Recent Posts in Therapy Category

Look at your current relationship and note whether or not any or all of the following apply:

• Is possessive or jealous toward you.
• Bossy or demanding in attempts to control you.
• May have a quick temper and/or is violent.
• Attempts to isolate you by cutting you off from friends, family, and other social contacts.
• Abuses alcohol and/or drugs.
• You feel pressure sexually and/or demands sexual activities you're not comfortable with.
• Tells you you're responsible when he mistreats you.
• History of bad relationships.
• Friends and family are concerned for your health and safety.
• You worry about your partner's reactions to what you say and do.
• Partner makes "jokes" that embarrass, humiliate, or shame you privately or around family and friends.
• Partner has angry outbursts when they feel hurt, shame, fear, or loss of control.
• Partner witnessed abusive parental relationship and/or was abused as a child.
• In order to cope with the pain of the relationship, you and/or your partner have developed or progressed in alcohol or drug dependence.
• You repeatedly leave and return to relationship against the advice of your loved ones.
• You are not able to leave the relationship even though you know it is in your best interests to do so.

If you are thinking about leaving a destructive disturbing or otherwise unworkable relationship know you'll most likely always struggle with claiming a sense of self while with this person. It will zap you of your energy and for all your effort you'll still feel a sense of loss and emptiness. If your partner agrees to couples therapy and both of you are sincerely interested in making positive changes then go for it.

Just be prepared that it might not work and in the end you'll need to get out so you can begin living a normal life.

Remember to expect respect. It takes practice, and trust in yourself, to know when something someone says to you, or wants you to do, isn't right. Stand up for yourself and realize you have great value. Don't let other people push you around, embarrass, or in some other way make you feel inferior. People who are cruel to you are not worth having in your life.

Above all, don't be so dependent on another person, that the value you place on yourself is determined by the attention they pay to you. You are a separate person!

If the stress of a contested divorce in Pasadena has pushed you to seek the help of a therapist or psychiatrist, you're not alone. Divorces can be emotionally draining; many people rely on mental health professionals to help them during a breakup. Now a surprising new study finds that one in four women in the United States take at least one anti-psychotic medication for depression, ADHD, anxiety or other mental disorders. Lawyers and mental health professionals alike are wondering if there is any link between the divorce rate and the explosion in use of psychiatric drugs.

The Wall Street Journal reports that new pharmacy-claims data show that overall use of psychiatric medication among adults grew 22 percent from 2001 to 2010.

"People from all walks of life are taking medications for mental health conditions," says David Muzina from Medco Health Solutions Inc., the company that conducted and published the report this week.

Women, in particular, saw a huge jump in psychiatric drug use. Medco reports that 21 percent of American women used the drugs in 2001 while 26 percent in 2010 say they were taking psychiatric medications. Eleven percent of middle-aged women are taking anti-anxiety medication, almost double the number of men who take them. According to the U.S. Surgeon General, 30 to 40 percent of individuals undergoing divorce report a significant increase of symptoms of anxiety and depression.

"Any life change is anxiety- and stress-producing but divorce is one of the worst because it creates an unknown, unpredicted situation with lots of insecurity, low self-esteem and fear," says Lucina Bassett of the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety.

Medco's Muzina notes that many women are prescribed these medications after going through traumatic events like loss of loved one or divorce, events which can bring on feelings of depression or anxiety. Yet he believes that many times, the use of such medications isn't warranted and finds the results of the study to be shocking.

"My belief is that the report will surprise physicians and make them think whether or not their use is warranted," he said in an interview withJournal.

Muzina says that the side effects of psychiatric medications should be a concern to both patients and doctors and that individuals who are prescribed these drugs should be closely monitored by physicians.

Remember to avoid saying things to your child like, "That(insert child's negative behavior here) is just like your father." This comment hurts your child at their core -- it acknowledges their connection to their other parent while at the same time criticizes them for it. It does not assist them in creating a solid foundation. This comment impacts your child's self-esteem. It also impacts your child's ability to create positive self-worth. I like to think of children as being born with a beautiful bright light inside. Each time your child hears a negative comment about someone they love (or are biologically a part of), their light dims just a little until they are really upset inside. When your child is upset on the inside, they act out on the outside. Hearing these negative comments erodes away the vibrant self-love your child was born with. Comments such as these are born out of anger and resentment. One of the best quotes I've heard on anger/ resentment is:

"Resentment is like taking your own poison and expecting the other person to die."- Author Unknown

Taking your own poison or giving this poison to your child is not healthy. We know from numerous studies that a great percentage of diseases are stress-related. Looking at the word disease, we can see disease. When we are not at ease we are in stress, which impacts our health and the health of our child. It is your responsibility as a parent to be healthy for your child. Your child needs you -- so let go of the bottle of poison and be healthy so you can attend to your child's needs. Especially the need of being able to love both parents. An angry parent does not equal a good parent. I ask you to be healthy for your children. You won't regret it, I promise.

