Recent Blog Posts in February 2011

It is a political trend divorce attorneys in Pasadena have seen brewing for quite some time: divorce reform bills. For the last couple of years, a variety of divorce reform acts have been purposed by politicians and lawmakers across the country. Yet just as this trend has gained momentum, two high-profile divorce bills on the ballots in two very different states have been defeated.

In Montana, Republican lawmaker Tom McGillvray proposed a bill that would require divorcing couples to attend seven meetings with a counselor. McGillvray says divorce is damaging a generation of children and thinks counseling could save marriages. Opponents of the bill, however, believe the bill was overstepping its bounds and interfering with the private lives of voters.

"I don't want you telling me what I can and can't do in my married life," argued Democratic Rep. Edie McClafferty. "I'm sure not going to tell anyone what they can and can't do in their married life. Last time I heard, we lived in a free country, people can make their own decisions.

McGillvray’s bill died on the house floor in a 60-40 vote.

Down south in Mississippi, a very different kind of divorce bill also was shot down. The house said "no, thank you" to a bill that would have given a spouse grounds for divorce if they have been away from an abusive situation for five years or longer. Backers of the bill say the bill would have made it easier for victims of abuse to file for divorce after fleeing an abusive situation from a spouse who woudn’t grant them a divorce. The bill had passed earlier in the Senate but was defeated last Thursday on a vote of 81-39. Mississippi law currently allows an abandoned spouse to file for divorce but doesn’t address when one spouse leaves but is denied a divorce by the other spouse.

“My career destroyed my marriage” is a common complaint heard bydivorce lawyers in Pasadena. In fact, demanding jobs are often cited by divorcees as one of the primary factors as to why their marriage didn’t work out. But here in Los Angeles, sometimes it’s the child’s career in show business that causes the family to break apart. Billy Ray Cyrus told GQ Magazine this week that his daughter Miley’s super stardom on the Disney hit show Hannah Montana “destroyed my family.”

Cyrus, who played Miley’s dad on the show and experienced a career revival because of Hannah Montana’s success, says if he had the chance to do it all over again, he'd turn down the opportunity.

"I hate to say it, but yes… I'd take it back in a second," he told GQ. "For my family to be here and just everybody be OK, safe and sound and happy and normal, would have been fantastic. Heck, yeah. I'd erase it all in a second if I could."

Not too terribly surprising after the very public dramas the Cyrus clan has been through over the past few months. First Billy Ray and his wife Tish filed for divorce last November. A few weeks later, amidst rumors of the newly eighteen-year-old Miley spiraling out of control, photos and a video surfaced that featured Miley smoking hallucinogenic herb salvia with a bong.

After months of silence and public speculation, Papa Cyrus has decided to speak out.

"Oh, it's huge — it destroyed my family," he told the magazine, referring to Hannah Montana. "I'll tell you right now — the damn show destroyed my family."

In the interview, he also said that he fears for his daughter and feels like he has been unfairly blamed for her behavior.

"I'm scared for her," he said. "She's got a lot of people around her that's putting her in a great deal of danger. I know she's 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I'd like to try to help. Take care of her just a little bit, to at least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm. Stop the insanity just for a minute. When you go through what she's been through, it takes a beating on you. And there comes a point where you just got to step back."

If every couple in Southern California filed for divorce each time their partner wore a skimpy or sexy outfit, family attorneys in Pasadena would certainly be busy. Thankfully that is not the case in the United States, but in India, a spouse dressing inappropriately actually is considered grounds for divorce.

In a divorce case that made news around the globe, a man in India was recently granted a divorce after he filed paperwork which stated a dress his wife wore during their honeymoon caused the groom “mental cruelty.” District judge Manmohan Sharma ruled, “Cruelty includes not only physical but mental cruelty as well. Ostensibly, she (the wife) has indulged in bloating falsehood beyond proportions.” Sharma accepted the man’s plea that he suffered mental agony caused by his wife’s fashion choices since their honeymoon. According to the husband’s official court paperwork, "During their honeymoon, she dressed herself in a very vulgar manner and when he asked her to change the dress she retorted that she had dressed herself that way to be noticed by at least 50 people.”

The “vulgar” clothing worn on the honeymoon and after were acts of retaliation, according to the man — and the judge agreed. In his ruling, he stated, “She has gone to the extent of conspiring with her parents to teach the petitioner and his family a lesson. The nature of cruelty suffered by the petitioner is partly physical and predominantly mental. So, it is held that he has been treated with cruelty by the respondent after solemnization of their marriage.”

The man was granted a divorce and, shockingly, the wife could be facing criminal charges.

Like most people seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, Scott Dole had certain assets he wanted to protect when he was breaking up with his wife, Carrie. Unlike most people, however, Dole is a big winner from the long-running game show, Wheel of Fortune. The Canada man’s divorce is currently making headlines because his show winnings currently are at stake in his complicated divorce.

