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Once a divorce lawyer in Pasadena helps settle your case, it's up to you to tell your family and friends the news. This isn't an easy conversation to have, but it's better that they hear the news from you directly instead of being surprised by secondhand gossip.

Getting a divorce qualifies as a significant life change, so it's a good idea to tell people in person whenever possible. If you can't tell them in person, pick up the phone. A text or an email can easily be misinterpreted, since there is no body language to help the recipient determine the context of your remarks.

When you tell people you are getting a divorce, keep the juicy personal details to a minimum. Although your emotions are running high at the moment, you want to avoid saying anything that you might be embarrassed by in the future. If you have children, you should refrain from negative comments about your spouse as a sign of respect for the children's relationship with him or her.

Older relatives or those with especially strong religious beliefs often view divorce as a sin. They may blame you for the breakup of your marriage, regardless of the actual circumstances. If you tell them before your divorce is finalized, they may try to convince you to change your mind. Dealing with this behavior can be frustrating. Be polite, but firm. Explain that while you respect their personal feelings about divorce, you are confident you've made the best decision for you.

When telling mutual friends about your divorce, they are likely to feel as if they need to choose sides in the matter. To keep conflict to a minimum, avoid venting excessively about your marital troubles and refrain from asking questions about when they've last spoken to your spouse.

An experienced California divorce attorney can help you with the legal aspects of ending your marriage, but finding the emotional support you need is a bit trickier. If your family and friends react poorly to your announcement, consider joining a divorce support group so you have a place to discuss your feelings with others who are going through similar experiences.

Look at your current relationship and note whether or not any or all of the following apply:

• Is possessive or jealous toward you.
• Bossy or demanding in attempts to control you.
• May have a quick temper and/or is violent.
• Attempts to isolate you by cutting you off from friends, family, and other social contacts.
• Abuses alcohol and/or drugs.
• You feel pressure sexually and/or demands sexual activities you're not comfortable with.
• Tells you you're responsible when he mistreats you.
• History of bad relationships.
• Friends and family are concerned for your health and safety.
• You worry about your partner's reactions to what you say and do.
• Partner makes "jokes" that embarrass, humiliate, or shame you privately or around family and friends.
• Partner has angry outbursts when they feel hurt, shame, fear, or loss of control.
• Partner witnessed abusive parental relationship and/or was abused as a child.
• In order to cope with the pain of the relationship, you and/or your partner have developed or progressed in alcohol or drug dependence.
• You repeatedly leave and return to relationship against the advice of your loved ones.
• You are not able to leave the relationship even though you know it is in your best interests to do so.

If you are thinking about leaving a destructive disturbing or otherwise unworkable relationship know you'll most likely always struggle with claiming a sense of self while with this person. It will zap you of your energy and for all your effort you'll still feel a sense of loss and emptiness. If your partner agrees to couples therapy and both of you are sincerely interested in making positive changes then go for it.

Just be prepared that it might not work and in the end you'll need to get out so you can begin living a normal life.

Remember to expect respect. It takes practice, and trust in yourself, to know when something someone says to you, or wants you to do, isn't right. Stand up for yourself and realize you have great value. Don't let other people push you around, embarrass, or in some other way make you feel inferior. People who are cruel to you are not worth having in your life.

Above all, don't be so dependent on another person, that the value you place on yourself is determined by the attention they pay to you. You are a separate person!

In sickness and in health may be easy words to recite on your wedding day, but studies show men have a hard time living by those words during their marriages. Divorce attorneys in Pasadena have seen article after article that says men are more likely to run out on a partner after they become seriously ill. But the question is why? A new article from the UK may provide some insights.

In December, The Daily Mail ran a provocative piece which looked at the reasons why men divorce wives who get sick. According to the article, a study for Macmillian Cancer Support found that a third of patients experienced difficulties in their relationship after their diagnosis. A quarter of those said they broke up with their partner as a result of their illness. 31 percent of the women in the study said their relationship ended after a cancer diagnosis compared to the 11 percent of men.

Psychologist Lelia Collins says perhaps men leave sick spouses because their wives no longer look the same as they did when they were well.

"Men are more visual than women and are more likely to be attracted by what they see. Equally they are more likely to reject for this reason," Collins told the Daily Mail.

Counselor Jan Slater says physical limitations can also hinder intimacy.

"If someone is in a wheelchair, they are physically dependent on their partner. They can't just walk off and slam the door after an argument, for instance," she says. "They are no longer equal, adult to adult, as they once were - or indeed as they would want to be. If you are someone's (caregiver), it can be more akin to being their mother than their partner."

