Recent Posts in Child Rearing Category

After seeking assistance from a Pasadena divorce attorney, non-custodial parents often find themselves wondering how to handle visitation with their children. The idea of scheduling time to spend with your child takes some getting used to, but visitation can be a positive experience for everyone involved if it's handled appropriately.

In many cases, the natural impulse of the newly divorced non-custodial parent is to try to pack visitation times full of activities. Movie nights, bowling trips, shopping sprees, or amusement park visits are fine for special occasions, but they shouldn't be a regular occurrence. When you lived with your child on a full-time basis, it wasn't your job to entertain him every minute of the day. Treat visitation the same way. Special activities are fun, but the goal of visitation is to allow you maintain a normal relationship with your child. This includes things like assigning chores, helping with homework, and visiting extended family members as well as simply spending a quiet night together at home.

Non-custodial parents who are having financial difficulties often downsize to smaller living quarters. However, you should try to have a separate bedroom for your child if at all feasible. It's important for your child to feel like he is more than just a visitor in your home. It's not necessary to spend thousands of dollars on new furniture, but it is a good idea to encourage him to bring favorite toys, posters, or other items to help decorate his room so it feels like a warm and inviting place. If it's not possible for your child to have a separate bedroom, at least make sure he has adequate space for his personal belongings during visitation times.

Realize that visitation is often traumatic for children of divorce. It's perfectly natural for a child to miss his other parent during visitation times. Allowing phone calls, emails, or web cam chats can be helpful in alleviating some of this homesickness. Let your child know that it's OK to miss his mom or dad and encourage him to talk about his feelings with you. Never say anything negative about your ex while your child is present or make statements that could be interpreted as asking your child to pick sides in your Pasadena divorce.

The reasons for your divorce don't go away when a Pasadena divorce attorney helps you end your marriage, but you'll still need to be able to handle conducting a civilized conversation with your ex if you have children together. To keep the lines of communication open, you might find it helpful to keep in mind three key tips for successful co-parenting after a divorce.

First, it's often helpful to think of co-parenting as a business relationship. You wouldn't scream at your boss or your colleague for arriving five minutes late to an important business meeting, so it's best to resist the urge to yell at your spouse if he is late picking up your children. Even when you're angry, strive to keep your tone as neutral and respectful as you would be if you were in the office. You are no longer married, but you are "in business" with your ex raising your children to be happy and productive adults. If you have trouble keeping your temper in check, voice mail, text message, or email might be helpful for arranging the day-to-day details of your co-parenting arrangements. Do not rely on your child to communicate messages to your ex, since children often misinterpret details and are likely to resent the responsibility for playing "peacekeeper" between their parents.

Second, remember that requests are likely to be interpreted more positively than demands or even statements of what you want to do. Ask "Do you think we could change visitation from Monday to Wednesday this week?" instead of "I need to pick up Jillian on Wednesday this week." No one likes to feel like they are being ordered to do something, especially if the person giving the orders is someone they've had trouble dealing with in the past. Giving orders might work when you're trying to get your children dressed and out the door in the morning, but barking orders at your ex is likely to be met with a complete refusal to cooperate. Strive to treat your ex in the same way you wish to be treated, even if he doesn't "deserve" the consideration.

Finally, be willing to compromise. You don't need to give in to every request your ex makes, but showing flexibility will go a long way towards establishing a more amicable co-parenting relationship. For example, if you feel strongly that your son needs to be in bed by 10 pm on a school night, it might be worth compromising on what type of TV shows he's allowed to watch in order to make sure your ex sees he gets the sleep he needs.

                                


If you're going through a contested divorce in Pasadena, it's important to remember that all children are affected by stress at home. Refusing to speak poorly of your ex in front of your child is certainly a noble goal, but children can sense your feelings even when they are not explicitly stated. If there are issues in your divorce relating to child custody or your child has had to move to a new home because of the divorce, this can cause further stress.

The way children deal with stress often depends on their age and temperament. A preschool age boy, for example, might start having accidents at school even though he's been potty trained for over a year or get in trouble for trying to bite a classmate who wouldn't share a toy. A teenage girl, in comparison, might have poor grades, experiment with alcohol, or take up a romance with a much older boy. Any change in your child's behavior after your divorce should be carefully considered as you're determining how well he or she is adjusting to the new structure of your family life.

Although you don't need to share all the details surrounding your divorce, it's a good idea to let your child's teacher know about the changes in your home. Ask to be contacted if there are any changes she notices in your son or daughter's behavior. If there are problems that need to be addressed, it's best to deal with the issue as soon as possible. School plays an important role in maintaining stability in a child's life, so it's in everyone's best interest to make sure your child is able to focus well enough to reach his or her full potential.

In most schools, notices regarding parent teacher conferences, extracurricular activities, and a child's school progress will automatically be sent to the parent who has primary custody of the child. If you have a different way you would like to handle communication from the school, you will need to make special arrangements. School administrators understand that many children have complicated home situations and should be willing to accommodate all reasonable requests. Pasadena family law firms can provide any necessary official documentation the school requires.

In most cases, family law lawyers in Pasadena will tell you that non-custodial parents have the same rights as custodial parents in regards to their child's education. Unless there is a court order to the contrary, a non-custodial parent is allowed to participate in parent teacher conferences and school activities. He or she is also entitled to copies of documents relating to a child's education, including test scores, report cards, and progress reports. However, many schools will assume that communication should take place with the custodial parent. If you want to make alternative arrangements, you will need to speak to a school administrator directly. School officials are understanding of the many different home situations their students are dealing with, but they won't know about your divorce unless you make an effort to keep the lines of communication open.