Self-compassion is described as a "combination of kindness toward oneself, recognition of common humanity, and the ability to let painful emotions pass." And researchers at the University of Arizona say self-compassion is proven to help recently-divorced people get over a painful divorce faster.

Researchers studied 38 men and 67 women with an average age of 40 who had been married for more than 13 years and were divorced an average of three to four months. Subjects who had higher levels of compassion for themselves were able to recover from the often-devastating emotional effects of a divorce. The results of the study appear in an upcoming issue of the journal Psychological Science and the findings could help divorcees put their lives together faster.

"We're not interested in the basic statement, 'People who are coping better today do better nine months from now.' That doesn't help anybody," said study co-author David Sbarra in a journal press release. Many positive characteristics, like self-esteem and optimism, also were studied, but he found more than others "this one - self-compassion - uniquely predicts good outcomes."

Sbarra also notes that self-compassion isn't something that individuals can be forced into having.

"It's not easy to say, 'Be less anxious,'" Sbarra said. "You can't change your personality so easily. What you can change is your stance with respect to your experience."

When divorced people use their failed marriages as positive experiences to bring about change while not blaming themselves, Sbarra said, anxiety and isolation could be less painful.

"This study opens a window for how we can potentially cultivate self-compassion among recently-separated adults," Sbarra said.

If your partner is emotionally abusive to you, he may:

• refuse to acknowledge the value or self-worth of others;
• not listen;
• humiliate others;
• ignore logic;
• not take responsibility for hurting others;
• be jealous and possessive;
• often see himself as a martyr or victim; and
• make you feel guilty for no reason.

This type of behavior by your partner can leave you feeling out of control, weak, and/or humiliated. You may feel like you have to walk on egg shells to avoid confrontation and try to have to anticipate his moods and in order to keep the relationship at peace. You may also feel pressured into having sex and confused as to where you stand in the relationship. Basically, you may feel as though you are on a roller-coaster ride of good and bad times, and often you may even feel afraid and isolated from others. Emotional abuse usually happens slowly as a relationship progresses until one day you realize what's happening and have to deal with it.

One single mother told me that while contemplating a divorce from her verbally abusive husband, her friends (at the time) told her she was crazy. They would say, "you're gonna give up that nice vehicle... you won't be able to have a house on your own." She said that she realized that her number-one responsibility was to raise her son well and "everything else was secondary." She said that today, although they live in a small apartment and she struggles with a busy schedule, she has a great job, good friends, and is much happier than before. She says, "I had to go it alone. It's so much more important that [my son] sees me happy and that I teach him that material things don't matter as much." As you can see in this example, as hard as we try to improve our awareness and self-image, when you love someone, it's easy to be blind to the existence and effects of emotional abuse.

It is important to remember that emotional abuse can also be traumatizing. When something bad happens to you, if you can't resolve it in your mind or convey its intensity to others in order to get help, it probably caused you some sort of emotional damage. Emotional abuse is also harmful to a woman's self-esteem. According to the website Thisisawar.com (an educational resource which helps people deal with illness, grief, pregnancy, debt, and other personal issues), emotional abuse can have "serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and stomach problems." Other symptoms include panic attacks, irritability, emotional numbness, eating irregularities, and insomnia. So how can you determine how much damage was done to you, and how can you fix it?

Scientists now have the technology to examine the brain and read the damage caused by emotional abuse through brain scans. According to recent research, these scans reveal such a trauma actually "changes the structure and function of the brain, at the point where the frontal cortex, the emotional brain and the survival brain converge." One of their major findings was that scans of people who had experienced emotional abuse were similar in "structural and functional irregularities" to people diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

If you feel you are or have been a victim of emotional abuse, there is help. First, if possible, remove yourself from the abusive situation. If you can't, then you should surround yourself with a network of people -- family and friends -- who can help you cope in such an unhealthy and often dangerous situation. You should also talk to a professional who will know how to help you through analysis and counseling. Under these circumstances, a professional will help you decide the best course of action for you. Couples therapy may be an answer or you may discover that it's time for you to leave.

