Recent Posts in Education Category

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. 
~ Mary Kay Blakely

Getting a divorce is terrifying for the average person under average circumstances. Unlike other aspects of life, it does not necessarily get easier once youstart the process .  In fact, as you learn more about the legalities and finances, and as you get deeper into tasks such as dividing assets and debts, negotiating child custody, and addressing home, money, and job issues, it usually gets more difficult.

Just as you turn your life over to a surgeon when undergoing an operation, in a divorce you are asked to turn your well-being over to a number of different professionals, such as accountants, attorneys, and counselors. Having to trust these people with your financial and emotional welfare can certainly feel as though your life depends on their performance.

Although the process is not a linear one (meaning that it doesn't necessarily get better or easier with time), keep in mind that this ordeal will end, life will return to "normal" again, and you will regain your strength.

Just as we physically recover from surgery, our minds, hearts, and spirits recuperate from marital dissolution. It's a difficult process, even under the best of circumstances, but you will survive, and there is a new life awaiting you on the other side.

AFFIRMATION

I will survive this ordeal.

Parental Alienation - A Corrosive Legacy 
By Judge Michele Lowrance

I have been a judge on the divorce bench for 16 years, and have watched the wreckage of the corrosive legacy of parental alienation and visitation interference play out over decades. We have no statistics for measuring this group, because the victims are too vast. But the concentric circles include the children, their children and the extended family as well. The declaration of war by one parent on another creates radioactive fallout, which contaminates for generations.

The alienating parent treats the target parent like a disease in the child that must be removed. They make the child's survival contingent upon such removal. So the child must extricate the parent without the privilege of grieving the loss. These are crippling circumstances.

I have witnessed impassioned declarations of love for a child by an alienating parent to masquerade the venom he/she feels for the other parent. Parents who do this are not interested in mere control. Their stakes are higher: total annihilation of the target parent's bond with the child. Little by little, alienation in a divorce case starts to take root. And when it fully takes root, I see the child's boundaries collapse before my eyes. Soon the child forgets how to protect him or herself, and must align with the alienating parent as if life depends on it -- because it does.

Perhaps curing this degenerating influence may, in the future, be addressed by therapy. But for now, we can and must do better. I want to tell you how to be proactive in court, and how to fight against the inclination to give up like so many hurt, alienated parents -- who are, frankly, not always welcomed in the courts.

Why Cases Involving Parent Alienation are so Difficult

Here are some reasons these cases are so difficult, and why judges often have no love for them:

1. Combative parents present conflicting stories of "he said / she said," and make it very difficult to determine who is telling the truth. Often an alienating parent comes to believe what he or she is saying, and their presentation seems authentic.
2. When targeted parents present their side of the case, they are often angry and frustrated -- and as a result, they don't present very well in court. Judges often consider attitude as influential as content.
3. The children often support the alienating parent by telling the judge, their attorney and mental health professionals how they have been treated badly, and of their dislike, for the target parent. The reasoning skills of alienated children are often compromised, as is their ability to choose freely.
4. Alienated children often won't cooperate with therapeutic intervention, and courts have difficulty enforcing these orders.
5. Judges like to believe that what they do works and it is the right decision. When their decisions don't work, they often get exasperated with both parties.

What You can Do in Courts

Despite these difficulties there is plenty that you can do. Here are some suggestions for handling parental alienation in the courts:

1. Parenting plan orders should be entered as soon as possible.
2. Create an alienation map or chart for the judge, which shows him or her in five minutes what couldn't be said in five hours. This map should include all missed visits, and a list of all the denigrating phrases made by alienating spouse to the children, including the friends and/or extended family of the hated parent (if they are admissible in evidence). If you know how to make a graph, you can show the increase in missed visits in a very compelling and impactful way.
3. Most judges aren't warm to the phrase Parent Alienation Syndrome. Instead, ask the judge to please keep an eye open for visitation interference, as the case progresses, and describe for him or her the maligning behavior.
4. Get a court order for parenting therapy as soon as possible.
5. If orders are violated, go to court on a Rule To Show Cause for violation of the order as soon as possible. If you can't afford an attorney, then do this yourself. Write petition for rule, for visitation violation, for family therapy, or for makeup visitation.

