, you may have helped finance your spouse's business or worked in the business without pay; your spouse may have supported you through college or graduate school; or you may have used your separate funds to purchase assets for your marriage or to help pay your family's living expenses.

Whether either of you has wasted marital assets by gambling; engaging in phone sex or extramarital affairs; or through an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or even the Internet.

Your current and post-divorce household budgets. In addition, if you filed a fault divorce, the attorney will want you to provide proof of the fault. Conversely, if your spouse filed a fault divorce against you, the attorney will want proof of your innocence.

Other important stuff
Your attorney will ask you questions in order to understand what you expect from your divorce and what you're willing to do or not do to get what you want. Your attorney needs this information not just to help you get a divorce agreement that meets your needs, but also to be certain that your expectations for what you may get from your divorce are realistic. So, you can expect your lawyer to ask you about

Your divorce goals and priorities

Your expectations for your divorce

Why you feel you should receive spousal support, if that's something you want from your divorce

Why you feel the custody arrangement you want is reasonable and why your spouse's desired custody arrangement isn't reasonable, assuming that you and your spouse don't see eye to eye on how to handle the custody of your minor children

Under what, if any, circumstances you are willing to go to trial to get what you want

Using Discovery to Get at the Facts of Your Divorce

Attorneys use the discovery process to help them determine the facts of a case. This process can be informal or formal. If it's informal , you and your spouse, working through your individual attorneys, willingly provide one another the documents and information each of you needs to work out the terms of your divorce. If it's a formal process, depending on what you or the opposing side wants to learn through discovery, the attorneys may use a variety of legal tools (most of which we describe in this section) to get the information they need. These tools include subpoenas, depositions, interrogatories, and motions to produce documents.

Your attorney is apt to rely on informal discovery if

The two attorneys agree in writing to willingly exchange all the information they need to work out the terms of your divorce

Your divorce is amicable

Your attorney is likely to use formal discovery if

Your divorce is contentious

Your attorney has to force your spouse's attorney to provide certain information related to your divorce

Either attorney needs to formally acquire additional information related to your divorce from other sources

The discovery process may take just a short amount of time, especially if the facts of your divorce are clear and undisputed and most of the discovery is informal. However, if your attorney (or your spouse's attorney) uses formal discovery to get at the facts of your case, the discovery process can last many months. The process can last many months because obtaining information through the formal discovery process is time-consuming, and reviewing the requested information can take time. Also, court hearings related to your attorney's discovery requests or the requests of your spouse's attorney may occur as well as other potential complications that may slow down the process.

State By State: In some states, the amount of formal discovery is limited. For example, your attorney may be able to use discovery to get at only the financial facts of your divorce.

Depending on the issues that have to be resolved before your divorce can be finalized, any number of individuals may be involved in the discovery process: you, your spouse, your financial advisors, your business associates, appraisers, your children’s teachers and baby-sitters, mental-health professionals, your friends, relatives, and neighbors -- basically, anyone who may be able to provide information about your marriage, your children, your finances, and so on.

Uncovering the facts with informal discovery
Informal discovery occurs when your attorney asks your spouse's attorney (or vice versa) for financial, legal, medical, or other information and the opposing attorney provides that information voluntarily. The particular types of information your attorney asks for depend on the issues involved in your divorce.

Ideally, most of the discovery in your divorce will be informal because the more frequently either side uses formal discovery, the longer your divorce will take and the more it will cost. For example, in formal discovery, your attorney or your spouse's attorney may have to complete extra paperwork, formulate questions to ask your spouse or others, conduct interviews, and then review and analyze all the information. More hearings take place as well.

Using formal discovery to dig for the details
Formal discovery is most common in divorces involving spouses who are unwilling to cooperate with one another. Depositions, interrogatories, formal requests for the production of documents, and subpoenas are all formal discovery tools. The following list tells you what each of these terms means:

Subpoena: A legal document requiring someone to provide testimony about something or someone at a court hearing or a trial. Anyone who ignores a subpoena faces legal penalties.

Deposition: A statement by a witness, taken out of court and recorded by a court reporter. The witness is under oath. Your spouse's attorney may ask you to be a witness as part of the formal discovery process in your divorce. Others with knowledge related to an issue in your divorce may also be deposed. Although you may wish you didn't have to give a deposition, unless you want to risk being held in contempt of court, you must comply with the request. Your attorney will be by your side during the deposition.