According to the American School Counselor Association, some schools have policies saying that a custodial parent will be notified as a courtesy if the non-custodial parent has been contacted regarding a child's performance at school. Depending upon the circumstances surrounding your divorce, this may be an issue you wish to discuss with your child's teachers.

For most married couples, one parent takes the role as the dominant authority figure when it comes to communicating with teachers and making decisions regarding a child's education. Unfortunately, this dynamic doesn't work well after a divorce. Studies have shown than children with divorced parents benefit from having both their mother and father involved in their education. However, as a non-custodial parent, you must realize that staying involved will require more of a conscious effort on your part.

If you have remarried after your divorce, you may be wondering what rights a stepparent has in regards to a child's education records. The Family Education Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) is the federal statue that governs access to a child's education records. This law defines a parent as "a natural parent, a guardian or an individual acting as a parent in the absence of a parent or a guardian." A stepparent is considered to have the same rights as a natural parent in regards to educational records if he or she is present in the child's home on a regular basis. If you are the non-custodial parent, therefore, your new spouse's rights will be limited under FERPA.

If you're seeking divorce help in Pasadena, you're probably wondering when it's time to tell your children you're filing for divorce. This can be a difficult conversation to have, but it's important to be honest with your child. Hiding information from your son or daughter will only make the situation seem more confusing.

If at all possible, both parents should be present for the conversation about filing for divorce. If multiple children are involved, everyone should be told together. Avoid breaking the news on a school day or before an important family event, since your children are likely to be upset and in need of some alone time after they hear the news.

There are several books and DVDs available to help explain the idea of divorce to very young children. For older kids, however, an open and honest conversation is likely to be sufficient. If your child has a friend with divorced parents, he probably already has a basic understanding of what a divorce will mean for your family.

When telling your child that you're getting divorced, remember to stress that the end of your marriage is not his fault. Children tend to think of themselves as the center of the universe and will thus naturally assume that you're getting divorced because they did something wrong. Make sure your child understands that remembering to pick up his toys, not yelling at his baby sister, or going to bed without a fight wouldn't have changed anything about the situation.

Be ready to answer questions from your child, especially those relating to custody arrangements. After learning their parents are going to get a divorce, most children are concerned with where they're going to live and how often they're going to see the non-custodial parent. Older children may also have questions about the possibility of their parents dating and remarrying.

Even if you're very angry at your ex, do not share these feelings with your child. Your child does not need to hear insults and name calling. If your divorce is related to tricky issues such as infidelity or your spouse's drinking problem, these are also details that are best kept to yourself. Communication is good, but it needs to be done with an eye towards what information is age-appropriate to be shared.

Pasadena divorce attorneys know that celebrating your first Christmas after a divorce isn't one of life's most pleasant milestones. However, this occasion will be a bit brighter if you keep in mind a few basic tips.

Traditions are an important part of holiday celebrations, but sometimes traditions can bring back unpleasant or painful memories. Replace traditions that remind you of your ex with new holiday rituals. Listen to different Christmas music, try out some new cookie recipes, and pick up a few ornaments that symbolize the fresh start that your divorce represents. Check out some of the holiday concerts, plays, and special events in your community. You'll get out of the house and possibly make new friends in the process.

If you have children from your marriage, your child custody agreement might prevent you from spending the holidays with them. Being separated from your children during Christmas is never easy, but remember that you'll be able to choose your own special day to celebrate together. If you aren't able to celebrate on December 25, consider spending the day volunteering at a homeless shelter or picking up overtime at work so you can treat yourself to something special with your next paycheck. Taking a short vacation might be an option as well; many cities have travel agencies that specialize in planning trips for singles.

If you've started dating again, it's best to keep your Christmas expectations as relaxed as possible. A new relationship takes time to grow and develop. Choose your Christmas gifts wisely to avoid presents that imply expectations of future commitments. The type of gifts you'd buy for your husband aren't the same as the ones you should be buying for a boyfriend.

Don't be afraid to acknowledge that some sadness is normal during the Christmas festivities. Divorce represents a major life change, so it's perfectly natural to feel some grief during your first holiday as a single person. You don't want to dwell on these feelings unnecessarily, but taking the time to write in a journal or talk to a close friend can help give you the perspective you need to move on with your life and focus on all the exciting possibilities that are in store for you in 2012.

Pasadena divorce attorneys understand that celebrating the holidays is seldom easy. If this will be your first year celebrating as a blended family, start your preparations as early as possible. Scheduling a celebration can be complicated, since your children and his children are likely to need to attend several different holiday functions and your child custody agreement might not allow much room for flexible scheduling. The earlier you start comparing schedules, the more likely you'll be to find a time that works for everyone.

If for some reason you can't find a date near the actual holiday that works, consider moving your celebration forward or backward a week or so. Many families, even those that aren't dealing with the effects of a divorce and remarriage, make a tradition out of shopping for gifts during the after-Christmas sales and exchanging presents sometime in mid-January. If you approach planning for the holidays with the attitude that you're making new memories instead of being forced to make concessions by your ex, you might be surprised by how much fun you end up having.

Traditions are an important part of any holiday celebration, but don't forget that not everyone values the same activities. You might be most excited about baking Christmas cookies with your daughter, while she may treasure memories of the two of you watching movies together while sipping cups of hot chocolate. Your stepson may be eager to go to church on Christmas Eve, even if your own children aren't particularly religious. As you're planning your celebration, remember to ask everyone what traditions are most important to them. Although it's unlikely you'll be able to incorporate absolutely every holiday ritual, making an effort to be inclusive with your planning sets the tone for a successful celebration.

Finally, as anyone who has ever been through a separation or divorce can attest, having a positive attitude makes it much easier to get through stressful times. If your celebration doesn't go exactly as planned, try not to dwell on the negative aspects. Focus on what went well and try to find bits of humor in your situation. Resist the urge to make negative comments about your ex, his new love interest, or the mother of your stepchildren. You can't change the past, but you can focus on making the most of your present festivities.

