Recent Blog Posts in November 2010

Divorce attorneys in Pasadena often call on testimony from the object of a spouse’s affair and many times what comes out of the lover’s mouths is shocking and highly inflammatory. So when former American Idol winner Fantasia testified at the divorce trial of Antwaun and Paula Cook, celebrity gossip watchers were expecting juicy drama — but no one anticipated what the actress/singer would reveal under oath.

Last Monday, Fantasia appeared in a Charlotte, North Carolina, courtroom. Although no reporters were allowed inside, sources informed CNN that Fantasia testified that she had been pregnant with Cook’s child but got an abortion shortly before her attempted suicide last August. The singer also testified that she in fact did known that Antwaun was married from the beginning of their relationship. However, she also testified that she believed for the majority of their relationship that Paula and Antwaun Cook were separated.

Legal problems for the singer started a few months ago when Fantasia was named in papers filed by Paula Cook as the cause of the couples’ divorce. Fantasia and her legal team have denied the affair with Antwaun Cook for months until the singer met with Paula Cook last month in an attempt to settle out of court. Fantasia has claimed until very recently that she did not know that Antwaun Cook was married when she became romantically involved with him. Paula Cook reportedly turned down $100,000 from the R&B star. Paula is considering moving forward ahead with plans to sue Fantasia for “Alienation of Affection,” the law recognized in North Carolina and six other states which allows an ex to sue a third party if his or her spouse exits the marriage for another person.

Family lawyers in Pasadena have witnessed changes in the way stepfamilies have evolved. Long gone are the “Brady Bunch” blended families of yesteryear. Instead, today’s blended families are choosing different approaches to the age-old stepmother and stepfather issues.

According to a recent piece in The New York Times, couples are finding new ways to stay together without blending their families completely. Partial blenders, for example, are couples with children who only live part-time together. Living Apart Togethers or L.A.T.s, on the other hand, are couples that maintain separate residences in an attempt to give children a sense of normalcy.

Sociologist Susan Stewart, who studies the changes in families over time, notes that new solutions for blended families were bound to happen.

“The complexity of families is the real story,” Stewart says. “Family life is not what it was. The divorce rate has been high and stable since the 1980s. The majority of these people go on to marry or cohabit. Then there’s the change in custody patterns, with more and more fathers desiring more time with their children, if not full or shared custody. The traditional family — the married couple/biological children family — is in the minority.”

Stewart also says that another reason the traditional blended family is out of date is because most divorced women have careers and money of their own, making the need to remarry less urgent than it once was. Psychologists like Patricia Papernow point out that sometimes separate residences can help children avoid tough emotional adjustments. The battles between stepchildren and stepparents, in addition to the often-traumatic relocation ramifications, can be solved if parents of blended families look for new ways to be together, Papernow notes.

“We have to think outside the box,” she adds. “If you have to live in two boxes instead of one, that’s a much better solution than shoving everyone together in one box.”

Here’s an interesting study deserving of attention from divorce attorneys in Pasadena and doctors alike: Children of divorce are more than twice as likely to suffer a stroke at some point in their lives. While psychologists and therapists long have speculated about the emotional damage caused to children of divorce, new research from the University of Toronto suggests that divorce can actually impact the physical wellbeing of children, too.

Conducted by professor Esme Fuller Thompson of the University of Toronto along with graduate students Angela Dalton and Rukshan Mehta, the study made headlines with the shocking claim that children of divorce are at high risk to experience a stroke. While the study doesn’t conclusively prove that a parents’ divorce will cause strokes in their children, it does link the health condition with marital collapse. According to the study, kids of divorce had twice the odds of stroke compared to people of the same age who grew up with parents who stayed together.

"We were very surprised that the association between parental divorce and stroke remained so strong even after we had adjusted for smoking, obesity, exercise and alcohol consumption," says Fuller Thompson.

Fuller Thompson and her colleagues presented their findings at the Gerontological Society of America annual meeting in New Orleans on November 22. The study also looked at income, education, race, sex, diabetes and other variables. Yet even with the other components, the association between the two was extremely high. Of the more than 10 percent of the 13,134 total study respondents whom had experienced parental divorce as children, 1.9 percent reported they had been diagnosed with a stroke at some point in their lives.

Yet Fuller Thompson says there is more research to be done to conclusively link strokes and children of divorce.

"Research on childhood poverty and on childhood abuse suggests that severe and chronic stress in childhood can adversely impact the way that child will physiologically respond to the stressors they face across the whole life course," says Thompson Fuller. "Hopefully future research could shed some light on what role, if any, cortisol (the fight-or-flight hormone we produce when stressed) plays in the parental divorce-stroke association."

When looking for divorce advice in Pasadena, it is easy to forget that you are not alone. In fact, thousands of men and women get divorced in this country every year. But exactly how many are actually divorcing and what is the real divorce rate? Robert Hughes, a professor of Human Development at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign set out to answer these questions and found out that our methods of measuring divorce aren’t very accurate.

Hughes says finding out the exact divorce rate in this country is difficult primarily because of the methods we use. The National Center on Health Statistics has been measuring the divorce rate since 1867 by reporting cases of divorce per 1000 members of the population. The problem with the crude divorce rate, however, is the number becomes diluted by including single adults and children. The National Center for Health Statistics’ estimates the divorce rate is 3.5 but given the actual number of people included in the survey, Hughes says the actual number is most likely double that figure. “Because of the reporting problems with the crude divorce rate, the US Census Bureau began conducting the American Community Survey in order to get a better estimate of the divorce rate. Their estimate of the crude divorce rate in 2008 was 8.5 divorces per 1000 members of the US population. This number suggests that the divorce rate overall may be twice as large as the estimates by the National Center for Health Statistics.”

Instead of the crude divorce rate, Hughes says the actual secret to what our country’s divorce rate is lies in the number of divorces per married people over the age of 15. Yet coming up with this number is a difficult task according to Hughes. But he says the American Community Survey by the US Census Bureau is the most accurate way to uncover the real divorce rate.

Divorce attorneys in Pasadena have seen pretty much everything, and Eva Longoria, in character as Gabrielle Solis on Desperate Housewives, has seen her share of juicy secrets and scandalous marital trysts. Yet nothing the actress has seen on her hit show could have prepared her for the relationship drama she’s currently embroiled in with her estranged husband, NBA superstar Tony Parker.

After discovering hundreds of sexy text messages to another woman, Longoria is said to have ambushed Parker by filing surprise divorce papers in a Los Angeles County court last week. Still, according to insiders, problems for the couple have been brewing for months.

Host of television celebrity magazine show Extra, Mario Lopez, who is also a long-time friend of Longoria, says Parker had a history of infidelity in the couple’s three-year marriage. Lopez says Parker kept in touch with a woman who he had an affair with earlier in their marriage on Facebook. But the straw that broke the camel’s back appears to be a series of sexual innuendo-laden text messages Parker sent to Erin Barry, the wife of his former San Antonio Spurs teammate Brent Barry. Parker has since admitted to texting Barry but claims he never had a sexual relationship with her. Parker’s camp also claims that the NBA star knew about the divorce and wasn’t blindsided by the papers like many celebrity websites are reporting. Other sites are reporting Longoria is retaliating against her ex’s actions by requesting spousal support and by leaking the details of their marriage to the press.

For all the current ugliness, it’s easy to forget to Longoria and Parker’s glamorous beginnings. The pair often was seen drenched in diamonds and designer clothes on the red carpet, and their fairy tale wedding in Paris was the stuff of celebrity fantasy. The pair was married on July 7, 2007, after dating for nearly three years. This is the second divorce for Longoria, who was previously married to General Hospital star Tyler Christopher, and the first for Parker.

Family lawyers in Pasadena know there are a lot of misconceptions about divorce — and so does Vicki Iovine. Iovine is the author of the Girlfriend’s Guide series of books, which covers everything from party planning to tips on how to raise toddlers. When her marriage of 24 years ended, Iovine had to become an expert on divorce too. Now nearly two years after she and her husband divorced, she recently published the 10 biggest misconceptions about divorce in The Huffington Post’s newly-launched divorce section.

According to Iovine, one of the biggest misconceptions about divorce is that people who grow apart don’t get divorced. Iovine says couples who’ve grown apart get divorced just as much as other couples and points to some very famous examples. “Studies show that people who no longer have a mutual and shared purpose, such as raising children, building a career, a satisfying sex life or shared goal for the future drift from each other,” she notes. “Long after the multi-orgasmic years had passed, Marie and Pierre Curie stayed married through their mutual interest in physics. Same thing with the philosophy giants Will and Ariel Durant. But if a couple’s only mutual purpose is to co-sign for a second mortgage or to carry the new flatscreen together into the living room, there might not be enough passion or emotional glue for the long haul.”