Interrogatories: Written questions prepared by the plaintiff's attorney for the defendant or vice versa in order to obtain information related to an issue that's in dispute in your divorce. Other individuals, such as your family's financial advisor, friends or family members, a business associate of your spouse's, and so on, may also have to respond to an interrogatory.

Notices to produce documents and other information: Your attorney may use these notices to obtain such things as the deed to your home, financial information related to your spouse's business, your spouse's cell-phone records, and so on.

A notice to produce documents is also known as a "request for production of documents and other tangible things."

Even if your divorce is amicable, your attorney may do a limited amount of formal discovery in order to

Narrow the scope of your negotiations by identifying exactly where you and your spouse agree or disagree and the particulars of your agreements and disagreements. The more that you agree on, the less the attorneys have to negotiate or litigate later and the less your divorce costs.

Assess the strengths and weaknesses of your position versus your spouse's.

Assess how well your spouse is likely to perform on the stand if your case goes to trial and your spouse must testify.

Get your spouse to admit to certain facts. If your divorce goes to trial and your spouse provides testimony while on the stand that differs from what he or she said during discovery, your attorney can use the discrepancy to undermine your spouse's credibility.

Using Your Attorney to Work Out the Details of Your Divorce Agreement After your attorney briefs you on key points and legal issues in your divorce, he or she may suggest that you and your spouse work out the terms of your divorce on your own instead of having him or her and your spouse's attorney do that for you (assuming that you and your spouse are communicating with each other). Nailing down the terms of your divorce on your own will save you a considerable amount of money. After you and your spouse complete your negotiations, you draw up your own written divorce agreement and have your attorneys review it. After you have a final divorce agreement, the attorney working for the spouse who initiated the divorce files the agreement with the court so that the court can issue a final divorce judgment, which gives your agreement the force of law. After that task is done, you're officially divorced.

If you and your spouse put your attorneys in charge of drawing up your divorce agreement, your attorneys work together to negotiate the terms of your divorce in consultation with you and your spouse. After they've worked out all the terms of your agreement, the attorney for the spouse who initiated the divorce drafts a final divorce agreement and files it with the court.

Working out an agreement with the help of your attorney
If you're the spouse who filed for divorce, your attorney contacts your spouse's attorney to begin discussing the terms of your divorce. When the attorneys come to an agreement on an issue in your divorce, your attorney sends the other attorney a letter stating what they agreed to; assuming that your spouse's attorney feels that the letter accurately reflects their agreement, the attorneys put that issue aside and move on to another issue.

If your spouse's attorney wants to change anything, he or she calls your attorney to convey the change. Your attorney consults with you by phone before offering anything to your spouse's attorney or accepting anything he or she may offer to you. This back-and-forth process continues until all the issues in your divorce are worked out or until you and your spouse reach a stalemate on one or more issues. If that happens, you and your spouse may agree to use mediation to try to resolve your differences or, worst-case scenario, you have to go to court to resolve the sticking points

Remember: Expect your attorney to consult you throughout his or her negotiations with your spouse's attorney. Do not agree to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, that you don't understand, or that you don't think you can live up to. You're not obligated to agree to anything that you don't like. You can accept or reject something that your spouse's attorney may offer to you through his or her attorney, or you can use the offer as the basis for additional negotiations.

Warning: You may be tempted to threaten your spouse with taking your divorce to trial in order to pressure him or her to give in on certain points that are important to you. But, before you try this tactic, consider which scenario is more likely: You holding your ground and your spouse agreeing to a compromise, or your spouse holding his or her ground and calling your bluff.

After you and your spouse feel that you're close to a final agreement, the attorney representing the spouse who filed for divorce drafts a formal divorce agreement that reflects everything you and your spouse have agreed on for your approval and your spouse's approval.

Evaluating an offer or counteroffer from your spouse
Whenever you receive an offer or counter-offer from your spouse proposing how to resolve one of the issues in your divorce, you must decide whether or not you like it. When you do your evaluating, ask yourself the following questions:

How close is the agreement to what I'm asking for?

Does the offer reflect most, if not all, of my divorce priorities?