Pasadena divorce lawyers often recommend co-parenting to divorcing couples who have a healthy line of communication and who appear to be good candidates for the arrangement. But it certainly isn't for every couple. It requires a lot of work with your former spouse and a removal of ego in favor of doing what's best for the children. Actress Olivia D'Abo, who rose to fame in the 1980s on the sitcom The Wonder Years, recently spoke to Celebrity Baby Scoop about the ups and downs of parenting with a spouse after a divorce.

D'Abo has a fifteen-year-old son named Oliver and is one of the few celebrities who opted for co-parenting as a solution after her divorce.

"After my relationship ended with Oliver's dad, I met and married my husband Patrick when Oliver was just 5 years old so really the three of us have all been co-parenting Oliver for about 10 years," she says. "It's been a work in progress and at first it was challenging but now we all appreciate how much support we have and so does Oliver. I think we all feel like we've achieved something really special and important, as it's been proven through hard work that it can be quite fluid."

But the threesome didn't click on parenting overnight; in fact, the arrangement took some time.

"It takes time to see where your strengths and weaknesses lie and who should take the lead in certain areas at certain times," D'Abo admits.

The actress thinks if the communication is healthy between exes, then co-parenting can be wonderful. Strict scheduling and discipline, she says, are the keys to successful co-parenting.

"A good important tip when co-parenting is that selfishness and your own need for self-satisfaction has to go out the window," she notes. "For example, it shouldn't be about who gets more time. It should always be about what's right for the child in that particular moment. If the parents live apart it's really wise to draw up and lay out a proper schedule at the beginning of each year that you're absolutely sure you can stick to for everyone's comfort level, most importantly for your child, so they feel the organization is dealt with between the adults ahead of time. The most important thing a parent can do is stay neutral for their child so you never bring them into any unnecessary tension. If you can pull that off your child will only benefit.

If you're a parent in the middle of a contested divorce in Pasadena, it's hard not to worry about how your divorce will affect your children. Many kids have behavioral problems after a family breakup. Others experience periods of being withdrawn and depressed. And some, according to a new study, turn to alcohol to deal with their parents' divorce.

Demos think-tank analyzed the drinking habits of 32,000 people in the United Kingdom during the last three decades and found that a child's upbringing shapes their relationship with alcohol. Children of divorce, according to the study, are more likely to exhibit "problematic drinking behaviors." 16 year olds with disengaged parents are over eight times more likely to drink excessively than children whose parents are more hands-on.

But author of the report Jamie Bartlett doesn't say that all kids of divorce are destined to have drinking problems.

"Divorce won't make your child a drinker, but instability and stress around relationship breakdown takes its toll on parents and children," he says in an interview with the Daily Telegraph. "Difficult relationships and high levels of stress for parents with young children have been shown to affect children later on and their relationship with alcohol is no exception. Setting strong rules around alcohol consumption as children get older will be crucial to ensuring that we are not raising a generation of binge drinkers."

On the positive side, children who experienced "high levels of parental warmth" under the age of 5 are less likely to develop problematic drinking habits. Bartlett notes that young children must have strong support systems if their parents divorce.

"Simply put, if a set of parents spends a lot of time with the child, while also enforcing rules and discipline, the child is much less likely to drink excessively as an adolescent and as an adult, compared with children whose parents did not," the report noted.

The study did not focus on drinking habits in other places than the United Kingdom, but a report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control released last year found that one in four teenagers and young adults binge drink.

How Bad is Cohabitation Really?

Sociologists, journalists and divorce attorneys in Pasadena all have something to say about a new study which claims children of unmarried cohabitating parents are at risk for serious personal problems. The report, published by the University of Virginia's National Marriage Project and the Institute for American Values, claims that children who grow up with unmarried parents are more likely to use drugs, have emotional problems and fail in school. While such findings make for great headlines, many are saying the problems aren't as cut and dry as the study suggests.

Sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox, who co-authored the study with 18 other scholars, contends the report's findings are both accurate and shocking in what they reveal about the state of the American family.

"This report also indicates that children in cohabitating households are more likely to suffer from a range of emotional and social problems - drug use, depression and dropping out of high school - compared to children in intact, married families," Wilcox notes.

His fellow researchers point to instability being the biggest problem of cohabitating couples. Unmarried couples with a child are more than twice as likely to break up before their child turns 12 as their married counterparts. Without the stability found in married couples, children are more likely to experience depression and drug use, the study says.

But does marriage really make life easier on a child? Others say the instability in cohabitating relationships is coming from bigger issues like poverty, lack of education and unemployment, not simply because the couple didn't choose to walk down the aisle. Family law professors June Carbone and Naomi Cahn say the problems run much deeper.

"Marriage rates by themselves have a variety of meanings, but class-based increases in family instability have one overriding consequence: the creation of a less-just society with diminished prospects for a large percentage of our children," the pair wrote in The Huffington Post. "What we really need to do is increase our investments in children, employment stability and healthy communities and stop pretending that family structure is simply a matter of morals or will."

If you're a parent seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, you're undoubtedly concerned about how your kids will adjust to their new lives. A big part of feeling adjusted for kids is feeling like their new homes are safe, well-organized and have touches that assure them that everything will be okay.

Organizational expert Maureen Coleman, who owns a de-cluttering business in Denver as a well as a custom frame shop, says that the biggest thing that helps your kids feel at home is picking your battles.

"If your son wants to hang on to framed photo of him and his dad at a baseball game, let him," she says. "Sure, looking at your ex every day isn't ideal but letting your son hang on to possessions associated with good memories is priceless."

Coleman also notes that having kids' belongings well-organized deflates a lot of stress and tension that could arise between you and your ex.