Another big misconception about divorce, according to Iovine, is that divorcing people think an aggressive divorce attorney will hurt their case. Iovine contends, however, that when it comes to protecting yourself financially a lawyer can never be too tough. “A meek lawyer doesn’t make you look less greedy or grasping to an opposing spouse, nor does he/she inspire a conciliatory mood for the sweet and generous dividing of assets,” Iovine writes. “Weak representatives just make YOU look weak. Where money is concerned, assume your mate will fight hard, as should you. No one ever looked back on a financial split and said, ‘Gosh, I wish I’d asked for less.’”

Other misconceptions of Iovine’s list include an eternity of singlehood being inevitable after a divorce, kids accepting a divorce if they understand the reasons why and the assumption that everyone will take your side if you are the injured party in a divorce.

Oh, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. It was a match first made in teen pop music heaven and then immortalized on reality television. Fans of the singing sensations, gossip columnists and divorce attorneys in Pasadena were all shocked when the couple divorced after three years of marriage. Now, five years later, Lachey and Simpson are both ready to walk down the aisle again — just not with one another.

Call it a coincidence or call it celebrity exes still in sync, but it was hard not to compare the respective engagements of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey when they were announced last week. From disastrous and public relationships with football player Tony Roma and musician John Mayer, Jessica Simpson has certainly been on the love rollercoaster since she and Lachey parted ways in 2005. Apparently Simpson met her prince charming last May in NFL player Eric Johnson. The couple announced they were engaged over the weekend as Johnson reportedly gave Simpson a massive ruby and diamond Neil Lane engagement ring.

Over at Team Lachey, his engagement to Vanessa Minnillo had been a few years longer in the making. Minnillo, an actress seen on series likepsych, CSI: NY, and How I Met Your Mother, started dating Lachey several years ago after she met him on the set of his music video. The pair broke up in 2009 but got back together later that year. Since then, Minnillo and Lachey have been inseparable. As to what took the couple so long to get engaged, Lachey tells People magazine "all things have their appropriate time. We're still basking in the glow of our very recent engagement and enjoying that. I'm sure we'll get on with the planning and what-not shortly, but we're just enjoying this experience."

While neither Lachey nor Simpson has had much success in the musical arena over the last decade, the two stars remain busy. Lachey returns as the host of NBC’s The Sing-Off on December 6 while Simpson is busy promoting her new album of holiday songs entitled Happy Christmas.

Country music and television star Billy Ray Cyrus, like many folks seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, isn’t talking about his divorce. When word hit late last month of his divorce to his wife of seventeen years, Tish Cyrus, the blogs were ignited with speculation as to why the long-term couple had broken up. But Cyrus himself isn’t saying a word about the divorce, even as rumors of a high-profile affair swirl about the couple.

Cyrus, who is known to a certain generation as the real-life and television father to teen sensation Miley Cyrus, recently stormed out of a radio interview when the host asked him questions about his divorce. The 49-year-old singer made a standard promotional appearance on WCOL’s “Woody and the Wakeup Call” last week. Things on the morning show were status quo until the host Woody Johnson asked Cyrus about his divorce. Cyrus then got uncomfortable and told the host “Oh, man. You know what bud? Woody Johnson. Woody Johnson. God bless America, God bless our troops. Woody Johnson, look at you." He then said the question was “very rude” before exiting the studio. Johnson tried to apologize but Cyrus had already gotten up and headed for the door. Cyrus also avoided reporters a few days earlier when he walked the red carpet at the Country Music Awards. The behavior is unusual for Cyrus, who is usually chatty with the media.

So what gives? It could be he’s avoiding the question that is on everybody’s mind. Since the pair announced their divorce on October 26^th, allegations of an affair between Tish Cyrus and Poison lead singer Bret Michaels have circulated the Internet. While both Tish and Bret have publicly denied the affair, Billy Ray has been uncharacteristically silent on the topic. According to Us Weekly, Michaels and Cyrus had an affair last spring after Bret recorded a song with Miley. Several sources close to the couple have come forward claiming that Tish and Bret’s relationship started as professional and turned into something personal.

Michaels, who currently is promoting yet another new reality show for VH1, has addressed the rumors in several interviews. He toldPeople magazine the relationship was strictly professional when he recorded with Miley.

"When I was in the studio, Miley came in and sang on my song … and that was it," he said.

Divorce attorneys in Pasadena know that even in the best situations, the holidays often are a stressful time of year. Between juggling schedules, coordinating holiday travel, planning dinners and attending your child’s holiday performances, there are plenty of opportunities for dramatic interaction with your ex-spouse. But with a bit of planning ahead, some evolved methods of communication and a lot of deep breathing, a happy holiday season can be easier than you think.

The first rule of holiday harmony for divorced families is to plan ahead. A parenting schedule and set of expectations should be established long before you start trimming the tree. Coordinate with your ex several weeks in advance to avoid last minute snafus and unnecessary pressure. Having a clear agreement in writing which states what parent gets the children on what holiday eliminates uncertainty and confusion. Planning ahead with your ex about gift giving is key, too. By dividing the Santa lists amongst you and your ex, the kids are less likely to be disappointed on the big day. Planning all of this in advance will give you more time to actually enjoy yourself, as well.

Next, the biggest thing we can do for our families and children during the holidays is to let bygones be bygones. While this is next to impossible in highly-toxic relationships with exes, an attempt should nevertheless be made to achieve peace — even it if is only for a short period of time. Picking your battles or choosing not to fight at all during the holiday season will help you sleep better at night, too. Not engaging in bickering or jealousy are two big things a parent can do that simply require some maturity.

Lastly, take time for yourself. Divorced parents need to care for themselves so things like an extra yoga class, a movie with friends or a long walk can provide a bit of serenity amidst the holiday chaos. Sure, in these times peace on Earth seems like a tall order, but a little inner peace can be beneficial for those around you as well.

When seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, just remember healing from a divorce can take a long time. Feeling better doesn’t happen overnight; it takes quite some time to get our lives back to normal. Just ask former tennis superstar Chris Evert. Although she may have won 18 Grand Slam singles championships, Evert recently told People magazine getting over her divorce to pro golfer Greg Norman was one of the most difficult tasks she’s ever encountered.

Married in 2008, the sports world super couple spent most of their marriage traveling the globe. The intense travel schedule took the usually attentive parent Evert away from spending time with her three sons from a previous marriage. Norman and Evert clashed over the amount of time needed to be spent on the road for his busy golf schedule, causing their 15-month marriage to end in December 2009.

“There was a lot of tension between Chris and Greg because she spent so much time traveling with him during the marriage that she was not home enough with her three teenage sons,” a source close to the couple told People magazine.

After months of separation, Evert and Norman finalized their divorce in December at the Monroe courthouse in Key West, Florida.

Over the past year, Evert has spent time reconnecting with her children and getting back to her love of parenting.

"I was traveling a lot and just not around. My kids are dynamos and needed their mom,” the athlete told People last week.

Evert and her sons Alexander, 19, Nicholas, 16, and Colton, 14, spent the summer in Aspen together, a time she calls “healing.”

"My kids are great, and they have their mom back," Evert says.

Today, Evert remains committed to her children and has even re-established a great parenting relationship with her other ex-husband Andy Mill, a former Olympic downhill ski champion.

Call it divorce scandal déjà vu, but divorce attorneys in Pasadena and gossip columnists alike feel like they’ve lived through Brett Favre’s recent infidelity allegations before. The lewd text messages sent to a would-be mistress, a stoic wife now avoiding the press and a sports superstar under the microscope all bring back not-so-fond memories of the Tiger and Elin Woods marital debacle of 2009. With an investigation by the National Football League underway, football fans are wondering if Brett Favre is destined for a Tiger-like flameout.

The 41-year-old Favre, who plays quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, often is on the receiving end of hits from sports journalists who proclaim the star is over-the-hill and overpaid. But generally, Favre has been portrayed in the press as a devoted husband and family man. That image was blown out of the water last month when Jenn Sterger, a former Playboy model who had professional contact with Favre during her stint as a promotional correspondent for the New York Jets, claimed the athlete had aggressively pursued her. Sterger told friends that Favre had bombarded her with suggestive text messages and pictures of his genitals. Days after the news broke of the Sterger and Favre scandal, another woman came forward and accused Favre of sending her similar text messages and photos.

By the end of October, Favre had admitted he did in fact leave Sterger several messages but denied sending photos. Since both Sterger and Favre were employees of the NFL at the time of the allegations, the organization has opened an investigation. The NFL hopes to speak to Sterger to determine how Favre got her phone number and how long the interaction lasted. However, Sterger has all but vanished from sight and has denied interview requests with the NFL.

Meanwhile, Favre’s wife Deanna refused to go into details of the scandal when she was recently interviewed byGood Morning America. In her 2007 autobiography, Deanna Favre admitted that she caught her husband red-handed talking to other women on the phone and that she was worried her husband would be unfaithful.