Is anything missing from the agreement that's worth the cost and the time involved in continued negotiations?

Is the agreement fair? Is the agreement in my children's best interest?

Can I afford the agreement?

Given what I know now about my legal rights and responsibilities, the value of the marital property that my spouse and I own, and how my divorce is affecting my children, am I likely to get more if I reject the proposal?

Is my spouse likely to make any additional concessions if we continue negotiating?

How much have I already spent on my case, and can I afford to spend any more?

Am I willing to take the offer just to end this protracted and expensive legal process?

Given what I know about the judge and his or her past rulings, am I likely to do better if I go all the way to trial than if I were to accept what my spouse is offering? What is the worst that could happen? (Your attorney should be able to give you a strong sense of how a judge would be likely to rule on your case given your state's laws and guidelines and the past decisions of the judge who's likely to preside over your divorce trial.)

If I really push for whatever is missing, what may I have to give up in order to get it? Is it worth it to me? What are the risks of not settling now?

If I don't settle now, how long will it take for this case to come to trial and how long is the trial likely to last?

Do I not want to settle yet because I'm unhappy with the agreement, because I'm not sure that I can live up to the agreement, or because my emotions are getting in the way?

What kind of financial and emotional toll is not settling likely to take on my children and me? Discuss the pros and cons of whatever agreement you're evaluating with your attorney. Share your thoughts and concerns with him or her and find out what your attorney thinks. Your attorney may tell you that what your spouse has offered is about as good as you're going to get, that you can probably get a few more concessions if you keep negotiating, or that you should not accept what your spouse is offering because it's not in your best interest. In the end, however, it's your call whether to accept the offer or not.

Settling disputes at a settlement conference
If your divorce is very complicated and contentious and you and your spouse both feel as if you have at least the beginnings of an agreement, your attorneys may schedule a settlement conference to try to work out the issues that are unresolved. The settlement conference usually takes place at one of the attorneys' offices and usually occurs after the discovery process is complete. However, the conference can take place whenever you and your spouse are ready to make a deal.

The settlement conference offers your attorneys an opportunity to sit down face to face to hammer out the final specific details of your divorce agreement. You and your spouse may or may not participate. Before the settlement conference, you should talk with your attorney about whether you should attend. It may or may not be in your best interest if your divorce is contentious or if you have a hard time keeping your emotions under control. But you may want to be there so that you can hear everything that's said at the settlement conference and so that you can provide your attorney with immediate feedback.

A successful settlement conference involves some old-fashioned horse-trading. So, if you haven't been clear with your attorney about your divorce priorities and what you're willing to give up to get them, your attorney will not be able to bargain effectively for you.

Don't get impatient with all the back-and-forth negotiations. Getting all the terms of your divorce agreement just right is essential because, after you and your spouse sign it and file it with the court, the agreement becomes a legally binding contract, which means that you must live up to what it says, like it or not.

If you and your spouse simply cannot agree on something, no matter how hard your attorneys try to craft a mutually acceptable compromise, they may recommend mediation or even arbitration. If you don't want to give these options a try and you don't want to keep negotiating, either, your only other option -- assuming that you and your spouse still want to get divorced -- is to have your case tried in court.

Making a deal: The final settlement
After you and your spouse have a final divorce agreement (or final settlement agreement) detailing the terms of your divorce, your lawyer or your spouse's lawyer drafts a formal document stating everything you agreed to. The final agreement includes a lot of standard provisions and boilerplate language -- stuff that's in every settlement agreement. Whichever attorney does the drafting submits the agreement to the other attorney for review. The other attorney may make some minor tweaks to the agreement but, at this point, no substantive changes should occur.

After you sign the settlement agreement, depending on your state, you and your spouse (or just one of you) may have to appear at a court hearing in order to have a judge officially dissolve your marriage. In other states, a hearing takes place only if your divorce is a fault divorce. If a hearing is scheduled, it's more of a formality than anything else, and it won't last long. Your attorney will attend the hearing with you.

Concluding Your Divorce: Filing the Divorce Decree

After your attorney (or your spouse's attorney) submits your final divorce settlement agreement to the judge, the court reviews its terms. Then, the judge signs your divorce decree (a final judgment of divorce).