You may be among the many alienated parents I have known, who have grown weary due to the repetitive stress fracture on your heart. Each time your visitation is interfered with, it has a cumulative affect. This can make you hyper sensitive, which easily magnifies your emotional response.

Because your emotions are flooding your ability to reason, writing and rewriting a petition with your attorney is a rational thing to do and gives your thoughts "breathing time." If you immediately act upon your anger, you are just going to make things worse -- and perhaps run the risk that the other parent will get an order of protection against you. Reflect upon the past consequences of your amped up anger. Did you write nasty emails, make hostile phone calls, yell at your child, become overly aggressive, or decide to retreat and do nothing?

The way to tell if your anger serves you is to always ask yourself the following four questions:

1. Does this anger further my constructive goals?
2. Does this anger further degenerate my relationship with my children?
3. In what ways does this anger help me?
4. In what ways does this anger help my spouse?

If your reactions are based upon what has been done to you, you can only respond with hatred. When you do this, you give the alienating parent the "upper hand," because he or she has provoked you to become the hateful person who they are portraying you to be to the children. Don't let someone else provoke, influence, and therefore control how you behave. You run the risk of actually becoming as miserable and dysfunctional of a person as they're trying to portray you to your children. When you react with hatred, you not only play into their hands, you're letting them steer your ship, letting them determine your present and future.

When Your Children Come Home, Who do You Want Them to Come Home to?

As you read this, you may be on the edge of giving up. You may be starting to feel that nothing can work against your former spouse's devotion to destroy your relationship with your children. Even though you may be physically invisible to your children, you will always be visible to them through stories, gossip and second hand reporting from all sources. When we lose a loved one, we often decide to live the way that the departed person would have wanted us to. In the same spirit, when you lose a child to alienation, you need to live as if he or she is watching you. Your long term goal is to become the person your child wants to come home to.

Michele F. Lowrance has been a domestic-relations judge in the Circuit Court of Illinois since 1995. A child of divorce who was raised by her grandparents, Judge Lowrance has been divorced and has devoted her professional life to helping those similarly situated.

On Wednesday February 8, 2012, a evening event hosted by the Pasadena Bar Association, Family Law Section, proved to be extremely informative and beneficial for those in attendance.  At the meeting, the complexity of the " parental alienation" problem was addressed by three renowned child custody experts.  At the meeting, a three-panel presentation was given by Leslie M. Drozd, Ph.D., Kathryn Kuehnle, Ph.D., and Lisa Kiriakidis, certified family law specialist. 

The presentation began with Kathryn Kuehnle's overview of the research and misconceptions related to parental alienation.  Ms. Kuehnle introduced numerous concepts in her presentation, such as:

  1.         Gate keeping (restrictive and protective);

  2.         Estrangement and abuse;

  3.         The fact that parental alienation is not a "syndrome";

  4.         Her belief that pre‑existing relationships can matter with respect to the      success of reunification; and

  5.         Her belief that various parental behaviors and beliefs can cause parental alienation, such as the custodial parent's desire to replace the other parent with a stepparent, or where feelings of betrayal interfere with acting in the children's best interest to foster a positive relationship with the other parent.

Next, Leslie M. Drozd discussed the complexity of the problem and introduced the concept of "and", rather than "or".  Ms. Drozd explained that in many custodial evaluations, where there is alienation there is also abuse and/or estrangement.  Consequently, Ms. Drozd suggested that family law professionals should not view alienation in a vacuum but should look out for other problems in the family dynamic.    

Ms. Drozd and Ms. Kuehnle also emphasized that a lot of research still needs to be done in this area and that many of the existing studies are flawed.  Finally, Ms. Drozd and Ms. Kuehnle cautioned those in attendance not to jump to conclusions with respect to parental alienation and to think carefully before assuming this exists in a family dynamic.