"Periodically, taking an inventory of what is in your kids' room is a great idea," she adds. "It's helpful to know before the recital if their favorite dress has been left at daddy's or if their basketball shoes need replacing before the game happens. Inventory lets divorced parents know what their kids have and what they've left behind at their other homes."

Coleman notes that buying doubles of clothing and toys can be pricey but may ultimately save you money - and heartache. When it comes to homework, kids of divorce need more help organizationally than other kids, so Coleman recommends a bulletin board or dry erase board where kids can keep track of what is due and where their supplies are for upcoming assignments.

Lastly, she says that children of divorce should be included in the decorating process.

"When moving into a new home, it's important for kids to get involved with making the house a home," Coleman notes. "Letting children pick out candles or new plates or paint colors for their rooms is not only encouraging them to be creative, but letting them fill their new space with fun things that make them happy. Plus, it puts them in the center of the process and sends the message that 'we can still have a happy home even though things are different.'"

If you are a parent seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, chances are you are worried about how all of this will affect your children. Many parents worry if their successes and failures at marriage directly impact their child's future relationships. A new article in The Wall Street Journal suggests that children of divorce have learned from their parents' mistakes and tend to have happier, longer-lasting marriages.

Author Susan Gregory Thomas, a child of divorce, says the children of Generation X - kids born between 1965 and 1980 - have witnessed the effects of divorce and taken its lessons to heart.

"According to U.S. Census data released this May, 77 percent of couples who married since 1990 have reached their 10-year anniversaries," Thomas says. "We're also marrying later in life, if at all. The average marrying age in 1950 was 23 for men and 20 for women; in 2009, it was 28 for men and 26 for women," Thomas writes.

She also points out that modern couples are more likely to live with one another before getting married. A 2007 study from the National Bureau of Economic Research noted that "among those entering first marriages in the early 2000s, nearly 60 percent had previously cohabited with their future spouses." Thomas says that many couples are taking their time to get to know one another before walking down the aisle, therefore meaning less divorces.

Yet Thomas is a realist (and she herself has divorced). Being part of the divorce generation, she points out that survivors of divorce are more likely to partake in civil and amicable breakups after witnessing their parents' nasty divorces.

"I have yet to meet the divorced mother or father who feels like a good parent, who professes to being happier with how their children are now being raised. Many of us have ended up inflicting pain on our children, which we did everything to avoid.

But we have not had our parents' divorces, either," she adds. "We can only hope that in this, we have done it differently in the right way."

7 phrases to avoid saying to your children in a divorce 

Divorce turns a person's world upside down. It's emotionally painful, filled with change and important decisions that weigh heavily on the future. Children are the innocent witnesses that require a delicate and compassionate hand as they strive to make sense of their parents' divorce. When seeking divorce support, clients often ask 'how' to talk to their children about the divorce. There are the words themselves, and there is also how much you share. Even the most conscientious single parent can slip into some of these communication mistakes with their kids when emotions heat up. Here is what to avoid in conversation with children affected by divorce: 

1) "I don't want the divorce, but your Mom/Dad won't work on it with me." 

This is a very polarizing statement that sets up the child to blame one parent over the other as the cause of the divorce, and consequently all the change the child is dealing with. This just amplifies the confusion, and hurt your child has instead of empathizing or offering compassion. Even if this is accurate in your marriage, seek out other sources of divorce support to help you deal effectively with the emotions and blame you may feel towards your former spouse.

2) "Tell your Mom / Dad..." 

Keep the adult communications between the adults. Messages between you and your former spouse need to always be kept between the two of you. If you find it challenging to talk over the phone or in person, use email or text message. Let your behavior model for your children that his/her parents use mature, respectful communication in appropriate ways even when in conflict. This is your responsibility as you learn to co-parent and can also provide a huge life lesson for your children about conflict and communication. 

3) "Your Mom / Dad is a ..." 

Before labels, accusations, and hostile language is turned on your children's ears, remember that you are about to speak about a person that this child loves implicitly, trusts, needs and values in their life. Anything you might say to complete this phrase will be based entirely on your perception of your former spouse and not (necessarily) the truth. Additionally, it seeds a very destructive pattern for parent alienation. If you find it difficult to say anything nice about your ex, then find something like, "He/she is doing their best". You are simply affirming that none of us are perfect, but we are all doing the best we can with what we know. 

4)"If you would just ____ , your Mom / Dad wouldn't be so upset with me all the time!" 

No matter what, your kids are not responsible for the quality of your relationship with their other parent. Placing this kind of blame and responsibility on a child creates a deep and heavy burden to him/her to carry. Not only that, you are not fully taking responsibility for your relationship(s). If you want to raise responsible children, show them explicitly how you do that in your own life. Conversely, if you really believe the marriage disintegrated due to a child, seek out a therapist or counselor for divorce support so that you can mend your parent-child relationship. You both are worth it! 

5)"What is your father / mother doing or saying about me?" 

From probing about your former spouses' new relationships, job situation, or thoughts about you, your child is not a spy or secret informer for you. Once again, adult conversations are best left between the adults. If there is something you need to ask or know, ask your former spouse directly. Asking a child to fulfill this role sets them up to feel awkward around you, positions them to betray the other parent, or possibly lie to you out of loyalty to the other parent. Remember to allow your child to be the child. They love both parents even with all of our imperfections. If you notice that you obsess with curiosity over your former spouse, take it as a signal that you are still healing. Time spent lingering over a dead relationship is time that could be invested into rebuilding your life. 

