Recent Blog Posts in September 2010

Divorce attorneys in Pasadena stumble upon all sorts of studies and statistics, each claiming they have the secrets to why couples split up. Seemingly every week, a new batch of research hopes to provide some insight into the ending of marriages. This latest round of information making the rounds online puts the blame on daughters and, more specifically, why women with daughters leave.

The numbers, first uncovered by Gordon Dahl at the University of Rochester and Enrico Moretti at UCLA, are pretty surprising. Couples with a daughter are 5 percent more likely to divorce than couples with a boy. The odds of divorce are increased with each additional daughter. Couples expecting a son are more likely to wed than those expecting a girl. These startling numbers, which have been floating around since 2003, long have been a catalyst for discussions on why men stick around for sons and not for daughters.

A new article in Psychology Today, however, wonders if we haven't been having the wrong conversation. According to the numbers, in 73 percent of divorces the wife is the one who leaves. Folks like Anita E. Kelly, a psychology professor at the University of Notre Dame, are wondering why mothers of daughters divorce more than mothers of sons. Kelly has a few theories. She notes that sons increase the daily workload as girls decrease the workload and daughters in general are more emotionally supportive than sons.

"When we add up these facts, a conclusion we might draw is that wives with daughters are less likely to stay with their husbands because they know that with a girl, they'll never be lonely or without help," she says. She also points to the statistic of couples carrying a girl are less likely to be married, which could indicate that the woman is anticipating that she won't need a husband.

From what we've seen regularly from those seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, it is hard to generalize the individual experiences and feelings of couples involved in a divorce. Still, regardless of how speculative the statistics are, they certainly are enlightening.

Given the fact that the divorce between actress Sandra Bullock and chopper bad boy Jesse James was one of the quickest in Hollywood history that divorce attorneys in Pasadena have ever seen, it makes perfect sense that James would already be in a much-gossiped-about relationship. The rebound girl in question is none other than TLC reality star and tattoo diva Kat Von D.

The timeline goes a little something like this: Bullock and James' divorce became finalized at the end of June, and less than two months later James hooked up with Von D (who confirmed the affair via Twitter on August 18^th). The two have been spotted all over Hollywood and Las Vegas since the middle of August, and things got steamy when the pair attended a couple of music events together in Los Angeles over Labor Day weekend. Yet the history of Von D and James dates back a lot further. Von D sought his advice on starring in a reality show six years ago, just before she was added to the cast of Miami Ink. James, at the time, was the star of his own Discovery channel show, Monster Garage. According to Von D, she and James remained friendly over the years and reunited over the summer. Naturally, there are now pregnancy and wedding bell rumors, neither of which has been confirmed by Von D or James.

Bullock, on the other hand, recently came forward with a romance of her own -- with the city of New Orleans. Bullock sat down recently with theToday show's Matt Lauer to discuss her involvement in community rebuilding of the city, which was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina in 2005. The Oscar winner donated money to rebuild a local school and medical clinic. While she gushed about her newly-adopted son to Lauer, James and Von D were not surprisingly absent from the conversation.

With a rash of high profile marriages ending because of scandalous affairs, it would seem that everybody is divorcing these days. But that is far from the truth. As it turns out, divorce isn't as rampant as divorce attorneys in Pasadena might believe. Hollywood notwithstanding, Americans overall are staying married, according to a study released last week from the Centers for Disease Control. Even more surprising, the CDC says that infidelity has also been declining.

According to data collected from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, in 1980 the divorce rate per 1,000 married women was 22.6%. That number dropped to 16.4% in 2009, down from the 16.9% from 2008. The CDC says the divorce is at its lowest point since the 1970s when the country experienced a boom in breakups.

But don't cast your vote for romance just yet: Experts believe costly legal fees, high unemployment and a sagging real estate market could be the reasons many couples are choosing to stay together. That said, incidences of infidelity also are down, especially among married men. The study found that despite cases like Tiger Woods and Jesse James, infidelity hasn't really increased over the last 20 years. A modest 21 percent of men and 14 percent of women married in the 2000s reported they engaged in sexual activity with someone other than their spouse while they were married. It's a slight dip since the 1990s when 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to extra-martial affairs.

Financial issues surface again when talking about infidelity.

"After all, if your husband has a secure job or wife has a great health care plan, or your in-laws are helping out with the kid's tuition, you are probably a lot more willing to put up with your spouse's faults and failings now than you might have five years ago," says Professor Bradford Wilcox, who conducted the study and serves as the director of the National Marriage Project.

The rise to reality TV show fame for The Hills stars Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag has been one littered with shameless publicity, a phony made-for-TV wedding and a jaw-dropping plastic surgery makeover. So it is no wonder that television's love-to-hate-them couple is in the middle of a divorce riddled with equally bizarre headlines. From snooping by private investigators, claims of infidelity, questions if the split was simply another publicity stunt and the impending release of a sex tape, the entire break-up has been conducted Speidi-style. The latest story involves custody of the couple's four dogs.

Divorce attorneys in Pasadena have seen plenty of passionate pet owners get fired up about which spouse gets to keep the beloved critters. But, as usual, Pratt and Montag have allegedly taken animal custody to strange new heights. Despite an initial round of backbiting and bickering, the pair has come to an agreement on the animals. The Daily Mail reported recently that Pratt made a trek to Montag's Costa Rica home to perform a pooch pickup and drop off. Traveling on a golf cart, Pratt delivered two of the couple's dogs in exchange for the other two. After a short vista, Pratt loaded the canines onto the golf cart before returning to Los Angeles. The shared custody of the animals appears to be part of the couple's divorce settlement terms.