The third panelist, Lisa Kiriakidis, gave a powerful personal account of her own child custody battle where parental alienation existed.  Mr. Kiriakidis gave a detailed account of how her family was impacted by the problem and at the conclusion of her summary those in attendance could have no doubt of the excruciating impact that parental alienation could have on a parent-child relationship.  Ms. Kiriakidis concluded by describing how she addressed the problem in her own custody battle and how she was able to save her son from an unhealthy situation by bringing her matter swiftly to the court's attention and obtaining an order to change custody, as well participating in reunification therapy.  Ms. Kiriakidis explained that reunification came swiftly in her case and that her son was appreciative of her efforts.  Ms. Drozd and Ms. Kuehnle added at the conclusion of Ms. Kiriakidis' account that they observed that the success of reunification is often related to the strength of the parents' relationship prior to the custody dispute.

At the end of the meeting, I was struck by the thought of how many children do not receive the benefit of having an parent like Ms. Kiriakidis or a competent family law attorney intervene on their behalf.  As a family law attorney, I am more resolved than ever to protect clients and their children where the other parent is engaging in parental alienation.  I also understand the importance of prompt judicial intervention and assertive lawyering when faced with parental alienation.  By the reaction of those in attendance, I know I was not the only one who appreciated this presentation.

Do parents have an obligation to assist with expenses relating to their child's college education? While some parents start saving for their child's tuition as soon as they receive a positive pregnancy test, others believe it's important for their children to work and pay for their education on their own. However, if a child has divorced parents, the court may order college support payments. Parents can also negotiate to have this included as part of their divorce decree.

Child support payments are payments that are made for the living expenses of the child, while college support payments are payments that are made for the post-secondary education expenses of the child. It is possible to be ordered to pay both child support and college support for the same child, although sometimes a judge will allow you to pay child support payments directly to the child instead of your ex-spouse if he is living off campus and has significant monthly expenses that must be paid.

Judges consider several different factors when deciding if college support is appropriate, such as the financial resources of the child's parents, the child's own income and assets, the nature of the child's educational goals, and the standard of living the child would have had if his parents had not divorced. If a parent is ordered to provide college support, the child receiving the support often must meet specific obligations regarding school attendance, the number of credits earned each semester, and the grades received for each class.

If you have tuition remission offered as an employment benefit, this can't be used in place of your court-ordered college support payments. Typically, courts will rule that both parents must benefit from the tuition remission.

Any Pasadena divorce attorney will tell you that college support awards are controversial, since there are no laws requiring parents who remain married to contribute financially to the cost of their child's education. Even if you are not legally ordered to provide college support payments, however, you should consider that your child's eligibility for grants, loans, and other forms of financial aid is dependent upon your income. When completing the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), college students must report parental income and assets regardless of whether or not they are receiving parental assistance with their educational expenses.

Look at your current relationship and note whether or not any or all of the following apply:

• Is possessive or jealous toward you.
• Bossy or demanding in attempts to control you.
• May have a quick temper and/or is violent.
• Attempts to isolate you by cutting you off from friends, family, and other social contacts.
• Abuses alcohol and/or drugs.
• You feel pressure sexually and/or demands sexual activities you're not comfortable with.
• Tells you you're responsible when he mistreats you.
• History of bad relationships.
• Friends and family are concerned for your health and safety.
• You worry about your partner's reactions to what you say and do.
• Partner makes "jokes" that embarrass, humiliate, or shame you privately or around family and friends.
• Partner has angry outbursts when they feel hurt, shame, fear, or loss of control.
• Partner witnessed abusive parental relationship and/or was abused as a child.
• In order to cope with the pain of the relationship, you and/or your partner have developed or progressed in alcohol or drug dependence.
• You repeatedly leave and return to relationship against the advice of your loved ones.
• You are not able to leave the relationship even though you know it is in your best interests to do so.

If you are thinking about leaving a destructive disturbing or otherwise unworkable relationship know you'll most likely always struggle with claiming a sense of self while with this person. It will zap you of your energy and for all your effort you'll still feel a sense of loss and emptiness. If your partner agrees to couples therapy and both of you are sincerely interested in making positive changes then go for it.

Just be prepared that it might not work and in the end you'll need to get out so you can begin living a normal life.

Remember to expect respect. It takes practice, and trust in yourself, to know when something someone says to you, or wants you to do, isn't right. Stand up for yourself and realize you have great value. Don't let other people push you around, embarrass, or in some other way make you feel inferior. People who are cruel to you are not worth having in your life.