6) "If you want something, ask your Mom. I send her child support, and there is nothing left" 

Child support is another aspect of divorce that needs to remain an adult only issue and conversation. Your children do not need to know how much you either pay or receive for child support, nor your financial constraints. It becomes a part of your financial picture and budget, and how you teach financial lessons to your children is another topic worth consideration. In this case, however, explore the inquiry for money with your child. What is it for? If the money is simply not available in your budget, look for ways to be resourceful. Is there a teaching opportunity available for them to create a plan, earn the money, and save for something important? 

7) "I'm sorry I wasn't there...something important came up" 

Your children need constant reassurance that they are a valued priority in your life. Divorce can totally shift the dynamic and time commitment with your kids, compared to what it was in marriage. This makes is challenging to re-prioritize work time, family time, and personal time. Avoid last minute changes, or alternate care that leaves your children feeling unimportant and abandoned. Using a system to keep your schedule organized is critical so that all three areas of your life are attended to. If you find yourself scheduling personal time over time with your kids, find a system so that you can block out the time at work, and time with your kids. Then get creative! You may even discover that your fun time can include the kids depending on the activity. Play with it, but above all, keep your commitment to your children non-negotiable and the last thing to be cancelled.

Happy parents are more effective at raising happy kids. Be sure to make yourself a priority and invest in seeking divorce support for yourself and your kids' sake. As a result, you'll find the whole process of raising happy, confident kids much easier when you are too!

Divorce therapy for divorcing couples with children is quite simple, if parents take the well-being of their children seriously, show their commitment through actions vs. mere words, and can let go of needing to be right in order to do what's right for the child.

It rests on the usual consensus between parents that an 18-year-old entering the world/college/work force with the characteristics of Child A has a much better chance for a good life than Child B as described below.

It also rests on a shared belief that a child's personality is built largely upon nature (genetics and temperament) and nurture (parenting in early years, social factors in later years) and that nurture through parenting is much more modifiable than is nature.

Other factors that are pointed out but are not generally known by parents (although usually agreed with when explained) are that a child's well being and sense of security are greatly affected by the cooperative, mutually respectful, and enjoyed relationship between the parents. It is not solely determined by the parents' relationship with the children.

A majority of teenagers, when asked if they had the choice between their parents being nicer to them or more loving towards each other, will pick the latter. The animosity between parents is very painful to their children.

There is ample research from child development studies to support this, not to mention asking each parent the effect that their parents' relationship had on each of them.

Developmental psychologists have gone so far as to say that the cooperative and collaborative relationship between parents has a long-lasting effect on the child's own minds and personality, especially with regard to how his or her emotions and logic work together or fight each other. Some psychologists say that arguing between parents is not as detrimental as arguments that never are clearly and fully resolved. That state of "nothing gets better" or "same old thing again" can cause many children to develop a predisposition to anxiety (that the non-resolution will escalate to something worse) or depression (that mom and dad don't seem to like each other).

Divorce Therapy Made Simple has three steps. Family law attorneys or the court usually direct the couple to attend therapy together.

Step 1: Both parents agree and accept that at age 18, a child with the characteristics of Child A is in a much better position to have a good life than Child B.

Step 2: Both parents agree that how the child is nurtured/parented/raised and how the parents interact with each other have a significant influence on raising a child to become either Child A or Child B and that they have a moral responsibility to do right by their child.

Step 3: Each parent needs to make a compelling and convincing case for what they're asking for (regarding living arrangements, custody, and co-parenting) and how it will result in a Child A rather than a Child B. If they can't make such a case for a request with regard to the children, it will be dismissed by the therapist as irrelevant.

Out of these meetings, actionable and observable behaviors are agreed upon that will positively affect their children. The results of such meetings, either positive or negative regarding the co-parenting skills of the parents, may be given back to the attorneys or court in the form of a written report and/or verbal testimony or deposition.

Family law attorneys in Pasadena increasingly see information garnered from online social networking sites used as evidence in court. Social networking sites help people connect, but they also have a way of making people’s lives a matter of semi-public record like never before.

For example, let’s say a husband buys a new girlfriend an expensive gift and announces the purchase on Twitter. In court, he may be found to be dispersing marital assets to a third party. Or a wife may try to prove to the court that she is not capable of getting a job, but she may be found pursuing job interviews on LinkedIn, calling her truthfulness into question.

Divorce lawyers are always looking for evidence that might prove advantageous to their clients’ cases, and these days, sites like LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook are providing just such an advantage. One lawyer advises clients to screen their social networking pages for anything that could be incriminating while, at the same time, he studies the ex’s pages with a fine-toothed comb. Another lawyer notes that it has become routine to review a client’s web presence — along with that of the ex.

In another example, a mother assured the court that she hadn’t been drinking, but one of her social networking pages showed dated photos of her drinking and smoking. This was used in court to cast doubt on her truthfulness.

Sometimes, a divorcing couple’s children can be affected by the social networking pages of their parents, causing conflict with family law courts. Courts often attempt to stop parents from being disparaging about one another to their children by issuing restraining orders. On the one hand, this is a First Amendment issue because it calls into question whether Internet speech can be blocked. At the same time, it is nearly impossible to stop a child from accessing such information. Some cases have seen harassment campaigns by an ex-spouse on a social networking site that resulted in the issuing of a civil order of protection.

For better or for worse, social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn are playing a key role in family law courts.

If you’re seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, chances are the last thing you can imagine doing is going on vacation with your ex. But according to USA Today, divorce-cations are on the rise. Couples who have broken up are travelling together with the children to save money during the divorce process, create harmony and help families heal.

Hollywood star Bruce Willis has vacationed with ex-wife Demi Moore and their three daughters as well as her current husband, Ashton Kutcher, several times. Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson have also vacationed regularly with their children as has media mogul Arianna Huffington and her ex-husband Congressman Michael Huffington. But divorce-cations aren’t just for celebrity families with top therapists. Mike Geoffrion, who manages a bike store in Fort Collins, Colorado, told USA Today he’s vacationed with his ex-wife Janna on several occasions.