Scott received a congratulations letter several weeks later that stated he would appear on Wheel of Fortune as a contestant during Pet Lovers Week. The Doles traveled to Culver City, CA, to film the show and that’s when trouble in the marriage started up again. According to Scott Dole, the couple did not speak at all on the day of filming after days of arguing. Carrie and Scott did not speak to one another until after the show was over and he had won when Carrie went to congratulate him.

Carrie again filed for divorce a month later. Yet this time Carrie asked that the earnings from Wheel of Fortune be placed into a trust until the divorce was finalized. The money was placed in escrow at a local bank and has sat there ever since. Scott Dole claims that Carrie has no right to the winnings since the marriage was essentially over at the time of the game show.

Carrie claims she has no money to pay her bills and needs a portion of the winnings to make ends meet. In Canada, like in the United States, income earned during the marriage, whether it was on the rocks or not, is still community property. Yet legal experts say there could be loopholes in Canadian law which distinguishes prize money from income. It will be up to a judge to decide the fate of Scott’s game show winnings when the divorce goes to trial in Vancouver on May 2^nd.

Over the past four years, family attorneys in Pasadena have seen dozens of couples break up because of money problems, unemployment and housing foreclosure. There’s no doubt that the economic downturn of 2007 through 2009 has been tough on marriages, but that's not true of all marriages. Indeed, a new survey says some couples have grown closer during these times of financial insecurity.

The results of the “Survey of Marital Generosity,” conducted by researchers at the University of Virginia on behalf of the school’s National Marriage project, were released this week with interesting results. The survey interviewed 1,197 married Americans between the ages of 18 and 45. Nearly 30 percent of the participating couples said that they experienced financial stress caused by the recession. Education played a part in economic and marital problems, too; participants without college degrees were prone to more economic hardships and admitted more frequently that they felt they were at high risk of divorce compared to the participants with college degrees. Still, regardless of education status, the report found that the more financial problems people faced, the more likely they were to admit they were at risk for divorce.

University of Virginia sociologist and survey author Bradford Wilcox describes this finding as a “silver lining” of the recession. Also good news, according to Wilcox, is that 38 percent of married individuals who were considering divorce before the recession had postponed breaking up.

If you’re seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, it doesn't matter what sex you are. Male or female, divorce is filled with emotional extremes and financial stresses. New reports, however, suggest that the divorce process is tougher on women than it is on men. With childcare responsibilities and fewer financial resources, modern women of divorce are still faced with challenges that their male counterparts are unlikely to encounter.

According to a report from Marie Claire magazine, a woman’s overall quality of life drops 45 percent after a divorce. Another study from Iowa State University’s Institute of Social and Behavioral research found that while divorce didn’t immediately affect a woman’s physical health, the effects on her mental health caused physical problems a decade after divorce. Social isolation and fewer job opportunities after divorce, according to the study, could be responsible for illness reported ten years later. Psychologists attribute stress as the cause of health issues after a divorce.

"It's very, very traumatic... they are so attached to the commitment. The forever of two lives is being upset, and all dreams and hopes, everything that you have thought about since childhood is lost. Even people who are very functioning are surprised at how hard it is just to do their daily activities," says Allison Pescosolido, a grief counselor and cofounder of Divorce Detox, a divorce recovery program for women.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, women are likely to respond to life-changing events like divorce in ways that prolong the stress and increase the risk for depression. Others say divorced women’s quality of life decreases financially because of the need for a clean break from their exes. Lawyer and author Stacy Schneider says women commonly make the big mistake of “wimping out” when it comes to protecting their finances and property and later pay the price. Most divorced women take on additional parenting responsibilities, which also lead to a more challenging daily life.

But there is hope for women who are divorcing. Not only do programs like Divorce Detox and trips to qualified therapists and counselors help, but the experience of divorce can help change a woman’s perspective.

"When I went through my divorce I was devastated," says divorced mom "Susan B" in an e-mail to ABCNews.com. "My children were 13 and 15. I had to sell my house and move to another town. My kids had to switch schools. But with all that being said, we are much better off. We have grown to appreciate things a whole lot more. Yes, we struggled, but we are stronger for it today."

Divorce lawyers in Pasadena have seen many a couple that, in the midst of an epic never-ending divorce, look like they could really use a vacation. In India, one man has taken the need for healing and relaxation and turned it into a tourism package for couples on the verge of breaking up.

Vijesh Thakkar is the owner of KV Tours, a travel company in Mumbai. Thakkar created a new travel package, Divorce Tourism, after watching the painful break-up of his best friend’s marriage. Thakkar believes his company can help married couples whose relationships are in trouble. He also undoubtedly noticed that divorce in India has been on the rise for the last two years. Experts cite urbanization, women's newfound economic independence and increasingly western attitudes toward marriage as some of the reasons for the rise in divorce.

The idea behind the Divorce Tourism packages is simple: Thakkar had seen what a difference a relaxing vacation had made in the lives of non-divorcing couples and knew it could work for couples with marital woes, as well. To insure peace and harmony, Thakkar added the option of a tour guide to the packages. The tour guide, in reality, is a marital counselor who helps the couples with communication problems for the duration of the tour.