Pratt and Montag eloped in Mexico for the cameras in November 2008 but officially tied the knot back in the states in April 2009. Montag has a new post-Hills series filming for MTV now in addition to another album, both set for release by the end of the year. As for Pratt, the former reality TV bad guy currently has no projects in the works but we're confident we haven't seen the last of him.

Most family attorneys in Pasadena believe a divorce is a divorce is a divorce. After all, it doesn't matter whom you've been married to if you're unhappy and need a way out. But according to a Texas Court of Appeals, gays and lesbians who've been married can't get a divorce in the Lone Star state.

Throwing its 10-gallon hat into the national debate on gay marriage, Texas made headlines recently when a three-justice panel of the Dallas' 5^th Court of Appeals ruled that same sex couples can't get divorced in Texas. Siding with the Texas office of the Attorney General, the panel concluded that since the state doesn't recognize gay marriage, then it shouldn't recognize gay divorce. The appeals court ruled that a Dallas district court judge did not have the authority to hear the divorce trial of two men who were married in Massachusetts in 2006. State Attorney General Greg Abbott's office appealed Judge Tena Callahan's ruling on the case when she dismissed the state's attempts to intervene. Callahan got herself in hot water when she further ruled that Texas could not limit marriage to just a man and a woman. The state appeals court, however, pointed out that the gay marriage ban was constitutional. Therefore Callahan had acted outside of her jurisdiction. The case has been sent back to Callahan who must now vacate her order.

Lawyers for the couple that tried to get divorced say the couple is obviously upset by the ruling from the appeals justices but they "respect the process and respect the court." The men, simply known as J.B. and H.B., have no children and are not embroiled in a battle for their joint assets. The men simply want an official divorce. Spokespeople for the couple say the pair is unsure if they are going to pursue an appeal at this time.

By Josh Simon

Divorce Magazine conducted a poll at www.DivorceMagazine.com and used social media channels, such as LinkedIn and our blog, to gauge public opinion on this controversial topic: should 50/50 custody be the starting point in divorce law, and only adjusted based on special circumstances (e.g. abuse). As expected, feedback was and remains varied, impassioned and thought-provoking. The poll results, and a very small sampling of the hundreds of comments we've received from a range of divorce professionals and divorcing individuals are provided below.

FOR

"50/50 should be the presumption for custody, regardless of parental ability and the children's needs." - Family Lawyer in Washington D.C.

"Since during a marriage, parents are joint legal custodians of their children, this arrangement should remain unchanged upon its dissolution - unless of course there are conditions that would make joint custody unworkable." - Canadian Trial Consultant

"In the Nordic countries we have had joint custody for many years. It was introduced in Iceland in 1992, Denmark in 1995, Norway in 1997 and Sweden in 1998. A few parents can´t handle it, but the general opinion is, that it works well, so just move on." - Denmark Attorney

From individuals across the web come the following comments:

"I agree it should be 50/50...as women we didn't create [children] by ourselves and why would we want to raise them ourselves?"

"For those of us who are great dads, we should get to start with 50/50 so the mom doesn't have a totally unfair advantage to begin with. I shouldn't have to prove I deserve my kids; you should have to prove I don't."

AGAINST

"Anger, hurt, frustration, rejection, resentment and blaming usually occur due to unresolved issues. All of these factors escalate while trying to reach an agreement and usually continues post divorce. This happens when the couple does not make any emotional progress or come to terms with their situation. Co-parenting or 50/50 custody becomes difficult and sometimes impossible." - Florida-area licensed Clinical Social Worker

"Stop and think about your daily life. Do you work? What are your hours? Even though I live with my daughter and Wife, I do not spend 50% of my time with her. I see her for an hour in the morning and an hour or two at night. I try to get my clients to focus on the quality of time rather than the quantity of time." - New York Divorce Attorney

Additionally, divorced/divorcing individuals have been forthcoming and candid with their views.

"How do you ask for 50/50 custody when you are currently not even being 'bothered' with your child?"

"I don't think 50/50's what's best for the kids. They need a "home" they're in/at the majority of the time. They need ONE school district, etc. The more normalcy, routine, predictability, and stability they can have in their lives, the better."

What do you think?

By Mel Krantzler, Ph.D., and Patricia Biondi Krantzler, M.A.

There are seven predominant types of love masquerades that prevent divorced men and women from giving and receiving the love they want and need. Here's how to learn from the mistakes you've made -- and understand how to avoid repeating them.

Becoming a whole person doesn't necessarily mean marrying again, for the choices are many and varied and can lead to satisfying lives without marriage. It can mean, for example, being "married" to a social cause, a church, a person of the same sex, or a live-in partnership without a marriage license. But all forms of commitment require love as a fundamental glue to piece together a happy and fulfilling life.

Therefore, it's extremely important to understand how and why we love -- and what went wrong with the love that was part of your marriage. Learning from the mistakes you've made, and understanding how to avoid repeating them, is a necessary foundation for a creative divorce. Consequently, this article will focus on using your divorce as a learning experience -- one that will help you understand the true meaning of love, in place of the mutual self-deceptions practiced by many couples that result in their divorcing.

On the basis of many divorce group-counseling sessions we've had, with both men and women present, we'd like to share with you the many ways in which these well-meaning, decent people trapped themselves into believing and practicing forms of love that really weren't authentic. Identifying and understanding these self-deceptions (which we'll call "masquerades") not only will help you understand what went wrong in your marriage, but will help you avoid these self-destructive patterns in the future.

Listed below are the seven predominant types of love masquerades that prevent divorced men and women from giving and receiving the love they want and need.