"If you get along with your ex it can be very easy to do," Geoffrion said.

He notes that the stresses of one parent doing all the supervision are also lifted when an ex is available to lend a hand.

Los Angeles exes Meredith Morton and Shane Edelman say they’ve also experienced success travelling with one another and their son and his half-siblings. Morton, Edleman, the kids and the new spouses all recently rented a house together in Palm Springs for three days to hang out by the pool. While a cheaper vacation is certainly appealing, it wasn’t the main motivation for the two families travelling together.

"It wasn't just like we were just sharing rent. We went to be with them," Morton said.

Psychologist Fran Walfish and author of The Self-Aware Parent says friendly divorced couples peacefully vacationing together “gets my complete endorsement” — but she notes that trips should be planned thoughtfully so they don’t get the children’s hopes up for a permanent reunion.

“Parents need to be clear that the trip is a special event, like a Disney visit or a birthday trip, and say, 'We really just wanted to both be with you,'" she adds.

Many women seeking divorce advice in Pasadena often worry about the stigma attached to being a single mother. It’s no mystery as to why. Although America has slowly embraced nontraditional families, the country overall still seems like it has mixed feelings about single moms. Now a new poll by the Pew Research Center says Americans do, in fact, still view single mothers as detrimental to society.

Even though the calendar says its 2011, the minds of some Americans when it comes to the roles of mother are clearly stuck in the 1950s, the report notes.

"People aren't embracing these changes, but they are accepting them," Rich Morin, author of the report as well as an editor at Pew told The Washington Post, adding "the days when people were made to wear a scarlet letter or were shunned after a divorce are ancient history."

Pew researchers asked more than 2,500 Americans their thoughts about seven trends in modern relationships that go against the grain of what used to be considered the traditional family: gay couples raising children together, single mothers, partners living together outside of marriage, interracial married couples, women who never have children, and unmarried parents jointly raising children. The poll found that one third said the trends are positive or don’t really affect society while another third considered the changes harmful to society. The rest said they accepted all the changes to the modern family — except for single motherhood.

Sociologist Andrew Cherlin says the results reflect our ideals of two-parent homes.

“Working mothers are acceptable to almost everybody," Cherlin said. "Two parents who are unmarried are tolerated or acceptable. But many people, including single parents themselves, question single-parent families. There's still a strong belief that children need two parents."

But Cherlin also believes that most Americans are primarily concerned for the welfare of children of divorce.

"They're concerned about the economic problems of single mothers, and the amount of effort it takes to be a good parent," he adds. "People aren't anti-single mother as much as they are pro-two parents."

It is a political trend divorce attorneys in Pasadena have seen brewing for quite some time: divorce reform bills. For the last couple of years, a variety of divorce reform acts have been purposed by politicians and lawmakers across the country. Yet just as this trend has gained momentum, two high-profile divorce bills on the ballots in two very different states have been defeated.

In Montana, Republican lawmaker Tom McGillvray proposed a bill that would require divorcing couples to attend seven meetings with a counselor. McGillvray says divorce is damaging a generation of children and thinks counseling could save marriages. Opponents of the bill, however, believe the bill was overstepping its bounds and interfering with the private lives of voters.

"I don't want you telling me what I can and can't do in my married life," argued Democratic Rep. Edie McClafferty. "I'm sure not going to tell anyone what they can and can't do in their married life. Last time I heard, we lived in a free country, people can make their own decisions.

McGillvray’s bill died on the house floor in a 60-40 vote.

Down south in Mississippi, a very different kind of divorce bill also was shot down. The house said "no, thank you" to a bill that would have given a spouse grounds for divorce if they have been away from an abusive situation for five years or longer. Backers of the bill say the bill would have made it easier for victims of abuse to file for divorce after fleeing an abusive situation from a spouse who woudn’t grant them a divorce. The bill had passed earlier in the Senate but was defeated last Thursday on a vote of 81-39. Mississippi law currently allows an abandoned spouse to file for divorce but doesn’t address when one spouse leaves but is denied a divorce by the other spouse.

If you’re seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, it doesn't matter what sex you are. Male or female, divorce is filled with emotional extremes and financial stresses. New reports, however, suggest that the divorce process is tougher on women than it is on men. With childcare responsibilities and fewer financial resources, modern women of divorce are still faced with challenges that their male counterparts are unlikely to encounter.

According to a report from Marie Claire magazine, a woman’s overall quality of life drops 45 percent after a divorce. Another study from Iowa State University’s Institute of Social and Behavioral research found that while divorce didn’t immediately affect a woman’s physical health, the effects on her mental health caused physical problems a decade after divorce. Social isolation and fewer job opportunities after divorce, according to the study, could be responsible for illness reported ten years later. Psychologists attribute stress as the cause of health issues after a divorce.

"It's very, very traumatic... they are so attached to the commitment. The forever of two lives is being upset, and all dreams and hopes, everything that you have thought about since childhood is lost. Even people who are very functioning are surprised at how hard it is just to do their daily activities," says Allison Pescosolido, a grief counselor and cofounder of Divorce Detox, a divorce recovery program for women.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, women are likely to respond to life-changing events like divorce in ways that prolong the stress and increase the risk for depression. Others say divorced women’s quality of life decreases financially because of the need for a clean break from their exes. Lawyer and author Stacy Schneider says women commonly make the big mistake of “wimping out” when it comes to protecting their finances and property and later pay the price. Most divorced women take on additional parenting responsibilities, which also lead to a more challenging daily life.

But there is hope for women who are divorcing. Not only do programs like Divorce Detox and trips to qualified therapists and counselors help, but the experience of divorce can help change a woman’s perspective.