India, however, has not thoroughly embraced the idea of psychotherapy, and divorce, although on the rise, still carries a lot of shame for many Indians. Therefore, many times the vacation, the tour guide and the trip’s true purpose are carefully veiled for the participants. Thakkar's business is booming and his happy couples have raved about his unique service.

Would such an idea work here in the United States? It's hard to say. But, as Massachusetts attorney and mediator Laurie Israel says, "Most marriages are killed by a litany of petty unresolved arguments, unrealistic expectations and overemphasis on unimportant disputes. For these spouses, ‘Divorce Tourism’ may be a fruitful alternative to a visit to a divorce attorney's office."

Sometimes the most surprising statistics come from the most unsuspected places. A recent survey from the University of Iowa found the divorce rate among conservative Christians to be unusually high. Family attorneys in Pasadena were surprised to hear this little tidbit, since conservative Christians are usually the ones most likely to champion the sanctity of marriage. Not as surprising, the study also found divorce to be exceptionally high among younger couples.

Jennifer Glass, a sociology professor at the University of Iowa, presented the findings of her study last week at the University of Texas at Austin last week.

“Politically- and religiously-conservative states, especially in the Deep South, exhibit higher divorce rates than politically- and religiously-liberal states in the Northeast and Midwest,” Glass said.

Glass believes the phenomenon can be attributed to the early marriages that young conservative Christians practice. (The average age of American women getting married is 27 while the average age in conservative Christians is 24, Glass noted.) The very beliefs conservatives have, like prohibiting sex before marriage and not believing in abortion, could be the ideas that lead to earlier trips down the aisle — and to more frequent divorce court visits. "Shotgun" weddings — unions among younger couples — are highly prevalent in conservative states. Younger couples, regardless of religious beliefs, are found to divorce more due to issues like financial problems caused by lack of education and increased unemployment, Glass says.

Glass believes the ideals of religious communities affect the marrying practices of not only church members but of others exposed to it. Societal pressure like watching their friends marry at young ages causes young women to marry earlier, the study noted.

“You’ve got a local religious culture that involves everyone — whether they share that religion or not — to behave in particular ways,” Glass said.

Every day, we hear about the high divorce rates, and how much money it costs to divorce. However, we rarely hear of how divorce can affect your credit score, and your ability to borrow as an individual (separate from your spouse).

Most couples are tied to each other through joint credit cards, mortgages and bank accounts. But with a separation or divorce, couples need to re-establish themselves as "financial individuals," and the right time to do that is when they first separate. At that time, both parties most likely need to create a new financial identity in order to access some type of credit to start their new life.

Your Credit Report

First, let's ask: what is a Credit Report? Most of us have never thought to request a copy of our Credit Report. This document gives you an overview of: your personal information; employment information; banking information; credit history; payment history; public record data; and collection data. It gives you a good picture of your financial liabilities, and how well you're doing in living up to those obligations and paying your creditors on a regular basis. Assessing your Credit Report is especially important if you're not the spouse who takes care of the household finances, or if you're not the primary owner of the debt. You may be surprised by the credit cards and loans that are in your name.

You obtain your Credit Reports from credit bureaus. In Canada, there are two major credit bureaus: TransUnion (www.transunion.ca) and Equifax ( www.equifax.ca).In the US, there are three: TransUnion ( www.transunion.com), Equifax ( www.equifax.com) and Experian ( www.experian.com). Lenders use these reports to determine if an individual is a good risk, or in simpler terms, it tells them if individuals have the financial capacity to repay their debt. Real estate companies and prospective employers may also use the report to decide if an individual is a good risk for home ownership or employment.

Your Credit Report and Divorce

I'm sure some of your biggest fears revolve around the financial connection between you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse. As soon as you begin the separation process, consult with your legal advisor and financial advisor to determine the best way to handle your current financial situation, and to protect your rights as part of your divorce. Without the proper protection in place, your finances may be adversely affected for years. Here is some general advice:

• Pay off any joint debt, if possible. This is the most practical strategy to creating a good credit score.
• Make sure regular payments are made on all credit cards, lines of credit, the mortgage, etc.
• Close any joint bank accounts.
• Cancel any joint credit cards.

Don't wait to do this until the divorce decree is finalized -- it may be too late by then, and your delay may hinder your ability to acquire any credit of your own. For example, let's say that pursuant to your divorce decree, your soon-to-be ex-is required to pay off two jointly-held credit cards. A few months later, he/she neglects to make the required payments, and the creditors contact you demanding payment. Although you have sent them a copy of your separation agreement or divorce decree stating that your ex is responsible for the debt, you may still be legally responsible for paying off the joint accounts if you have the cash to cover the debt. Plus, your creditors have the right to report any and all late payments to the credit bureaus -- and if so, these negative marks would become part of your credit history. Your advisors will help you to sever these financial ties to your spouse early, so that you'll be better protected and avoid a problem on your Credit Report. These are important first steps in establishing your own financial identity.

