Recent Posts in Separation Category

Parental Alienation - A Corrosive Legacy 
By Judge Michele Lowrance

I have been a judge on the divorce bench for 16 years, and have watched the wreckage of the corrosive legacy of parental alienation and visitation interference play out over decades. We have no statistics for measuring this group, because the victims are too vast. But the concentric circles include the children, their children and the extended family as well. The declaration of war by one parent on another creates radioactive fallout, which contaminates for generations.

The alienating parent treats the target parent like a disease in the child that must be removed. They make the child's survival contingent upon such removal. So the child must extricate the parent without the privilege of grieving the loss. These are crippling circumstances.

I have witnessed impassioned declarations of love for a child by an alienating parent to masquerade the venom he/she feels for the other parent. Parents who do this are not interested in mere control. Their stakes are higher: total annihilation of the target parent's bond with the child. Little by little, alienation in a divorce case starts to take root. And when it fully takes root, I see the child's boundaries collapse before my eyes. Soon the child forgets how to protect him or herself, and must align with the alienating parent as if life depends on it -- because it does.

Perhaps curing this degenerating influence may, in the future, be addressed by therapy. But for now, we can and must do better. I want to tell you how to be proactive in court, and how to fight against the inclination to give up like so many hurt, alienated parents -- who are, frankly, not always welcomed in the courts.

Why Cases Involving Parent Alienation are so Difficult

Here are some reasons these cases are so difficult, and why judges often have no love for them:

1. Combative parents present conflicting stories of "he said / she said," and make it very difficult to determine who is telling the truth. Often an alienating parent comes to believe what he or she is saying, and their presentation seems authentic.
2. When targeted parents present their side of the case, they are often angry and frustrated -- and as a result, they don't present very well in court. Judges often consider attitude as influential as content.
3. The children often support the alienating parent by telling the judge, their attorney and mental health professionals how they have been treated badly, and of their dislike, for the target parent. The reasoning skills of alienated children are often compromised, as is their ability to choose freely.
4. Alienated children often won't cooperate with therapeutic intervention, and courts have difficulty enforcing these orders.
5. Judges like to believe that what they do works and it is the right decision. When their decisions don't work, they often get exasperated with both parties.

What You can Do in Courts

Despite these difficulties there is plenty that you can do. Here are some suggestions for handling parental alienation in the courts:

1. Parenting plan orders should be entered as soon as possible.
2. Create an alienation map or chart for the judge, which shows him or her in five minutes what couldn't be said in five hours. This map should include all missed visits, and a list of all the denigrating phrases made by alienating spouse to the children, including the friends and/or extended family of the hated parent (if they are admissible in evidence). If you know how to make a graph, you can show the increase in missed visits in a very compelling and impactful way.
3. Most judges aren't warm to the phrase Parent Alienation Syndrome. Instead, ask the judge to please keep an eye open for visitation interference, as the case progresses, and describe for him or her the maligning behavior.
4. Get a court order for parenting therapy as soon as possible.
5. If orders are violated, go to court on a Rule To Show Cause for violation of the order as soon as possible. If you can't afford an attorney, then do this yourself. Write petition for rule, for visitation violation, for family therapy, or for makeup visitation.

You may be among the many alienated parents I have known, who have grown weary due to the repetitive stress fracture on your heart. Each time your visitation is interfered with, it has a cumulative affect. This can make you hyper sensitive, which easily magnifies your emotional response.

Because your emotions are flooding your ability to reason, writing and rewriting a petition with your attorney is a rational thing to do and gives your thoughts "breathing time." If you immediately act upon your anger, you are just going to make things worse -- and perhaps run the risk that the other parent will get an order of protection against you. Reflect upon the past consequences of your amped up anger. Did you write nasty emails, make hostile phone calls, yell at your child, become overly aggressive, or decide to retreat and do nothing?

The way to tell if your anger serves you is to always ask yourself the following four questions:

1. Does this anger further my constructive goals?
2. Does this anger further degenerate my relationship with my children?
3. In what ways does this anger help me?
4. In what ways does this anger help my spouse?

If your reactions are based upon what has been done to you, you can only respond with hatred. When you do this, you give the alienating parent the "upper hand," because he or she has provoked you to become the hateful person who they are portraying you to be to the children. Don't let someone else provoke, influence, and therefore control how you behave. You run the risk of actually becoming as miserable and dysfunctional of a person as they're trying to portray you to your children. When you react with hatred, you not only play into their hands, you're letting them steer your ship, letting them determine your present and future.

When Your Children Come Home, Who do You Want Them to Come Home to?