Family lawyers in Pasadena have championed the benefits of co-parenting in divorced couples for years. If both parties are cooperative, respectful and flexible, co-parenting can be a great way for children of divorce to receive full attention and care from both of their parents. However, achieving harmony in co-parenting is especially difficult when an ex-spouse is verbally or physically abusive. According to experts, co-parenting with an abusive ex could be a bad idea — one that may open up a whole new set of problems.

The decision to co-parent in abusive relationships, according to a study from the University of Illinois, often is reached because of fear, economic insecurity and guilt.

“Fear was very important in the women’s decisions to leave, but guilt over breaking up the family was more influential in making custody decisions,” Jennifer Hardesty, who co-authored the study, says.

Therefore, many women who should have sought full custody find themselves continuing the cycle of abuse by agreeing to co-parent with an ex, experts say. Co-parenting101.org, a website devoted to helping divorcing couples find peaceful parenting solutions, says turning a blind eye to an abusive ex can be dangerous to the children left in their care.

“Let us be clear: Co-parenting successfully after divorce is best for kids, but no parent should feel compelled to support their child’s relationship with the other parent at the expense of their own or the child’s safety,” the site says. “To succeed, a co-parenting relationship must be founded on mutual respect, not fear, and both parties must place the needs of the child first. By definition, then, successful co-parenting must be free of abuse of any kind.”

In the end, an otherwise emotionally mature decision to co-parent may not be the wisest decision when dealing with an abusive ex, according to Hardesty.

“So many people think that leaving the abuser means the end of the abuse; when children and custody arrangements are involved, that is often not the case,” she adds.

Before agreeing to co-parent, honest and open discussions with family lawyers and therapists should be conducted first. If you or someone you know needs help finding custody solutions with an abusive ex, please contact us today.

“How much do we tell our kids about the divorce?” is a common questionfamily lawyers in Pasadena and therapists alike hear all the time. On one hand, parents want to encourage an open and honest dialogue with kids in hopes of reducing feelings of confusion surrounding the divorce. On the other hand, parents who share all the intimate details of the break-up run the risk of landing their child in the middle of emotional terrain they unlikely are able to process. So how much is too much when we talk to kids about divorce?

Writer Stephanie Thompson caused a firestorm of criticism last month when she openly shared intimate details of pondering a divorce from her husband with her young sons and then published the whole affair in a much-debated essay. Thompson contends she was simply being honest with her kids about the reality of her marriage, while readers contended she was guilty of oversharing a problem that should have kept private.

Dr. Jenn Berman, a Los Angeles-based child and family therapist, agrees with the readers.

“The No. 1 priority (of parents should be) to protect a child from the specifics,” says Berman. She suggests that parents take a cue from Hollywood publicists and stick to a well-polished press release when talking to their kids about divorce. Details of infidelity, financial problems or other sticky emotional topics should be avoided when telling children about divorce. Instead of the particulars, Berman recommends repeating phrases to the child like “We still love each other and will always work together as your parents."

HelpGuide.org, a website started by therapists devoted to helping readers with emotional problems, recommends being honest with children in a concise way.

“Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them,” the site’s authors say. “Pick something simple and honest, like ‘We can’t get along anymore.’”

Berman agrees and notes too many details could cause your kids problems at school, with friends and at home.

The rule of thumb for all divorcing parents should be talking to children with love. Helpguide.org stresses that saying “I love you” is more important than oversharing every facet of your marriage.

“However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message,” according to the site. “Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework.”

It’s an old country song that music lovers and divorce attorneys in Pasadena alike are way too familiar with. In said sad ballad, the country singer loses the house, the job, the dog and the wife. While Grammy winner Randy Travis and his fellow divorcing country music star colleague Billy Ray Cyrus are unlikely to lose it all, they have both certainly lost the wife. Last week, Travis announced he and his long-term manager and wife of 19 years were officially divorced. The news came on heels of Cyrus’ news that he and his wife also are breaking up.

After nearly 20 years of marriage, the 51-year-old Travis and his manager/wife Elizabeth “Lib” Travis released a statement saying their divorce had been finalized late last week. Without an official mention of separation or whispers of a breakup, the Travises quietly petitioned for divorce in Santa Fe, New Mexico, some time ago. According to court papers obtained by the Associated Press, “a state of incompatibility exists between the two parties.” Travis often has credited his now-former wife as having saved his life and career after she rescued him from prison. The couple has no children together.

Elsewhere, “Achy Breaky Heart” singer Cyrus and wife Tish told People magazine last week that they have filed for divorce. The couple, known amongst the tween set as the parents of Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus, has been married for 17 years. Cyrus rose to fame in the 1990s and later was later thrust into the spotlight starring opposite his daughter on her hit Disney channel show. Although the couple has cited irreconcilable differences, Miley reportedly has been offered $100,000 to talk to the press about what really caused her parents to break up. Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus recently faced criticism from parents groups and fans after Miley released a racy video for her latest single.

Prior to gaining primary custody of my three sons in 1992, I led the single life of a divorced man and enjoyed a rewarding career. I traveled about 70% of the time, lived alone in a nice apartment, and accepted my role as a visiting parent. But when my ex-wife asked, "How would you feel about the boys coming to live with you?" I immediately, without thinking, said, "Yes!"

The day I arrived home with my children was a Sunday, halfway through a two-week school break. My kids were out of school, and I had to work in less than 12 hours! What about my job? My career was in full bloom, and I was on my way up. What was I to do? I had business trips starting in a week. Who was going to watch my children? Luckily, I had a friend who would help for a few days while I enrolled them in school and found a permanent day-care for my three-year-old. But how was I going to arrange my new life in that short of time?

We unpacked and tried to settle in by watching TV and making several trips to an empty refrigerator. At times, we sat in awkward silence. We tried to ignore it, but I could tell everyone was nervous about our new situation. That night, as I drifted into a restless sleep, I thought, "What the hell am I going to do now?" Fortunately I found this prayer. I keep it nearby and read it when fears are about to overtake me.

A SINGLE PARENT'S PRAYER

Lord grant me:
Time enough to do all the chores,
join in the games, help with the lessons,
say the night prayers, and much more.

Strength enough to be bread baker
and bread winner,
knee patcher and peace maker,
ball player and bill juggler.

Hands soft enough to hug and to hold,
to tickle and touch,
yet strong enough to pick up
and put away, and then to iron and fold.

Heart enough to share and to care,
to listen and to understand,
and to make this home the best
a single parent can.
-- Unknown

Ask men what it means to be a father and most reply, "It means spending time with your child." Well, that helps a lot, but showing up is only part of it. Imagine being in a relationship with a woman and just showing up for sex, not contributing anything. Not a great return on that. The same holds true with being a father. The best rewards are from the efforts put forth.

In addition to playtime, the time spent with a child should be used teaching right from wrong, instilling basic values of self-respect and pride, and living by the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

In return, the rewards are immeasurable. There's no replacement for the words, "Dad, I love you!" or the memory of "Look Dad, I caught it!" In addition, the accomplishment of raising good children is considered a noble act (especially in a woman's eyes) and adds an overwhelming boost to a father's self-esteem. But the real winners in a father/child relationship are the children, for without a father children face overwhelming odds against living a productive life. Imagine your child as part of these recent Census Bureau statistics. Fatherless homes account for:

• 63% of youth suicides
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger
• 71% of all high school dropouts
• 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home
• 70% of long term prison inmates
• The majority of teen mothers.

Surprised? I was, especially when the role of a father has been traditionally limited to disciplinarian and/or banker. Common phrases from my childhood were, "Wait till your father gets home," and "Dad, I need some money."

Even today, many believe a father is incapable of nurturing a child. After all, how could a father understand what maternal instincts are? We don't carry the child for nine months.

But a man doesn't have to bear children to have the ability to nurture. The truth is that there is nothing a mother can do that a father can't. Okay, there is one thing, but that is why they sell formula at the grocery store.

The new challenges and adjustments that we face as bachelor parents can make us feel overwhelmed. Some bachelor parents encounter radical changes in their own personal behavior before finally adjusting to their new life. These may include depression, eating problems, sleep disorders, smoking, and drug or alcohol abuse. Some fathers will even develop stress-related illnesses such as back pains, head aches, angina, common colds, and impotence. The best advice for dealing with these issues is: "If you need help, get it. A father is absolutely no good to anyone if he is sick."

Mike, a custodial father of three, shares another common problem fathers face with divorce. "When my wife deserted us she made more money then I did. Our dual income supported two new cars, a home and special care for my handicapped daughter. Now, without my ex's income and the reduced hours I am able to work, I have lost my home, my car, and my savings."