Your New Financial Story

Now, it's time for you to become educated on financial independence! By creating a budget, you'll discover if you're a saver or a spender, or if you must alter any of your current spending habits.

In order to create a new financial story, first decide how you're going to manage your finances going forward. Budgeting is a critical component in this process. It includes: determining monthly expenses (including any support payments you may have to pay), saving for your future, and your income, including any support payments you may receive. Here are the steps to follow:

• Start by recording your expenses each week for a month.
• Divide your expenses between Fixed (e.g. mortgage or rent, car payment), Flexible (e.g. utilities, groceries) and Fun (e.g. entertainment, lunches, coffee).
• Make sure you're current on all of your payments.
• Add all of the items together and compare the total with your net income for the month to see what, if anything, is left over.
• If the amount is positive, add it to your savings; if it's negative, then to look for ways to cut back on spending or generate more income

Let's say you have a negative outcome to your budget after you complete the above exercise. You'll need to ask yourself: "What am I able to cut back on, or cut out, in order to improve this situation?" Is your monthly car payment very high? If so, perhaps you can trade your foreign model SUV for a smaller domestic car. Or are you spending too much eating out? Perhaps you can make your lunch four out of five days a week. Sometimes, it's the little things that add up and contribute to saving for your future. Prospective creditors are more willing to lend money when they see savings in the bank, and that all payments are current.

If you have a positive outcome to your budget, you can begin to plan how to invest your money.

Establishing Positive Credit

Another big step is organizing your finances. You've formally severed all ties to your spouse, and now it's time to move forward. Here are some quick tips to help you establish positive credit:

• Establish a steady source of income.
• Pay all bills promptly.
• Open a checking account and don't go into overdraft.
• Open a savings account and make regular deposits.
• Apply for a department store credit card -- they are easier to obtain, and ensure that you make regular payments. (Note: you don't have to charge a lot to this credit card, since interest rate is generally quite high, but the idea is to make regular payments on time, therefore establishing a good payment pattern.)
• Apply for a small line of credit and make regular payments.

Most importantly, stick to your budget! By staying faithful to it and spending only what you can afford, you'll be able to live debt free and financially independent.

After your budget is in place and you have been sticking to it, check your Credit Report again after one year. It is also important to ensure that all of the information is correct, and that you're no longer financially connected to your spouse. Check to make sure that all joint accounts and credit cards have been deleted. If you've moved, confirm that your new address is showing on the Credit Report. It's important that all errors are resolved on a timely basis.

Jeffrey Schwartz is an executive board member of the Credit Association of Greater Toronto (www.cagt.ca) and the Executive Director of Consolidated Credit Counseling Services of Canada (www.consolidatedcredit.ca). CAGT is a non-profit association with a mission to provide a dynamic forum in which members can share information and expertise. Consolidated Credit is a national non-profit credit counseling organization that teaches consumers about personal finance through web-based budget and debt analysis tools, financial literacy community outreach programs and in-person or telephone counselling. .

Child Friendly Divorce
A checklist for parents to help foster your children’s long term adjustment to divorce.
By Diane M. Berry, MSW, LCSW, JD

There is much parents can do to foster children's long term adjustment to any major change in the family. If relationships are close, nurturing, supportive and dependable, they can buffer children from many of the blows inflicted upon them by stressors in their lives. Divorce is no exception.

We must remember that our goal as parents is not to prevent or protect our children from experiencing any stress, but to help make the stressors our children face moderate enough so they can tolerate and overcome them. This fosters the resilience that they need and we, as parents, seek to help them achieve.

There are four key ways to do this. These involve building good relationships with your children, developing open communication with them, stabilizing the home environment and limiting the amount of change in children's lives. The third, stability, is by far the most crucial to their long term adjustment.

Build Good Relationships with Your Children

• Spend Time Alone with Your Children
• Show Children Empathy and Respect
• Reassure your children
• Be interested in their activities
• Support your children’s relationship with their other parent
• Build your own support system

Create an Atmosphere of Open Communication with Your Child

• Listen to your child
• Put yourself in your child’s place
• Tune into divorce related questions
• Accept their feelings
• Use emotional regulation to help yourself and your child
• Encourage them to talk
• Engage your child in an activity
• Stay available
• Share some of your own feelings
• Use a children’s book to give them information about the divorce

Create a stable Home Environment

• Set up regular, organized routines
• Established rules and limits
• Seek out other support people for your children
• Resolve the issues of custody and placement as quickly as possible
• Take children's developmental needs into account
• End parental conflict
• Support children's relationships with their other parent
• Encourage your child to assume age-appropriate responsibilities
• Resolve the reconciliation question quickly
• Get counseling for your child if necessary

Limit the Amount of Change in Your Children’s Lives

• Give your child six months before making additional changes
• Make changes gradually
• Allow six months between major changes
• Continue familiar routines
• Give children time to prepare for changes
• Provide a positive focus

Guilt

Guilt is common in the divorcing parent. It may be comforting to know that children often emerge from their parent's divorce with greater psychological strength. Research is showing that the most effective easy to foster that resilience in your is not to shelter them from stress, but to allow them to encounter stress in doses that are moderate enough for them to handle and overcome successfully. This resilience will serve them throughout their lives.

