Recent Posts in Child Abuse Category

Pasadena divorce lawyers often recommend co-parenting to divorcing couples who have a healthy line of communication and who appear to be good candidates for the arrangement. But it certainly isn't for every couple. It requires a lot of work with your former spouse and a removal of ego in favor of doing what's best for the children. Actress Olivia D'Abo, who rose to fame in the 1980s on the sitcom The Wonder Years, recently spoke to Celebrity Baby Scoop about the ups and downs of parenting with a spouse after a divorce.

D'Abo has a fifteen-year-old son named Oliver and is one of the few celebrities who opted for co-parenting as a solution after her divorce.

"After my relationship ended with Oliver's dad, I met and married my husband Patrick when Oliver was just 5 years old so really the three of us have all been co-parenting Oliver for about 10 years," she says. "It's been a work in progress and at first it was challenging but now we all appreciate how much support we have and so does Oliver. I think we all feel like we've achieved something really special and important, as it's been proven through hard work that it can be quite fluid."

But the threesome didn't click on parenting overnight; in fact, the arrangement took some time.

"It takes time to see where your strengths and weaknesses lie and who should take the lead in certain areas at certain times," D'Abo admits.

The actress thinks if the communication is healthy between exes, then co-parenting can be wonderful. Strict scheduling and discipline, she says, are the keys to successful co-parenting.

"A good important tip when co-parenting is that selfishness and your own need for self-satisfaction has to go out the window," she notes. "For example, it shouldn't be about who gets more time. It should always be about what's right for the child in that particular moment. If the parents live apart it's really wise to draw up and lay out a proper schedule at the beginning of each year that you're absolutely sure you can stick to for everyone's comfort level, most importantly for your child, so they feel the organization is dealt with between the adults ahead of time. The most important thing a parent can do is stay neutral for their child so you never bring them into any unnecessary tension. If you can pull that off your child will only benefit.

Remember to avoid saying things to your child like, "That(insert child's negative behavior here) is just like your father." This comment hurts your child at their core -- it acknowledges their connection to their other parent while at the same time criticizes them for it. It does not assist them in creating a solid foundation. This comment impacts your child's self-esteem. It also impacts your child's ability to create positive self-worth. I like to think of children as being born with a beautiful bright light inside. Each time your child hears a negative comment about someone they love (or are biologically a part of), their light dims just a little until they are really upset inside. When your child is upset on the inside, they act out on the outside. Hearing these negative comments erodes away the vibrant self-love your child was born with. Comments such as these are born out of anger and resentment. One of the best quotes I've heard on anger/ resentment is:

"Resentment is like taking your own poison and expecting the other person to die."- Author Unknown

Taking your own poison or giving this poison to your child is not healthy. We know from numerous studies that a great percentage of diseases are stress-related. Looking at the word disease, we can see disease. When we are not at ease we are in stress, which impacts our health and the health of our child. It is your responsibility as a parent to be healthy for your child. Your child needs you -- so let go of the bottle of poison and be healthy so you can attend to your child's needs. Especially the need of being able to love both parents. An angry parent does not equal a good parent. I ask you to be healthy for your children. You won't regret it, I promise.

  Amy Singer

Singer, who runs the Fort Lauderdale, Fla.-based Singer Cos., said the trial was the first high-profile murder trial to take place in the social media age and will forever change how lawyers defend clients.

"We had video live stream on computers," she said. "There were bloggers. There were chat rooms. As a result, my entire team was monitoring the blogosphere, chat rooms and discussion rooms, giving feedback to the defense team daily. This whole trial was social-media driven."

In her 32 years as a trial consultant, Singer has worked on plenty of high-profile cases, including the O.J. Simpson murder trial, the Jack Kevorkian euthanasia case, and the William Kennedy Smith rape trial. In the Kennedy case she was hired by Time Warner to conduct a "shadow jury" and report findings nightly on the television program "A Current Affair." A psychologist, she also has worked for tobacco and Chinese drywall class action attorneys.

Singer got involved in Anthony's case about 1 1/2 years ago when she got a call from Ocala attorney Dorothy Clay Sims, who owns a farm near Singer's Gainesville farm. Sims was co-counsel for Anthony with South Florida native Jose Baez.

Singer was tapped to help the team pick a jury and consult during the trial, along with other defense consultants, Richard Gabriel of California and Karen Hurwitz and Mike Ford of Texas.

PRO BONO DEFENSE

Baez's team asked the court for funds to hire jury consultants but was turned down after prosecutors told the judge they were not hiring jury consultants. The consulting team worked on the case pro bono as did all the defense attorneys.

Singer said they knew the case would be largely won or lost during jury selection.