State by State: Some states allow judges to modify negotiated settlement agreements. Others allow judges to only accept or reject an agreement. If the judge rejects your agreement, you can go back to the drawing board to work out a new, more acceptable one. A judge may reject your agreement because he or she doesn't think it's fair to one or both of you, because it's unenforceable or violates your state's laws, or because it isn't in the best interests of your minor children, among other reasons.

After the judge approves or modifies your settlement, he or she returns your divorce decree to your attorney who, in turn, forwards the decree to your spouse's attorney. At that point, you and your spouse have a certain amount of time to review and, if necessary, appeal the court's judgment (usually ten days).

Realistically, unless you have a last-minute change of heart or unless the judge makes changes to your divorce agreement that you don't like, an immediate appeal is unlikely. However, you or your spouse may try to get something changed later after you've had a chance to live with the agreement and have identified problems with it or if changes occur that merit a modification.

You and your spouse become officially divorced when the judge signs your divorce decree or judgment of divorce and enters it together with your final settlement agreement into the court records.

Tip: Keep a copy of your final settlement agreement and your divorce decree in a safe place. You may need it if you have to prove that you're divorced, if any questions arise about what you and your spouse agreed to, or if you want to change something in your divorce agreement later.

John Ventura is a bestselling author, attorney, and a national authority on consumer financial and legal problems. Mary Reed is the founder of Mary Reed Public Relations. This article has been edited and excerpted from their book Divorce for Dummies (Second Edition, Wiley Publishing, @ 2005). This material is used by permission of John Wiley & Sons, Inc. The book is available at Amazon.com or www.wiley.com .

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Posted By Pasadena Family Lawyer

You've already met with your family lawyer in Pasadena. You've gotten rid of her floral print love seat. You've moved into a respectable single man's apartment. You've gotten a new wardrobe. So when is it time to start dating again?

According to psychologists Sam Buser and Glen Sternes, authors of the book The Guys-Only Guide to Getting Over Divorce and on with Life, Sex and Relationships, men have to look at themselves first before they start dating again. Buser and Sternes recommend the same type of self-investigation process that women traditionally go through after a break-up. The pair says it is essential that a man be "truly over her" before running to the arms of another woman. The impulse, the doctors say, is for men to hop into a relationship before actually looking at what went wrong in their previous marriage.

"Divorce is one of the most painful experiences in our lives," Buser says. "And the natural instinct is to look to women as an antidote." Instead, Buser and Sternes advise that men ask themselves a series of honest questions to determine if they are ready to start dating or not. Questions like, "Have you stopped being pre-occupied with thoughts of your previous marriage or divorce" are included in the book to help men to address their emotional issues honestly.

Another issue facing newly-divorced men facing the dating scene is fear. Clinical psychologist Michael S. Broder says that fear keeps men and women alike from re-entering the dating world. "It can be fear of being hurt, rejected or involved, and it can stem from a history of having been hurt or of traumatic relationships," says Broder. He agrees with Buser and Sternes that looking inward can help conquer fear as well as foster a healthy dating life. Seeking out a support group or relying on male friends who have been divorced is a good way for newly-single men to sound off about their dating concerns. An open dialogue with others will help erase some of the fear and anxiety that often surrounds dating.

Lastly, when dating, Buser and Sternes tell guys to stay true to who they are, adding that "Being yourself means taking a little time to get to know yourself."

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Posted By Divorce Attorney

Many times when people are seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, they are also wondering how to file a restraining order. We see couples in the news like Mel Gibson and ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva file dueling restraining orders. We hear about everyone from Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa to reality TV star Jack Osbourne filing restraining orders against harassing parties. Yet what do we actually know about restraining orders and how to file them?

First off, when should we file a restraining order? According to the LAPD's website, restraining orders are there to protect victims of civil and domestic abuse and/or violence -- so people who feel threatened or fear that abuse will continue should file restraining orders right away. On the other side of this, restraining orders shouldn't be filed simply out of spite or revenge. In California, restraining orders are reviewed carefully and judges do not look favorably on restraining orders that are a waste of time.

Next, which type of restraining order needs to be filed? There are several different types of restraining orders that an individual can file. A Civil Harassment Restraining Order is used to prevent harassment from neighbors, coworkers or other acquaintances, while a Domestic Violence Protective Restraining Order is a temporary measure that protects applicants for three weeks up to three years. Criminal Protective Orders, on the other hand, must be issued by a California District Attorney and pertain exclusively to active domestic violence cases. Finally, Emergency Protective Orders are issued by law enforcement agents and valid up to five days. Talk to your family attorney in Pasadena to figure out which kind of restraining order may be right for you.