This brings up an interesting point. It's very difficult for a lot of women to move on. I know several women who have stayed for years with partners who were abusive, neglectful, and unfaithful. Women who say they can't leave (besides having very low self-images) usually have long-standing erroneous beliefs that keep them tied to these undeserving men. Some of these women believe that they cannot abandon their dysfunctional partners; that these men somehow need them in order to survive. Oh, really? If those men really needed them, they would fear losing them and smarten up! Some women tell themselves that their partners will change and eventually recognize their value and love. Wrong. That outlook puts off happiness and fulfillment until "someday", which is when exactly? And deep down, do they believe it will ever really happen with this man? Other women believe that they will never find another man to love them so they stay with their abusers even though they are extremely unhappy. Why? Classic low self-esteem -- even if this were true, I believe that a woman can be alone and happy (I was), which is far better than feeling miserable sharing your life with a sadistic man! Don't make these mistakes. Acknowledge your value as a person who deserves love and respect. Recognize when something is really over.

One important thing to keep in mind is that the people in your life whom you love should make your life easier and add to your joy, not take away from it. Ask yourself: are you more often upset and confused than you are peaceful and happy? If so, then something is not right, and you should remedy the situation. If world events of the last few years have taught us anything, it's not to waste a moment of life. Do what it takes to make yourself happy. Above all, be true to yourself. If you follow your heart, and you love honestly and openly, you will at the very least know that you gave your all and will have no regrets.

This article has been edited and excerpted from Boot Camp for the Broken-Hearted (New Horizon Press, 2008) by Audrey Valieriani. Based in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, Valeriani is the creator of TheAccidentalExpert.com, which provides relationship coaching.

The Win/Win Model

When Alex and Leslie moved into their new house, they were full of enthusiasm. It was late spring, the house was freshly painted, and the furniture, carpets and drapes had all been cleaned. It was an exciting new start in a new community. They had a small garden, and the two decided to go to a local nursery and shop for some flowering plants. Alex, who likes to cook, had put a corned beef in a pot with water. He put the pot on a low flame, and left it to simmer on the stove. After planning the garden at the nursery and buying the plants, the two thought of several other stops they needed to make before getting back home. When they pulled up to the house hours later, after a lovely day of shopping, the entire house was filled with a greasy, gray smoke that the corned beef had turned into.

How did each of them act? Well, of course, they were both upset, but more importantly, Alex didn't defend and Leslie didn't attack. Alex accepted responsibility for his huge mistake and profusely apologized to Leslie for creating this mess. She insisted that it was just as much her responsibility as his; she also could have remembered that the pot was on the stove. The issue that consumed both of them was what they needed to do together to repair the damage. They got to work and after many weeks of considerable effort and expense, they restored the house. The story became a humorous, although rueful, family legend.

Some years later, Leslie, who was under a lot of stress at work at the time, absentmindedly left a pot of eggs boiling on the stove and went to work. Fortunately, Alex happened to come home for lunch that day. Yes, once again, the house was filled with smoke. He remembered the compassion Leslie had shown for him years before with the corned beef incident. Without calling her, he got to work to rectify as much of the damage as he could. He knew how upset she would be with herself, and wanted to minimize the additional stress of this accident rather than pile more stress on to his already overextended wife while she was at work. Compare this win/win model of communication with the win/lose model so common among unhappily married couples.

The Win/Lose Model

Gio took his nine-year-old daughter over to his brother's house one Saturday afternoon so she could play with her cousin of the same age. The two kids were playing on a backyard swing as the brothers drank coffee on the patio nearby. Gio's daughter fell off the swing and broke her arm. They immediately took her to the hospital to have it set. Gio's wife, Anna, had been out running errands. When she got to the hospital a couple of hours later, their daughter's arm was already in a cast. The little girl was pale and a bit shaken, but otherwise fine. Gio's wife was understandably upset about the accident, but she directed all her anger at Gio, whom she blamed for not supervising their daughter properly.

For months, long after the arm was healed, Anna repeatedly used the incident to bolster her arguments in other disagreements that she and Gio were having in their unhappy marriage. Whenever she had the chance, she "threw in his face" that he was a poor father, irresponsible, self-involved, and careless.