Self-Deceptions Masquerading as Love

1.The I-Will-Be-Loved-for-What-l-Can-Do-Not-for-Who-I-Am Masquerade

Here is a typical example of a couple's problem that is all too frequent in our society. Frank and Ellen, married for 12 years, are on the verge of breaking up. They're meeting with us in counseling to see what, if anything, can be salvaged from their relationship. "You don't love me anymore, or maybe you never did," Ellen complains.

Frank looks astounded. "How can you say that?" he says. "Look at the five-bedroom house we have, the Lexus, the swimming pool, the yearly vacations we take to Europe, the great clothes you wear, and the 12-hour days I put in at the office so our kids could go to the best college. I did it all for you -- if that isn't love, I don't know what is."

Ellen replied angrily, "You still don't get it -- I want you to hug me, to kiss me, to make love to me instead of the business telephone you're always on. Our children never see you, so they think you don't love them because you give them presents instead of spending time with them. Don't you understand that tenderness and affection are more important to me than making a buck? I want the old Frank back, the Frank I thought I married. You were so different then."

Somewhere along the way, Frank had come to believe that his career and bank account were the most important things in his life -- that they actually defined who he was. Deep down, he thought he had to pay for his family's love. Eventually, he began to believe that they should be paying for his "love" too, by serving as appropriate status symbols, and he treated them accordingly.

Ellen shared her experience in her divorce-counseling group, because Frank never understood that no person can make another person lovable. Frank had to do this for himself, but he had refused further counseling to eliminate his self-defeating behavior, so Ellen initiated her divorce. "I've since learned," Ellen told her divorce group, "to be more assertive and communicate more directly in my relationships with men. Frank inhibited me, but I now see that I let myself be inhibited, so I really can't blame him for not communicating better."

2.The I-Will-Be-Loved-As-a-Man-lf-I-Pretend-to-Be-lnvulnerable Masquerade

Our society tends to stereotype men into feeling that they can only be lovable if they are always in charge of their lives. This "John Wayne syndrome" is frequently evidenced in clients who come for counseling.

For example, Ron and Amy, a couple in their late 30s, have been married for ten years. Ron tells us he can't understand why Amy insisted he come with her to talk about their marriage. But Amy says, "He's been driving me crazy in all of the ten years we've been married. He never tells me what he's feeling. Oh, yes, he'll talk about politics, TV, or the stock market, but whenever I see him looking sad, anxious, or detached, and ask him about it, he always replies, 'It's nothing, I'm fine.' Well, the last straw happened last week. Recently, he had been moody and depressed when he came home from work, but he wouldn't say anything. It was like pulling teeth, but I just found out from him that he's been worried because there have been rumors that the company he works for might be merged out of existence, and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to worry me. My God! For two months, I tortured myself every day. I thought he was actually having an affair because we didn't have sex once during the past two months. He's like a blank page. I'm tired of trying to guess all the time what it is he's really feeling." She then turned to Ron and said, "Do you think I wouldn't love you anymore if you were unemployed? I would love you if you shared your fears, and, yes, even if you cried about it, and asked for my help."

But Ron was too "proud" to change, and their marriage tore apart.

3.The Love-Is-a-Possession Masquerade

When a person feels unworthy of being loved, he or she tries to control the other person out of fear that that person would leave the relationship if left to his or her own free will. For example, Sherry and George, both in their late 20s, have been married for three years. Sherry says she is very much in love with George, and they have a monogamous relationship.

However, she is terribly jealous and has this compulsion to call her husband at his office (he's a lawyer) at least five or six times a day, which makes him angry because it interferes with his work. She says if she doesn't "check up on him," he might be attracted to someone else. She knows this is absurd behavior on her part, yet she continues to call him, to the detriment of their relationship. George says he has urged her to see us, since he feels he is being pushed over the edge by her unreasonable jealousy. "When I talk to another woman at a party, she's furious. I dearly love her, but she makes me feel like a little kid who has to account for every minute I'm not with her."

In counseling, Sherry told us that her father had always favored her younger sister over herself. She yearned for any crumb of affection he would give her. She had transferred the belief that she was unlovable to her relationship with George. "How could he possibly be in love with me -- any other woman can easily take him away from me," was what she told us she felt.

She was seeing George as if he were her father (since, like her father, he was the most important male figure in her life). She was acting as if she were the frightened, "unlovable" child she felt she once was; she had convinced herself that George would stay with her only if she watched him like a detective every minute of the day. Of course, watching him like that could only end the marriage rather than bring them closer together.

4.The Love-Means-I-Can't-Survive-on-My-Own Masquerade

When a person is insecure, he or she feels love means never being abandoned by one's partner -- even though this can create overreactions that can destroy a relationship. This happens more frequently than might be supposed.

For instance, Kate and David, married ten years, say they can't stand living together. David says she embarrasses him by screaming angrily in front of his staff (he's a sales manager selling recreational property leases). She visits him frequently for lunch at his worksite, where there is always a bench to lunch on. He says, "It always happens when our lunch date is interrupted by a member of my staff who needs me to solve an urgent business problem. That happens often and is part of my job. But she always blows her top, yelling in four-letter words that I don't give a damn about her since I make her wait around all the time while I tend to business. It's so embarrassing. I've told her again and again to stop making a public display -- it hurts me and makes my staff snicker. That's why we're here. It has to stop or I will leave our home for good."

We asked Kate if she ever acted this way before she was married. "Always," she replied. "My mother died when I was three, and my father married and divorced three times. I always felt ignored by him. I felt that my father, whom I adored, would leave me forever if he didn't return at the time he said he would, or even if he suddenly left the room to go to the toilet without telling me."