Above all, don't be so dependent on another person, that the value you place on yourself is determined by the attention they pay to you. You are a separate person!

by Jill Burrett and Michael Green

Separation always disrupts the familiar patterns of family life. Routines and responsibilities that had been established as the family grew and developed have to be renegotiated. How your family operated probably came about without a lot of proactive planning. It's unlikely that either parent worried too much, especially in happier times, about who did what and how much actual time each spent doing the hands-on stuff of day-to-day family life.

Why families work well

Traditional family life has its own built-in efficiencies that work well for children, if not always for parents. Children can see both of the most important people in their lives every day. Busy parents can feel connected with everyone on very little time. Each parent takes on responsibilities that fit their skills, availability, and interests, and a natural division with commonsense delegation of domestic activities develops. Whatever partnership frustrations and disappointments you are struggling with, the family you have created is the only one your children know and is what they depend on for their security. It's an effective and uncomplicated arrangement for your kids that meets their growing needs even if it doesn't always work for you.

Why separating means big changes

Because you're living separately, you have to adjust to a system of parenting in shifts, in which you are completely on or off. You may have to go for days without seeing your kids, and you might not have bargained on making that adjustment until they were much older. Now the kids are off to their other home for parts of the week, leaving you feeling stranded and unsettled.

The scene is set for you both to start worrying about potential grievances and uncertainties: what's fair, how to juggle everything so you don't lose touch, whether the kids will love you less if you're not there all the time, who's paying for everything for the kids, how a parent who's never been around much for them can look after them properly, and so on. Research on children of divorce has produced varied results. However, there is agreement that separation can put children at serious risk in a number of ways. Currently, about 80 percent of the children whose parents are separated live in sole-mother custody arrangements, and around a third of them have little or no contact with their fathers. The common arrangement for parenting children after divorce living with Mom and visiting Dad often leaves everyone dissatisfied. There is evidence that it does little for parent child relationships and can reduce one parent to onlooker status. Children cared for mainly by mothers can too easily lose contact with their fathers. Mothers can find parenting on their own a tough task and need relief and support. Fathers who experience difficulties maintaining contact often withdraw from their children's lives, with negative consequences for themselves and for the children.

But recent research brings us good news: children in shared-care arrangements appear to be better adjusted on several levels; and many studies show that most parents with majority care want their ex-partners to see more of the children.

What should parents do?

Because families are all different, no one post-divorce arrangement can be in the best interests of all children. It's how you parent, not how many hours you put in, that matters, although quantity of time is relevant because it supports quality parenting.

Parenting takes patience, self-sacrifice, and self-analysis. Separation is an opportunity to rethink your parenting priorities. Your children need time-meaningful time-with both of their parents. They need to feel you are available. They need you to give them guidance, sympathy, discipline, and supervision. They need you to convey a strong sense of their importance to you despite your other priorities. Quality parenting takes time, but having time with your children is no guarantee that your parenting is going to be meaningful and constructive, unless you make sure it is. What your kids want, need, and deserve is emotional commitment and active participation from both of you, however their time with you is divided, provided you both have plenty of time with them.

Shared parenting can produce happier children and more satisfied parents

Shared parenting allows both parents substantial time with their children, during which they have full responsibility for day-to-day decisions about them. There is no "major caretaker" or "custodian" of the children, no "part-time" or "visited" parent. Time-sharing may be equal, or something approaching that. Both parents share responsibility and authority for their children's upbringing; both are acknowledged to be equally important for the lives of their children; both have the duty to foster their own and each other's healthy and meaningful relationships with their children.

Consider a radical overhaul

"Equal time-share," "fifty-fifty," "joint custody" whatever you call it may not be the most practical, desirable, or affordable one for all sorts of reasons. But there's no reason why your starting point for planning how you organize yourselves shouldn't be a level playing field. Your children are your equal responsibility. This was your starting point for family life as you planned and expected it to be, and separating shouldn't and doesn't need to change this. Whatever has happened between you two that caused you to separate, and however angry or resentful you might feel about it, your kids need you both.

So start thinking about parenthood continuing as fully as possible for both of you, about the scope for engaged parenting developing in new ways, and about what changes (in attitude and output) you're going to have to make if shared parenting is to work well for your children:

• Put your children's welfare ahead of your own feelings
• Believe that your children love and need two parents
• Recognize and accept that everyone is different, and different in their parenting
• Work out a parenting plan that is creative and flexible
• Keep at it through thick and thin

Shared parenting can work, and children today will benefit enormously if there's more of it.