In the win/win model, a couple see themselves as on the same side, so when adverse events occur, they are happening to "us." The fact that an action of your mate's precipitates the adverse event doesn't make him the "bad guy." In fact, it may make him worthy of your compassion because you know he feels bad about it. In the win/lose model of communication, any adverse event is fresh evidence of your mate's inadequacies and your disappointment in him.

So how do you know if it's time to go? Which model of communication does your marriage operate with most of the time? If it's the win/lose, we would say you are probably living in an unhappy marriage. You have to make serious efforts to correct this problem. How does anyone in your family benefit if you and your spouse continue to operate as adversaries? If you have already made those efforts, to no avail, it may be time to go. What kind of outside help have you sought? How vigorously have you tried to tell your mate that the model of communication the two of you are engaged in together doesn't work for most things, but most assuredly doesn't work for a marriage?

Questions to Think About

1. Do my spouse and I communicate using the win/lose model? Yes___No___
2. Is one or both of us frequently trying to demonstrate the other's shortcomings, mistakes, and inadequacies? Yes___No___
3. Does one or both of us usually try to gain the upper hand to prove the other wrong in a crisis, rather than see the crisis as happening to "us"? Yes___No___

This article was excerpted with permission from the book How to Know If It's Time to Go by Dr. Lawrence Birnbach and Dr. Beverly Hyman, published by Sterling Publishing Co., Inc. Dr. Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who specializes in working with people in troubled relationships. He practices in New York. Dr. Hyman is a business and organizational consultant specializing in conflict management and negotiation. The authors were both divorced before they were married to each other in 1997. www.sterlingpublishing.com

7 phrases to avoid saying to your children in a divorce 

Divorce turns a person's world upside down. It's emotionally painful, filled with change and important decisions that weigh heavily on the future. Children are the innocent witnesses that require a delicate and compassionate hand as they strive to make sense of their parents' divorce. When seeking divorce support, clients often ask 'how' to talk to their children about the divorce. There are the words themselves, and there is also how much you share. Even the most conscientious single parent can slip into some of these communication mistakes with their kids when emotions heat up. Here is what to avoid in conversation with children affected by divorce: 

1) "I don't want the divorce, but your Mom/Dad won't work on it with me." 

This is a very polarizing statement that sets up the child to blame one parent over the other as the cause of the divorce, and consequently all the change the child is dealing with. This just amplifies the confusion, and hurt your child has instead of empathizing or offering compassion. Even if this is accurate in your marriage, seek out other sources of divorce support to help you deal effectively with the emotions and blame you may feel towards your former spouse.

2) "Tell your Mom / Dad..." 

Keep the adult communications between the adults. Messages between you and your former spouse need to always be kept between the two of you. If you find it challenging to talk over the phone or in person, use email or text message. Let your behavior model for your children that his/her parents use mature, respectful communication in appropriate ways even when in conflict. This is your responsibility as you learn to co-parent and can also provide a huge life lesson for your children about conflict and communication. 

3) "Your Mom / Dad is a ..." 

Before labels, accusations, and hostile language is turned on your children's ears, remember that you are about to speak about a person that this child loves implicitly, trusts, needs and values in their life. Anything you might say to complete this phrase will be based entirely on your perception of your former spouse and not (necessarily) the truth. Additionally, it seeds a very destructive pattern for parent alienation. If you find it difficult to say anything nice about your ex, then find something like, "He/she is doing their best". You are simply affirming that none of us are perfect, but we are all doing the best we can with what we know. 

4)"If you would just ____ , your Mom / Dad wouldn't be so upset with me all the time!" 

No matter what, your kids are not responsible for the quality of your relationship with their other parent. Placing this kind of blame and responsibility on a child creates a deep and heavy burden to him/her to carry. Not only that, you are not fully taking responsibility for your relationship(s). If you want to raise responsible children, show them explicitly how you do that in your own life. Conversely, if you really believe the marriage disintegrated due to a child, seek out a therapist or counselor for divorce support so that you can mend your parent-child relationship. You both are worth it! 

5)"What is your father / mother doing or saying about me?" 

From probing about your former spouses' new relationships, job situation, or thoughts about you, your child is not a spy or secret informer for you. Once again, adult conversations are best left between the adults. If there is something you need to ask or know, ask your former spouse directly. Asking a child to fulfill this role sets them up to feel awkward around you, positions them to betray the other parent, or possibly lie to you out of loyalty to the other parent. Remember to allow your child to be the child. They love both parents even with all of our imperfections. If you notice that you obsess with curiosity over your former spouse, take it as a signal that you are still healing. Time spent lingering over a dead relationship is time that could be invested into rebuilding your life. 