As you read this, you may be on the edge of giving up. You may be starting to feel that nothing can work against your former spouse's devotion to destroy your relationship with your children. Even though you may be physically invisible to your children, you will always be visible to them through stories, gossip and second hand reporting from all sources. When we lose a loved one, we often decide to live the way that the departed person would have wanted us to. In the same spirit, when you lose a child to alienation, you need to live as if he or she is watching you. Your long term goal is to become the person your child wants to come home to.

Michele F. Lowrance has been a domestic-relations judge in the Circuit Court of Illinois since 1995. A child of divorce who was raised by her grandparents, Judge Lowrance has been divorced and has devoted her professional life to helping those similarly situated.

Once a divorce lawyer in Pasadena helps settle your case, it's up to you to tell your family and friends the news. This isn't an easy conversation to have, but it's better that they hear the news from you directly instead of being surprised by secondhand gossip.

Getting a divorce qualifies as a significant life change, so it's a good idea to tell people in person whenever possible. If you can't tell them in person, pick up the phone. A text or an email can easily be misinterpreted, since there is no body language to help the recipient determine the context of your remarks.

When you tell people you are getting a divorce, keep the juicy personal details to a minimum. Although your emotions are running high at the moment, you want to avoid saying anything that you might be embarrassed by in the future. If you have children, you should refrain from negative comments about your spouse as a sign of respect for the children's relationship with him or her.

Older relatives or those with especially strong religious beliefs often view divorce as a sin. They may blame you for the breakup of your marriage, regardless of the actual circumstances. If you tell them before your divorce is finalized, they may try to convince you to change your mind. Dealing with this behavior can be frustrating. Be polite, but firm. Explain that while you respect their personal feelings about divorce, you are confident you've made the best decision for you.

When telling mutual friends about your divorce, they are likely to feel as if they need to choose sides in the matter. To keep conflict to a minimum, avoid venting excessively about your marital troubles and refrain from asking questions about when they've last spoken to your spouse.

An experienced California divorce attorney can help you with the legal aspects of ending your marriage, but finding the emotional support you need is a bit trickier. If your family and friends react poorly to your announcement, consider joining a divorce support group so you have a place to discuss your feelings with others who are going through similar experiences.

When you're looking for divorce advice in Pasadena, don't forget to consider if a legal separation may be an acceptable alternative to ending your marriage. A legal separation does not give you the right to remarry, but it does give you and your spouse the opportunity to live apart from each other while still enjoying the benefits of being married.

People choose a legal separation over a divorce for many different reasons. Often, they are opposed to divorce on religious or moral grounds. They may want to stay married to take advantage of tax breaks since a legal separation will still allow a couple to file a joint return. Insurance coverage concerns are a reason for legal separation as well. Often, employers will only cover an employee's spouse-resulting in a lack of coverage after the divorce. Sometimes, couples simply choose to file for a legal separation in order to keep open the possibility of reconciling the relationship.

In the military, a marriage must last for at least 10 years in order for both spouses to benefit from insurance and death benefits. Therefore, couples sometimes choose to file a legal separation and then divorce after the 10 year mark.

The process for obtaining a legal separation is fairly straightforward. One person (the petitioner) completes a petition requesting that the court grant a legal separation. After the petition for legal separation is served to the other spouse (the respondent), he or she can file a response agreeing to the terms, counter-petition outlining specific areas of objection, or file a response indicating he or she wants a divorce instead of a legal separation. If the respondent chooses to ignore the petition, he or she is considered in default and the judge has the authority to grant the petition with no input from the respondent at all.

When filing for legal separation, couples must work out many of the same issues they'd need to address if they were filing for divorce. For example, they will need to determine a fair division of property and debts accumulated during the relationship. If they have children together, custody and visitation issues will need to be considered as well.

If, after a legal separation, a divorce is sought, often judges will simply transfer the terms of the separation agreement over to the divorce decree. Therefore, it is essential that you contact a Pasadena divorce lawyer to make sure your legal separation terms will provide adequate protection in the event of a divorce.

Just when divorce attorneys in Pasadena thought they might get their wish that nasty, high-profile celebrity divorces would be a thing of the past, the divorce of Oscar-nominated actor Terrence Howard comes along to prove us wrong. According to the Daily Beast, newly-released court documents in Howard's divorce case are filled with he said/she said allegations of "violence, death threats, extortion and racial slurs." And that's just the beginning.