These types of losses can certainly make adjusting to a single parent role more difficult. But it's not the end of the world. Mike has some sound advice for those in this situation: "Take a step back, regroup and start over. Many successful people hit rock bottom before reaching their goals. And there is nothing, except children, that can't be replaced. (This includes the ex-wife.)"

Realizing that no two situations are the same, we are all at one time or another bed-fellows to loneliness, boredom, depression, anxiety, isolation, guilt, low self-esteem and anger. When this happens, it's important to overcome these negative feelings so you can live life to the fullest. There are no secrets and no short-cuts to doing this. It takes time, energy, and a positive attitude every day -- starting today! Trust me, each day then gets easier and more enjoyable.

Create a Positive Outlook

The reality is that some fathers will have an easier time coping than others. Paul, a father who wanted his divorce and custody of his children says, "The start of my custody ended a volatile relationship and court battle. My first day of custody was a chance to start over and live peacefully with my kids." Fathers like Paul, who perceive the end of their relationship as a positive experience, will experience increased self-esteem, blooming maturity and enhanced growth in personal relationships.

However, fathers who didn't want a divorce or custody may see their children as obstacles to a new sexual relationship. That's too bad, because these fathers will miss a lot of the rewards that go along with fatherhood, and adjustment to their new situation will be difficult.

The first step to a positive outlook is cutting the strings from the ex-wife and accepting that the relationship is over. For many, letting go is difficult. Some men hold onto unrealistic expectations and at times act stupid. No doubt, breaking up is hard to do, but when ending a relationship is inevitable, make it as easy as possible for yourself by following these rules:

• Don't act like a weak, quivering baby. Or at least don't let her see you acting like one.
• Cut the strings! Leave her alone. Don't call, don't send cards and never attempt to reconcile.
• Accept that she is going to start a relationship that doesn't include you. And the sooner you get over it, the better.
• Remember the not-so wonderful parts of your relationship and use these bad times as motivation.
• Get over it!
• Control your rage and jealousy. Don't stalk, harass, threaten, hit, grab, or touch her in any way.
• Mind your own business. An ex-husband has no right to ask questions of his ex-wife, her friends, her co-workers or her family. Besides, you won't like the answers anyway.
• Don't break anything -- especially if it's yours.
• Leave her friends alone, especially her boyfriend. It's not his fault.

Let Go of the Past

My father once said, "There's a fine line between love and hate, and in order to hate someone you must first love them." My advice is don't hate her. If a father is angry and consumed with the actions of his ex-wife, he'll be unable to see the positive things in his life. Not only will he be unhappy, but it will be impossible to keep the best interests of his children in mind. Letting go of the hate is just as important as letting go of the love and memories. For fathers struggling to let go, try some of the following:

• Laugh at something. Nothing heals like laughter.
• Stay close and rely on family and friends. They are often the only ones willing to hear these kinds of problems.
• Begin a social life as soon as possible. A father needs to date and socialize to keep his sanity and to present a positive image to his children. They learn by example. Let them learn to be happy.
• Do something for yourself at least one day a week. Join a bowling league, exercise club, singles' club or church group. Start a hobby or even return to school.
• Do something on a regular basis outside the home (all the better if it's co-ed).
• Buy something for yourself that will be seen often. I buy plants or something for our home. Clothes are a nice touch, too.
• Buy a pet. Not just any pet, a dog. Not just any dog, a golden retriever. They'll give you so much love (and they're babe magnets!).
• Call someone, but don't unload on them. With the exception of a close friend or family member, no one really wants to hear your problems. (You know, family and friends may not want to hear about them either!)
• Go party a little. Attend a singles function.
• Make a new friend, or look up an old one.
• Pamper yourself. There is something about a bubble bath and a bottle of wine, especially when shared with someone.
• Spend some time alone and enjoy it.
• Consider hypnosis. Doctors often use hypnosis to help people stop smoking, lose weight, and overcome various phobias. It may be just the help you need.
• Take complete care of yourself. Just as physical health depends on a balanced diet for nourishment, mental and social needs also require nourishment. A bachelor parent is entitled to live a happy life. If not, he won't be of any use to anyone, including himself.
• Look to God, as faith can bring strength and inner peace. Spiritual health can contribute to a positive outlook on life.
• Avoid rushing into another relationship. Entering a relationship to make life easier, or because you need a physical relationship in your life, will fail. These reasons make for brief relationships and contribute to the 80% divorce rate for second-time marriages.
• Stop asking negative questions that deserve self-pity. If you ask "Why me?" or "Why doesn't she love me?" your mind will find the answer -- and you won't like it.
• Ask questions that result in positive actions or answers, such as, "What can I do to help myself adjust?" or "What can I do to improve my life?"
• Stop thinking of reconciliation. Any time this happens, hit your hand with a hammer until the desire is gone.
• Give yourself time to adjust. Tomorrow will be better, and before you know it, you're over it.
• Make sure both you and your children are adjusting. Don't let depression last for a long period of time. If you need help, get it.
• Go at your own pace, stay comfortable, and prepare for the fact that the first six months to a year are the hardest. Don't expect perfection from yourself or your children. If you make a mistake, try again.

Co-Existing with your Co-Parent

Co-exist with my ex-wife? Share responsibility of the children's well-being? Develop a dialogue for discussing the children? Respect the rights and privacy of each other? Come on, the last time I looked, there was no "X" in cooperate.

When I used to think of my ex-wife, my emotions boiled. I was constantly reminded of the anger and frustrations she caused me. The first thought that came to mind was, "Why should I get along with her? I hate her." I now know that this is the wrong attitude for a father to have.

This is a tough pill for some to swallow, but children with two parents have fewer problems growing up. The sooner parents begin to cooperate, the sooner the children will become stable. And children aren't the only ones who benefit when parents cooperate. Dad is also a big winner. When a father can say, "I get along with my ex-wife," he has discovered confidence, maturity, and what it means to be an honorable man. In addition, having a mother involved helps lessen the load in the following situations:

• assisting with school work
• shopping for clothes
• providing occasional child care needs -- this is particularly helpful dealing with sick care, allowing time to travel, and providing well earned personal time at no expense
• discussing female "stuff" with a daughter
• being an emergency contact for day-cares and schools
• sharing transportation responsibilities

So what can a father do when there is so much anger and hate that neither parent can get along? I wish I could develop a master plan for everyone to co-exist with his ex-wife, but that would be like my prescribing a universal sexual position for mankind. The important thing to remember is not to stop trying.

I do have a suggestion for fathers who have difficulty finding a way to start a successful co-parenting arrangement. Try sending the letter (right) to your ex-wife. Assuming that both parents are adults who love their children enough to do what is right for them, this letter is a peace treaty in the form of a contract and is designed to provide the first step toward a peaceful relationship between hostile parents.

Some people think living in harmony with an ex-wife is just a dream, especially if blinded by hurt and anger from a divorce. A very smart man once said, "If you think harmony can be achieved, it can. If you think peace will never happen, you're right again!" That man? Oh, that was me.

This article has been edited and excerpted from Bachelor Parents and Their Functional Families(Hoerner Publishing) by Thomas Hoerner. Written by a single father for single fathers, this book provides answers and support for men trying to balance work, a social life, and raising happy, healthy kids on their own. The Executive Liaison of Fathers for Equal Rights, Hoerner blends advice about topics ranging from co-parenting to sex to household chores with a dash of humor -- which makes for an informative and entertaining read.

Artie, a 43-year-old divorcing Catholic in a great deal of pain, made an appointment to see me one summer afternoon. He thought he was making an appointment with a "run of the mill" psychotherapist with standard credentials and training. When he arrived at my office, he saw that I had a small votive candle burning on the table next to my chair, and a variety of spiritual symbols from various faiths on the walls and on the bookshelf. He sat down without a word and started to cry. When I asked Artie what his tears were about, he said he needed to be forgiven for pursuing his divorce, and that he had been praying for guidance. When he looked around my office, he sensed he had found a place where he would find healing for his spiritual pain.

Beth, a 37-year-old separated Jewish mother of two, told me in a session that she no longer felt comfortable attending synagogue. Everyone was a family there, she said, and everyone knew her marriage was ending. "I feel ashamed," Beth told me. "I've come to realize that I've been worshiping at the wrong altar: my marriage, my husband, and my children have become my gods. I've grown away from a true connection with my Creator. I need to know I'm still okay with God." I asked her if she knew any Hebrew prayers, and she was surprised when I suggested she start her sessions in a meditation for healing while I sat quietly beside her.

There's nothing like the upheaval of divorce to shake you into the need for a little soul-searching. Artie and Beth both realized that using religion, prayer, or meditation would make all the difference to their divorce recovery. And don't think that those who seek some form of spiritual or faith-based healing are necessarily religious nuts, or those on the fringes of society: they can be Fortune 500 tycoons, artists, schoolteachers, housewives, retirees -- anybody.