6) "If you want something, ask your Mom. I send her child support, and there is nothing left" 

Child support is another aspect of divorce that needs to remain an adult only issue and conversation. Your children do not need to know how much you either pay or receive for child support, nor your financial constraints. It becomes a part of your financial picture and budget, and how you teach financial lessons to your children is another topic worth consideration. In this case, however, explore the inquiry for money with your child. What is it for? If the money is simply not available in your budget, look for ways to be resourceful. Is there a teaching opportunity available for them to create a plan, earn the money, and save for something important? 

7) "I'm sorry I wasn't there...something important came up" 

Your children need constant reassurance that they are a valued priority in your life. Divorce can totally shift the dynamic and time commitment with your kids, compared to what it was in marriage. This makes is challenging to re-prioritize work time, family time, and personal time. Avoid last minute changes, or alternate care that leaves your children feeling unimportant and abandoned. Using a system to keep your schedule organized is critical so that all three areas of your life are attended to. If you find yourself scheduling personal time over time with your kids, find a system so that you can block out the time at work, and time with your kids. Then get creative! You may even discover that your fun time can include the kids depending on the activity. Play with it, but above all, keep your commitment to your children non-negotiable and the last thing to be cancelled.

Happy parents are more effective at raising happy kids. Be sure to make yourself a priority and invest in seeking divorce support for yourself and your kids' sake. As a result, you'll find the whole process of raising happy, confident kids much easier when you are too!

5 Areas of Self Care That Enrich Your Life 

Without proper divorce support, life as a single parent can become more demanding, challenging, and complex. With more challenges, less time and juggling new responsibilities that were previously shared, you will find yourself spread really thin! How does a person maintain their sanity during the most stressful time of their lives? 

The answer would be daily self care. Imagine that your life is like a bucket and for every positive investment you make into your life that bucket fills up. When the bucket is brimming full you feel good, energetic, calm and can navigate life's obstacles with relative ease. When the bucket is not full you feel drained, stressed, anxious and even some spilled milk could make you snap. The optimal situation is to invest so wisely into your own bucket that you are overflowing and able to contribute more deeply in the other areas of your life. 

Identify one or two areas of self care that you could augment right now to make the most significant impact while you're healing from divorce. Work on enhancing all of them and watch the return that you get in all areas of life! 

1. Health - Enhancing your health can happen in so many forms. From the food you eat, to the amount of time you move and stretch your body and your quality of sleep, your level of health has a direct impact on your attitude, emotions, energy and more. To improve your health you could commit to just 15 minutes of exercise, remove an addictive food for a week, add 3 fruits a day to your diet, start your day with stretching, or journal right before bed. The possibilities are endless! What will you do to lift your health factor? 

2. Environment - Your environment is your physical space(s) that you spend the most time in. Do they drain you, or energize and inspire you? Are they consistently messy or neatly organized? Often times, to improve our environment, we just need better systems to take care of the daily paper, mail, dishes and clutter of life. Music is also a part of your environment that has been shown to lift moods. Create a station on Pandora that you love, or assemble a favorites list in iTunes. 

3. Relationships - I hold the philosophy that everything is either taking away or adding to your life. Have you ever noticed that spending significant time with certain people affects your mood and energy? If you notice a negative effect, you may be hanging out with an energy vampire, and you may consider spending less quantity time around that person. Conversely, who are the people in your life that you really love, respect and admire? Think of them all, whether you know them already or not, and create a plan to get introduced to the people you would like to connect with. 

4. Mindset - What is your mindset? It's your attitude! Your attitude is the sum of your thoughts, feelings and actions. What thoughts do you have about yourself and others? Chances are if you are judgmental towards others, you are hard on yourself too. What is your level of confidence that you can achieve your goals? Do you approach challenges as a battle to be fought or an opportunity to uncover? If you find that your mindset could be improved, then take a look at what you are putting IN to your mind. What types of TV shows and books do you watch or read? Do you invest in your interests, education and growth? How could you start or stretch it? 

5. Pleasure - This one may have surprised you, but think about it. Do you feel you have the greatest divorce support when you are just getting your basic needs met? We all deserve to enjoy indulgences that add to the spark of life. It could be as simple as taking a scented bath with candles and music because you rarely slow down. Remember that introducing some sweet pleasures in your life will add to your overall well-being, and denying yourself chips away at your own self worth...so indulge!