__________________________________________________________________

This article has been edited and excerpted with permission from Shared Parenting: Raising Your Children Cooperatively After Separation. Copyright © 2009 by Jill Burrett and Michael Green, Celestial Arts, an imprint of Ten Speed Press, a division of the Crown Publishing Group, Berkeley, CA.

By April Lopez

One of the top four negative life experiences is divorce. It is heart melting and gut-wrenching.

Divorce affects all parties involved. The husband and wife will ultimately have a reduction in income and/or an increase in expenses. Families and friends will be divided and most importantly children will be caught in the middle.

The fact is 52 percent of all marriages end in divorce.

Some people have financial problems but sometimes we don't realize that these problems are big enough to end the marriage. If your marriage still ends up in divorce even after a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse, you need to create an exit strategy and rebound after the divorce.

When it's time to move on, you need to pick your head up, regain your confidence and strut. You also need to revise your W4 (withholding allowance certificate) because it most probably states there that you're married with a number of exemptions. Since you are now single, you have to claim single. Next is changing your beneficiary designations.

You may have put your spouse's name on your retirement accounts, pension plans and life insurance policies, etc. So before your ex-spouse and his/her new partner can take advantage of that, you may want to change your designated beneficiary immediately. Additionally you need to update your will, and power of attorney. Do you want your ex-spouse to take your various assets? Do you want your ex-spouse to decide on major medical decisions for you? Do you want your ex-spouse to take over your finances if something unfortunate happens to you? If the answer to all questions is no, then you should update your will, living will and power of attorney.

In a separation agreement or divorce decree, it may state who's responsible in paying certain bills, so next stop is closing all joint loans and credit cards. Both spouses will be held liable if both names are on the loan. So close out all credit cards and loans and transfer balances to accounts listed exclusively in the name of the person who's responsible in paying them. For getting names off a title, deed, mortgage and car note, you need special handling. You need to talk to an expert to ensure that you do things right.

Maintaining the same standard of living, lifestyle and expenses that you had when you were married on a reduced single person income is one of the most common mistakes divorced couples make. So, make sure you plan for this properly. If your divorce settlement is complicated, you may want to consider using a financial expert to help you with your financial projections.

by Brette McWhorter Sember, JD

There are several ways child support can be paid, and each method has advantages and disadvantages. One parent can directly pay the other by cash, check, or money order. This person-to-person method is simple and does not require waiting for any processing time by the state. The receiving parent must keep records and track the payments. Enforcement is more difficult and is not as automatic. If you agree to this type of payment, it is wise to include a provision that if payment is missed for a certain number of months, wage garnishment (see below) will be set up automatically.

Wage garnishment is another method of payment. Child support is deducted from the paying spouse's paycheck and sent either to the receiving spouse or to the state Child Support Enforcement Agency. Garnishment requires an extra step of formally notifying the paying parent's employer and setting a court date for the garnishment order. The parent receiving the support must handle all of the paperwork. The employer is legally obligated to withhold the support from the paycheck. The advantage of this method is that payment is made automatically. There are several disadvantages. First of all, the paying parent is likely to find it embarrassing, which might escalate hostilities between you. Second, there are limits to how much can be garnished from wages, so you may not be able to get the entire support amount this way. If your spouse is self-employed, you cannot garnish the wages. You also cannot prevent the paying spouse from quitting his job, which then puts you in the position of having to do more legwork to find the new employer and garnish again.

Wage garnishment is controlled by the Consumer Credit Protection Act, a federal law that limits the percent of wages that can be garnished. The garnishment law allows up to 50% of a worker's disposable earnings to be garnished for child support if the worker is supporting another spouse or child, or up to 60% if the worker is not. An additional five percent may be garnished for support payments more than 12 weeks in arrears.