Studies have shown that a commitment to prayer or meditation is a helpful tool in recovery from all kinds of emotional trauma as well as chronic indecision -- equally useful for divorcees, parents, or businesspeople. This commitment is a personal one, and not one that needs to be dictated by any particular religious group. Conversion to one form of organized religion or another is not the goal, and there are many paths to choose from. You can pursue your spiritual life on your own, or in your religious community. In fact, even atheists and agnostics can benefit from exploring values and beliefs.

Exploring Spiritual Therapy

Is it ever appropriate or helpful to use prayer to work through the difficult issues surrounding your divorce? To use a Higher Power to help in making decisions? Can we expect a therapist to support us in using these tools? The answer to these questions is "yes." Let's face it, psychotherapy has only been around for a little over 100 years, while the spiritual disciplines have been around at least 5,000 years -- they must have something to offer! Yet not every therapist is comfortable in this role, and some are so immersed in their own particular religious identity that venturing into "God talk" may have you feeling shamed or blamed. When spiritual seeking has been stifled by rules that are too rigid, or dominated by patriarchal dogma, a great deal of damage can be done.

How do you explore spirituality with your therapist? My intake form includes the question: "religious/spiritual background (if any)." Many therapists don't ask this question, but I'm comfortable doing so as I've had training in spiritual therapy. I also ask clients about their values and what gives meaning to their lives. What you believe -- about yourself, the world around you, and metaphysical questions -- is a powerful force in your life whether you're religious or not.

Life crises such as divorce, bereavement, addiction, and abuse may cause you to consider therapy. You can draw considerable strength and comfort from a course of counseling -- and perhaps from medication on a temporary basis -- but traditional therapy usually doesn't address "soul" questions. Whether or not you believe in God, whether or not you're a religious person, you may want to explore your spirituality with a counselor. Meditation, introspection, calming the outer noise to listen to the inner self: these are tools for growth -- and they don't represent any particular religious dogma.

Practical Spirituality

When you view your relationship alongside your path of personal and spiritual growth, you may notice a correlation. Perhaps your marriage occurred at precisely the right time for you to learn acceptance, unconditional love, patience, or forgiveness. Or were your relationship difficulties the result of conflicts in your past -- or even your past life (if you believe in reincarnation)?

Your past conditioning (adolescence, childhood, etc.) will inevitably color your present. That's why the combination of personal-growth work (books, courses, psychotherapy) and a spiritual practice can be so effective: you're working to remove your old stumbling blocks and to deepen your inner life at the same time.

To heal your soul after divorce, you may need to bring your lofty spiritual ideas and inspiration down into the world of your ordinary experience. I call this "practical spirituality." Gaining an understanding of the spiritual life and its relevance to our day-to-day concerns is vital and necessary. Much of ordinary common sense can be applied to the process of inner growth. For instance, you need to find regular time for meditation and to have a reasonably balanced lifestyle.

Meditate on this

You don't have to use words like "spiritual," "God," or "prayer" to nourish your soul. Meditation and yoga, for instance, are very accepted in mainstream society; no one will accuse you of religious fervor for practicing either one. "People who practice yoga and meditation report they have more self confidence, sleep better, eat better, and that their stress and anxiety levels are greatly reduced," says Helen Goldstein, director of The Yoga Studio in Toronto. "And 20 minutes of meditation has the positive effects of two-to-three hours of sleep."

There are many different kinds of meditation: some practices require only seconds of your time; some can take years. You don't have to be seated in the lotus position in a Buddhist temple to meditate (although for some people, it helps!). You can practice meditation at every moment of your life: while drinking tea, washing the dishes, or mowing the lawn (see "Mindfulness Meditation," right, for more about this).

Meditation in the Judeo-Christian sense usually means some type of prayer: supplication, invocation, or intercession. Either type of meditation can be an extremely useful tool in accessing your inner resources and in integrating your experiences.

Prayer or meditation can also be an effective form of therapeutic imagery. Once the body and mind are in order, the individual is open to making a connection to the spirit and perhaps to discovering a sense of purpose in life. According to Gerald Epstein, M.D., Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at New York's Mt. Sinai Medical Center, "Therapeutic imagery is the mind thinking in pictures, which form the natural language of the inner life giving us new ways of solving life's problems -- whether they be physical, social, emotional, spiritual, interpersonal, moral, ethical or creative."

Powerful Connections

"The relationship with a Higher Power is an individual one," writes Micki McWade in Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On: A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery. "Some of us call our Higher Power 'God'; some 'the Universe'; others believe in angels, and the list can go on..." McWade notes that some people use the power of group support to help themselves heal. "Some of us have rejected the religious practices that we learned as children," she continues. "Others were never taught any religious tradition. Some of us have experienced rejection from those traditions for various reasons, including divorce... we don't have to be religious to have contact with our Higher Power... just ask and be open to the possibilities."

One of the issues a spiritual counselor can help you deal with is the notion that you are bad or sinful because you have made the decision to separate or divorce. "Divorce is not falling off the path of life, it is taking a different one," says J. Randall Nichols, a Presbyterian minister, psychotherapist, and the author of Ending Marriage, Keeping Faith: A New Guide through the Spiritual Journey of Divorce. "Those who walk it are involved in a process that has to do with the deepest springs of who they sense themselves to be, what they are now worth, and how they are regarded -- not only by society, but by whatever name they put to that cosmic purpose, destiny, and presence many call God.

"Divorce has a way of bringing some people into the church or temple and driving others away; but for almost everyone it raises questions about ultimate meanings and concerns regardless of the religious or theological language one speaks," Nichols continues, adding that the Bible "does not have a clear word about divorce, but it does have a clear word about something far more important: the restoration of broken humans." And isn't that what therapy is?

Spirituality and Well-Being

Today, society seems to be renewing its interest in the health of the soul. As the transformative potential of spiritual experience is recognized, its commonality with psychotherapeutic techniques becomes obvious. There is a growing tolerance, even active scholarly curiosity, about spiritual matters and their ramifications for our well-being.

Why is this? For one thing, people who nourish their spiritual sides tend to live longer lives. This is according to a study by Dr. Chandrakant Shah, a professor of public-health sciences at the University of Toronto's faculty of medicine. Dr. Shah's study shows spiritual people to be more forgiving, less stressed, and less likely to smoke and drink than their secular counterparts.

Even the newest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which mental health professionals and insurance companies use as diagnostic criteria, now includes a section on religious and spiritual problems: "Examples include distressing experiences that involve loss or questioning of faith... or questioning of spiritual values that may not necessarily be related to an organized church or religious institution." In other words, spiritual issues are now officially considered relevant for people in therapy.

However, spirit-focused psychotherapy is still rare in these days of quick fixes; it takes time and effort to connect with soul. The goal of soul-based therapy is not symptom relief but the discovery of meaning in the symptoms that, in Carl Jung's formula, are the soul's means for getting our attention. Change comes not so much through learning new ways of being, connecting past experience to the present, and gaining insight (although these are important); rather, healing comes through the experience of having one's soul carefully attended to and understood. "

Using Spiritual Therapy

What kinds of problems can be addressed using a spiritual approach to therapy? The depression that goes along with major life transitions such as divorce is an obvious answer; depression very often brings with it a search for meaning. People suffering from addictions -- such as alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, sex, or destructive relationships -- can also benefit from a spiritual approach.

The longing to go beyond merely coping with divorce-related anger or grief to feeling happy and fulfilled again is perfectly natural -- and there's nothing inherently weird in trying to accomplish this inner journey using tools such as meditation, prayer, or affirmations. This is a very challenging time, and you can use all the help you can get -- whether you believe you're getting it from a Higher Power or merely tapping into your own Personal Power.

Finding a spiritual therapist

Qualified therapists may have many different kinds of training. Aside from looking at the initials after their names, how can you choose one who will be helpful to you? Here are some guidelines to consider:

• Ask about professional credentials and training. In many places, there are no legal standards to define who can practice psychotherapy. If you seek pastoral counseling or psychotherapy, ask if the practitioner is affiliated with the American Association of Pastoral Counselors (for a referral, call 800-225-5603 or visit www.aapc.org) or the Association of Interfaith Ministers (call 877-652-5709 and ask for a referral to a "Minister of Spiritual Counseling"). In Canada, consult the Canadian Psychiatric Association (613-234-2815; www.cpa-apc.org) or the Canadian Psychological Association (888-472-0657; www.cpa.ca) for a referral to a reputable therapist willing to discuss spiritual issues.
• Ask your clergy person or family doctor for a referral.
• Choose a "Jungian". Therapists who have some training in Jungian analysis are more open to working in a spiritual way, so ask about their background.
• Ideally, the therapist should have some knowledge of different cultures/faiths.
• The therapist should be willing to answer questions about his/her training and experience as it relates to your particular spiritual quest. You will want a therapist who is willing to listen carefully and explore spiritual issues with you, rather than one who offers a "quick fix."
• Don't limit your search to therapists your insurance company will reimburse. Ask whether the therapist works on a sliding-fee scale.
• Above all, trust your instincts about finding the right therapist for you.