These new roles can hurt a couple who used to have an active sex life, Slater notes, saying "women will leave a relationship too if a man changes drastically."

The Seattle Care Alliance, which conducted a study of cancer patients and divorce, says divorce can be avoided in families dealing with a serious illness.

"We recommend that medical providers be especially sensitive to early suggestions of marital discord in couples affected by the occurrence of a serious medical illness, especially when the woman is the affected spouse and it occurs early in the marriage. Early identification and psychosocial intervention might reduce the frequency of divorce and separation, and in turn improve quality of life and quality of care."

By

Anne Vitiello

I was sitting among a circle of the earnest, at an Omega Institute retreat weekend. It was the first of a total of 4 nights (non consecutive) that I had taken for myself, away from home, during a 12-year marriage (Not that I hadn't been away overnight on other occasions, but it seems reasonable not to count the weekends at cancer hospitals and rehabs with my Dad -- though that rare, quiet breakfast at the Cincinnati airport did feel like a guilty indulgence).

Participants discussed their feelings of alienation at holiday gatherings. The vegan loathed the feasting on dead animal flesh; the still-closeted gay only son dreaded the inquiries about his relationship status; the troubled poet felt she would grind her teeth to splinters suppressing an outburst; the long-married husband yearned for a different life... All in turn expressed their personalized version of the same theme: a silent scream of alienation.

By the time it was my turn, I had overcome my fear of seeming dull, and mustered the courage to express something counter to the growing consensus of "anti-traditional" proclamations: "Well, as the person who probably would have spent the week prior to the holiday cleaning, shopping, decorating and cooking, I am starting to get the same feeling sitting here in this circle!"

Same sense of being an outsider. Different scenario. And the lesson that often feelings of otherness are our own creation, not something that those around us are imposing.

Divorce has become so commonplace and accepted, there's no reason to feel like an outsider. However, try telling that to odd Uncle H. who opted out of three invitations because he would prefer solitude over a pitying glance or well-intentioned advisory speech. And tell the same to kooky Aunt F. who was two chardonnays into the evening and three feet from the kids table when she blurted that she hit the dating lotto on her post-divorce lover, landing a guy who was hung like a cannon after enduring years of sexual famine.

The divorced are, at worst, in grief, and at best, in transition. Both altered states can make for some odd company. We may drink too much, talk too much, not want to talk, not want to eat, not do our share of the dishes, not remember peoples' names or presents. We may break from tradition, possibly spend holidays visiting new places rather than facing lifelong family.

We may dread being set up on a blind date or resent being passed up for one. If we are without our own kids, we may have a hard time enjoying yours. We may have a new relationship, and feel extra-weird about it, or may seem too comfortable or entitled to our new freedom for your own liking.

It's all about perspective, and more than that, it's about compassion. Forget empathy for the moment; it's unattainable for all but very few human beings. We seek one another's company (or we don't) at holiday time, and the perfect gift we could give to everybody is some slack. It's free, after all. And it is the most appropriate choice, especially when you do not relate to the recipient's point of view.

Of course holidays can be treacherous for anybody, including the married's. Heck, I remember in-laws too; it wasn't that long ago. But the occasional tensions among extended family can look like child's play compared with the post divorce potential for drama. Who knew that the infamous chopped liver incident of `99 would eventually pale in comparison with this year's invitation sabotage?

If the holidays can be an emotional minefield, then the holidays plus divorce can be that same minefield being spritzed with napalm.

So, let's declare a truce. We accept your smugness or intolerance, you accept our grandiosity or mopiness. A generosity of the heart may bring us to unconventional outcomes that are in fact most true to the spirit of the season.

Last year marked the first time since their birth that I spent Thanksgiving without my daughters. I felt abundant gratitude toward my sister who, though a keeper of great traditions, was understanding about my declining to spend the day in her crowded, happy home. She offered alternatively the private use of her beautiful mountain lake house, where I could instead create a new way of enjoying a quiet holiday.

A good policy: Have mercy, even when it seems unwarranted. We know that marriage can be a drag (in fact, who knows better than us?). But divorce is a death, even if sometimes akin to euthanasia. And deaths, like births, mean upheaval. So, a recently divorced person is no more assured of "normal" behavior than are the bereaved who have just pulled the plug on a loved one, or a woman who has just given birth.

It's understandable that if your marriage is less than blissful, you may have scant patience for divorcees who can't keep a lid on their annoying exhilaration or depressing drama. They may seem deserving of destitution in their personal or financial lives. However, when in doubt, let's give the benefit of same. Because as is often the case among human beings, we are more alike than we are different.

Peace on Earth, and at the punch bowl.