"When I went through my divorce I was devastated," says divorced mom "Susan B" in an e-mail to ABCNews.com. "My children were 13 and 15. I had to sell my house and move to another town. My kids had to switch schools. But with all that being said, we are much better off. We have grown to appreciate things a whole lot more. Yes, we struggled, but we are stronger for it today."

When it comes to the needs of children, family law attorneys in Pasadena take interest. No parent likes to have his or her child improperly tracked into lower-performing programs. In Pennsylvania, a district judge has set a trial date for a lawsuit alleging that special education and lower-level academic classes were being disproportionately filled with black students who had been subjected to improper tracking.

Initially, parents filed a class-action lawsuit, arguing on behalf of all black students in Lower Merion School District. However, in a 2009 ruling, Judge Harvey Bartle ruled that a class-action suit was not appropriate due to each case being too individualized.

The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, which Congress reauthorized in 2004, requires districts to report on whether their special education placements show a disproportionate representation of minorities. Lower Merion's black student population is at about eight percent, whereas special education students in the district are represented at fourteen percent. Although Lower Merion's report to the state includes this fact, it found itself to be within racial disproportionality rules, noting that the disproportion of black students in special education was a result of inappropriate identification of disabilities. In other words, according to the district, it was not a matter of racial or ethnic tracking but misplacement of students in special education programs.

Both the district and lawyers representing the students continue to make their case. The district claims that the plaintiffs are not taking into account their attempts to close the minority achievement gap.

On behalf of the students, Sandra Kerr from the Disability Rights Project said, "We know that within the (school district), there are individuals who care and who want this situation solved. But the (school district) board needs to decisively act to solve this problem."

"The district has acknowledged, through its strategic plan, historical concerns surrounding minority achievement,” the district's statement said. “In response, the district has aggressively sought to take a leadership role in the effort to address minority achievement in the areas of educational programming, hiring, community engagement and staff development."

The court has set a date of Nov. 1 for the trial.

As lawyers in Pasadena can tell you, education is an issue where all parents want their child’s needs to be met. However, many parents are not aware of all the laws that ensure their child is protected. Important legal provisions make educational needs a matter of children’s rights.

For example, many parents are familiar with the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). It is a law ensuring services to children with disabilities throughout the nation. And everyone has heard of the No Child Left Behind Act.

But have you ever heard of the “Williams settlement?”

Here’s a line from the Williams vs. California settlement that a lot of parents interested in family law in Pasadena might find interesting:

“[T]hese thresholds for teacher quality, instructional materials, and school facilities are intended by the Legislature and by the Governor to be a floor, rather than a ceiling, and a beginning, not an end, to the State of California's commitment and effort to ensure that all California school pupils have access to the basic elements of a quality public education.”

On May 17, 2000, a lawsuit was filed against the State of California due to substandard conditions in many California public schools. In August 2004, a settlement was announced. The settlement requires that all students have books and that their schools be clean and safe. It also requires the state to take steps to ensure that students have qualified teachers and that schools deliver these important resources to students.

All public schools in California fall under the provisions of the Williams settlement. A statewide accountability system has been put in place where every school district must now provide a uniform complaint process for complaints regarding insufficient instructional materials, unsafe or unhealthy facility conditions and teacher vacancies.

Budget cuts in California are inevitable, and those who place a premium on quality education are ready to advocate. With the coming budget cuts, the Williams settlement is more pertinent to the rights of children than ever.

Family attorneys in Pasadena know that the breakup of a family is challenging for children regardless of economic background or the careers of their parents. But for famous children whose parents are divorcing, the dissolution of the family brings on a whole separate slew of complicated issues. Lately, we’ve seen kids from the world of entertainment come to grips with their divorcing parents in front of millions of people.

17-year-old Miley Cyrus may be a show business veteran thanks in part to her long-running hit television show Hannah Montana, but in the end Cyrus is a teenager whose parents are breaking up. KidsHealth.org says that teens in particular react strongly to divorce. The site says teens caught in the crossfire of divorce often feel “abandoned, afraid, worried or guilty” in addition to being angry and emotional over the situation. Cyrus has come under fire since her parents broke up and many gossip columnists are worried if the star is headed toward a breakdown. Sources close to the teenager say she is exhausted by pretending her life is normal.

“Miley is trying to be strong going through her parents’ breakup and she loves them both,” a friend recently told Hollywoodlife.com. “Everyone is reading into each of her every moves, like when she goes out with her mom and no one sees her dad. It’s pushing her buttons.”

Family therapists like Karen Mengle say rebellion or feelings of anger and confusion are to be expected by teens whose parents have broken up.

“I think we expect already emotional teenagers to react strongly to divorce, so for somebody like Miley whose whole life is chronicled in the tabloids the issue comes with its own set of challenges unique to famous kids,” Mengle says.

Instead of dealing with it in private, kids like Miley are forced to answer questions about it from the media and this can be particularly stressful. She adds that it is important for teenagers, famous or otherwise, “to able to have safe places to express their feelings about the divorce.”

Family lawyers in Pasadena have witnessed changes in the way stepfamilies have evolved. Long gone are the “Brady Bunch” blended families of yesteryear. Instead, today’s blended families are choosing different approaches to the age-old stepmother and stepfather issues.

According to a recent piece in The New York Times, couples are finding new ways to stay together without blending their families completely. Partial blenders, for example, are couples with children who only live part-time together. Living Apart Togethers or L.A.T.s, on the other hand, are couples that maintain separate residences in an attempt to give children a sense of normalcy.

Sociologist Susan Stewart, who studies the changes in families over time, notes that new solutions for blended families were bound to happen.