Take some time to go over the above checklist and think about how your children have been affected by your separation and divorce. At that point you can make some decisions about changes you need to make to enhance their long term stability and security.

This article was excerpted with permission from the book Child Friendly Divorce by Diane M. Berry, MSW, LCSW, JD, published by Blue Waters Publications, LLC. Diane M. Berry, is a former family law attorney turned psychotherapist. She owns and operates a mental health clinic, practices therapy and, has been teaching the four-hour Parenting Through Divorce training, now required in Manitowoc County and many other jurisdictions before a divorce may be granted.

Acceptance: Be With It

So what do I mean when I say, “Be with it”? Another way of saying it is, “Accept it.” Accept the end of the marriage in all its gory details. Embrace the pain. That may sound strange to you, but it’s important, so let’s talk about it for a little bit.

The First Step in Acceptance is Courage

The first step in acceptance is courage – the courage to let your guard down and accept all the fears that are - rumbling around in your head. They’re already there; acknowledge them. How will it look to my family? How will it look to my friends? Will the people I work with talk about me behind my back?

He or she betrayed you. The marriage failed. Whatever you’re afraid of, it’s already happened, or it never will. You have no control over it. Whether your parents are angry or feel sorry for you, or however they feel, they’ve already felt it. Whatever your fears are about your friends and co-workers are probably exaggerated in your mind, but whatever those fears are – that they are laughing at you, or they pity you, or whatever – they’ve already done it or they never will.

We think we’re more important to other people than we really are. Maybe they’ll make a brief comment about your situation. Maybe they’ll even talk about it once or twice over lunch. I promise you that they don’t talk about you nearly as much as you think they do. They have their own problems. People are focused on their own little worlds, their husbands, wives, lovers, children, money.

If you can’t get past this, then let yourself imagine they are talking about you. Conjure up all the nastiness you think they might say. Whatever your fears are, face them. Everyone worries about looking good or, alternatively, not looking bad. Everybody. If you want to impress someone, go through a difficult time with dignity. Show true strength. Most people don’t have it in them.

Courage is Rewarded

When you face your fears, they shrink. When you resist them, they grow. For examples of this, you need look no further than your children and other people in your life. At times, your son or daughter was afraid or worried or nervous about something or someone. Maybe it was as simple as standing up in front of people at the spelling bee at school. Maybe it was a friend or relative who had to deal with something they didn’t want to deal with. As an outsider, you could observe their situation and you knew they were causing themselves more pain than was necessary.

My dad used to say, “Everyone takes their turn in the barrel.” Now it’s your turn. Be an outsider and look at your situation objectively. Know that if you have courage and face your fears, they’ll shrink away to nothing.

If you still have trouble doing this for yourself, then do it for your children. Be brave for them. You have the courage to stand in front of a bullet for them, so you certainly have the courage to face your fears. You need to become emotionally healthy so that they can be healthy.

Embrace The Pain

You may feel like a real victim and feel like the only person who has ever gone through the painful feeling divorce stirs up. You’re not. No one gets married and has kids with the intention of getting a divorce, and yet statistics say that 35% of first marriages end in divorce. The 50% figure you often hear about in pop culture is a combination of first and second marriages, because the rate for second marriages ending in divorce is higher than first marriages. So understand, you are not alone in facing pain caused by a divorce!

Let’s acknowledge that you are in pain now, and here I am telling you to embrace the pain as a second step. You probably think I’m nuts and you’re asking yourself, “Is he a masochist?” The answer is, “No.” I want to show you how to go beyond the pain.

Ultimately, to break through the pain and come out pain-free on the other side, it’s important to learn to just be with it, or simply accept the pain. This is what ultimately allows you to let the relationship go. This isn’t anything new. Keep in mind this is not some “New Age” advice. This is wisdom from ancient times. Folks have been going through these emotions and feelings for a millennium. The problem is that we human beings don’t like pain, so we resist it. By resisting it, we make it more intense and we make it last longer.

Not only do we resist pain, we often refuse to look at it. The longer we refuse to deal with it, the longer we suffer. An old Reiki master once summed it up for me this way: “On the other side of pain is joy.”

This will work for any relationship. You are now in charge of your future. The first step is up to you.

Lawyers are under a duty to discuss reconciliation and mediation with their clients. The court must be certain that there is no possibility of reconciliation before proceeding with a divorce petition. If both parties are certain that they want to proceed with the divorce, they have choices as to how they will proceed.

You may be angry and your first response is “sue the bastard.” Stop, take a breath, and keep reading. Before you proceed, your lawyer will assess your particular situation and discuss your options. If you have a choice, going to court should be the last resort for a divorcing couple. A lawsuit is never fun but in divorce situations it’s a gruelling, time-consuming, emotionally exhausting and expensive process for both parties. Sometimes a disgruntled spouse will want to go to court just to hear a judge say that they were right and their spouse was wrong. However, this is not a valid reason for going to court. First of all, it’s not likely to happen. The judge may not say what you want him or her to say. The judge’s role is to resolve issues in an orderly manner when the parties cannot. Second, the process could run you dry - emotionally and financially. Third, a spouse is more likely to cooperate with something that he or she has agreed to than to cooperate with an order imposed by the court with which the person does not agree.