"I agree with Nancy Grace that the case was pretty much over after the jury was picked," she said, adding blogger comments confirmed her view.

Common wisdom that attorneys like stupid jurors is just "old wives' tales," said Singer, who said her team was clear that they wanted "bright and intelligent" jurors.

Also in: people who mentioned Caylee Anthony's skull was found in a field.

"That was a good juror for us because we knew the field was contaminated by swamps," Singer said.

The jury consultants also were happy to have two nurses on the jury, so they could see that the prosecution was reaching by having pathologists testify that all accidents are reported to police, she said. "It was clearly out of their area of expertise as pathologists, and the nurses would see that," Singer said.

Out as jurors: people who mentioned Casey Anthony was out partying and getting a tattoo when her daughter was missing.

"Because what does that have to do with the price of tea in China. It just shows that she is crazy," Singer said. "Some people, when they are traumatized, they imagine things. And that's what Casey did. It's magical thinking. Plus she's a pathological liar."

COMBING BLOGS

The consultants' job was hardly over once the jury was picked. In fact, that's when it became a full-time gig for Singer. The consultants were tasked with monitoring voluminous social media sites to keep their finger on the public's pulse. To keep up with the blog traffic, Singer asked for volunteers on the website of the American Society of Trial Consultants and was overwhelmed with responses.

When Singer first told Baez about the social media plan of attack, he wasn't convinced.

"He said, 'Do we really need to do that?'??" recalls Singer, who believes the prosecution also did not realize the need to monitor social media.

Danielle Tavernier, spokeswoman for Orange State Attorney Lamar Lawson, whose office prosecuted Anthony, said her office did not hire jury consultants or use any social media.

"We do not have a Twitter account, Facebook page or blog, and we don't use any social media," she said.

Once Singer assured Baez of the necessity of social media, she and her team combed through blogs to isolate the "important negative comments" they felt needed to be addressed.

"I didn't want to hear the good stuff," she said. "We needed to give the jury enough weapons to bolster their opinions. I didn't want to be singing cowboy music to someone who wants to sing opera."

For instance, when the blogs started attacking George Anthony, Singer and her team took notice and encouraged the defense to beef up their attacks on the defendant's father.

"We had to know how much to blame George," she said. Similarly, bloggers "loved" Cindy Anthony until she took credit for the chloroform searches and then began to turn on the defendant's mother. At that point, Singer's team "distanced ourselves" from her and encouraged Baez to take a watered-down position in closing arguments that "at least she had some sort of maternal instinct."

SOCIAL MEDIA

The team worked hand in hand with Palm Beach-based Legal Graphicworks, which spent hundreds of hours creating timelines, 3-D graphics and other visual aids to illustrate the case to jurors.

"I am the type of person who wakes up at 3 a.m. when I have an idea and jots it down, and they are the same way," Singer said, adding she would frequently e-mail Legal Graphicworks company CEO Jim Lucas at 3 a.m. and get an answer.

Gabriel, one of the other consultants on the case, said he felt the Casey Anthony case will forever change the way trials are run in major cases and believes trial consultants were instrumental in her acquittal.

"I think this is the most significant case where the Internet played a role," he said. "A lot of people think we just pick a jury, but we do a lot more. It might have benefited the prosecution to hire jury consultants to understand how the jury makes decisions. I believe it's important for everybody to use a consultant."

But not everyone thinks the internet and social media was as helpful to the defense as other factors.

Miami criminal defense attorney Roy Black attributes the fact that an out-of-town jury was chosen as the single most important reason for the acquittal.

"I think the reason Casey Anthony was acquitted was because a jury was picked from Pinellas County and did not see any of the coverage or social media and therefore was not influenced by the Nancy Graces of the world," Black said. "If they were from Orlando and had to go home every night, they would have seen television and the Internet. It proves why it's necessary in a high-profile case to have an insulated jury."

Another Miami criminal defense attorney, Mark Eiglarsh, gives trial consultants and their use of social media some credit for the defense win, but thinks the lack of evidence and the jury's reasonable doubt was the overwhelming reason.

"There's no question that all of those things -- social media, Twitter, all of it -- are valuable, but at the end of the day, they could only prosecute with what they had," he said. "I'm sure the guy who sold Jose his suits will take some credit too, and some might say the prosecutor's bullying affected jurors. But first and foremost is always, is there sufficient proof to tip the scales?"

"I don't think the prosecutors live in a cave," he added. "They know about Twitter and these things."

When asked whether her office might employ social media in the future, Tavernier said, "if it was something that was ever considered, there would be a cost attached, and there would be a lot of debate on that."