Terrence Howard and Michelle Ghent were engaged in May 2009 but didn't walk down the aisle until January 27, 2010 and, according to the paperwork which was filed last year, problems for the pair started long before they said "I do." Michelle Ghent Howard claims that her estranged husband threatens to physically harm her via text, voice mail, email and Skype at all hours of the day. Terrence Howard says that it's Michelle who does the harassing and he claims that Michelle has threatened to ruin his career by releasing recordings of conversations he had with other people. Michelle was granted a restraining order on December 5th based on claims that "Terrence Howard has caused her physical injuries that required medical attention, once broke her computer in half, repeatedly threatened her and stalked her by telephone and on the Internet," reports the Daily Beast.

Howard now has filed a restraining order against Michelle and is due in court on January 17th. The documents say that Michelle did not know about Howard's 2002 domestic violence charges from the past wherein he pleaded guilty to attacking his first wife in Pennsylvania. He says Ghent Howard was also physically abusive, she had a history of hitting him in public when he was friendly to female fans and that she repeatedly called him the "N word" and other racially-charged insults. The court documents are stuffed with more scandals like alleged email hacking, bank account draining and more bizarre physical altercations.

Michelle's restraining order against Terrence Howard expires on January 17th, which is coincidentally the same day a judge will decide whether or not he will grant Terrence Howard's request for a restraining order against Michelle.

Look at your current relationship and note whether or not any or all of the following apply:

• Is possessive or jealous toward you.
• Bossy or demanding in attempts to control you.
• May have a quick temper and/or is violent.
• Attempts to isolate you by cutting you off from friends, family, and other social contacts.
• Abuses alcohol and/or drugs.
• You feel pressure sexually and/or demands sexual activities you're not comfortable with.
• Tells you you're responsible when he mistreats you.
• History of bad relationships.
• Friends and family are concerned for your health and safety.
• You worry about your partner's reactions to what you say and do.
• Partner makes "jokes" that embarrass, humiliate, or shame you privately or around family and friends.
• Partner has angry outbursts when they feel hurt, shame, fear, or loss of control.
• Partner witnessed abusive parental relationship and/or was abused as a child.
• In order to cope with the pain of the relationship, you and/or your partner have developed or progressed in alcohol or drug dependence.
• You repeatedly leave and return to relationship against the advice of your loved ones.
• You are not able to leave the relationship even though you know it is in your best interests to do so.

If you are thinking about leaving a destructive disturbing or otherwise unworkable relationship know you'll most likely always struggle with claiming a sense of self while with this person. It will zap you of your energy and for all your effort you'll still feel a sense of loss and emptiness. If your partner agrees to couples therapy and both of you are sincerely interested in making positive changes then go for it.

Just be prepared that it might not work and in the end you'll need to get out so you can begin living a normal life.

Remember to expect respect. It takes practice, and trust in yourself, to know when something someone says to you, or wants you to do, isn't right. Stand up for yourself and realize you have great value. Don't let other people push you around, embarrass, or in some other way make you feel inferior. People who are cruel to you are not worth having in your life.

Above all, don't be so dependent on another person, that the value you place on yourself is determined by the attention they pay to you. You are a separate person!

by Jill Burrett and Michael Green

Separation always disrupts the familiar patterns of family life. Routines and responsibilities that had been established as the family grew and developed have to be renegotiated. How your family operated probably came about without a lot of proactive planning. It's unlikely that either parent worried too much, especially in happier times, about who did what and how much actual time each spent doing the hands-on stuff of day-to-day family life.

Why families work well

Traditional family life has its own built-in efficiencies that work well for children, if not always for parents. Children can see both of the most important people in their lives every day. Busy parents can feel connected with everyone on very little time. Each parent takes on responsibilities that fit their skills, availability, and interests, and a natural division with commonsense delegation of domestic activities develops. Whatever partnership frustrations and disappointments you are struggling with, the family you have created is the only one your children know and is what they depend on for their security. It's an effective and uncomplicated arrangement for your kids that meets their growing needs even if it doesn't always work for you.

Why separating means big changes

Because you're living separately, you have to adjust to a system of parenting in shifts, in which you are completely on or off. You may have to go for days without seeing your kids, and you might not have bargained on making that adjustment until they were much older. Now the kids are off to their other home for parts of the week, leaving you feeling stranded and unsettled.

The scene is set for you both to start worrying about potential grievances and uncertainties: what's fair, how to juggle everything so you don't lose touch, whether the kids will love you less if you're not there all the time, who's paying for everything for the kids, how a parent who's never been around much for them can look after them properly, and so on. Research on children of divorce has produced varied results. However, there is agreement that separation can put children at serious risk in a number of ways. Currently, about 80 percent of the children whose parents are separated live in sole-mother custody arrangements, and around a third of them have little or no contact with their fathers. The common arrangement for parenting children after divorce living with Mom and visiting Dad often leaves everyone dissatisfied. There is evidence that it does little for parent child relationships and can reduce one parent to onlooker status. Children cared for mainly by mothers can too easily lose contact with their fathers. Mothers can find parenting on their own a tough task and need relief and support. Fathers who experience difficulties maintaining contact often withdraw from their children's lives, with negative consequences for themselves and for the children.