When you separate, it is important to remember that the lines of trust have changed. You and your spouse now sit on opposite sides of the table with different goals than those you shared while married. One spouse may have difficulty dealing with the reality that the other spouse is on the opposing side. A spouse may show a side the other has never seen before - becoming highly uncooperative and refusing to disclose relevant matters such as financial statements. The conflict can escalate, and in the worst case scenario a paper chase can begin that will stretch for several years. In the end, you will have made difficult concessions, paid endless legal bills, and delayed the healing process that is part of the process of divorce.

Negotiating a Settlement Is Better For All

The outcome is much better for everyone if a settlement can be reached out of court, but it usually requires negotiation, which is part skill and part art. If your lawyer is negotiating for you, let your lawyer do the job for you. A professional in family law practice has the experience in these matters that can help you achieve your goals. Just be clear in expressing beforehand what it is that you want and what solutions would be most workable for you. You may not get everything the way you would like it, but if you cloud the discussions with low priority matters, you could lose on those things that are most important to you.

You are not likely to get all that you want but there are strategies that can help you negotiate the best possible settlement:

• Set your priorities.
• Know what you are willing to give, where you are willing to be flexible, and where you are not prepared to move at all.
• Be realistic. Consider the Big Picture when you must give and take.
• If your spouse responds with personal attacks, do your very best to stay focused on your priorities. Ignore any unpleasantness and keep telling yourself that your spouse’s attacks are just “noise.” They do not contribute anything to the process of reaching a ¬settlement.
• If your spouse makes an offer to settle, think it over carefully. Discuss your options in private with your lawyer.
• If you negotiate your own settlement, get legal advice before you do or sign anything.
• Take a deep breath.

Nary a peep — lip synched or otherwise — has been heard from singer/actress Ashlee Simpson-Wentz in quite sometime. When we last caught up with Ash, she and her husband, Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, were happily married and raising their two-year-old son, Bronx. Yet tabloid reprieve was not meant to last for the younger Simpson sister. Divorce attorneys in Pasadena and Hollywood insiders were surprised to see Simpson back in the headlines this week when she and Wentz announced they were getting a divorce after two-and-a-half years of marriage.

On Wednesday, news of the split came directly from a representative from Ashlee’s camp.

“After careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to file for divorce," the couple said through a spokesperson. "We remain friends and deeply committed and loving parents to our son Bronx, whose happiness and well-being remains our No. 1 priority. We ask that everyone honor our privacy as we navigate this next phase of our lives."

In court papers filed and signed this week, Simpson-Wentz cited “irreconcilable differences” as the cause of divorce. The papers also state she is seeking spousal support. Wentz and Simpson’s date of separation, according to paperwork, is yet to be determined. Ashlee is also seeking primary physical custody of their son with visitation for Wentz and requesting a return to her maiden name.

The seemingly sudden split threw celebrity journalists for a loop, particularly those who snapped photos of the couple two days before the announcement shopping with their son in West Hollywood. Ashlee and Pete started dating in 2006 and were engaged in 2008. The pair was married in May 2008 at her parent’s home in Encino in a ceremony officiated by Simpson’s father and manager Joe Simpson. Sister Jessica Simpson and fellow divorcee announced her engagement to boyfriend and former NFL star Eric Johnson last November.

A glamorous location has been booked, invitations are being printed — everything is set for an amazing New York-style celebrity wedding. The only problem? The groom is still married to someone else. This is the exact situation television and Broadway star Kelsey Grammer has found himself embroiled in while planning his nuptials to his young fiancée, Kayte Walsh. As divorce attorneys in Pasadena and celebrity watchers know, Kelsey is still married to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Camille Grammer. And unless a miracle happens, it looks like Kelsey won't be getting his dream wedding anytime soon.

The New York Post reported this week that Grammer and Walsh have already booked the ballroom at New York's swank Plaza Hotel. A source tells the Post, "Despite the lavish surroundings, they want an intimate wedding with less than 150 guests.” The reportedly $100,000 ceremony is set for February 25th and invitations are already being mailed out. Too bad Kelsey needs to deal with his not-even-close-to-being-finalized divorce to Camille before he walks down the aisle with Kayte. The actor recently made a legal request for an immediate divorce, but Camille's lawyers put the kibosh on it. Team Camille turned down the hurry-up divorce primarily because they claim she and her lawyers have not had enough time to thoroughly review Kelsey's multi-million-dollar settlement offer. Camille stated in court papers she wants a larger cut of the couple's $120 million estate.

Although Grammer was recently quoted as saying "I won't postpone my happiness," he might just have to. He and Camille are due to appear at a hearing later this week, giving the couple a chance to further negotiate the settlement package.