What happens after the restraining order has been filed? Again, the point of restraining orders is to provide peace for the person who filed; legally, contact from the harassing party must stop immediately. Violation of a restraining order can mean jail time or further legal action from law enforcement. Communication after restraining orders have been filed is key. Letting close friends, your attorney, your family and, most importantly, the police, know if the respondent has contacted you is vital.

In the end, restraining orders aren't just juicy topics for tabloid fodder. They are a last resort legal action to be taken quiet seriously. If a you are being harassed, contact a family attorney in Pasadena to see if you need to file a restraining order.

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Posted By Divorce Lawyer

Supermodel Stephanie Seymour has been in the business of being beautiful since her days as a Victoria's Secret model in the late '80s and '90s. But her current role as a divorcing Connecticut housewife is far from pretty. Seymour and her estranged husband, billionaire paper mill mogul Peter Brant, appeared at a state Superior Court in Stamford on Monday for a pre-trial hearing. This bitter and dramatic divorce is not unlike those seen by the toughest family lawyers in Pasadena.

The hearing was the result of a Seymour missing a mandatory drug test while she was vacationing in St. Bart's with her two children. The model was in danger of being held in contempt of court for missing the drug test and could be slapped with a "no alcohol" ruling by the judge depending on those results. Both Seymour and Brant took the stand to discuss custody rights but each revealed a fierce battle for loyalty from nannies and other staff members.

Brant claims that Seymour violated court orders by letting the children stay with nannies, friends and relatives instead of asking him first. What's more, Brant accused Seymour of intimidating their nannies and forcing them to take her side. Seymour, on the other hand, says that Brant used staff members as spies. Cora Driv, a babysitter for the family, took note of household activities and reported the details back to Brant. Driv allegedly quit working in Seymour's household only to resurface as an employee of Brant's a short time later.

All the finger pointing and cloak-and-dagger in this case boils down to one thing: money. Last fall, Brant was ordered by a court to fork over $270,000 a month to Seymour in child support and alimony. Brant, according to divorce records, pulled in a staggering $1.5 million a month in 2009. Stephanie Seymour and Peter Brant were married in 1995; Seymour filed for divorce last year.

Continue reading "Supermodel's Divorce Gets Ugly" »

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Posted By Family Lawyer

As family lawyers, we see a lot of twists and turns both in and out of Pasadena courts. We like to say that nothing surprises us anymore. But we never thought we'd see Jeremy London, star of family-friendly TV hits like Seventh Heaven and Party of Five, involved in a drama that started with a divorce and ended with a kidnapping and crack smoking. Yet as more details emerge, it is clear that London's life has taken a considerably darker turn since his days as a teen idol. Many close to London cite a bitter custody battle and divorce from wife Melissa Cunningham as reasons for his strange behavior.

Last week, the actor allegedly was trying to change a flat tire outside of a hotel room in Palm Springs when two men stopped him and asked if he needed help. They two men did help London change his tire and in return he offered them a ride home. London says the two men then kidnapped him and for the next 12 hours held him at gunpoint, forcing him to smoke crack and hand out alcohol in a neighborhood riddled with gangs. Making the situation particularly awful is that London is a recovering drug addict who entered rehab last year. He was arrested in 2004 on drug possession charges. London escaped at 2 a.m. and called the police, where he was held for questioning. London's family, including his twin brother, Jason, are now saying that they believe Jeremy's story to be a lie and they are concerned that the actor has started using drugs again. The family notes that since his custody battle began over son Lyric, Jeremy's mood has taken a turn for the worse. Jeremy and Melissa met in 2000 while she was auditioning for a role in a film in which he was the star. The pair wed in 2006 and separated in 2008, noting that the actor's drug problems were the cause of the break-up.

London has made several recent statements insisting that the events that he says took place on June 10th were in fact real and that his family's lives were threatened. He also states that he is no longer in contact with his mother or brother and has taken legal action to stop them from speaking to the press. His custody battle is set to return to family court later this summer.

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