Mindfulness Meditation

Basically, "mindfulness" meditation is the art of paying attention to your life as you live it, moment by moment. You can practice it while engaged in everyday activities; for instance, when you're eating, notice every piece of food you put in your mouth, the flavor, texture, and scent. Devote all your attention to savoring every bite -- don't watch TV, read a book, or distract yourself in any way from the task at hand. When taking a walk, pay attention to how your body feels as you put one foot in front of the other; the feel of the wind/sun/rain on your skin; the smells, sights, and sounds around you.

Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go, There You Are is an excellent resource if you want to learn how -- and why -- to cultivate mindfulness in your life.

Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D. MSTh, is a therapist, spiritual counselor, and life coach. She is the author of I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One. She has lived through two divorces, and is now happily married. Dr. Blair is the Director of the Divorce Resource Network and maintains a private practice in Hawthorne, NY.

     In North America, it's the judge's place to decide how the marital assets should be divided. By closely examining the assets of each spouse, the judge can determine if spousal support should be paid -- and by whom. In some cases, the assets may generate sufficient income that either no spousal support is necessary or it can be reduced.

     Each state has guidelines to calculate spousal support. However, they are generally just that -- guidelines. Whether or not spousal support should be awarded is up to the discretion of the judge. The judge can also decide the amount of spousal support and the period of time that it should be paid. In Canada, there are no such guidelines: a judge decides whether or not spousal support should be paid, as well as the amount and duration.

     An important point to note about judgments and settlement agreements: unless they specifically state that the spousal support is non-modifiable, they can be modified due to material changes in either spouse's circumstances. In Canada, the exception is that a separation agreement may be non-modifiable in spite of a material change in circumstances depending on the negotiations and what led up to the agreement -- particularly if there's a waiver of spousal support in the agreement.

What factors does the judge consider?

     Judges consider many different aspects to determine first whether spousal support should be awarded, and if so, the amount of support and how long it should be paid. They may look at the amount calculated under the state's guidelines. They will also look at need, ability to pay, length of marriage, standard of living, ages and health of both parties, number of minor children, educational level, and child support.

Let's take a look at some of these factors.

1) Need
      The first question the judge will consider is, "Does the recipient have enough money to live on?" In both countries, the spouse who asks for support is required to seek economic self-sufficiency. The judge will look at the individual's ability to earn income and the marital and separate assets of the spouse seeking support to determine if he or she can use these assets as a source of support.

     For example: Bob earns $200,000 per year. His wife Mary agreed not to work after college to stay at home and take care of their family. Mary has inherited $2 million from her parents. It is unlikely that she will be awarded spousal support, because she has $2 million and her share of the marital assets to use for her support.

     In Canada, a lump sum can be awarded to compensate the spouse that sacrificed his or her career for the benefit of the family. Often, this lump sum will depend on the length of the marriage and other circumstances. "Courts tend to award periodic support over lump sums," says Toronto-based family lawyer Judith Holzman. "The rule of thumb tends to be that there will not be a lump sum award in a longer marriage unless it would prove difficult to collect the support or for other special circumstances."

     The best approach to prove need is to prepare a detailed budget to establish the amount needed for spousal support.

2) Ability to pay
      The judge will decide how much the payor can afford to pay and still have enough to live in his or her accustomed standard of living. To determine one spouse's ability to pay, the judge will add back discretionary savings (such as contributions to retirement plans and automatic withholding to savings accounts, bonds, and employer stock purchase programs).

    For example: Bob earns $200,000 and invests $50,400 in discretionary savings. He invests $16,000 in his retirement plan, $20,000 in his employer's stock purchase program, $2,400 in bonds, and $12,000 in a money-market account. When the judge calculates Bob's ability to pay spousal support, he/she will include the $50,400, which Bob has withheld from his paycheck for discretionary savings, as income available to pay spousal support.

     The payor spouse must act in good faith. If Bob were to quit his job, for example, so he would not have to pay spousal support, then the judge would generally consider the payor's income-producing capacity. There is a Colorado case on record where the husband had a very high income and quit his job to grow mushrooms. The judge ruled that he could grow mushrooms, but that he would have to figure out a way to pay the spousal support that was awarded to his ex-wife.

     "In Canada, if someone has a high-paying job," says Holzman, "the court will consider ability to earn and order spousal support based on the high-paying job, unless the person could show that he had to quit his job for health or other good reasons." In this case, the court would disregard any discretionary savings, RRSP contributions, employer's stock purchase program, bonds, or money market account.

3) Length of marriage
      The length of the marriage is also a consideration when the judge awards spousal support. If the marriage only lasted for two years, it is unlikely that the judge would award permanent spousal support to one spouse. The judge may not award spousal support at all, unless there are children or there is some other circumstance that would prevent the recipient from working. A judge considers all of the facts and circumstances.

     For example: If a couple is married for 20 years, and the wife was 18 when they married and is now 38, then the judge will probably not award permanent spousal support. However, if the wife was 40 when they married and she is now 60, the judge may award permanent spousal support.

4) Standard of living
      The judge will also consider the couple's standard of living during the marriage.

     For example: If a couple is married for 25 years, and the husband earns an annual salary of $600,000, it would be unreasonable for him to argue that his wife could live on $40,000. However, if he earns $50,000, it would be unreasonable for his wife to argue that she should get $40,000 to cover her expenses.

5) Age and health of both spouses
      Another consideration is the age and health of both spouses. Is either disabled or retired? If so, are they receiving a permanent income stream? If one spouse is 50 or older, and has never worked, he or she will have a difficult time finding employment. Spousal support will have to be awarded.

6) Duration of spousal support
      Spousal support may be awarded for a specified time period, or it may continue until it is modified or terminated. Some judges in the U.S. have a rule of thumb that they will award spousal support for half the number of years of the marriage.

     Spousal support generally ends upon the death of either spouse, or upon the remarriage of the recipient. Spousal support will continue until it is modified, unless the decree states that it is non-modifiable.

     During the separation period, any payments to the other spouse are generally not considered spousal support. However, if a temporary order was issued for spousal support, and the order does not state that payments will not be taxed as spousal support, then the spousal support payments are deductible by the payor and included in the income of the recipient. In Canada, temporary support is deductible by the payor and included in the recipient's income only if it's part of a court order or if a temporary agreement is in place.

     "There is no rule of thumb in Canada that the award of spousal support is for only half the number of years of marriage," explains Holzman. "While spousal support will end upon the death of either spouse if the surviving spouse was dependent on the other on the date of death, the survivor can claim dependency in Ontario and therefore claim against the estate as a dependent of the deceased, for whom the deceased ought to have made a provision in the will."

     In addition, Holzman says, "Spousal support does not end on marriage or cohabitation in Canada, but it is one circumstance that would be looked at on any application to vary support as a possible material change in circumstances. For instance, the obligation of a spouse after a 20-year marriage is very different from a new cohabitee who will not owe an obligation of support until the parties have lived together for three years or have had a child. Even a remarriage does not necessarily overset the obligation of support from the first spouse. All the circumstances of earning abilities of the new spouse, and the situation of the spouse being supported, will be taken into consideration."

What is "No-Fault Divorce?" Can it affect spousal support?

     "No-fault divorce" means that either party can file for divorce without the other spouse's consent -- and without establishing that the other spouse was at fault. Canada, as well as every state in the U.S., recognizes no-fault divorces. There are, however, some differences regarding the treatment of spousal support. In Canada, neither party can be denied spousal support because of his or her conduct. In the U.S., the conduct of either spouse can be considered when spousal support is awarded.

     However, keep in mind that judges have a lot of discretion in awarding spousal support. They may or may not consider the fault or conduct of one spouse when they decide if spousal support should be awarded.

What about taxation?

     As a general rule, spousal support is tax-deductible by the payor and taxable to the recipient. However, in Canada, if one spouse receives compensatory support or a lump sum for support, then it is neither deductible nor taxable. In the U.S., a lump sum may not be deductible or taxable if it is really a disguised property settlement. In addition, the recipient may be required to reduce their income and the payor may be required to report additional income if the spousal support is reduced by more than $15,000 per year or eliminated within the first three years. (This does not apply to Canada, however.) You may also have to reclassify spousal support as child support if spousal support is reduced because of something relating to your children.

     For example: Bob is ordered to pay Mary spousal support of $5,000 per month and child support for Bob, Jr. of $1,000 per month. If the spousal support drops to $2,000 per month when Bob, Jr. turns 18, then only $2,000 per month would be considered spousal support. The rest would be deemed child support, which would not be tax deductible.