But recent research brings us good news: children in shared-care arrangements appear to be better adjusted on several levels; and many studies show that most parents with majority care want their ex-partners to see more of the children.

What should parents do?

Because families are all different, no one post-divorce arrangement can be in the best interests of all children. It's how you parent, not how many hours you put in, that matters, although quantity of time is relevant because it supports quality parenting.

Parenting takes patience, self-sacrifice, and self-analysis. Separation is an opportunity to rethink your parenting priorities. Your children need time-meaningful time-with both of their parents. They need to feel you are available. They need you to give them guidance, sympathy, discipline, and supervision. They need you to convey a strong sense of their importance to you despite your other priorities. Quality parenting takes time, but having time with your children is no guarantee that your parenting is going to be meaningful and constructive, unless you make sure it is. What your kids want, need, and deserve is emotional commitment and active participation from both of you, however their time with you is divided, provided you both have plenty of time with them.

Shared parenting can produce happier children and more satisfied parents

Shared parenting allows both parents substantial time with their children, during which they have full responsibility for day-to-day decisions about them. There is no "major caretaker" or "custodian" of the children, no "part-time" or "visited" parent. Time-sharing may be equal, or something approaching that. Both parents share responsibility and authority for their children's upbringing; both are acknowledged to be equally important for the lives of their children; both have the duty to foster their own and each other's healthy and meaningful relationships with their children.

Consider a radical overhaul

"Equal time-share," "fifty-fifty," "joint custody" whatever you call it may not be the most practical, desirable, or affordable one for all sorts of reasons. But there's no reason why your starting point for planning how you organize yourselves shouldn't be a level playing field. Your children are your equal responsibility. This was your starting point for family life as you planned and expected it to be, and separating shouldn't and doesn't need to change this. Whatever has happened between you two that caused you to separate, and however angry or resentful you might feel about it, your kids need you both.

So start thinking about parenthood continuing as fully as possible for both of you, about the scope for engaged parenting developing in new ways, and about what changes (in attitude and output) you're going to have to make if shared parenting is to work well for your children:

• Put your children's welfare ahead of your own feelings
• Believe that your children love and need two parents
• Recognize and accept that everyone is different, and different in their parenting
• Work out a parenting plan that is creative and flexible
• Keep at it through thick and thin

Shared parenting can work, and children today will benefit enormously if there's more of it.

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This article has been edited and excerpted with permission from Shared Parenting: Raising Your Children Cooperatively After Separation. Copyright © 2009 by Jill Burrett and Michael Green, Celestial Arts, an imprint of Ten Speed Press, a division of the Crown Publishing Group, Berkeley, CA.

A divorce law firm in Pasadena can help provide assistance dealing with the legal aspects surrounding the end of your marriage, but it's up to you to decide when you're ready to start dating again. There are no hard and fast rules about when it's time to begin dating after divorce. Some people feel ready for another relationship right away, while others need to take more time to heal. The longer your marriage lasted, the more time you'll likely need to recover from your divorce. Rushing into another relationship is likely to create unnecessary heartbreak.

When dating after divorce, you want to start with a clean slate. It's fine to think about the qualities you'd like to find in a romantic partner, but resist the urge to compare your dates to your ex. Every person, as well as every relationship, is different. Resolve to keep an open mind and to stop projecting any negative feelings about the end of your marriage onto your new relationships.

Online dating services are very popular among divorced men and women, but this isn't the only way to find someone special. You don't need to rely on friends and family to set you up on blind dates, either. One good way to meet new people when you're interested in dating after divorce is to join clubs and activities in your community. Think about the things you've always wanted to do, but never found time to pursue before. Get a gym membership, volunteer at a homeless shelter, or start attending regular worship services. Even if you don't meet the love of your life, you'll have fun in the process.

It's tempting to want to avoid confrontation, but you should never "forget" to mention that you have children from your marriage. It's not necessary to introduce your dates to your children until your relationship becomes more serious, but you want to avoid the implication that you're hiding your parental responsibilities or somehow ashamed about your past. At a bare minimum, your date should know your child's age and gender by the end of the evening.

Finally, when it's time to get intimate, remember to practice safe sex. Adults often think of this as a lecture reserved for teenagers, but anyone who is not in a committed long term relationship needs to know how to protect themselves.