Children learn to bond with their primary caretaker from the moment they are born. Children need love, food, and nurturing in order to survive. When the primary caregiver is absent, the child feels abandoned. It takes a long, long time for the child to develop the ability to trust again, as Kate became aware of.

Sometimes, therapy can help a person with their overreactions and deep feelings of abandonment. But Kate came to counseling too late; her marriage ended because too many years of hurt in the relationship had eroded David's love for her.

5.The Love-Is-Competition Masquerade

In this masquerade, love means unconsciously placing your partner in competition with the image of that perfect love from a parent you may still have in your mind. Coming to terms with that parental image is the unfinished business that must be to accomplished if repeated breakups in relationships are to be prevented.

Unfinished business means that you have unresolved problems from the past that are disturbing the present situation. This happened to Carrie and her husband, Bob.

Carrie is a tense bank-operations officer who has just turned 40. Her husband, Bob, is in his mid-40's and is a software programmer. Bob complains, "Ever since we've been married -- that was five years ago -- she keeps picking on me. I get the feeling from Carrie that I can't do anything right. Although I'm very successful at work, Carrie never appreciates that. She never was that way before we were married. I don't know why she's changed. Maybe we should get a divorce like she's been threatening to do. She's been divorced three times before -- this will make it four in a row."

We then asked Carrie to tell us a bit about her parents and how she related to them when she was a child. Carrie got angry and said, "What's my childhood got to do with this? I had the best childhood in the world. My mother and father gave me everything, but now both are dead. My daddy was the perfect man."

We then asked, "Could it be possible that you have been looking for that perfect father in your husband?"

"Maybe there is a connection to my childhood after all,'' she said. "No one could be as perfect as my father, but there's no reason why my husband can't try to do better," she said defensively.

Carrie was still demanding to be indulged by her husband, insisting he play the role of her doting father. Too many years of her self-righteousness interfered with improving her marriage with Bob; she is now looking for a fifth husband.

6.The Love-As-a-Commitment-Anxiety Masquerade

For many people, love in these uncertain times becomes associated with disaster. The wonderful feeling of loving someone and being loved by that one special person becomes connected to the belief that the relationship is bound to fail; that love is simply a way-station on the road to a breakup or a divorce.

Recently, Michelle and Carl, a young couple in their mid-20s who had never been married before, came to see us because they were on the verge of breaking up. They had been living together in an agreed-upon monogamous relationship for the past year. Things were going so smoothly that they had decided to marry. However, three weeks before the date for their marriage, their relationship turned into hell on earth, Michelle told us. At that time, Michelle found a scribbled phone number of an old girlfriend of Carl's on a piece of paper that had "accidentally" fallen in a crack in the couch.

Michelle was furious, and when she confronted Carl with this "evidence," he acknowledged he had seen this ex-girlfriend recently and gone to bed with her. "But it had nothing to do with my love for you or our getting married. It was like my last night out as a bachelor." Michelle, on the other hand, saw it as a gross betrayal of trust: "If you do this now," she said, "what will prevent you from cheating on me after we marry?"

Carl's "betrayal" was typical of many men and women who find themselves fearful that marriage will cause a breakup rather than enhance the love between two people. Such men and women unconsciously create a breakup before they marry to prevent them from getting even more seriously hurt after the wedding.

That happened to Carl, whose upbringing explained why: his parents divorced when he was seven, and Carl was caught in the middle of painful divorce battles between his parents for four years. As a result, he had associated getting married with getting divorced. Remembering the excruciating pain he experienced from his parents' breakup, he had unconsciously vowed that this would never happen to him when he grew up. What better way to avoid the pain of divorce than not to get married! So Carl unconsciously created a scene where he "misplaced" his ex-girlfriend's phone number where Michelle could find it. But instead of protecting himself against experiencing the "pain" of committed love, he was creating a kind of unhappiness that would haunt him the rest of his life. Michelle could not get over her mistrust of Carl, and their marriage ended before it began.

We've seen this type of commitment anxiety take place after a marriage occurs as well as before. It is as if a person (like Carl) were two people instead of one: a part of him or her values and desires a happy marriage, yet another part of that person fears the very thing he/she wants so much. Their fear has triumphed over their love.

7.The Love-ls-an-lmplied-Bargain Masquerade

The belief that love means doing nice things for one's partner in expectation of an instant acknowledgment and return of the favor is another major misconception. Our counseling walls seem to echo with the common complaint a client will level at his or her spouse: "You never appreciate the things I do for you!"

John and Jeannine, married for seven years, both feel unappreciated and hurt. "Like last Saturday night when we went out," John says reproachfully to Jeannine. "I went to a lot of trouble getting a good table at the restaurant you like so much, and I had a hard time getting nice seats for the play you were so eager to see afterwards. You looked so great and smelled so good, all I wanted to do was make love to you when we came home. But no, you said, 'I'm too tired, not tonight, dear.' Not even saying you had a nice time! Not even thanking me! And rejecting my hugs and kisses!"

John had fallen victim to his belief that love meant "I-will-do-something-for-you-only-if-you-do-something-for-me-in-return." An offshoot of this attitude is making the fatal mistake of believing that "if-my-partner-loved-me-he/she-would-know-what-I'm-thinking-and-feeling." Love then evaporates into resentment-collecting. For love is not a commodity to be exchanged for another commodity of "equal" value. Love is not a business balance sheet where the bottom line is in red ink if you value the relationship only by what you get rather than freely give.

John is still busy today resentment-collecting, while his now-ex-wife Jeannine insists that for her love is a freely-given gift -- not a demand.