Summary

Canada

• First division of assets, then the judge decides spousal support;
• The amount and duration of spousal support is up to judge's discretion;
• Spousal support not always modifiable;
• The judge looks at:
  -- Need
  -- Ability to pay
  -- Length of marriage
  -- Standard of living
  -- Age and health of both spouses
  -- Roles within the marriage (e.g. if the wife stayed home to raise children and lost career opportunities);
• No-fault divorce -- fault cannot be considered for spousal support;
• Spousal support is taxable to recipient, deductible by the payor;
• Federal and provincial laws govern spousal support;
• Same-sex partners and common-law spouses have the right to spousal support.

United States

• First division of assets, then judge decides spousal support;
• The amount and duration of spousal support is up to judge's discretion;
• Spousal support is generally modifiable;
• The judge looks at:
  -- Need
  -- Ability to pay
  -- Length of marriage
  -- Standard of living
  -- Age and health of both spouses;
• No-fault divorce -- fault can be considered for spousal support;
• Spousal support is taxable to recipient, deductible by the payor;
• Only state law governs spousal support;
• Same-sex partners have no right to spousal support;
• Common-law marriage is only recognized in nine states plus D.C. In those states, individuals are treated in the same manner as their "legally-married" counterparts.

Support: Key differences between Canada and the USA

     There are some major differences, regarding spousal support, between Canada and the U.S.A. In Canada, while property division is under provincial law, support is under both provincial and federal law, while the grounds for divorce and the granting of it are under federal legislation. The divorce law in the U.S. is governed solely by state legislation, except for the taxation of spousal support and certain constitutional protections.

     In Canada, common-law spouses and same-sex partners are entitled to claim spousal support as long as they qualify under one of the definitions of the word "spouse." Ontario's Family Law Act provides that a spouse is a man and woman who are married to each other; a man and woman or same-sex partners who are not married, but have cohabited continuously for a period of not less than three years, or live in a relationship of some permanence and are the natural or adoptive parents of a child, or who live together in a marriage-like state that is characterized by some degree of economic dependency. The definition of spouses and a man and a woman who are married is in flux because of recent court decisions allowing same-sex partners to marry. New legislation is expected.

     In the U.S.A., there are no statutes that allow same-sex partners to collect spousal support. Only nine states and the District of Columbia recognize common-law marriages. (Some states have even passed laws abolishing common-law marriage.) In the states that do recognize common-law marriage, each spouse has the same rights in the divorce process as they would if they had been formally married.

Nancy Kurn (CPA, JD, LLM, MBA, CDFA) is the director of Educational Services for the Institute for Certified Divorce Financial Analysts. For more information about how a CDFA can help you with the financial aspects of your divorce, call (800) 875-1760 or visit their website at www.InstituteDFA.com .

If you're going through a divorce or separation, you probably haven't even thought about the upcoming holiday season. But experts stress that it's important for people who are in transition to develop coping strategies well in advance of the major calendar events. Family-centred holidays -- like Thanksgiving, Passover, Hanukkah, and Christmas -- can heighten and intensify feelings of sadness, inadequacy, and loss. For newly separated and divorced people, the holiday season can really emphasize how much the family unit has changed.

"People are creatures of habit," says Joan Massaquoi, a Chicago-area therapist and mediator. "It's a real sign of departure to be split from the family and alone at this time of year."

Linda Kroll, executive director of The Lilac Tree, a Chicago-area support organization for divorced women, agrees. "During the holidays, newly separated and divorced people are forced for the first time to deal with the reality of their loss," she says. "The denial is stripped away and they come face to face with what they've lost."

If you've spent every significant holiday with your children, being apart from them for the first time can be devastating. Ted (some names have been changed to respect the confidentiality of those concerned), an architect from Northbrook, remembers his first Thanksgiving away from the kids. "I went to see a movie alone and all I could think of was my kids around the table without me," he says. "It was pretty well the lowest point in my life."

Adjusting to the holidays as a single person without children can be just as stressful. After her divorce, Anne spent the first few Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with her parents at their home in upstate New York. The 37-year-old legal secretary felt like she had regressed into a second childhood. "I love my parents," says Anne, "but the whole me, Mom, and Dad thing was just too much." Roberta, a separated public relations consultant from San Diego, tried to escape her loneliness and depression with shopping trips to local department stores. "I couldn't believe my credit-card bill in January," she says. "But the worst part was that I kept seeing happy families everywhere. I couldn't help but wonder, 'why can't that be me?' "

Even if your life isn't exactly where you'd like it to be right now, the good news is that we all have choices about how and where we spend our holidays. "Surviving the holidays is a metaphor for dealing with life," says Linda Kroll. Look at it as an opportunity: by being proactive and exercising these choices, you can create new and meaningful traditions for you and your family. Here are some strategies and tips for enjoying -- rather than avoiding -- the upcoming holiday season.

Take a positive approach

Dr. Wayne Dyer is the author of No More Holiday Blues, an inspirational little book that offers positive suggestions in a quick-read format. He maintains that as adults, "we've come to believe that the holiday season is really only for children ... thus only children can enjoy the holidays; adults must suffer through them." To illustrate his point, Dyer has included a chart that compares child-like attitudes ("I can't believe it's over already, it seems like it just started") to "neurotic" adult attitudes ("Thank God it's over. If it lasted one more day I'd have a nervous breakdown"). Sound familiar? This year, try to recapture some of the joy you experienced as a child during the holidays.

Start planning now

Don't wait until December 20 to decide who gets the kids or to blow the dust off your address book. If you have children, it's important to get some sort of communication happening with your former spouse well in advance of the holiday. "Try to avoid using the kids as a dumping ground," stresses Rick Tivers, co-director of The Divorce Recovery Center. "Instead, give them a sense of control," he says. "Get them involved in the decision-making process." And be fair in deciding where the children will spend their time. "Holidays are hard on kids whose parents have split up," says Al Frankel, a psychotherapist and divorce mediator in Mt. Kisco, NY. "All they want is to have a fun Christmas or Hanukkah, so plan as equitably as possible and remember, when dividing time with your kids, that generosity breeds generosity."

There are many non-confrontational strategies you can use to navigate custody issues for the holidays. Joan Massaquoi advises her clients to avoid stress by planning as far ahead as they can. "Anticipate the whole calendar year in large blocks of time," says Massaquoi. But don't be ruled by the calendar: there's no reason why Christmas Day must be celebrated on December 25.

Once you've set the holiday schedule, try to accept that it will be very difficult at first not to have your children on a particular day. Plan ways to avoid falling into a self-defeating mind-set. "If your spouse has the kids on a particular day, you can either look as it as a lonely time, or as an opportunity for personal choices that you may not normally have," says Linda Kroll. Have lunch with an old friend, book a day at the spa, or lounge in a bubblebath with a glass of wine -- whatever makes you feel happy and/or pampered.

If your former spouse lives in another state, plan in advance to stay in touch with your children. Get technology on your side, and send them an e-mail or fax, leave them a voice-mail message, or prepare a special holiday video for them to take with them.

If you don't have children, or if your spouse has them for this holiday, gather up your courage and reach out to your friends and family. Let them know that you're going to be on your own. You can't always count on them to approach you first. People can be intimidated by divorce. They may not know how to deal with your situation, or they may be afraid to take sides. You'll be surprised how receptive they'll be once you break the ice.

Change your expectations

Give yourself permission to enjoy this holiday any way that you choose, advises Dr. Dyer. "Refuse to allow yourself to be lonely, even if you happen to be alone for the holidays. Loneliness is an attitude that can be changed, and aloneness is nothing more than a temporary absence of other people. If you allow yourself to indulge in self-pity or fantasies of how your holidays ought to (or used to) be and then permit yourself to become depressed, you'll be defeating yourself and bringing on the holiday letdown." If you think you're going to be alone over the holidays, seize the opportunity to do something you've always wanted to do.

"Do the things that single people are privileged to do," advises Joan Massaquoi. "Integrate the holidays with a special vacation. Or pamper yourself by going to a spa." Whatever you do, it's your decision -- and yours alone.

Create new traditions

The holiday season is steeped in sentiment and tradition, which is why people who are in transition sometimes choose to ignore the holidays altogether. "I just couldn't face unpacking the ornaments from our first Christmas together, from our fifth anniversary, or from our trip to Germany," says Roberta. "I may never be able to bring them out again." Fortunately, there's no rule that says you have to keep any of the trappings or traditions from the past. Decide what works for you and what doesn't -- and edit accordingly.

"It's a cross-roads time," says Linda Kroll. "You can either get stuck in the grief or make new traditions for yourself so you can start to begin again and get to the other side of divorce, the part of re-birth."