“The complexity of families is the real story,” Stewart says. “Family life is not what it was. The divorce rate has been high and stable since the 1980s. The majority of these people go on to marry or cohabit. Then there’s the change in custody patterns, with more and more fathers desiring more time with their children, if not full or shared custody. The traditional family — the married couple/biological children family — is in the minority.”

Stewart also says that another reason the traditional blended family is out of date is because most divorced women have careers and money of their own, making the need to remarry less urgent than it once was. Psychologists like Patricia Papernow point out that sometimes separate residences can help children avoid tough emotional adjustments. The battles between stepchildren and stepparents, in addition to the often-traumatic relocation ramifications, can be solved if parents of blended families look for new ways to be together, Papernow notes.

“We have to think outside the box,” she adds. “If you have to live in two boxes instead of one, that’s a much better solution than shoving everyone together in one box.”

Divorce attorneys in Pasadena know that even in the best situations, the holidays often are a stressful time of year. Between juggling schedules, coordinating holiday travel, planning dinners and attending your child’s holiday performances, there are plenty of opportunities for dramatic interaction with your ex-spouse. But with a bit of planning ahead, some evolved methods of communication and a lot of deep breathing, a happy holiday season can be easier than you think.

The first rule of holiday harmony for divorced families is to plan ahead. A parenting schedule and set of expectations should be established long before you start trimming the tree. Coordinate with your ex several weeks in advance to avoid last minute snafus and unnecessary pressure. Having a clear agreement in writing which states what parent gets the children on what holiday eliminates uncertainty and confusion. Planning ahead with your ex about gift giving is key, too. By dividing the Santa lists amongst you and your ex, the kids are less likely to be disappointed on the big day. Planning all of this in advance will give you more time to actually enjoy yourself, as well.

Next, the biggest thing we can do for our families and children during the holidays is to let bygones be bygones. While this is next to impossible in highly-toxic relationships with exes, an attempt should nevertheless be made to achieve peace — even it if is only for a short period of time. Picking your battles or choosing not to fight at all during the holiday season will help you sleep better at night, too. Not engaging in bickering or jealousy are two big things a parent can do that simply require some maturity.

Lastly, take time for yourself. Divorced parents need to care for themselves so things like an extra yoga class, a movie with friends or a long walk can provide a bit of serenity amidst the holiday chaos. Sure, in these times peace on Earth seems like a tall order, but a little inner peace can be beneficial for those around you as well.

Family lawyers in Pasadena have championed the benefits of co-parenting in divorced couples for years. If both parties are cooperative, respectful and flexible, co-parenting can be a great way for children of divorce to receive full attention and care from both of their parents. However, achieving harmony in co-parenting is especially difficult when an ex-spouse is verbally or physically abusive. According to experts, co-parenting with an abusive ex could be a bad idea — one that may open up a whole new set of problems.

The decision to co-parent in abusive relationships, according to a study from the University of Illinois, often is reached because of fear, economic insecurity and guilt.

“Fear was very important in the women’s decisions to leave, but guilt over breaking up the family was more influential in making custody decisions,” Jennifer Hardesty, who co-authored the study, says.

Therefore, many women who should have sought full custody find themselves continuing the cycle of abuse by agreeing to co-parent with an ex, experts say. Co-parenting101.org, a website devoted to helping divorcing couples find peaceful parenting solutions, says turning a blind eye to an abusive ex can be dangerous to the children left in their care.

“Let us be clear: Co-parenting successfully after divorce is best for kids, but no parent should feel compelled to support their child’s relationship with the other parent at the expense of their own or the child’s safety,” the site says. “To succeed, a co-parenting relationship must be founded on mutual respect, not fear, and both parties must place the needs of the child first. By definition, then, successful co-parenting must be free of abuse of any kind.”

In the end, an otherwise emotionally mature decision to co-parent may not be the wisest decision when dealing with an abusive ex, according to Hardesty.

“So many people think that leaving the abuser means the end of the abuse; when children and custody arrangements are involved, that is often not the case,” she adds.

Before agreeing to co-parent, honest and open discussions with family lawyers and therapists should be conducted first. If you or someone you know needs help finding custody solutions with an abusive ex, please contact us today.

“How much do we tell our kids about the divorce?” is a common questionfamily lawyers in Pasadena and therapists alike hear all the time. On one hand, parents want to encourage an open and honest dialogue with kids in hopes of reducing feelings of confusion surrounding the divorce. On the other hand, parents who share all the intimate details of the break-up run the risk of landing their child in the middle of emotional terrain they unlikely are able to process. So how much is too much when we talk to kids about divorce?

Writer Stephanie Thompson caused a firestorm of criticism last month when she openly shared intimate details of pondering a divorce from her husband with her young sons and then published the whole affair in a much-debated essay. Thompson contends she was simply being honest with her kids about the reality of her marriage, while readers contended she was guilty of oversharing a problem that should have kept private.

Dr. Jenn Berman, a Los Angeles-based child and family therapist, agrees with the readers.

“The No. 1 priority (of parents should be) to protect a child from the specifics,” says Berman. She suggests that parents take a cue from Hollywood publicists and stick to a well-polished press release when talking to their kids about divorce. Details of infidelity, financial problems or other sticky emotional topics should be avoided when telling children about divorce. Instead of the particulars, Berman recommends repeating phrases to the child like “We still love each other and will always work together as your parents."

HelpGuide.org, a website started by therapists devoted to helping readers with emotional problems, recommends being honest with children in a concise way.

“Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them,” the site’s authors say. “Pick something simple and honest, like ‘We can’t get along anymore.’”

Berman agrees and notes too many details could cause your kids problems at school, with friends and at home.

The rule of thumb for all divorcing parents should be talking to children with love. Helpguide.org stresses that saying “I love you” is more important than oversharing every facet of your marriage.

“However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message,” according to the site. “Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework.”