Recipes for disaster

Every one of our clients who made these or similar complaints had married for love, to the best of their understanding of what love meant. However, they had trapped themselves into believing that the masquerades of love they had practiced once they were married were the real thing, and holding onto those beliefs led to divorce rather than greater love. Every one of the examples quoted above is a recipe for disaster in a marriage.

A creative divorce begins with self-empowerment. You can't improve your life after divorce without taking personal responsibility for making positive things happen when you become single. Consequently, if you find yourself still believing in any of the love "masquerades" noted above, you must take personal responsibility for avoiding them when you begin dating again; otherwise, any new relationship is likely to repeat the "dead end" of your previous marriage.

Should you see recurrences of this kind of self-defeating behavior, and you find it difficult to expunge them on your own, the healthiest and best way to overcome them is to seek out a psychotherapist who specializes in divorce-related issues, or join a divorce counseling group of men and women who are experiencing similar concerns about their relationships. Both types of help are available nationwide -- all you have to do is take on the responsibility for finding them in your community.

The Meaning of Authentic Love

The divorces we noted above resulted from couples becoming trapped by one of the seven masquerades of love. Their divorces could have been avoided if these couples had been aware of their self-defeating actions and then wished to change them into an authentic love relationship. Authentic love means practicing being kind teachers and receptive students to each other. It recognizes that all of us on earth are potentials in the present and future rather than finished products. Bringing out the very best in each other, validating who we are and might become is at the very heart of authentic love. We have much to learn from each other in terms of kindness, courtesy, self-improvement, and the ability to prevail over the tragedies in life as well as in the creation of our successful moments.

Divorce gives you a second chance to rethink the meaning of love and learn why the love you once thought you would have forever evaporated after you were married. Such love was bound to disappear, since it was based on a perishable masquerade substitute for authentic love. When paired with "authentic," "love" is an action word. To say to a person "I love you" is meaningless unless it is demonstrated in appropriate deeds. It means practicing the belief that you and your partner are true equals in a relationship; that you respect each other as separate individuals and also are interdependent; that you delight in and support each other's growth as separate individuals, since that enhances your relationship rather than diminishing it; that your love is based on total trust, which means it is a gratuitous gift two people give to each other. If the pain of your divorce leads you to this conclusion, you will be well on your way to making your new life a creative experience instead of a rerun of the past.

This article has been edited and excerpted from The New Creative Divorce by Mel Krantzler, Ph.D., and Patricia Biondi Krantzler, M.A. The directors of the Creative Divorce, Love & Marriage Counseling Center in San Rafael, CA, the Krantzlers show you how to turn your pain into positive growth, offering advice on how to adapt to the changes engendered by divorce; preserve a relationship with your children; and develop healthy, satisfying romantic relationships post-divorce.

After the papers have been signed at your family lawyer's office in Pasadena, after the tears and anger have slowed and after the sleepless nights relent, it's time to decide to be happy. Happiness makeovers after a divorce are a crucial part of your recovery and moving on. Living in the past or allowing yourself to continue to be filled with regret or pain are surefire ways to not bounce back and attract new wonders in our lives. But how do we recover from divorce while pursuing happiness?

Author of the Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin, says the classic advice we've always received may in fact hold the keys to unlocking happiness. Eating when we're hungry, getting more sleep and exercising more, says Rubin, are tried and true ways to make you feel happier. The writer and former lawyer says that being the bigger person in tricky emotional interactions is another way achieves happiness. She noticed a change in her own relationship with her husband after she stopped voicing every petty annoyance. By resisting the urge to unload negativity on her husband, Rubin says that her relationship as well as her mood became notably better.

Others like author and popular blogger Leo Babauta believe post-divorce happiness can be achieved by changing your habits. Babauta recommends replacing negative habits with empowering ones. Walking, writing in a journal, drinking tea and reading can become positive habits that change our daily lives. He notes new habits should be cherished and not dreaded. It is often as simple as changing our minds when it comes to habits.

"When you actually do the habit, you're happy and the overall experience is positive. That's a habit that is much more likely to stick," says Babauta.

In the end, our chances of being happy after a life-changing and often traumatic event like a divorce depends on the decisions we make to achieve a more fun and peaceful life. Being happy doesn't happen overnight and takes nurturing.

"Happiness is elusive, always just out of reach," Rubin notes. "That's why it's important to have a feeling of progress, of growth and change for the better."

Zig-a-zig uh oh. Former Spice Girl Melanie Brown/aka Mel B/aka Scary Spice could be seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, but so far she's keeping quiet. Rumors of a split from producer husband Stephen Belafonte hit the online rags this week and sent international gossip hounds into a frenzy. Yet despite reports, Brown thus far has kept silent and the pair even has been spotted together at Hollywood hotspots. So what's the real story? Are they or aren't they divorcing?

Rumors of the break-up appeared to be legit as the Sunday Mirror reported over the weekend that Belafonte contacted a reporter from the paper personally to announce that he and Brown had broken up. Allegedly, Belafonte told the reporter that Brown would be returning to London without him. A friend of Brown's told the Sunday Mirror, "They have not been happy for a long time..." Word of the story exploded online; by Monday morning, it would appear that Brown and Belafonte were just another celebrity couple destined for the history books.

What a difference a day makes! Brown, who normally is very candid and chatty on her Twitter account, recently has posted nothing but silly photos along with zero personal information. Her people have insisted that the couple is still very happily married, while her friends have come out of the woodwork to defend the marriage. Some are saying the rumors are little more than a publicity stunt for Brown's new reality show, set to premiere on the Style network in a matter of days.