The third option is to have your state child-enforcement agency collect all child support. You can agree to send payment through this organization from the beginning or at any point while child support is being paid. This is also the agency that will assist you in collecting unpaid child support. The advantage of this method is that the receiving parent doesn't have to do any legwork or keep any records and the parents don't need to have any contact with each other about child support (which can be helpful if you're prone to disagreements about this). Payments are automatically increased with the cost of living. The disadvantage is that the agency may take a small percentage of the payment as an administrative fee. The paying spouse may not appreciate this method, as there is absolutely no slack given for late or missed payments. Another disadvantage is that you're dealing with a government agency, so there is likely to be red tape and backlogs.

Divorce may make the most sense when you think you can least afford it.

A dissolution isn't cheap, but there are certain times it can be financially advantageous such as now given our country's current economic predicament.

I am not encouraging divorce, but you should not let a poor economy prevent an inevitable break up. In the stock market, you buy low and sell high. Why would you divorce high and not low?

The current economy significantly affects the outcome of a divorce but not the fundamental decision to file. In general, a couple's economic situation is a contributing factor, but I have yet to see a client choose to file for divorce simply because he / she is unhappy with the marital income, assets, debts, or liabilities.

There are usually deeper issues and problems that dominate the action. Divorce is something you don't want to choose unless you must. To those of you who must, I want you to keep in mind the timing of a divorce.

As money becomes tighter, a lot of people are increasingly concerned with the costs of divorce, including attorney fees, the additional expenses of a physical separation, and the effects of the divorce on the marital estate.

They see their finances, they see the mortgage is upside down, and they know the likelihood of future child support and spousal support payments will make it difficult to financially manage a divorce, so they go about planning for the future and preparing to file for a divorce later on when they have better financial footing.

But is that the best move?

Hard economic times are potentially favorable to the party that generates more income and has more assets, particularly temporarily depressed assets. It may be less financially painful to divide the assets, such as your home or your retirement account, when the values are much smaller.

With the national unemployment rate hovering around 9% and many more people underemployed or facing cutbacks in hours, judges are more sympathetic when the non-custodial parent's salary or bonus has been cut.

The loss in income and earning capacity could lead to lower child support payments, especially as courts have become more reluctant to impute income to a party given the present economy and lack of available jobs.

Whenever a court looks at alimony and child support it will look at your income. Different courts use different formulas, but in virtually all courts the ability to pay is a critical factor.

How many other things in life work like that where the cost of the product or the process is determined by your ability to pay?

If you are considering filing for divorce, you need to complete a strategic analysis and look at where your assets might logically end up at the end of the divorce, whether they are divided via trial or settlement. Then, assess what those values are today compared to a date in the future. Do the same thing with respect to alimony, child support and debts.

Again, I want to stress that I do not advocate for divorce. Do not allow the timing and financial analysis to drive the threshold decision of deciding whether or not getting a divorce is right for you. Your decision to divorce should not be based on a cold financial analysis by you, a lawyer, or a CPA.

But if you've already concluded that you are going to get a divorce or you suspect your spouse may be waiting for favorable circumstances before filing, then you need to sit down with a divorce lawyer to explore the best timing options in your case to minimize your financial exposure.

"So, naturally, I was very excited to meet Edward Pellingham at a dance," explained Kegel. "His name even sounds rich, doesn't it? Edward Pellingham. He was charming, crazy about me, and confided to me that he made a real mint last year and fully expected to make another mint this year, next year, and every year for the foreseeable future. I started feeling faint. This was my dream come true!"

Pellingham asked Kegel to marry him immediately, and she agreed. 

"I considered my future with Edward, and it looked bright," she said. "I had visions of exquisite jewelry, luxury vacations, thrilling homes, cars, and boats."

The magic didn't last long. After one day of marriage, Kegel filed for divorce -- "though I'd prefer an annulment, to make it like the marriage never happened," she said. "That man clearly misled me."

Pellingham never really made a mint?

"Oh, he made a mint all right," revealed Kegel. "A candy mint, as it turns out! Can you believe the nerve of that guy, getting me all excited about being with a man who makes a mint every year? The guy turns out to be unemployed, living in a mobile home, and spends his days watching TV, making mint candies, and misleading women like me. They oughta lock him away!"

Still trying to win her back, Pellingham offered to treat her to pearls. "But I'm not falling for that one," stated Kegel. "I happen to have noticed there's a greasy spoon diner near his mobile home called Pearl's Home Cooking."

By

Anne Vitiello