Inez, a divorced mother of two from Glencoe, suggests that families of divorce be adventurous and design new rituals and traditions for their families. "Rituals define our humanity," she says. "They give us definition and a framework through which to know ourselves." Inez turned to her Celtic heritage and developed an elaborate holiday ritual centered around the "clouty dumpling," a traditional Scottish cake that she used to make with her ex-husband's great-grandmother. "Jean and I used to get together and make this dumpling in November," remembers Inez. "We'd sit up until two in the morning and she would tell me stories of Scotland." Your cultural background is a good place to start when creating new traditions. "Nothing fascinates kids more than stories of your background," says Inez. "Through your heritage, children experience a sense of continuity, a sense of who they are as human beings."

There are many opportunities for newly-single people without children, or parents without custodial access, to create their own traditions. Just remember that it's important to know your limits. If you can't bring yourself to join a dinner party where you know the other guests will be couples, invite your friends and family to celebrate with you at your home. You can also create a new "constellation" of family or friends for the holidays, says Joan Massaquoi. Judy, a mother of three from Chicago, created a "friend family" by making Christmas dinner at her house for five of her closest friends.

It's also important to give your family time to adjust to the changes in your life, and to try to make compromises. Anne solved the "me, Mom, and Dad" problem by hosting Christmas for her entire family in her tiny SoHo apartment. "I made the point -- gently -- that just because I'm single doesn't mean that we can't have Christmas where I am," she says. This year, Anne will spend the holidays with her family at her brother's home on Long Island.

Some people get into the Christmas spirit by making special meals. If you don't have a lot of experience with cooking, take a course at your local community college or ask a friend to help you plan the menu. You might also consider breaking tradition with the past by eating in restaurants on important holidays. "The celebrations feel very different when you aren't at home," says Deborah Mecklinger, a Toronto-based divorce mediator and counselor. "When you celebrate at a favorite restaurant, it doesn't trigger all the old nostalgia issues."

If you belong to a support group, get to know one another socially. If you find yourself in a situation where you're going to be alone over the holidays, you can get together with people who understand what you're going through, even if it's just for a walk or a cup of coffee.

"Be honest about the fact that you are depressed and give yourself time to grieve," says Linda Kroll. "Listen to your own voice -- if it says get into bed with some chocolate and magazines and a movie you really want to see, then do it. Know that you're not going to stay there, that it does get better."

Make gift-giving more pleasurable

Gifts are an integral part of the holiday season. Unfortunately, the gift-giving experience is too often accompanied by high prices, commercialism, and heavy crowds -- factors that can cause great stress for separated or divorced people. Dr. Dyer suggests that people try giving "non-shopping" gifts. For instance, you might consider giving a family heirloom as a gift this year. "Write a pleasant note with something that you want your children to have that has been in the family for several generations. Explain the significance of the item (even if you are starting a tradition of your own) and you can be sure that they will treasure it longer than the expensive toy or radio."

A gift of a personal belonging can have great significance, too. Bob, an artist who lives in New York City, gave his daughter his leather backpack, a worn and cherished possession that she had admired for many years; she was thrilled with the gift. You might also consider supporting your favorite charities and arts organizations, or ordering gifts from mail-order or museum catalogues. Visit local merchants, buy gift certificates from a favorite restaurant or from a greenhouse, rent an indoor skating rink for an afternoon, give concert or theater tickets -- the options are limitless, so just use your imagination!

One of the best non-monetary gifts you can give your children is the gift of good will towards your former spouse. Agree to a ceasefire, at least during the holidays. "That's what your children really need," says Danny Guspie, a paralegal counselor and the director of Toronto Fathers' Resources. "And if you can manage to get together for even an hour over Christmas to go for a walk or to go tobogganing, your kids will likely remember that over anything else."

If you must venture into the shopping mall this holiday season, try to slow yourself down when shopping for gifts. "Make the experience of shopping and being out in the world something that you enjoy for itself, rather than a necessary barrier that you must overcome on your way to having a nice holiday," says Dr. Dyer. "Keep in mind how much you loved doing your holiday shopping as a child. "

Relieve stress with diet and exercise

In her book, Anxiety and Stress, Susan Clark, M.D., suggests that individuals who are under major life stress gradually eliminate, or at least limit, foods that intensify anxiety symptoms. These foods include caffeine, sugar, alcohol, food additives, dairy products, red meat and poultry, and wheat and gluten-containing grains. Foods that are believed to have a calming effect include vegetables, fruits, starches, legumes, whole grains, seeds and nuts, and fish. Be realistic about your diet during the holiday season. Face the fact that you're going to have that eggnog, but try to exercise regularly; it really helps with your emotional state. And if you have children, be careful not to over-compensate with food. "It's not unusual for addictive behavior to begin during such periods of stress," warns Rick Tivers.

Be proactive

If you don't have family or friends around this holiday season, you might want to consider helping out with the festivities at your church, synagogue, or community organization. Reaching out to a neighbour, a shut-in, or someone less fortunate than yourself this holiday season will take courage, but it can give you back your sense of place in the world.

"The important thing for you to keep in mind," says Dr. Dyer, "is that there is nothing inherently depressing about the holidays. If you anticipate that things will be depressing, you will rarely disappoint yourself. You must look within yourself and resolve to have a positive attitude, regardless of the tasks that lie ahead of you, or the fullness of your holiday schedule." This year, look beyond the ghost of Christmas Past. Live in the present and plan for the future, and you're sure to discover the true meaning of the holiday season.

While seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, it might be tempting to ease up on disciplining your children. Divorce, after all, is a confusing and often traumatic event for children; often our impulse is to let them have, say or do whatever they want. But experts say that discipline during divorce is more important than ever.

Drs. Bill and Martha Sears are healthcare professionals and parents to 8 children who have been assisting frazzled parents for decades. On their website, AskDrSears.com, the couple has four simple discipline techniques to help both children and parents of divorce.

1. Reaffirm your love and availability — “Most discipline problems stem from children demanding attention and reaffirmation that they are loved and will be cared for,” the Searses point out. To combat this, the doctors recommend avoiding big changes to the child’s routine after divorce. Holding off on new schools, demanding career changes and new relationships will help your child adjust easier.

2. Level with your children — Children don’t need the sordid details of why your marriage didn’t work. But they do need two reaffirming messages: The divorce is not the child’s fault and both parents still love them. “You don't have to (and probably shouldn't) dwell on the problems in the marriage, and don't run down your spouse,” they note.

3. Organize the single-parent home — Disorganized and unsettled homes are a hotbed of indiscipline, so the Searses recommend getting single-parent homes in order with chores, schedules and routines before the children move in. Gradually giving them more responsibility will help them from feeling overwhelmed. “Remember, children are angry about the divorce, so ease them gently into increased responsibilities to keep them from rebelling,” say the doctors.

4. Realize the other parent will have a different discipline style — It’s pretty common that parents apart will have two totally different styles of parenting. Some Dads could be the fun parent while mom is seen as the enforcer. The varying styles of parenting could be the cause for a lot of drama. The Searses say, however, that children need discipline and schedules. If one parent is providing steady, stable discipline, they will adapt and quickly learn that both households have different rules. “As long as at least one of the parents has a handle on discipline, the child will feel grounded,” say the Searses.

Make sure you bring a copy of your prenuptial agreement to your family lawyer’s office in Pasadena. Prenuptial agreements, long popular among the rich and famous, now are on the rise amongst regular, non-celebrity couples.

A new study finds a massive increase in couples that sign prenups before walking down the aisle. Experts say uncertain economic times and a rising divorce rate are the reasons behind the change.

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) conducted a survey of divorce and family lawyers to find out how many couples were using prenuptial agreements to protect their assets before marriage. AAML received data that reported 73 percent of attorneys surveyed cited an increase of prenuptial agreements during the past five years. The survey also found a surprising 52 percent increase of the respondents said more women are requesting prenuptial agreements.

Minnesota lawyer Sharon Lach says it makes sense that women are taking actions to protect their finances.

“More women are bringing assets into the marriage,” she told the Seattle Times. “Plus, I think women are just getting smarter. They’re thinking that 15 or 20 years down the line, they want to be protected.”

Pop star Christina Aguilera, whose net worth is in the neighborhood of $60 million, is the most recent famous woman to reveal a prenuptial agreement when divorcing. A national increase in second marriages is another reason being attributed to the prenuptial agreement explosion. The staggering and often devastating financial and emotional blows delivered during a first divorce are enough to convince many individuals not to repeat history.

Yet even people with modest incomes to protect also are using the agreements to hang onto their assets during unpredictable economic times.

Lach is quick to point out that just because a couple signs a prenuptial agreement, it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t in love. Couples simply are being more honest and realistic about financial matters before they send out the wedding invitations; increased prenuptial agreements simply may be a reaction to modern times.

“The world is changing,” Lach says. “But love can still be forever."