The Hollywood marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny is the kind of on-again, off-again union family lawyers in Pasadena have come to expect from Tinsel Town. The pair, who met in 1997, separated in 2008 and renewed their vows in 2009, have once again broken up. Yet it still remains to be seen if the couple will file for divorce this time.

A rep for the couple announced last Wednesday that Duchovny and Leoni have broken up after 14 years of marriage. This is deja vu for celebrity couple watchers who witnessed separation in 2008 after Duchovny had admitted to sex addiction. The X-Files star entered a rehab facility for his problems. There were even rumors that Leoni was engaging in a sexting relationship with actor Billy Bob Thornton. Thornton and Duchovny successfully got a retraction from the Daily Mail for that story; the paper also reported Duchonvy was having an affair with his tennis coach at the time.

After some counseling, the couple seemed to be on the mend and even appeared in public together arm in arm like they did in October of last year at a New York City Film festival. Yet as 2010 came to a close, whispers of problems for the couple started to circulate. Insiders from Duchovny's Showtime series "Californication" say the actor hasn't changed his womanizing ways.

"He's a guy who loves women," a "Californication" source told Us magazine. "He's always noticed an attractive lady."

Duchovny denied any problems in a 1997 Playgirl interview "I'm not a sex addict... I have never been to those meetings. It's hurtful to my family and if I was involved with a woman in a monogamous relationship, it would be hurtful to her."

According to the recent statement, neither Duchovny nor Leoni has filed for divorce. The pair, who met on the set of "The Tonight Show," have three children.

Leaving an old house filled with bad memories is something divorce attorneys in Pasadena see pretty often. So it isn’t too surprising that Tiger Woods has decided to leave the Orlando, Florida, home that was the scene of the crime for the fender-bender which opened a Pandora’s Box of divorce drama. What is surprising is that Tiger is reportedly moving into two new mansions to help him put the past behind him.

Three hours south of his old house is Tiger’s brand new, custom-built oceanfront house just outside Palm Beach. His other brand new house is just a few miles inland and is where his mother Tida Woods will call home. The house which Tida just moved into is a $10 million, 22,000-square-foot family getaway for Tiger's two children, Sam, age 3, and Charlie, age 2. The family-friendly estate has custom painted kids bedrooms adorned with Disney characters. The yard has a giant jungle gym and interactive fountains for the kids to play in as well as an Astroturf putting course. Tiger and the kids will hang out in the house on the days he gets the kids.

Tiger’s beach house will be his primary residence and assumingly home to more adult activity. Sources close to Woods say the golfer is keeping his personal life extremely private.

“Both Tiger and (ex-wife) Elin Nordegren agreed in their divorce (last year) that whatever boyfriend or girlfriend spends the night with them in the same location as the kids will be background-checked by the other party’s lawyers,” the source told Radar Online. “So, Tiger will be at his mom’s house when the children are around, and there’ll be no girl there because he doesn’t want Elin’s people to start snooping on him. He’s keeping the other house as his party palace!”

It is a political trend divorce attorneys in Pasadena have seen brewing for quite some time: divorce reform bills. For the last couple of years, a variety of divorce reform acts have been purposed by politicians and lawmakers across the country. Yet just as this trend has gained momentum, two high-profile divorce bills on the ballots in two very different states have been defeated.

In Montana, Republican lawmaker Tom McGillvray proposed a bill that would require divorcing couples to attend seven meetings with a counselor. McGillvray says divorce is damaging a generation of children and thinks counseling could save marriages. Opponents of the bill, however, believe the bill was overstepping its bounds and interfering with the private lives of voters.

"I don't want you telling me what I can and can't do in my married life," argued Democratic Rep. Edie McClafferty. "I'm sure not going to tell anyone what they can and can't do in their married life. Last time I heard, we lived in a free country, people can make their own decisions.

McGillvray’s bill died on the house floor in a 60-40 vote.

Down south in Mississippi, a very different kind of divorce bill also was shot down. The house said "no, thank you" to a bill that would have given a spouse grounds for divorce if they have been away from an abusive situation for five years or longer. Backers of the bill say the bill would have made it easier for victims of abuse to file for divorce after fleeing an abusive situation from a spouse who woudn’t grant them a divorce. The bill had passed earlier in the Senate but was defeated last Thursday on a vote of 81-39. Mississippi law currently allows an abandoned spouse to file for divorce but doesn’t address when one spouse leaves but is denied a divorce by the other spouse.