Whether Brown and Belafonte actually are splitting up remains to be seen. The singer/actress is set to do publicity for her new show in the coming weeks. Mel B is no stranger to relationship woes as she battled a very public paternity case with actor Eddie Murphy over their daughter Angel Iris in 2007. Later that year, Brown married Belafonte, who also manages her career.

Advice From Judge Lynn Toler

So you are done. The divorce decree has been finalized, you and your former spouse have gone your separate ways and you won't have to deal with them anymore... that is, of course, unless you have "long term business" with your ex. Long term business encompasses all of the things the final decree obligates you to do after it has been issued. Things like child visitation, support, custody as well as spousal maintenance.

The effects of the orders in the decree can go on for years, especially if you have children together. The problem is the court can only decide who should do what based upon the circumstances as they exist at the time the decree is issued. And while the court can anticipate some predictable changes such as a child turning 18, it cannot predict the future.

Here are some common issues people run into after a decree is entered:

• The spouse who has custody of the children moves out of town
• One spouse remarries or cohabitates
• A spouse undergoes employment changes: the loss of a job, retirement or health care benefits
• A supported spouse becomes self sufficient after the divorce.

So the question is: if something unexpected happens, are you wedded to the terms of your divorce decree? The answer is: your Final Divorce Decrees can be modified, however, it depends upon the terms of the decree itself, the nature of the change that you believe makes modification necessary and in the U.S., the law in your state.

Of course, it is easiest if you both agree on what needs to be changed. Let's say the primary custodial parent's work situation changes and they begin to travel a lot and will be unavailable to the children for extended periods of time. It would be ideal if both parents can agree to a change in custody or visitation to allow the children to spend more time with the spouse who is at home. However, your mutual agreement is not enough, you MUST go to court and file a joint or stipulated request for modification to formalize the change.

If one spouse is seeking a change that their ex does not agree to, that party can still petition the court for modification. This is not unusual. In fact, there are lawyers who specialize in divorce decree modification.

In the U.S., each state's divorce laws are different, and most states will only modify a decree if change in circumstances is considered "substantial" or "significant and material." Some states even demand the petitioner to prove "extreme hardship" before modification will be granted. Consequently, if your ex received a simple 5% raise or a one-time bonus, a court will be unlikely to change your spousal support order.

Under the right circumstances a support order can be increased, decreased, extended or terminated. Custody or visitation arrangements can be altered with the best interests of the child in mind.

Keep in mind that even if you do have a substantial change in circumstances the terms of the divorce decree itself can restrict your ability to modify it. This occurs more typically with spousal support. Unless jurisdiction to award support has been reserved, post judgment spousal support is often limited by the stated duration of the decree. Moreover, if the decree does not provide for any spousal support and does not specifically maintain or reserve jurisdiction over the issue, then that door may be closed forever.

As always, make sure you know the applicable law and the procedure where you live.

Judge Lynn Toler, a graduate of Harvard and The University of Pennsylvania Law School, served as a municipal court judge for eight years. She presides over the courtroom on the nationally syndicated television show Divorce Court. She is also the author of My Mother's Rules: A Practical Guide to Becoming an Emotional Genius, and co-author of Put it in Writing: Creating Agreements Between Family and Friends.

By Deborah Morris Coryell

How many times have we heard someone say, after a profound loss: "I feel like I'm dreaming. I feel as if I am going to wake up and none of this will have happened." I hear this when any kind of deep loss has been encountered -- whether it be the death of a beloved, a relationship, a job, or a dream. It is one of the ways we have of protecting ourselves from being overwhelmed by the intensity of the loss.

We need time to reconstitute ourselves after a loss. Not only has there been a death of someone or something in our life, but we too have died a death. It is not only the person, place, or thing with whom we had the relationship that is no longer present, but the person we thought ourselves to be is also gone. We need time to think and feel and be in this world without what we have come to identify as ordinary reality.

Loss defies us to remain complacent. It challenges us to see whether we are still the person we believed we were before this moment. Does the loss of this person or this aspect of our lives mean that we are no longer who we thought we were? How often have I heard the cry in the face of loss: "I don't know who I am anymore!" This loss has brought us to the very edge of the world and we're not sure on which side of the divide we want to be. While we're deciding, we're living in a non-ordinary reality. Hence this feeling of being in a dream. Ordinary reality blurs the boundaries between past, present, and future. In non-ordinary reality, how we see, think, and feel is unfamiliar. What we believed would not or could not happen has happened. What else is subject to change? What can we trust? What are the beliefs that will stand up to these changing times? How many times have we heard someone say, after a profound loss: "I feel like I'm dreaming. I feel as if I am going to wake up and none of this will have happened." I hear this when any kind of deep loss has been encountered -- whether it be the death of a beloved, a relationship, a job, or a dream. It is one of the ways we have of protecting ourselves from being overwhelmed by the intensity of the loss.

We need time to reconstitute ourselves after a loss. Not only has there been a death of someone or something in our life, but we too have died a death. It is not only the person, place, or thing with whom we had the relationship that is no longer present, but the person we thought ourselves to be is also gone. We need time to think and feel and be in this world without what we have come to identify as ordinary reality.

Loss defies us to remain complacent. It challenges us to see whether we are still the person we believed we were before this moment. Does the loss of this person or this aspect of our lives mean that we are no longer who we thought we were? How often have I heard the cry in the face of loss: "I don't know who I am anymore!" This loss has brought us to the very edge of the world and we're not sure on which side of the divide we want to be. While we're deciding, we're living in a non-ordinary reality. Hence this feeling of being in a dream. Ordinary reality blurs the boundaries between past, present, and future. In non-ordinary reality, how we see, think, and feel is unfamiliar. What we believed would not or could not happen has happened. What else is subject to change? What can we trust? What are the beliefs that will stand up to these changing times?