As family attorneys in Pasadena know, divorce can be emotionally and mentally devastating for spouses with a fragile state of mind. But the case of Kelli Lynn Murphy is an extreme example of a woman destroyed by divorce. Murphy was arrested last week for the murder of her two young children on the eve of a hearing to discuss custody with her ex-husband.

Castle Rock, Colorado, police were shocked on the morning of Monday, May 23^rd, when they were called to Murphy’s home after she called to report she was trying to commit suicide. Officers were stunned when arrived at the home to find 9-year-old Liam and his sister Madigan, 6, dead in their bedrooms. Murphy was taken to a hospital and treated for cuts on her wrists and now faces two counts of first-degree murder, child abuse and other possible charges, authorities say.

Murphy had been through a difficult time over the last year. She and her husband had filed for bankruptcy and divorce and Kelli Murphy had received a protection order. A hearing to discuss a parenting agreement was scheduled for this week. Her ex-husband, Robert Murphy, is not considered a suspect in the murders. Kelli withdrew her request to divorce Robert on April 26,saying, “I do not want a divorce, and my husband has told me that as well. This needs to stop. We need counseling, not a divorce.”

But her request to end the divorce proceedings was denied. Sources say Kelli Murphy had slipped into a deep depression due to financial problems and the impending divorce. Things had gone from bad to worse for the Murphy family when they filed for bankruptcy last June. Court documents say the couple was over $20,000 in debt and financial problems were cited as a reason for divorce.

It is a political trend divorce attorneys in Pasadena have seen brewing for quite some time: divorce reform bills. For the last couple of years, a variety of divorce reform acts have been purposed by politicians and lawmakers across the country. Yet just as this trend has gained momentum, two high-profile divorce bills on the ballots in two very different states have been defeated.

In Montana, Republican lawmaker Tom McGillvray proposed a bill that would require divorcing couples to attend seven meetings with a counselor. McGillvray says divorce is damaging a generation of children and thinks counseling could save marriages. Opponents of the bill, however, believe the bill was overstepping its bounds and interfering with the private lives of voters.

"I don't want you telling me what I can and can't do in my married life," argued Democratic Rep. Edie McClafferty. "I'm sure not going to tell anyone what they can and can't do in their married life. Last time I heard, we lived in a free country, people can make their own decisions.

McGillvray’s bill died on the house floor in a 60-40 vote.

Down south in Mississippi, a very different kind of divorce bill also was shot down. The house said "no, thank you" to a bill that would have given a spouse grounds for divorce if they have been away from an abusive situation for five years or longer. Backers of the bill say the bill would have made it easier for victims of abuse to file for divorce after fleeing an abusive situation from a spouse who woudn’t grant them a divorce. The bill had passed earlier in the Senate but was defeated last Thursday on a vote of 81-39. Mississippi law currently allows an abandoned spouse to file for divorce but doesn’t address when one spouse leaves but is denied a divorce by the other spouse.

Family lawyers in Pasadena have championed the benefits of co-parenting in divorced couples for years. If both parties are cooperative, respectful and flexible, co-parenting can be a great way for children of divorce to receive full attention and care from both of their parents. However, achieving harmony in co-parenting is especially difficult when an ex-spouse is verbally or physically abusive. According to experts, co-parenting with an abusive ex could be a bad idea — one that may open up a whole new set of problems.

The decision to co-parent in abusive relationships, according to a study from the University of Illinois, often is reached because of fear, economic insecurity and guilt.

“Fear was very important in the women’s decisions to leave, but guilt over breaking up the family was more influential in making custody decisions,” Jennifer Hardesty, who co-authored the study, says.

Therefore, many women who should have sought full custody find themselves continuing the cycle of abuse by agreeing to co-parent with an ex, experts say. Co-parenting101.org, a website devoted to helping divorcing couples find peaceful parenting solutions, says turning a blind eye to an abusive ex can be dangerous to the children left in their care.

“Let us be clear: Co-parenting successfully after divorce is best for kids, but no parent should feel compelled to support their child’s relationship with the other parent at the expense of their own or the child’s safety,” the site says. “To succeed, a co-parenting relationship must be founded on mutual respect, not fear, and both parties must place the needs of the child first. By definition, then, successful co-parenting must be free of abuse of any kind.”

In the end, an otherwise emotionally mature decision to co-parent may not be the wisest decision when dealing with an abusive ex, according to Hardesty.

“So many people think that leaving the abuser means the end of the abuse; when children and custody arrangements are involved, that is often not the case,” she adds.

Before agreeing to co-parent, honest and open discussions with family lawyers and therapists should be conducted first. If you or someone you know needs help finding custody solutions with an abusive ex, please contact us today.