If you’re seeking divorce advice in Pasadena, it doesn't matter what sex you are. Male or female, divorce is filled with emotional extremes and financial stresses. New reports, however, suggest that the divorce process is tougher on women than it is on men. With childcare responsibilities and fewer financial resources, modern women of divorce are still faced with challenges that their male counterparts are unlikely to encounter.

According to a report from Marie Claire magazine, a woman’s overall quality of life drops 45 percent after a divorce. Another study from Iowa State University’s Institute of Social and Behavioral research found that while divorce didn’t immediately affect a woman’s physical health, the effects on her mental health caused physical problems a decade after divorce. Social isolation and fewer job opportunities after divorce, according to the study, could be responsible for illness reported ten years later. Psychologists attribute stress as the cause of health issues after a divorce.

"It's very, very traumatic... they are so attached to the commitment. The forever of two lives is being upset, and all dreams and hopes, everything that you have thought about since childhood is lost. Even people who are very functioning are surprised at how hard it is just to do their daily activities," says Allison Pescosolido, a grief counselor and cofounder of Divorce Detox, a divorce recovery program for women.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, women are likely to respond to life-changing events like divorce in ways that prolong the stress and increase the risk for depression. Others say divorced women’s quality of life decreases financially because of the need for a clean break from their exes. Lawyer and author Stacy Schneider says women commonly make the big mistake of “wimping out” when it comes to protecting their finances and property and later pay the price. Most divorced women take on additional parenting responsibilities, which also lead to a more challenging daily life.

But there is hope for women who are divorcing. Not only do programs like Divorce Detox and trips to qualified therapists and counselors help, but the experience of divorce can help change a woman’s perspective.

"When I went through my divorce I was devastated," says divorced mom "Susan B" in an e-mail to ABCNews.com. "My children were 13 and 15. I had to sell my house and move to another town. My kids had to switch schools. But with all that being said, we are much better off. We have grown to appreciate things a whole lot more. Yes, we struggled, but we are stronger for it today."

Nary a peep — lip synched or otherwise — has been heard from singer/actress Ashlee Simpson-Wentz in quite sometime. When we last caught up with Ash, she and her husband, Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, were happily married and raising their two-year-old son, Bronx. Yet tabloid reprieve was not meant to last for the younger Simpson sister. Divorce attorneys in Pasadena and Hollywood insiders were surprised to see Simpson back in the headlines this week when she and Wentz announced they were getting a divorce after two-and-a-half years of marriage.

On Wednesday, news of the split came directly from a representative from Ashlee’s camp.

“After careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to file for divorce," the couple said through a spokesperson. "We remain friends and deeply committed and loving parents to our son Bronx, whose happiness and well-being remains our No. 1 priority. We ask that everyone honor our privacy as we navigate this next phase of our lives."

In court papers filed and signed this week, Simpson-Wentz cited “irreconcilable differences” as the cause of divorce. The papers also state she is seeking spousal support. Wentz and Simpson’s date of separation, according to paperwork, is yet to be determined. Ashlee is also seeking primary physical custody of their son with visitation for Wentz and requesting a return to her maiden name.

The seemingly sudden split threw celebrity journalists for a loop, particularly those who snapped photos of the couple two days before the announcement shopping with their son in West Hollywood. Ashlee and Pete started dating in 2006 and were engaged in 2008. The pair was married in May 2008 at her parent’s home in Encino in a ceremony officiated by Simpson’s father and manager Joe Simpson. Sister Jessica Simpson and fellow divorcee announced her engagement to boyfriend and former NFL star Eric Johnson last November.

If you are seeking divorce advice in Pasadena because you are leaving a spouse who has a drug or alcohol problem, you are not alone. A new study from Indiana University says alcoholism is a major factor in divorce and separation. Yet hard-earned experience tells us alcohol and drugs have been destroying relationships for years.

Mary Waldron, lead author of the study from the Indiana University School of Education, was prompted to conduct a new study since prior works didn't chronicle older participants.

"Previous research documented associations between adolescent substance use and early marriage or cohabitation, but much of this work did not follow participants past their 20s," says Waldron.