When reality begins to shift, we slow down and start asking questions. Stop, look, listen. Those three words we were taught when we first set out to explore the world alone still apply. When we find ourselves on unfamiliar turf, we need to stop. We need to look for signs that will give us the information we need to continue on our path. "Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find." Listen. What are you hearing? More questions than answers, like as not. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke exhorted us: "Live the questions now!" What are the central questions of loss? A Buddhist teacher lies dying. His students are gathered around him weeping and wondering what they will do after he is gone. Laughing, the Roshi asks, "Where am I going?"

Loss cuts us off from all of our habitual ways of thinking, and just being is exhausting. Questioning tires us out and takes so much time. Grief awakens us to a new sense of time. Suddenly, we have a relationship to time that is disconcerting and demanding. Time, which was a more or less predictable progression of events, now separates us from what we feel has been lost. We struggle to cross and recross that moment of time before the loss and after the loss. Often, we find ourselves sleeping a great deal. This is one of the body's great healings. Sleep. Even Shakespeare understood this: "Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care." Time and the time healing requires cannot be circumvented. Just as we cannot pull on the grass to make it grow, we can't manipulate the time it will take each of us to heal.

In sleep, we encounter what tribal cultures call the "Dream Time," which is a space of deep inner healing. To the dreamer, the dream is absolutely real. In the days, weeks, and months following a loss, we dream about that loss. Many of us don't know how to remember our dreams or are afraid of what we might recall. Whether we remember our dreams or not, they are bringing us back into connection with what or whom we are missing. We awaken from those dreams with a deep sense of well-being having visited with a part of our lives we thought lost to us forever. Contrary to what we might fear, dreaming about something or someone we are missing fills a very real need in our psyche. When Marsha dreams about Joel, she always reports feeling happy, satisfied, and as if she had received a gift with the visit. Even if it is a disturbing dream, she has spent time with her son.

Dreams are gifts to be enjoyed on many levels; once we decide we are interested in our dreams, we usually begin to remember them. Setting aside extra time for rest and sleep is important when we are grieving. Too often, well-meaning family, friends, and colleagues want us to keep busy and keep moving as if that will keep us safe from our pain. It won't. The only thing to keep us safe from our pain is the pain itself. "Learn how to suffer and you shall be able not to suffer." We might as well make time and room for our pain. When we set aside time to reflect quietly, time to allow our pain to talk to us, we let our grief take us where it will. We contain the grief within so that when it jumps out at us, we can say quietly, "Not now. We will have our time tonight or this afternoon." Knowing when you will sit with your grief allows you to choose a place of comfort, a safe haven.

Sometimes we fall, like Alice, down the rabbit hole. One minute we're sitting at our desks and the next moment we're plunged down into an abyss so deep and dark we fear we'll never get out. We've crossed over into non-ordinary reality again. Stop -- breathe. Look -- where are you (emotionally)? Listen -- what are you hearing? There is wisdom in taking time-out after a profound loss in order to stop all ordinary activity and live in this non-ordinary time and space. There is wisdom in taking the time to share your story and talk about what you are experiencing with family and friends. There is wisdom in marking this loss because it is yours and will be yours as long as you live. The more time we give to this journey, the more potential we have for healing through our loss so that the best of what was continues on in us.

I remember hiking with my friend Patricia the day after our friend Harvey died. We were in the Catalina Mountains outside of Tucson in late spring. We hiked silently for a long time. I was vividly aware of light, colors, smells, and shapes. I felt that life had suddenly come much more vividly into focus, almost as if I were in a drug-induced state. Was it because we were touching the edge between two world: our world and the world into which our friend "crossed over" -- the unknown realm? We too were experiencing an unknown realm; the realm in which both our friend and an important part of our ordinary lives was changing form.

I have heard Wm. Brugh Joy, M.D., speak of scientists who, by measuring sound vibrations, know that the caterpillar in the cocoon is shrieking! Screaming in pain as its body changes form from the caterpillar -- a lowly creature, in most senses -- to the beloved and beautiful butterfly. The butterfly is used in many traditions as a symbol of transformation and especially transmutation through death. Yet, in our highly romanticized versions, we do not acknowledge the transformation as a painful process. Painful, but not fatal. Reassure yourself that, like Alice in Wonderland, you have fallen through a rabbit hole into a totally different reality. Things look the same, but they aren't. They sound the same, but the aren't. You don't recognize yourself. You aren't crazy -- you're in an unfamiliar landscape. And there you need to trust yourself and your instincts just as if you were lost. Send out flares and stay put. Help is on its way.

This article has been excerpted from Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss by Deborah Morris Coryell . The co-founder of The Shiva Foundation -- an organization dedicated to education and support for those dealing with loss -- Coryell offers the wisdom gleaned from working in the field for more than 25 years in short, manageable chapters. Good Grief guides you through and beyond the suffering associated with the loss of a love -- whether that loss is through death or divorce.

When you're negotiating your divorce settlement, preparation is the key to success. Are you really ready to negotiate your future?

By Henry S. Gornbein and Fadi Baradihi, CFPª, ChFC, CLU, CDFA

During the course of your marriage, you accumulated both assets and liabilities. Although there are regional differences when it comes to who gets what, basically, everything purchased, received, or saved during your marriage must be divided when you divorce. So now you're about to sit down and negotiate a financial settlement with your ex -- but are you truly ready to do so?