Donald P. Schweitzer speaks about Lindsay Lohan's latest legal troubles from Maria Schweitzer on Vimeo.

Family attorneys in Pasadena often see recently-divorced couples hop right into new relationships right after their divorces are finalized. So when news broke that Eva Longoria had begun dating Eduardo Cruz, brother of film siren Penelope Cruz, we weren’t surprised. After all, her divorce to NBA star Tony Parker was finalized last week, and the star has never looked more gorgeous. Details about the new man in Longoria’s life are now emerging after the pair spent a romantic afternoon on a yacht over the weekend.

Whispers of Eva and Eduardo have been circulating around Hollywood since October, but the pair has gone to great lengths to avoid being seen together. So it’s a convenient coincidence that the star, who finalized her divorce in a Texas court on January 28, was seen on February 5 boarding a luxury yacht with Cruz in Miami. Looking glamorous in a chic white top and jeans with high heels, Eva set sail with Eduardo in the afternoon as paparazzi frantically snapped pictures of the duo before they sailed off into the sunset.

The day at sea is the third public sighting of the pair in the last several months. Eduardo was seen leaving Eva’s home on Christmas Eve. In January the couple was spotted again at Café Was in Hollywood where they enjoyed a flamenco dance troupe. Eva’s publicist poo-pooed the new boyfriend rumors in January but fellow diners who saw the pair together reported the couple seemed close and were even seen briefly holding hands. The 25-year old Cruz, a pop star in his home country of Spain, apparently met the 35-year-old Longoria through mutual friends last year. Cruz was recently in Los Angeles to be at his Oscar-winning sister’s side for the birth of her baby boy with Javier Bardem.

As some seeking divorce advice in Pasadena can attest, sometimes when it rains it pours. And Emmy-winning actress Jamie Pressly is currently in the middle of a bad news downpour. In the past month, the star has been arrested on suspicion on a DUI, filed for divorce, is reportedly riddled with tax problems and is now facing an uphill custody battle for her three-year-old son, Dezi.

Jamie Pressly's new year started out with a thud when the actress was pulled over in Santa Monica, California, by police officers who stopped the actress for a traffic violation. She was then taken into custody on suspicion of driving under the influence and her bail was set for $15,000. Police say Pressly’s blood alcohol content was twice the legal limit when she was arrested. Days after her arrest, as her mugshot was splashed across the Internet, reports surfaced that Pressly's marriage to entertainment lawyer Simran Singh was over. The pair filed for divorce a week after Jamie's arrest. The couple had only been married for 16 months. Soon tales of the family's financial issues swirled through gossip sites. Allegedly, Pressly owes the Internal Revenue Service $637,000 in state and federal taxes. The Detroit News uncovered public records which stated the IRS filed a $260,370 tax lien against her on December 6. This was on top of the 2008 lien the agency filed against her for $281,699.

As if things couldn't get worse, insiders say Pressly could be facing a tough custody battle for her son Dezi, whom she had with ex-fiancée Eric Cubiche. Cubiche's mother, Nairis Calvo, told RadarOnline.com this week, "Little Dezi is the most important thing in my son's life, and we will do anything to protect him." Calvo spoke frankly, saying that Pressly's current woes could affect their current custody arrangement.

"Jaime and Eric have always had a nice relationship when it comes to my grandson Dezi, but that could change,” Calvo said, before adding that “Jaime is in the past and we wish her well... She's been through a lot. It's a tough situation."

Halle Berry, like many seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, has seen her custody battle with her ex go from bad to worse. Every major tabloid and gossip site ran tales this week of how the Oscar winner and her ex-boyfriend of four years, Gabriel Aubry, are currently embroiled in a showdown over custody of their daughter Nahla. Initially, reports were released that painted Aubry as an evil and abusive ex who slung racial slurs at the star. Now, however, new reports say that Berry is no slouch herself in the barbs department. So how, exactly, did custody negotiations between the two beautiful people go so tragically awry?

Since Aubry and Berry split last spring, nary a word has been written about the former couple. It had appeared that both people had moved on. She was seen dating Oliver Martinez while he was linked to several beauties — including Kim Kardashian. Yet beneath the smiling photographs of Berry and her daughter at the beach, a custody war was brewing.

Things got downright nasty this week when People magazine released a story saying that Berry was ready to do whatever necessary to gain full custody of Nahla. <

Halle has serious concerns for her daughter's well-being while in the care of her father for any extended period of time and is prepared to take all necessary steps to protect her,” said Berry's rep in an exclusive interview with People.

Berry filed court papers on December 30th and cleared her filming schedule to resolve the custody issues. Berry's camp reports that the star was called the "n word" by the actor and received several threatening phone calls. Aubry's side, naturally, has a different story to tell altogether. Sources close to the model say Berry went ballistic when she learned of his involvement with Kardashian, which prompted her to launch the custody attack. Aubry allegedly was also on the receiving end of a harsh e-mail, in which Berry told him,"You were only good for one thing... Thanks for the donation."