In the early 1980s, Waldron and her colleagues enlisted more than 5,000 Australian couples. The physical, psychological and physical manifestations of alcohol use were evaluated, as were the lengths of time the couples stayed together. Couples from the ages of 29 to 91 were used in the study. The study found that if drinking is a problem, it undoubtedly causes problems in relationships. Delayed marriage and early separation were linked to relationships where one or more of the partners suffered from alcohol dependence.

Waldron's study is just one of many that links addiction to divorce. But real-life couples who have battled these problems know the toll that drugs and alcohol take on families. Many attorneys estimate that approximately 30 percent of divorce cases are either directly or indirectly related to a spouse's problems with drugs or alcohol. Famous couples like Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen, Elvis and Priscilla Presley, Sean Penn and Madonna and Courtney Cox and David Arquette all split up partially because of problems with addiction.

Dr. Willard F. Harley, a relationship counselor and founder of marriagebuilders.com, says people married to alcoholics are in danger of destroying their own lives.

"Besides being physically and emotionally harmful to alcoholics themselves, addiction is also harmful to those whose lives touch them,” Harley says. “Addiction makes people insensitive to the feelings of those who care most for them, and they will stop at nothing to feed their addiction. I am witness to many people whose lives have been ruined because they married alcoholics."

Studies and expert advice aside, alcoholism and drug addiction are issues that affect the entire family. If you or someone you know is dealing with an addicted spouse, call one of our lawyers today for help.

Family attorneys in Pasadena have long been aware of the effects a divorce can have on children. Now a new study suggests that kids from divorced homes are more likely to seriously consider suicide as adults than adults who grew up with intact families.

A study from the University of Toronto surveyed 6,647 adults including 695 who were still minors when their parents divorced. Men and women, the study found, reacted to divorce differently. Men whose parents divorced when they were children were three times more likely to have seriously considered suicide than men whose parents never divorced. Women from divorced parents were 83 percent more likely to have suicidal thoughts than women whose parents stayed married. The link between suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation and divorce was strong for men who grew up in homes with parental addiction, physical abuse, and parental unemployment. Women who grew up without such issues were found not to be at risk for suicidal ideation. Even without additional stressors, according to the study, adults who were children when their parents split up still had an increased risk of suicidal thoughts.

Findings by researchers suggests "the pathways linking parental divorce to suicidal ideation are different for men and women. The association between parental divorce and suicidal thoughts in men was unexpectedly strong, even when we adjusted for other childhood and adult stressors, socioeconomic status, depression and anxiety," said lead author Esme Fuller-Thomson, in a university press release. "Females whose parents had divorced were not particularly vulnerable to suicidal ideation if they were not also exposed to childhood physical abuse and/or parental addictions," she said.

The study,which was published on January 19 online in the journal Psychiatry Research, is "not meant to panic divorced parents", Fuller-Thomson noted in the release. "Our data in no way suggests that children of divorce are destined to become suicidal."

Family attorneys in Pasadena know that the breakup of a family is challenging for children regardless of economic background or the careers of their parents. But for famous children whose parents are divorcing, the dissolution of the family brings on a whole separate slew of complicated issues. Lately, we’ve seen kids from the world of entertainment come to grips with their divorcing parents in front of millions of people.

17-year-old Miley Cyrus may be a show business veteran thanks in part to her long-running hit television show Hannah Montana, but in the end Cyrus is a teenager whose parents are breaking up. KidsHealth.org says that teens in particular react strongly to divorce. The site says teens caught in the crossfire of divorce often feel “abandoned, afraid, worried or guilty” in addition to being angry and emotional over the situation. Cyrus has come under fire since her parents broke up and many gossip columnists are worried if the star is headed toward a breakdown. Sources close to the teenager say she is exhausted by pretending her life is normal.

“Miley is trying to be strong going through her parents’ breakup and she loves them both,” a friend recently told Hollywoodlife.com. “Everyone is reading into each of her every moves, like when she goes out with her mom and no one sees her dad. It’s pushing her buttons.”

Family therapists like Karen Mengle say rebellion or feelings of anger and confusion are to be expected by teens whose parents have broken up.

“I think we expect already emotional teenagers to react strongly to divorce, so for somebody like Miley whose whole life is chronicled in the tabloids the issue comes with its own set of challenges unique to famous kids,” Mengle says.

Instead of dealing with it in private, kids like Miley are forced to answer questions about it from the media and this can be particularly stressful. She adds that it is important for teenagers, famous or otherwise, “to able to have safe places to express their feelings about the divorce.”