As with any negotiation, preparation -- including a thorough understanding of the situation, as well as assistance from professionals to ensure your interests are being protected -- is the key to success. Here are a few questions you need to be able to answer before sitting down to negotiate.

Do you know what your marital assets are?

You can't divide the marital assets fairly if you don't know what's there. The discovery process, which can be informal or formal, is important in every divorce. The informal way is to exchange lists of your assets and debts in an affidavit form. This method should only be used if you are sure that you know everything that exists in your estate; if you're not sure, then a more formal means of discovery should be utilized. One such method is called "interrogatories," in which each lawyer has their client list, under oath, information about assets, liabilities, and income. This process provides everyone involved with a complete economic picture before starting negotiations. In some cases where more discovery is needed, depositions are taken. Depositions are statements under oath with a court reporter present.

What if there's a business or professional practice involved?

A business or professional practice tends to complicate a divorce. More often than not, the value of the business becomes a focal point of contention. Couples need to seriously consider getting a professional and objective valuation of the business. The costs of a professional valuation are usually steep, but you can't divide something fairly if you don't know its true worth.

Then comes the question of what to do with the business. There are a few options, such as:

• One spouse keeps the business and gives the other a reciprocal dollar value using other assets.
• Sell the business and split the proceeds.
• Keep ownership in the business at 50/50.

In a business-owner situation, the business is usually most or all of their net worth, so there aren't enough other assets to compensate the other spouse. Even if selling the business is an option (it usually isn't), finding a buyer to pay the right price within an acceptable time frame is practically impossible. Most divorcing couples don't want to maintain a relationship -- not even a business relationship -- after the divorce. So what do you do? The only real options are a property settlement note (one spouse buys the other's share in a series of installment payments at a market-interest rate) or a spousal-support arrangement to compensate for the difference.

What about a budget?

It is critical to determine the incomes and expenses of the parties and to try to estimate what the future expenses will be after the divorce is final. If there are children, one spouse will probably pay child support to the other, and in many marriages, one spouse will also pay spousal support ("alimony"). It is important to determine both income levels and future needs before you start negotiations. A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) can play a critical role in determining both a budget and cash-flow needs. A CDFA can also help to plan a course of action for the future by preparing different scenarios utilizing assumptions based upon needs and projections with different income levels.

What about pensions?

In many divorces, the most valuable assets are future benefits such as pensions. These must all be determined and considered before starting to think about a settlement. In most cases, the marital portion of these benefits -- in other words, the portion of the pension or other deferred benefits that have been acquired during the marriage -- are subject to division as part of the divorce settlement. A good lawyer and CDFA will help you consider these benefits as part of the overall settlement plan, making sure your future needs will be met.

What about personal property?

Personal property is important, but don't spend thousands of dollars fighting over property with more sentimental than real value. Items such as collectables, favorite home furnishings (from chairs to rugs to pots and pans), hobby equipment, and other personal property must not become the focus of your negotiations. A good lawyer and/or financial advisor can help you gain perspective on these items and focus on the big picture when you're getting ready to negotiate a settlement. Remember that an expensive television or computer has almost no value a few years after you made that big-ticket purchase. The courts don't look at replacement value but the actual value of the item, which, in the case of used furniture, is often garage-sale prices.

Are you emotionally attached to your home?

Over the years, we have seen people who were determined to stay in the marital home no matter what. In some cases, that can be a big mistake. First of all, it may be too expensive to maintain. In some situations, it's better to sell the home and find another one that's smaller and less expensive to pay for and maintain. As you move ahead and rebuild your life, it may be better to start fresh in another home. Aside from the financial considerations, there may be too many memories attached to the marital home to let you move forward emotionally as long as you're still living there.

There are several ways to handle a marital home:

• It can be sold immediately.
• One spouse can buy the other out by refinancing the home or by trading the home for other property.
• Both parties can hold it jointly for a number of years -- for instance, until the parent who has custody of the children remarries, or the children reach a certain age -- after which the home is sold and the proceeds divided in some fashion. In many cases, the party who remains in the home pays the mortgage and taxes and gets credit for any reduction in principal on the mortgage from the date of the divorce until the date that the home is sold or one party buys the other out. Major repairs are often divided between the parties with the person who advances the money for repairs being repaid at the time of the closing on sale or buyout of the home.

What do you want -- and why?

You must have a game plan when you enter into settlement negotiations. Do you know what you want? Do you know what you need? Are you thinking about all options? Are you being realistic in your demands? It is standard negotiating practice to ask for more than you expect to receive -- without going to extremes. Don't be a doormat, but don't be excessively greedy, either. Insoluble disagreements arise when divorcing couples are negotiating based on wants rather than needs. So take the time to objectively determine your own needs -- and those of your spouse -- before starting to negotiate. We have found over the years that if your demands are reasonable and based more on needs than wants, then the chances for a quick, fair settlement are good. There must be give-and-take and wiggle-room in your settlement proposals; your lawyer and financial advisor can help you strategize and come up with different game plans and scenarios as you prepare for this negotiation.

The bottom line

You must be well represented and advised in order to negotiate effectively. This includes knowing the "ingredients" of the marital pie, and also how much of that pie you can realistically expect to keep as you prepare to negotiate your settlement.

A team consisting of a lawyer and a CDFA -- and perhaps a therapist if emotional issues are getting in your way -- can help understand your needs, your rights, and your true "bottom line" before you sit down to negotiate with your spouse.

Divorce is one of the most difficult and stressful experiences you'll ever have. During this emotional time, it can be hard to think clearly or rationally, so make sure to enlist the help of professionals who can guide you when you've lost your way.

Remember, if both sides are somewhat unhappy with the outcome, then the negotiations went well.