Aubry is striking back and has reportedly filed two counter-suits for sole custody, one in California and one in his home country of Canada. More words and accusations from both sides are bound to be revealed as the pair get ready to meet in court later this month.

Divorce attorneys in Pasadena have seen the divorce rate in Southern California climb during the last decade. Sociologists and legal experts theorize the economy and other factors may have something to do with the climbing rate. But in Bogotá, Colombia, the divorce rate has exploded — and many say it could be due to several extreme issues unique to the country.

Recently called one of the 10 most dangerous cities on the planet, Bogotá has one of the highest divorce rates in Latin America. DivorceSaloon.com recently wondered if the region's extreme narco-terrorism violence to the increase in divorce. Kidnappings, car bomb explosions and homicide are daily occurrences in Bogotá, leading many couples to call it quits under the daily threat of violence. Certainly, studies have shown areas of the world with political discord and violence to have extremely high divorce rates. But there could be another reason divorce is running rampant in Columbia.

In 2005, legislation passed in Columbian congress which allows couples to divorce in 60 minutes and for roughly $15.

"The aim is to make life easier for Colombians," Manuel Cuello, superintendent of the national registrar, told the Associated Press back in 2005. "Getting divorced should not be such a bureaucratic ordeal."

The country's "quickie divorces" soon became legendary, receiving global attention. What was initially a move to address hundreds of backlogged divorce cases has turned into a national past time. The country has seen numbers of divorces filed nearly double since the legislation was passed.

Quickie divorces and violent climate aside, divorce has been on the rise in Latin America for the last several decades. Many South American countries like Colombia didn't even have accessible divorces until the late 1970s. A study by Univerisdad Externado shows that divorce has been steadily increasing for the last 50 years.

Elsewhere on the continent, Chile has the lowest divorce rate in all of Latin America.

It's a sad, old, broken record: A couple suffers from an extended period of money secrets and lies and soon one of the spouses is desperately seeking divorce advice in Pasadena. We've heard stories of celebrity marriages falling apart over money problems and seen it happen to the lives of our friends and neighbors. Yet financial infidelity has remained one of divorce's dirty little secrets — too shameful for victims to discuss and too hurtful for money cheaters to talk about, financial infidelity finally is being discussed openly. A new study claims that financial cheating breaks up more marriages than we think.

The National Endowment for Financial Education, which conducted the survey, says that three in 10 Americans admit to financial deception. Furthermore, the study reports that 58 percent of respondents say they hide cash from their spouse. Another 30 percent admit to hiding bills and outstanding debt while 15 percent keep hidden bank accounts. Nearly 70 percent of the couples admitted financial infidelity caused problems in their relationships, while the problems causes 16 percent of divorces.

The statistics are evidence that when it comes to marriage, another bank account is more damaging — and more likely — than another woman. According to the study, 42 percent of responders say money issues caused them feelings or betrayal and lack of trust. Months and sometimes of years of secret purchases can add up to big relationship trouble, but experts say it doesn't have to.

"Money provides a potential conflict point in a relationship," Ted Beck, president and CEO of the National Endowment for Financial Education, told ABC News. "But it also can be something that draws a couple closer."

Like most relationship issues, financial infidelity can be battled with ongoing open conversation, he says.

"Couples should talk openly about money, and do so early in the relationship,” Beck adds. “Each person should understand their partner's values about money."

Divorce attorneys in Pasadena have heard of the "Oscar Curse" for years. The fabled curse says that actresses who win the Academy Award for Best Actress are doomed to divorce. Sounds silly, right? But consider this: Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Bette Davis, Joan Crawford and last year's best actress, Sandra Bullock, all got divorced after their Oscar wins. As awards night approaches, a new study says the Oscar curse might actually be legitimate.

Researchers at the University of Toronto's Rotman School of Management and Carnegie Mellon University decided to see if the curse held any truth to it. They compared divorce rates in actresses who won Best Actress awards from 1936 to 2010 to those actresses who were nominated but did not win. Winners, according to their research, are 1.68 times as likely to divorce as stars who went home empty-handed. The study also looked at nominees and winners of the Best Actor statuettes, bringing the total of nominees surveyed to 751. Best Actors, according to researchers, do not experience an increase in the risk of divorce after an Oscar win.

"Research has shown that, in the general population, gender differences have historically given roles with greater power and status to men and roles with lesser status and power to women," says Tiziana Casciaro, an assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Rotman School and who co-authored the study with Colleen Stuart and Sue Moon. “Studies have demonstrated that breaching this social norm within a marriage -- for example, when a wife earns more than her husband -- can strain the relationship.”

The study showed that Best Actress winners have a 63 percent chance of their marriages ending sooner than the marriages of non-winners. Stuart, a post-doctoral fellow at Carnegie Mellon, points out that just because an actress is professionally successful doesn't necessarily mean she's also successful in relationships.

"It appears that even the marriages of Hollywood actresses at the top of their careers are not immune to the consequences of violating social norms that affect the wider population," says Stuart.